Effects on marriage/intimacy

My husband just began CPAP treatment and I am feeling overwhelmed. We are newlyweds and he is already saying that I will have to sleep somewhere else bc. he is feeling claustrophobic. I am a cuddler, and it is very important to me to have this connection with him at night. I want him to feel well and to benefit from the CPAP. But, I just feel so cheated! Can anyone speak to this? As a spouse, I believe there are very detrimental effects of sleep apnea and CPAP treatments on a marriage. I feel lonely, frustrated, and bitter. I can see his point- sleeping together with the CPAP running is not ideal. I hope that someone can respond to this. Thank you.

Wow Guen!

You say he just started Cpap? My advise is give him a little time to get used to it. My wife and I are snugglers as well and Cpap has been great for us as now I don't snore to raise the dead. I feel better and because of that it makes me more randy. I really think given more time, you will find this the case, unless of course there is more under the surface in your new marriage and Cpap is just the cop out. I think an informal poll here would show that in the majority of cases Cpap has been great and has allowed couples to grow back together again. I hope you work it out as you should not be resenting your new husband for his affliction, but would rather be there for him aqnd help him through this. Good Luck IMHO

Gee, I'm not in either of your situations. But I was impressed by Rock & Roll's insightful description. Very wise advice. And FYI, R&R is one of the nicest, wisest people on this forum I've come to "meet." I'm impressed with him more and more, with every one of his posts and his private messages. R&R, I really loved this description and advice. Now, if I ever knew how to write a book on all this, I would include it.



Linda

Tom and I are both snugglers, before I got my CPAP, he would put his on, roll over and hug me and kiss me then say good night and go to sleep.
I have my CPAP and we hug before I put mine on since I have a FF.

Give him time.

guen wrote:My husband just began CPAP treatment and I am feeling overwhelmed. We are newlyweds and he is already saying that I will have to sleep somewhere else bc. he is feeling claustrophobic....

Sleep somewhere else, as in another room? Or does he mean just not right next to him? It almost sounds like he's feeling embarrassed to have you see him in his mask and hooked up to the machine. Maybe he's self-conscious about what he looks like and doesn't like the idea of you seeing him this way.

If he doesn't want you snuggling next to him, maybe he just likes the freedom of space when he's sleeping. I'm like that. I feel constrained when another body is squishing into my space when I'm trying to sleep. (The operative word there is 'sleep' as opposed to other bedroom activities.) I'm a woman and perhaps I'm an anomaly in this anti-cuddling to sleep better thing.... but if he feels this way too, maybe he's afraid to tell you for fear you'll feel he's rejecting you.... so its easier for him to say, "claustrophobic" and blame it on the mask.

Give him time. Maybe when you go to bed you should have a routine of cuddling and talking a bit b4 he puts on the mask. Once its on, try moving away a bit to give him his space. Hang in there!!

Great Advice folks.

I don't see what one has to do with the other. I must have forgotten something.

Sleep time is sleep time.

Other time is other time.

PAP allows me to enjoy both.

After 44 years of marriage I think I am doing something right.

[/i]

Hi folks!

This is more of a Q than a comment...

On another discussion line (post-polio@yahoogroups.com), I am "owner" of one of the sub-lines, PPS_Intimacy. I was about to ask a question on this very topic of the members there. Would any of you mind if I were to copy/poaste one or two of your posts over there?

Thanks in advance!

- JB

I don't mind a bit. Feel free!

Guen:
Patience, Grasshopper...

Partner is probably very worried about his health right now and, it is very hard to be vulnerable in front of others, especially those with whom you are closest. Give him time to settle in and start feeling the beneficial effects of treatment. Give yourself time to settle in and adjust as well.

Guen,

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you especially since you are a newlywed. You need to talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. And I know this is easier said than done.

My boyfriend and I were cuddlers as we drifted off to sleep.....at least until I started snoring and woke him up! We have our cuddle time before we go to sleep and then in the morning when we wake up. Once I put the mask on, we "retire" to our own sides of the bed. But at various times during the night, he'll roll over and touch me or kiss me on the shoulder.

I wish you the best and remember that there are a lot more people out there in your situation than you think.

Jeanne

[quote="guen"]My husband just began CPAP treatment and I am feeling overwhelmed. We are newlyweds and he is already saying that I will have to sleep somewhere else bc. he is feeling claustrophobic. I am a cuddler, and it is very important to me to have this connection with him at night. I want him to feel well and to benefit from the CPAP. But, I just feel so cheated! Can anyone speak to this? As a spouse, I believe there are very detrimental effects of sleep apnea and CPAP treatments on a marriage. I feel lonely, frustrated, and bitter. I can see his point- sleeping together with the CPAP running is not ideal. I hope that someone can respond to this. Thank you.

