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Dear Lori, He wasn't a "horrible little boy" just a little boy who acted horribly. I imagine he was a victim of abuse himself so used me to let out his own saddness or maybe he had some very bad examples in the family? Don't know, but I've forgiven him long ago.

Same for my Mom...after many years of rejection (she really didn't want another child and let me know that regularly), I understood her pain and God actually had me ask her for forgiveness....At first I thought, "what do I have to ask her forgiveness for?" But when I obeyed Him and picked up the phone, He put the words in my mouth. I asked her to forgive me for not being the daughter she needed me to be....for not obeying her out of love, but just out of fear. It changed everything between us and we became the closest of friends in my adult years. The rejection washed off of me. My childhood was difficult too much to share here (my best friend, my Dad, committed suicide when I was 11. He was the one person I was close to and who I felt completely loved by. When he died I felt guilty, hopeless and wished it had been me).

How did I get over it and stop carrying it with me? I didn't until I met Jesus when I was about 26 yrs old. As a child I was in a "religious" home but it was empty religion...just tradition and superstition, but devoid of the truth of the gospel...we were told not to read the bible because it needed to be "interpreted correctly" by the priests. I thought "church" was about guilt and trying to get to God by being "good enough", never knowing that God desired a personal relationship with me just as I am and was waiting for me to receive that gift.

Before that I searched for a reason to be here. I tried many of the things the world says we need to "be" to justify my existence. None of it was real...I couldn't be cute enough, hip enough, intellectual enough, creative enough....I was new age before people knew what new age was, seeking for some purpose and some spiritual control studying ancient religions and philosophy. I studied comparative religions in college and due to my own disappointment and bitterness, decided there was no personal God. (As a child praying that He'd bring my Dad back to life....I decided IF there was, He didn't care about me, and certainly not about my Dad.)

And then, at my lowest point, God opened my eyes and revealed His simple plan of salvation. An old formerly "wild, crazy and self destructive" friend reappeared in my life so changed. I asked him what happened to him. He told me He invited Jesus to be the Lord of his life. I mocked him and told him he was weak and needed "that stuff" but I didn't. At the time Madeleine Murray O'Hare was my hero. He just smiled and said that God has a plan for my life that is written out in the bible, God's love letter to me.... I understood for the first time that I was created out of His love and His design to have a relationship with Him and that the simple good news that Jesus took my pain and my sin on Himself to reconcile me to God now and for eternity....I didn't have to be good enough to earn it, He offered it to me in my place of need, even while I rejected Him....Jesus understands rejection.

He did some deep healing once I realized how valuable I am (we each are) to Him...so valuable that He took my sin and imperfection on Himself to the cross and took the punishment for sin in my place. He literally gave Himself to redeem me and has given me a whole new life. Its a spirit thing...higher than the intellect which transforms the intellect. Simply put, Jesus said, "I came so that you may have life abundant" My favorite verse is from Jeremiah: "Yes, I have loved you from the beginning with an everlasting love, therefore it is with lovingkindness I have drawn you to Myself" Knowing His love is the best and most wonderful experience and I'd never want to live without Him again. His love has enabled me to truly love others. I truly understand what it means to be born again because before knowing Him, it was like my heart and spirit were dead. Its so simple and its all revealed in the bible...ie. John 3:16. Well thats the Reader's Digest version and you did ask! Love, Terry

not a guest...that last post was me...Terry Flower51

He wasn't a "horrible little boy" just a little boy who acted horribly. I imagine he was a victim of abuse himself so used me to let out his own saddness or maybe he had some very bad examples in the family? Don't know, but I've forgiven him long ago.

Terry,
So help me, but as I typed those words, I meant to go back and change them but forgot. Since I proofread my posts (comes from professional habit), I usually save things I know I want to change till the end. I must have overlooked that. I don't believe people are terrible; it's the things that they do that can be. I made it a point never to telll my chidren they were bad boys or a bad girl. I made sure they knew that I didn't think they were bad, but their behavior certainly was. Forgive me now for saying that because it's not what I truly believe, nor is it how I mean to say it. You are totally right.

It seems that you have found what you needed to fill a void in your soul. You obviously had your share, and then some, of sadness and trauma very early on in life. I am so sorry you had to go through that. But you seem to really be on steady ground now and I'm relieved you found your way. You sound like a very loving woman, very forgiving, and finally at peace with yourself and those around you. So to say you are blessed would be pretty accurate.

Thanks for that long and honest post. It must have taken a lot to share that with us all.

LOL Lori...I did know what you meant about that little boy...you were quick to rush to my aid like picking up a little girl who fell and needed a hug....You are such a dear person ...just like you to put healing salve on a wound....Terry

Terry,

Right back at you... .

WOW!!!!
Look at you guys go while I have been asleep in Oz.

