Hi Teej,
Welcome to you as well. I like your posts, you are going to be a welcome addition.
Guen,
Appreciate the honesty and welcome to the forum. I still sense more undercurrents here however. Many great advise givers on this forum and don't forget the PM private messages if you see someone you would like to confide in in private.
Hang in there, it will get better with time!
Effects on marriage/intimacy
It took me months to get used to sleeping with the mask on. For me it wasn't claustrophobic, but it was SO uncomfortable. OK, well it still is uncomfortable, but at least I'm used to it.
After 2 1/2 years I finally let my kids ( 10 and 13) see me with it. Why? Self conscious mostly. The thing is goofy, even stupid looking. Plus I let them know that this was making me better, I wasn't doing this because I liked it, but because it was keeping me healthy, awake and less grouchy during the day.
He's not rejecting you. He may even be a little insecure that you'll reject him in this not-so-dashing attire.
After 2 1/2 years I finally let my kids ( 10 and 13) see me with it. Why? Self conscious mostly. The thing is goofy, even stupid looking. Plus I let them know that this was making me better, I wasn't doing this because I liked it, but because it was keeping me healthy, awake and less grouchy during the day.
He's not rejecting you. He may even be a little insecure that you'll reject him in this not-so-dashing attire.
Part of it is also seen as a barrier I think. Once the mask is on it is wrongly assumed that "playtime is over"
HELLO?!?!? THE MASK DOES COME BACK OFF!!!
The mask is for SLEEPING!! Not when being frisky.
He is probably very self conscious right now (meanwhile you wash his tighty whities and he thinks nothing of it ) What you need to do is a) give him positive support, and b) let him know it doesn't bother you! He will come around...
HELLO?!?!? THE MASK DOES COME BACK OFF!!!
The mask is for SLEEPING!! Not when being frisky.
He is probably very self conscious right now (meanwhile you wash his tighty whities and he thinks nothing of it ) What you need to do is a) give him positive support, and b) let him know it doesn't bother you! He will come around...
Dear Guen,
I am so deeply sorry to hear about the loss of your child. As a mother, I cannot imagine anything more devastating. You and your husband are in a very complicated situation. Even without the story of your son and your new daughter, I can easily imagine how vulnerable your husband feels with the equipment. It felt like an extra stress to deal with my husband and his feelings and needs at the time when I was struggling so hard with my own problems and feelings about wearing it. Now, a few months in and I am used to it, all works well enough, and I am ready to attend once again to my marriage. But I don't have these additional complications that you have. It is not unreasonable that emotionally your husband associates this ordeal with the ordeal of losing your child. It could easily suggest that tragic death of his child and the possibility of his own. For me, the equipment looks uncomfortably close to the life support my mother wore as she was dying and this was a big factor in my emotional struggle with it. I can imagine this could be a factor for your husband. Meanwhile, while the birth of a new child seems like it should help (and maybe it does in your case) any reading of materials on "new father" feelings shows that new dads often feel more isolated from their wives rather than closer, as nursing and infant care often takes the mother's attention away from her husband. I realize that many fathers today are more intimately involved in child care, but babies do at the least threaten to change our relationships with our spouses and many are suprised that the presence of the baby raises ambivilances when they thought it would be purely joyful. And the new baby could be bringing back anew all the vulnerability of losing your first child. How could you both not be worrying about what might happen to this child? I know I would be fearful of having to bear a second loss, even when there was no reason to think it would happen again. Of course I don't know what combination of factors is going on for you and your husband. But what I am saying is that any one factor is a lot to deal with. The amount you are dealing with is incredible. My own way of processing these sorts of issues is with a great therapist, but of course everyone has their own means.
