HELP! Spouse's non-compliance w/CPAP

Help! My marriage is at risk! My 52-yr old husband, diagnosed w/severe sleep apnea in 2002, will not use his CPAP despite all efforts of changing masks, etc. Not only am I afraid of what this is is doing to his physical health w/the increased risk of cardiac or stroke issues, but the personality changes I've noticed in him for the past 2-3 yrs are getting worse. He is in denial of these changes, and his family believe me because they don't see him on a day-to-day basis, so I come across like I don't know what I'm talking about. This is all starting to affect our marriage. Any suggestions, feedback? Thanks so very much!

ceteegardin wrote:Help! My marriage is at risk! My 52-yr old husband, diagnosed w/severe sleep apnea in 2002, will not use his CPAP despite all efforts of changing masks, etc. Not only am I afraid of what this is is doing to his physical health w/the increased risk of cardiac or stroke issues, but the personality changes I've noticed in him for the past 2-3 yrs are getting worse. He is in denial of these changes, and his family believe me because they don't see him on a day-to-day basis, so I come across like I don't know what I'm talking about. This is all starting to affect our marriage. Any suggestions, feedback? Thanks so very much!

Sorry you are having these struggles......your husband is fortunate you are understanding and want his OSA treated. Has your husband had a machine update since 2002?...........machines, masks have changed to be much more comfortable and user friendly since 2002..........If he has not recently had a sleep study, seen a sleep MD...and quit using his machine in 2002, there may be an more appealing solutions by change in quieter, more comfortable machine/mask (quiet and exhaling relief when needed or getting adjusted to mask). Sometimes gentle but firm support helps. Some people need to understand there will be consequences for their behavior if they don't address it and a frank discussion can be a motivating factor. You know your husband and your limits, you'll have to decide where to go.........Just remember ultimatums usually are not effective........especially if not followed through with actions.
Best Regards,
elg5cats

CT,

You're right to be concerned... apnea can affect personality and health to a major degree. One of my in-laws almost ended up divorced because of the issues with his apnea, issues which mostly vanished with reasonable treatment.

Worry can interfere with YOUR sleep, too. However, I'll lay odds that Dori will be along shortly -- she came here for help with some of the same kinds of problems with getting therapy to WORK. Now she's an expert at trouble-shooting things like this!

Finding the right mask is key to getting your husband's therapy on track. A mask which doesn't fit well, and leaks like a sieve won't provide optimal therapy. Your husband won't feel any better as a result, and won't see why he should go through the hassle of learning to sleep as a hosehead.

Given how long it's been since his original sleep study, you might consider a discussion with your primary care physician about referral for an updated study.

In the meantime, click on the yellow bulb for "Our Wisdom" and start reading about all the things YOU need to know. Such as how essential it is to have a fully data capable machine and software to monitor the therapy yourself. It's a fact: in our house, I'm the one who researches health issues. But my husband admits that he's benefited from that research. Hopefully, in the not-too-distant future, yours will, too.

(edited to correct a typo or three)

Just make sure he has his insurance up to date. You want to be a well off widow.

Blackspinner - that was a gratuitous and utterly tasteless comment! This woman is trying to get help and I don't think your remark is going to do that at all. She's obviously well aware of the problems.

ceteegardin wrote:Help! My marriage is at risk! My 52-yr old husband, diagnosed w/severe sleep apnea in 2002, will not use his CPAP despite all efforts of changing masks, etc. Not only am I afraid of what this is is doing to his physical health w/the increased risk of cardiac or stroke issues, but the personality changes I've noticed in him for the past 2-3 yrs are getting worse. He is in denial of these changes, and his family believe me because they don't see him on a day-to-day basis, so I come across like I don't know what I'm talking about. This is all starting to affect our marriage. Any suggestions, feedback? Thanks so very much!