CareS,
Thanks for your great healthy eating tips. I will save them all. When you wrote about eating well during the day and then being hungry at night you were describing me to a tee. You're also right about emotional baggage. I was brought up not to express feelings so that when I feel emotions surfacing, which will be at the end of the day when I finally stop to rest, I can push them aside by snacking in front of the TV and falling asleep (pre CPAP).

CPAP therapy has stopped me falling asleep everytime I relax in a chair. When I get enough sleep I notice I don't feel as hungry. And finally this forum has stopped me watching TV at night. Now all I have to learn is how to break away from the forum at a reasonable time. I am also practising allowing my feelings to surface and work through them, and it's not such a bad experience after all.

Lori
I agree with you about ................................ everything as usual. Thanks for being there for everyone. How do you fit in a home-life as well?

Terry
Thank you for sharing with us. How glad I am that you found Jesus at 26. In my early thirties I thought I had everything I needed. We lived on a farm with a lovely home sitting high on a hill looking over beautiful valleys to the mountains, I had a good husband and two beautiful children, a challenging & satisfying job helping young people ................ and I felt an empty hole deep inside my chest. Is this all there is? I knew I was controlled / directed by my conscience so I wanted to find the source. Was it from my parents or society. I found a Good News Bible in my home although I still don't know where it came from. When I opened it there was the answer to my recent question and for the first time I felt that I was reading the truth. I guess I am a slow learner because it took me three years of reading and seeing God work in my life until the day (in 1987 when I was 36) that I prostrated myself before the Lord Jesus Christ and said "please take control of my life". I was broken into a billion pieces as I saw myself in comparison to God and then I was suddenly put back together again. All the guilt and baggage that I had been carrying was gone. I had always thought that Christians were prisoners to a long list of rules (and I still think that some Church-goers are). On that day I didn't enter a prison cell, I walked out of one. Suddenly I was FREE and enveloped in the most amazing love and still am eighteen years later. What a shame He didn't make me perfect .............. but one day He will.

May God bless each and every one of you today and everyday.
Love from Margaret

Lori
I agree with you about ................................ everything as usual. Thanks for being there for everyone. How do you fit in a home-life as well?

Thanks for your sweet words, AS USUAL! I have two older sons, who are 22 and 19, who have very active lives of their own, and an amost 13-year-old daughter who keeps very busy herself, although she does find time and loves to still hang out with her mom (loving it!). I work during the week, but since I'm free-lance, am home a lot. Love being on computer, type like lightning and love being on this site (duh, like it doesn't show with all the posts I've racked up already-a bit humiliating).

Hope all is well by you. Glad to hear your energy level sounds way improved. And keep sleeping those at least 8 hours so the hunger stays under control. So far, I'm not losing another pound. But I did exercise today and am still trying to be good. Talk with you tomorrow. Have a good night and a great sleep.

Sleepless on LI wrote: I do 45 mins. on my recumbent, but that's sitting down. Elliptical, IMHO, is way harder.

My doctor told me I would have to work out for 90 minutes if I was going to use a recumbent bike because the bike would be a lighter work-out. We don't have a recumbent bike (yet). I really like my elliptical...you get used to the 30 minutes pretty quickly.

Amy

My doctor told me I would have to work out for 90 minutes if I was going to use a recumbent bike because the bike would be a lighter work-out.

Is this doctor a descendent of Hitler? When I'm done with 45 minutes, my heart rate is up there. He's got to be kidding to do 90 mins. I've also heard it's not necessary to go more than 45 minutes. That's truly incredible that he says that. What condition is this doctor in, by the way? I always wonder if they practice what they preach.

There is nothing "light" about the workout I get after 45 mins. of bike riding. I'm really surprised he would say that. At the pace I ride, it's about 13-14 miles of bike riding. Is he saying that's a light workout?

Where's Chrisp when you need him...

I loved your post Margaret....you are right, only God can fill that empty place!

etc....anybody here ever try a rebounder for exercise? Easy on the joints, can be fun bouncing up and down with the music cranked up...portable so it can go outside on sunny days if you don't mind the neighbors. I got mine for about $5 at the thrift store years ago. So...hmmm...why is it collecting laundry instead of bouncy me???? About the only thing being excercised lately is my fingers from typing, except for housecleaning, the occasional dog walk or dig in the garden.

BTW I've noticed that my memory has been regressing once again after having a remarkable comeback when I began autopapping. Anyone else have a similar lapse???? I found myself reaching for words the past couple of days just like before....I hoped those days were done! Maybe I need to sleep longer. Terry

Terry

I've been having moments of slow memory too! I'm still not getting a regular eight hours of sleep so maybe that's it ................ although I think my worst day was the one after I overslept (10 hours) I think I must have cooked my brain. Hope someone here has the answer for us.