I am so deeply sorry to hear about the loss of your child. As a mother, I cannot imagine anything more devastating. You and your husband are in a very complicated situation. Even without the story of your son and your new daughter, I can easily imagine how vulnerable your husband feels with the equipment. It felt like an extra stress to deal with my husband and his feelings and needs at the time when I was struggling so hard with my own problems and feelings about wearing it. Now, a few months in and I am used to it, all works well enough, and I am ready to attend once again to my marriage. But I don't have these additional complications that you have. It is not unreasonable that emotionally your husband associates this ordeal with the ordeal of losing your child. It could easily suggest that tragic death of his child and the possibility of his own. For me, the equipment looks uncomfortably close to the life support my mother wore as she was dying and this was a big factor in my emotional struggle with it. I can imagine this could be a factor for your husband. Meanwhile, while the birth of a new child seems like it should help (and maybe it does in your case) any reading of materials on "new father" feelings shows that new dads often feel more isolated from their wives rather than closer, as nursing and infant care often takes the mother's attention away from her husband. I realize that many fathers today are more intimately involved in child care, but babies do at the least threaten to change our relationships with our spouses and many are suprised that the presence of the baby raises ambivilances when they thought it would be purely joyful. And the new baby could be bringing back anew all the vulnerability of losing your first child. How could you both not be worrying about what might happen to this child? I know I would be fearful of having to bear a second loss, even when there was no reason to think it would happen again. Of course I don't know what combination of factors is going on for you and your husband. But what I am saying is that any one factor is a lot to deal with. The amount you are dealing with is incredible. My own way of processing these sorts of issues is with a great therapist, but of course everyone has their own means.
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Maskedmechanic
Untreated apnea affects sexuality and intimacy. Check out the WebMD article at http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,157667,00.html
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nodding off
- Posts: 133
- Joined: Tue Feb 22, 2005 3:54 pm
- Location: Central Mass
- Contact:
Hi Guen,
Welcome to the cure! I've been on the hose for 10 years now and married 30. We cuddle before I put on my mask, then go to sleep. My wife sleeps much better with me on CPAP, as I used to keep her awake snoring. Now, I listen to her snoring (payback!). She also likes me much better awake and alert, and with restful sleep I am a much better partner! I was very self conscious about the mask the first several months, but now it is just like any other piece of sleeping apparel. Be patient with your spouse, he'll get used to it in time.
Welcome to the cure! I've been on the hose for 10 years now and married 30. We cuddle before I put on my mask, then go to sleep. My wife sleeps much better with me on CPAP, as I used to keep her awake snoring. Now, I listen to her snoring (payback!). She also likes me much better awake and alert, and with restful sleep I am a much better partner! I was very self conscious about the mask the first several months, but now it is just like any other piece of sleeping apparel. Be patient with your spouse, he'll get used to it in time.
Well put, DrDroopy!
I'm relatively new to the CPAP, Guen, and the reason I'm not a two year vet already is fear and claustrophobia. There are so many associations with the CPAP that you have to get over, and like everyone says, it does take time but it is absolutely worth it in the end. I was ready to sleep in our guest room rather than have my husband see me with the mask on (and that was after I got over the fear of GETTING the mask), then I would wait until he came to bed and the lights were out before I'd put it on (or if I went to bed before him, I'd tear it off if he woke me up coming into the room). It does make you feel a little freaky/undesirable/medical/sick, and with the loss of your son, I'm sure that's compounded in him. May I make a few suggestions that may work for you? They may be too aggressive for you or your husband, also, so please know I don't mean to put you off, either!
1. Talk to him about the mask, ask how he's doing, how he's feeling - do it with encouragement. "Hey, you've been on it a week now, bet you're starting to feel a little more energetic, eh?" And if he takes a while to feel better, you've clearly read about these devices, remind him it sometimes takes people a few weeks to notice a major improvement.
2. People separate the mask from friskiness, but why? *perverted grin* The Darth Vader jokes can be turned into playacting pretty quickly, if you get my drift. Find ways to have FUN with it, be they frisky or just jokey. It's unoriginal, but the hubby calls me Darth Tina now, and with another Star Wars currently in the theatres, it's a source of rich comedic material. Humor is so healing.
3. Don't stop cuddling, we didn't (again, once I got over it). My husband realized what I was up to, though, and started coming to bed early so I couldn't avoid him. We'd cuddle until I started to doze off, then he would gently wake me up and tell me to put my mask on. This works if you've got one that's easily worn, less likely if it's more involved putting it on.
4. Kiss him, cuddle him, tell him how much you like the mask because it helps him sleep better, that it lets you sleep better because he's not snoring, how you like how he has (will have) more energy for life (and other things!).
5. Talk to him about the claustrophobia - is it because his view is blocked? He's got so much gear on he feels locked in? Maybe a different mask would make him feel better. There are many different styles that cover less of your face. Encourage him to look around online and find a mask and headgear that seem less oppressive to him. Heck, one of the best things I did was buy a Snuggle Hose, which is just a fleece tube you put over the CPAP hose. It made it soft, less medical, and fun to touch and sleep around. They sell aftermarket headgear now in camoflauge - how cool and funny is that? It feels less confining if you like the LOOK of it, too.