About seven years, huh? What kind of a machine (specific make/model) does he have? The machine technology has made great advancements in that time.
Is he stupid or just bull-headed (macho, arrogant, jerk, etc.)? (besides being in denial)

So many variations of these stories..... Spouse won't use it or the non-user spouse is jealous/offended/mean/nasty/can't stand the noise/makes excuses about the machine ruining their marriage, etc...... about the spouse who is SUPPOSED to be using it.

Is he computer literate? Can you get him to come on to this forum so we can talk to him?

Unfortunately, his story is far too common with a therapy that has only about a 50% compliance/success rate.


Den

Blackspinner is right.......but I don't think you'll like the dating scene of today....It's different from 35-years ago.

Here's another suggestion, however. Try to get your hands on a recording Oximeter....and run some tests on your husband's nightly O2 levels. I get concerned when my O2 drops below 93%.

Here's a link to the tool I use. I loaned it to three other people....and each one got in a hurry to become a hosehead.

http://www.turnermedical.com/SPO_PulseO ... imeter.htm

Also, what I'm "hearing" you say is that your husband does not respect your judgement.......or he is simply intellectually dishonest. Either way is deadly....and he'll do well to check his O2 levels for himself. If he won't even make an effort to check his O2, check around for a dance instructor. You'll need the dancing skills when you start looking around for a new man.

Gerald

ceteegardin wrote:Help! My marriage is at risk! My 52-yr old husband, diagnosed w/severe sleep apnea in 2002, will not use his CPAP despite all efforts of changing masks, etc. Not only am I afraid of what this is is doing to his physical health w/the increased risk of cardiac or stroke issues, but the personality changes I've noticed in him for the past 2-3 yrs are getting worse. He is in denial of these changes, and his family believe me because they don't see him on a day-to-day basis, so I come across like I don't know what I'm talking about. This is all starting to affect our marriage. Any suggestions, feedback? Thanks so very much!

As 5cats said you may want to look into the latest equipment, todays machines with features such as exhale relief make therapy much more comfortable. I'm at the point now where i cant tell if the machine is actually on or not unless i look at the display.

Do you have access to a digital camera? My wife recorded a minute long video clip of me snoring, stopping breathing and gasping for breath. It scared me into running to the sleep doctor.

If he is in denial he may not fully understand the consequences of ignoring his condition. You might want to have him watch this PBS clip on sleep apnea.

http://www.pbs.org/newshour/video/modul ... 2008&seg=3

You could show the video clip and the PBS clip to both your husband AND his family. If you could get him to give it another try and maybe sign up and post on this forum then I'm sure he would stand a better chance second time around. Good luck.

Gerald wrote:...Try to get your hands on a recording Oximeter....and run some tests on your husband's nightly O2 levels...http://www.turnermedical.com/SPO_PulseO ... imeter.htm

Great idea! Show him the exact amt that his oxygen level is reduced with untreated apnea (99-100% is ideal). Good questions to ask and then discuss results, both his and your answers: Have his number of night-time pee trips increased (OSA's nocturia from the night-time hypertension)? Has he developed daytime hypertension from his night oxygen deprivation (if it lasts long enough, it becomes permanent)? Does he gasp and snort for air? Does he trash around at night disturbing your sleep?

ceteegardin;

I am so sorry to hear that you are being fought by both your husband and his family- it puts you in such a tenuous position.

I appreciate the humor offered by some, as it shows some of the same frustration I hear in your letter.

Wanting the very best for someone you care about doesn't automatically translate into their acceptance of good advice; however, I applaud your tenacity and hope that you are able to achieve a breakthrough.

Your husband may choose not to listen to the PBS clip, he may choose not listen to your good advice- but I applaud your care, and concern- (not everyone has a caring person willing to "hang in there"- congratulations for being such a person). And I hope you are successful in reaching him in time.

letchworth

ceteegardin wrote:Help! My marriage is at risk! My 52-yr old husband, diagnosed w/severe sleep apnea in 2002, will not use his CPAP despite all efforts of changing masks, etc. Not only am I afraid of what this is is doing to his physical health w/the increased risk of cardiac or stroke issues, but the personality changes I've noticed in him for the past 2-3 yrs are getting worse. He is in denial of these changes, and his family believe me because they don't see him on a day-to-day basis, so I come across like I don't know what I'm talking about. This is all starting to affect our marriage. Any suggestions, feedback? Thanks so very much!

