Oh, Josh, been there, done that. I'm glad only two weeks are left. I am glad your employer is so understanding. This disorder is devastating.
I know that I have gotten a lot of peace from my treatment and my temper has burned down to next to nothing now. I have even noticed my sons behavior improving as my patience improves! I hope the surgery puts you in the same frame of mind within a few weeks. You deserve the peace.
jen
I don't know what to do
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Josh,
I really hope things work out for you. I know how frustrating it is to try different meds (prozac, effexor, wellbutrin, lexapro, & cymbalta + adderall for me; yuck) and have none of them really work. It's so disappointing.
And then there's the fact that no one really seems to understand how OSA can affect you unless they've suffered from it themselves. While my boss has been really helpful with letting me work reduced hours, and my co-workers do thier best to pick up my slack (which I feel really guilty about), I have to wonder if they resent me, even just a little bit. But at the same time, I think "If they knew, if they had any idea how wretchedly miserable I feel, and how I can barely drag myself out of bed every day..." and then I start feeling resentful.
And the whole link between OSA and psychiatric conditions (bipolar, depression, etc) really upsets me. Whenever I think of all the time I wasted listening to different doctors tell me my tiredness was just caused by "depression", and then taking those different medications, I want to scream. I realize that it's hard to say which caused which (the fatigue or the "depression"), but my gut instinct tells me the "depression" symptoms I've put up with for so long come from having untreated OSA. It makes me so angry, especially at my psychiatrist. At every visit with him, I complained about being really tired. It was never really about feeling down or "depressed", I actually said on many occasions "Well, I'd be in a better mood/happier/etc if I wasn't so tired all the time." His solution of course, was the Adderall. But not only him, I'm angry at all the other doctors who haven't listened to me, didn't take me seriously, patronized me, and overall, treated me like a stupid little girl.
And I know how horrible it is to have to wait around for treatment. I'm so sorry you have to wait for your surgery and it keeps getting put off. I'm waiting to start CPAP, and it's so awful to know there's something that could help you feel better, but you have to wait. It really, really sucks.
The mood changes are horrible too. Today (thankfully) my mood is pretty decent, but yesterday I was feeling so awful that I wondered which would be worse: continuing to live feeling like I do, or just taking the entire bottle of sleeping pills my stupid psychiatrist gave me. The thing is, I really don't want to die. But at the same time, feeling so miserable makes life not seem worth living.
Sorry this has gotten long... There is a point to this.
First of all, I get where you're coming from.
Second, you have every right to be angry about what's been happening to you.
All of us who have been jerked around by the medical system, had to deal with arrogant doctors who seem to think they're God Almighty, put up with insurance companies that don't seem to care whether we live or die as long as they save a dollar or two, been made to wait, dealt with friends/family members who don't understand, and so on... we have every right to be upset. It's what we do to try and cope with that anger that really matters.
This might sound lame, but something that really helps me is keeping a journal. If I'm having a bad day I can write a really long rant about it and get it out of my system. Writing about stuff can be really helpful, especially if it seems like there's no one you can talk to about it. You can also use it to keep track of your symptoms from day to day, so you won't forget. This can be really useful when talking to a doctor/therapist/etc.
At least for me personally, most of the anger comes from feeling like I don't have any control over my situation. Anything positive you can do to try and make your situation more manageable is good.
For example, I can't control that my (soon to be ex)-psychiatrist was an arrogant jerk who didn't listen to me and just kept drugging me, but I can keep looking for a new doctor who will actually do their best to help me, and treat me with the respect I deserve, etc.
Anyway, I hope some of this has been helpful, and that life improves for you soon.
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CPAPopedia Keywords Contained In This Post (Click For Definition): CPAP
I really hope things work out for you. I know how frustrating it is to try different meds (prozac, effexor, wellbutrin, lexapro, & cymbalta + adderall for me; yuck) and have none of them really work. It's so disappointing.
And then there's the fact that no one really seems to understand how OSA can affect you unless they've suffered from it themselves. While my boss has been really helpful with letting me work reduced hours, and my co-workers do thier best to pick up my slack (which I feel really guilty about), I have to wonder if they resent me, even just a little bit. But at the same time, I think "If they knew, if they had any idea how wretchedly miserable I feel, and how I can barely drag myself out of bed every day..." and then I start feeling resentful.
And the whole link between OSA and psychiatric conditions (bipolar, depression, etc) really upsets me. Whenever I think of all the time I wasted listening to different doctors tell me my tiredness was just caused by "depression", and then taking those different medications, I want to scream. I realize that it's hard to say which caused which (the fatigue or the "depression"), but my gut instinct tells me the "depression" symptoms I've put up with for so long come from having untreated OSA. It makes me so angry, especially at my psychiatrist. At every visit with him, I complained about being really tired. It was never really about feeling down or "depressed", I actually said on many occasions "Well, I'd be in a better mood/happier/etc if I wasn't so tired all the time." His solution of course, was the Adderall. But not only him, I'm angry at all the other doctors who haven't listened to me, didn't take me seriously, patronized me, and overall, treated me like a stupid little girl.
And I know how horrible it is to have to wait around for treatment. I'm so sorry you have to wait for your surgery and it keeps getting put off. I'm waiting to start CPAP, and it's so awful to know there's something that could help you feel better, but you have to wait. It really, really sucks.
The mood changes are horrible too. Today (thankfully) my mood is pretty decent, but yesterday I was feeling so awful that I wondered which would be worse: continuing to live feeling like I do, or just taking the entire bottle of sleeping pills my stupid psychiatrist gave me. The thing is, I really don't want to die. But at the same time, feeling so miserable makes life not seem worth living.
Sorry this has gotten long... There is a point to this.
First of all, I get where you're coming from.
Second, you have every right to be angry about what's been happening to you.
All of us who have been jerked around by the medical system, had to deal with arrogant doctors who seem to think they're God Almighty, put up with insurance companies that don't seem to care whether we live or die as long as they save a dollar or two, been made to wait, dealt with friends/family members who don't understand, and so on... we have every right to be upset. It's what we do to try and cope with that anger that really matters.
This might sound lame, but something that really helps me is keeping a journal. If I'm having a bad day I can write a really long rant about it and get it out of my system. Writing about stuff can be really helpful, especially if it seems like there's no one you can talk to about it. You can also use it to keep track of your symptoms from day to day, so you won't forget. This can be really useful when talking to a doctor/therapist/etc.
At least for me personally, most of the anger comes from feeling like I don't have any control over my situation. Anything positive you can do to try and make your situation more manageable is good.
For example, I can't control that my (soon to be ex)-psychiatrist was an arrogant jerk who didn't listen to me and just kept drugging me, but I can keep looking for a new doctor who will actually do their best to help me, and treat me with the respect I deserve, etc.
Anyway, I hope some of this has been helpful, and that life improves for you soon.
_________________
CPAPopedia Keywords Contained In This Post (Click For Definition): CPAP
_________________
CPAPopedia Keywords Contained In This Post (Click For Definition): CPAP
_________________
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