6. Talk about your son and the feelings the machine brings up in you - because they no doubt bring them up in him, too. He's probably pulling away to avoid dealing his own feelings directly, or, perhaps, to try to protect you from seeing him in the gear. But OSA runs in families, we've read it in studies and seen it all over this board - I'm sure you know it, also. I pray your husband is not associating the fact that Shane needed CPAP during his all too short life with the sense that he, too, is now on some sort of Hospice care just with a different name. It's scary enough on its own; to have watched a child pass while wearing one has to be terrifying. But the treatment is the hope for an otherwise healthy person. He can master this, for you, for Chrysona, and for himself.
7. Above all, be patient, and help him be patient with himself. It takes time to get used to it even in the best circumstances, but it IS worth it in the end.
Best to you,
Tina
I'm relatively new to the CPAP, Guen, and the reason I'm not a two year vet already is fear and claustrophobia. There are so many associations with the CPAP that you have to get over, and like everyone says, it does take time but it is absolutely worth it in the end. I was ready to sleep in our guest room rather than have my husband see me with the mask on (and that was after I got over the fear of GETTING the mask), then I would wait until he came to bed and the lights were out before I'd put it on (or if I went to bed before him, I'd tear it off if he woke me up coming into the room). It does make you feel a little freaky/undesirable/medical/sick, and with the loss of your son, I'm sure that's compounded in him. May I make a few suggestions that may work for you? They may be too aggressive for you or your husband, also, so please know I don't mean to put you off, either!
1. Talk to him about the mask, ask how he's doing, how he's feeling - do it with encouragement. "Hey, you've been on it a week now, bet you're starting to feel a little more energetic, eh?" And if he takes a while to feel better, you've clearly read about these devices, remind him it sometimes takes people a few weeks to notice a major improvement.
2. People separate the mask from friskiness, but why? *perverted grin* The Darth Vader jokes can be turned into playacting pretty quickly, if you get my drift. Find ways to have FUN with it, be they frisky or just jokey. It's unoriginal, but the hubby calls me Darth Tina now, and with another Star Wars currently in the theatres, it's a source of rich comedic material. Humor is so healing.
3. Don't stop cuddling, we didn't (again, once I got over it). My husband realized what I was up to, though, and started coming to bed early so I couldn't avoid him. We'd cuddle until I started to doze off, then he would gently wake me up and tell me to put my mask on. This works if you've got one that's easily worn, less likely if it's more involved putting it on.
4. Kiss him, cuddle him, tell him how much you like the mask because it helps him sleep better, that it lets you sleep better because he's not snoring, how you like how he has (will have) more energy for life (and other things!).
5. Talk to him about the claustrophobia - is it because his view is blocked? He's got so much gear on he feels locked in? Maybe a different mask would make him feel better. There are many different styles that cover less of your face. Encourage him to look around online and find a mask and headgear that seem less oppressive to him. Heck, one of the best things I did was buy a Snuggle Hose, which is just a fleece tube you put over the CPAP hose. It made it soft, less medical, and fun to touch and sleep around. They sell aftermarket headgear now in camoflauge - how cool and funny is that? It feels less confining if you like the LOOK of it, too.
6. Talk about your son and the feelings the machine brings up in you - because they no doubt bring them up in him, too. He's probably pulling away to avoid dealing his own feelings directly, or, perhaps, to try to protect you from seeing him in the gear. But OSA runs in families, we've read it in studies and seen it all over this board - I'm sure you know it, also. I pray your husband is not associating the fact that Shane needed CPAP during his all too short life with the sense that he, too, is now on some sort of Hospice care just with a different name. It's scary enough on its own; to have watched a child pass while wearing one has to be terrifying. But the treatment is the hope for an otherwise healthy person. He can master this, for you, for Chrysona, and for himself.
7. Above all, be patient, and help him be patient with himself. It takes time to get used to it even in the best circumstances, but it IS worth it in the end.