That is a problem. Untreated sleep apnea has caused many deaths. It has also caused many divorces.

In defense of the poor guy, let me say we are all human. The noncompliance rate for CPAP is over 50% and that does not count the many people who avoid a diagnosis because they are determined to never "wear a mask".

I am a little cautious to suggest this, but does he respond to "ultimatums" from you?

Rooster: I am a little cautious to suggest this, but does he respond to "ultimatums" from you?

If you elect to use an ultimatum, then you must follow through with whatever your threat is........otherwise empty ultimatums are a part of the problem and are reduced to a lie.... so if you are not wanting or or ready for a divorce, separation, separate sleeping location, then don't throw it out as an ultimatum.......ultimatums result in resistance for the majority of people and escalate power struggles.........don't use unless you WILL do follow the through with the consequence. If you are at a point of either deal with the sleep issues, the behavioral issues or ____________ and ready to act, then go for it.......a real ultimatum is a final effort.

elg5cats

It's so frustrating to think about having to wear the mask for the rest of your life. I know I resisted for a very long time. I had a nice steady routine of not breathing at night, and consuming energy drinks and no-doze during the day. While that worked, it was, of course, not a good solution.

In the end, I capitulated because I felt guilty about messing up my wife's days. I would fall asleep in the recliner in front of the TV and force her to move to a different room due to the noise. I'd go to bed and she'd have earplugs in.

I never did get to the point of wondering how I'd be to live with if she had to change my diapers and feed me baby food after I had a stroke. But I should have. A nursing home is for rich people or destitute people. Anyone between those two extremes really suffers when there is somebody physically and mentally disabled at home.

It's not right for anyone to put their own illusory comfort ahead of the life of their spouse or other loved one. But how do you relate that to somebody who is in denial?

[quote="JimIllinois"]

It's not right for anyone to put their own illusory comfort ahead of the life of their spouse or other loved one. But how do you relate that to somebody who is in denial? [/end quote]

You learn how to do an intervention, you then try to get close family members, work colleagues or friends involved, preferably get tutored by an Intervention Specialist, decide what is the desired outcome, decide what the consequences of continued denial will be, then get the intervention team together with the one in denial (by hook or crook). Then sit him down and work through the intervention.

The intervention can produce a definite change in the person, so they are willing to get help. Or it may produce compliance to getting help, which may then produce a genuine change. Or it may not work at all.

There are some great films about this - I'll Quit Tomorrow - If You Loved Me - Father Martins Guidelines - There Is No Such Thing As A Dragon - Denial: The Inside Story - Francesca, Baby - The Enablers/The Intervention -etc. Films by The Johnson Institute, Walt Disney, Hazelden and Gerald T Rogers. There are also some very good books - especially by the Johnson Institute. Your local alcohol and drug resource should have access to them, and probably more recent information. Hazelden may still hire them out.

Intervention has to be done properly to have the best chance of working, but if you are prepared to take action to help someone you love, it is worth a try, even without others. You must prepare carefully. But you are probably going to need more than just one person.

Intervention is not just about different addictions, it is about denial, and producing enough real emotional pain to break through that denial so that the person can see themselves as others see them, and hopefully take action to get well.

The oximeter could be a successful intervention, if he will co-operate.

God Luck

Mars

Julie wrote:Blackspinner - that was a gratuitous and utterly tasteless comment! This woman is trying to get help and I don't think your remark is going to do that at all. She's obviously well aware of the problems.

But it is the reality. And she needs to face it. One can't change someone no mater how much you love them, they have to want to change.
Some people need to be kicked where it hurts and if she indicates she is planning her widowhood it just might shake him up enough to get that oximeter on his finger, otherwise I suggest she cut the ties before she is stuck with a worse situation of changing his diapers and feels too guilty to leave.