Margaret

Yes, Terry, I notice an occasional loss for words (who, MOI???), too. Hard to believe judging from the length of my posts, eh? I think that may just be normal. Sometimes we don't have to associate everything to our conditions, I don't think, although I'm guilty of doing it, too. I'm 48 and maybe the old gray matter is a little bit aging in certain spots? That may just be a normal aging thing. I don't know.

And LOL, Margaret, about frying your brain by sleeping 10 hours. Could you imagine if too much sleep was not good? That makes me sad thinking about it. I find now, though, I can't sleep as much as I used to, which I think is a positive sign that my body is getting enough rest and is ready to awaken on its own.

Have a nice day, all.

I've been getting into my old pattern of staying up till 1 or 2 am again and last night COULD NOT make myself fall asleep before that....I was like a little owl with my eyes wide open and alert.....so I just got up and stayed up till I was truly ready to go to sleep....GOT to stop that! I feel much better when I keep "regular hours".....
So I was up looking out for Lori to swoop in and say VAT ARE YOU DOINK? (you know what I'm talking about Lori....)...LOL Terry

LOL...Thanks for starting the morning off with a laugh. Yes, I know what you're talking about.

I don't know, TERRY, if it was something in the air last night, but I had trouble falling asleep, too. I slept pretty well after finally getting to sleep, but it took a little while before I could do it. Then my husband wakes me up getting up to use the "facilities" at 6 AM, when my alarm was due to go off at 6:30. But, believe it or not, fell back to sleep for like 25 mins. or so. I thought I was wide awake when he woke me up, but I actually did fall back to sleep. I really believe it has something to do with the whooshing noise from the mask. Kind of like white noise that soothes you.

SO...was there a full moon out last night, Terrrrry?????

Full moon or not...its not uncommon for God to wake me in the wee hours for some One on one time w/Him...so wonderful....when He does that I am eager to spend time w/Him and be together...sometimes its being in His presence and sometimes its to pray for someone...sometimes He'll just drop an urge to pray inside of me for someone I don't even know...just compels me to and so I do....WOW what an incredible experience. Seriously worth waking up for....So what keeps you up besides full moons and too much pizza before bed???? LOL....

BTW I awoke this morning to our little old lady dog (she's almost 19 now) pacing the kitchen floor which was covered in diarrhea and in her very wet bed. Most mornings when I get up I'm greeted with puddles and etc.... plus a soaked bed. Sometimes even when I get up at 5am to let her out. The past couple years she has bouts of having no control and I've just cleaned it up and relegated her to the one room in our house w/tile floor...the kitchen. Except when her bed is soaked in the morning and she can't help it because she either pees in her sleep or is too weak to get up, it seems like its more a matter of her forgetting she's sposed to save it for outside rather than incontinence. She is the kind of dog that would pee in the crate if I tried to limit her space and bark loudly without ceasing until she'd just fall asleep from tiredness. She sounds like a rooster crowing its so loud...LOL so thats not an option. Ditto for having her in our fenced in yard. When its time to come inside and be w/the family she lets you know it....so keeping her outside is no option...she is a family dog.

.Anyway her times of using the house for a bathroom have increased (I cleaned up after her 4 or 5 times in one day this past week) but occasionally she'll have an entire day or two w/out problems. It is difficult to face that its most likely time to have her euthanized. We've had her since she was a pup and 19 yrs is a long time to love a dog and then say goodbye. She's partially blind and deaf but seems pretty pain free...just old and forgetful and lets loose when she has the urge...Also she has trouble keeping her balance some days. Other times she chases our other bigger dogs around the yard or away from her bowl if she wants to teach them a lesson...There are days when she scampers down the two steps to outside and days when she stumbles and can't seem to see them (not because of any arthritic pain) so I need to pick her up and days when she is so weak I pick her up right from her bed and carry her outside...she's even rolled down the steps before so I've learned to keep the door shup.....but it seems time to let go.

The problem is even though she is showing signs of doggie dementia (like pacing all night....and whining....and of course she paces through her poop and pee and gets it all over her and the floor and bed...a high maintenance girl for sure!!! she still seems happy to be alive. We have the cleanest floor in town w/all the scrubbing I do) This is really hard but we can't have our kitchen be her bathroom anymore...If you put down paper she'll go everywhere BUT the paper and we've taken up all but her little bed (which needs to be washed almost daily and really so should she) because if you put down a rug she'll go straight to the rug and pee on it....maybe her nose isn't working and she thinks its grass LOL....I've had dogs all my life and at the end its always hard to make the decision....we even tried to keep disposable diapers on her with a toddler's onesie but she managed to pull them off through the leg holes! Anyway....I'm wrestling w/this decision today and its a tough one....Terry