Best to you,
Tina
**************
RemStar M Series Auto w/C-Flex, many masks (ComfortCurve, Comfort Lite, MirageSwift, lots of personal mods)
RemStar M Series Auto w/C-Flex, many masks (ComfortCurve, Comfort Lite, MirageSwift, lots of personal mods)
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Guest
Guen,
I have been married to my awesome, totally supportive husband for 23 years, and I just began using CPAP a little over a month ago. I exiled the poor guy from our bedroom indefinitely, until I get used to it but mostly because its pretty embarrassing having an octopus strapped to your face! I just don't want him to see me this way! I don't care how long you've been married - you still want to seem sexy to your partner - not sickly and not ridiculous looking with a mask and headgear and a tube.
He tells me I'm being ridiculous, but is cheerfully sharing the futon in the spare room with our Saint Bernard (the dog is loving life let me tell you, being able to sleep on a bed the whole night - the three of us don't fit on one bed).
He comes in every night and lays with me and cuddles before I don my scuba gear - so we are not lacking for snuggle time!
I agree with the others here who have counselled to give it time.
I have been married to my awesome, totally supportive husband for 23 years, and I just began using CPAP a little over a month ago. I exiled the poor guy from our bedroom indefinitely, until I get used to it but mostly because its pretty embarrassing having an octopus strapped to your face! I just don't want him to see me this way! I don't care how long you've been married - you still want to seem sexy to your partner - not sickly and not ridiculous looking with a mask and headgear and a tube.
He tells me I'm being ridiculous, but is cheerfully sharing the futon in the spare room with our Saint Bernard (the dog is loving life let me tell you, being able to sleep on a bed the whole night - the three of us don't fit on one bed).
He comes in every night and lays with me and cuddles before I don my scuba gear - so we are not lacking for snuggle time!
I agree with the others here who have counselled to give it time.
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Sleepless on LI
- Posts: 3997
- Joined: Mon May 30, 2005 6:46 pm
- Location: Long Island, New York
Guen,
Your story has touched my heart. Please give your husband some time to work through it in his own way. I have been married 25 years this October - yes, to the same man - and I never thought I would hear myself say this, but I felt funny about putting on the mask and having him see me in this situation. We have been through so much together over the years that I never thought anything would make me feel that way. He is disabled himself now for about eight years. But I have learned how medical conditions and what goes along with them can make us feel things we do not expect and it takes time for us to work through it sometimes. And after reading your followup, is it any wonder your husband is feeling, shall we say, emotional?
I wish you all the best and hope his therapy and getting used-to period is as quick as anyone's can possibly be. Keep posting for support. I know I will. This is a Godsend to all of us in this same boat.
God bless you and your family.
Your story has touched my heart. Please give your husband some time to work through it in his own way. I have been married 25 years this October - yes, to the same man - and I never thought I would hear myself say this, but I felt funny about putting on the mask and having him see me in this situation. We have been through so much together over the years that I never thought anything would make me feel that way. He is disabled himself now for about eight years. But I have learned how medical conditions and what goes along with them can make us feel things we do not expect and it takes time for us to work through it sometimes. And after reading your followup, is it any wonder your husband is feeling, shall we say, emotional?
I wish you all the best and hope his therapy and getting used-to period is as quick as anyone's can possibly be. Keep posting for support. I know I will. This is a Godsend to all of us in this same boat.
God bless you and your family.
L o R i
Wow. What a great thread.
I've been married for 29 years, and I do NOT want Rick to see me in this thing. I can't even explain why. (I don't want to see me in it, either.)
It's so cool that everyone is so candid and willing to share their own experiences. It really helps to put things into perspective.
I've only used my CPAP twice now, and each time only kept it on for two hours, but I'm feeling so EMPOWERED.
I WILL do better tonight!
I've been married for 29 years, and I do NOT want Rick to see me in this thing. I can't even explain why. (I don't want to see me in it, either.)
It's so cool that everyone is so candid and willing to share their own experiences. It really helps to put things into perspective.
I've only used my CPAP twice now, and each time only kept it on for two hours, but I'm feeling so EMPOWERED.
I WILL do better tonight!
Good for you, katie! Show your dh your "Darth katie" look....laugh about it, make jokes about it, enjoy the humor of the situation....but wear it and know that it will help you in so many ways! I would be willing to bet your husband isn't going to think anywhere near the thoughts you think he's going to think about it! (hmm, did that last sentence say what I think I said or what I tried to say??? LOL)
This therapy WORKS!
This therapy WORKS!
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| Mask: Ultra Mirage™ Full Face CPAP Mask with Headgear |
| Additional Comments: APAP, 8-14 cm H2O. |
This therapy WORKS!!!