I have no problem being quoted and thanks LDuyer for the kind words. I always tell it like it is, I know no other way and yes sometimes it gets me in trouble. But I make my living studying people and in listening to them for what they are really saying.

I smell more to to this particular probelm than what's being admitted. They are newlyweds for Pete's sake, they should be on cloud nine

Guen
I am a newbie to xpap, on day 21. I have just now gotten almost comfortable with my dh of 14 years seeing me in it. I was lucky for the first couple of days with a mask as dh fell asleep on the couch and didn't come up til the wee hours and by then I had already screamed, had a tantrum, thrown the d**mn thing across the room and finally given up and gone to sleep.

I was also TOTALLY out of my mind claustrophobic in the mask and head gear for nearly 2 weeks. I could tolerated it in daylight, but come night, and enter my poor dh and I felt like there just wasn't enough room or enough air. I also worried about waking him either by the noise of the machine or because I would want to scream or because he was just sleeping there so peacfully and I wanted to smack him for not having to wear the mask too.

Another thing I noticed was that I felt really vulnerable being tied to the machine. I couldn't hear very well, I could only get comfortable in 1 position, I felt trapped, and of course was already nuts from sleep deprivation and now was loosing 2-3 more hours of sleep trying to keep the mask on, I was getting really paranoid. Just having dh turn over in bed sometimes messed up the mask seal, and it did seem like he was too close. I also suggested separate bedrooms, I just wanted to be alone with my misery.

I am much better now. I still haven't slept all night with xpap on but I am not so freaked out. I can put the mask on infront of dh, and yesterday I got an Aura and now I don't feel so tied down or trapped. I still cant hear well over the machine, but I can turn over with out strangling or knocking the mask off, and I can see better because the mask/straps used to almost totally block my vision.

Give him time, reassure him that he won't bother you with noise, tossing, etc (lie if you have to), and I don't know which mask he his wearing, but maybe something less confining would help. There are lots of choices and Im sure lots of people with more experience than me in using them can help. I've only used Respironics contour (BLAHHHH) Sleepnet Minime (so close, but no) and now Aeiomed Aura (Eureka).

Wow. I feel so blessed to have had so many caring and thought-provoking responses! How can I ever thank all of you? I just burst into tears knowing that I have reached some support.

There is a very important component here, to our story, that I left out because I have not found a comfortable forum to discuss the following:

Before Peter and I were married, we had a son, Shane, who needed CPAP and later a Bipap. He had a muscle disease and spent his last six weeks at home on Hospice. We were in charge of his peak flows, hoses, humidifier, feeding tube, O2, etc. I know ALOT about respiratory ailments and machines. He died at seven months.

When Peter was diagnosed a few weeks ago I felt it was a very cruel irony. My son on CPAP and now my husband. When he started up the machine last night it brought back so much pain. I want my husband to live a full and healthy life. I do not want him to join our son.

Your responses motivated me to be honest and share. We have a website of our family-www.msnusers.com/ChrysonaJoyCorrigan it will show pictures of us, Shane, and our new daughter, Chrysona. This is not some contrived story- it has been an honor to join your forum. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Wow... heady stuff.

First of all, welcome Guen. Glad your here for a number of reasons. I've just started CPAP myself, and it's good to get insight into what my wifey might be feeling.

As i read thru the responses you've gotten thus far, I see a common thread... be patient with him. What he's going thru isn't minor. It will take time for him to adjust to the headgear and the embarrassment.

As in any relationship, how quickly you two work thru this depends on how patient, supportive, and communicative you are. If you truly want things to get better, talk to him.. tell him how you're feeling. Ask him how he's feeling. Assure him you're commited to helping him thru this.

Working thru this little challenge could be an incredible foundation on which to build your relationship. It all comes down to how you respond to the challenge.


<EDIT>
I just read your second post (yes, i'm a slow typer). I'm encouraged that you're committed to helping him thru this.
</EDIT>


RnR,
Well said, sir. And yes, i wonder about what's not being said as well.


Never,
My wife is similar in that she needs her space when she sleeps. Claustrophobic isn't a word she's used, but the end result is she sleeps way over on the other side of the bed.

You're not alone.


Will,
Agreed. Time should help.


Jeanne,
Yes! There are many more of us. And the support found here is exactly what is needed; especially early on in the process.


Kajun,
It's encouraging to hear that the Uhhhhh... non-sleeping bedtime activities might experience an upswing.

Upswings are good. heh


3Isles,
Exactly! What's been frustrating (early on) is trading shallow, interrupted sleep for NO sleep while i learn to live with the mask. At least with shallow sleep, i wasn't lying awake counting the minutes. Sheesh.. But already (i'm only 6 nights into it), i'm seeing improvement.




teej