Creative Members: Help Me

I loved the fart site! I know most of the terms from my son's Grossology book (scatole, indole, etc.) as well as the process that produces the excessive flatulance. I also learned at Nick.com that the normal person produces an average of 14 farts per day. But what cracked me up at the website most was the comment about "Morning Thunder."

The comments here and on that site caused me to laugh so hard I almost wet my pants!

As for advice, you could always rerdirect the discussion to the weather along these lines:

"Haven't you noticed it's been especially windy these mornings sometimes accompanied by quite a bit of morning thunder - at least around my house. I also noticed the dog following me quite closely - must be related to the windy and thundery conditions. But there are times when he shakes his head and paws at his nose. Wonder what causes that???"

As a fellow major sufferer of "morning, afternoon, and all day thunder" I can deeply sympathise. Unfortunately for women it's not a thing much bragged about. I try to release my bombs in the copy room at work. Now at home, my kids (8 year old twins) roll on the floor laughing about it! So much for sympathy....

DeltaSeeker wrote:.........

I try to release my bombs in the copy room at work. ....

To workmates: "Smell? Oh, that's the toner. The company started buying the cheap stuff from China."

Great answer. I also love it in the spring when they put new mulch down - I can feel free to let 'em rip without worry that someone is goign to know "darn that mulch smells bad..."

Too funny

"the member formerly known as LPADY"

Love the humor in this group!

To the original poster, all you need to say is that it is a follow-up visit. No need to say anything more, if you don't want to tell them, it is none of their business.

Sleepy Dog Lover wrote:To the original poster, all you need to say is that it is a follow-up visit. No need to say anything more, if you don't want to tell them, it is none of their business.

Amen to that!

Rooster, when I read your message

Surely you can help me with a term better and more elusive than that?

I wondered if perhaps you might be feeling ashamed of passing so much gas? I am guessing that you might have a need to feel more socially acceptable. Would you be willing to tell me if I am right in this guess?

If I am, then there is another way of dealing with this situation.

Are you willing to consider that you could be proud of passing so much gas?

Perhaps let people know that you are going to the doctor to checkup on your flatus ability (FA).

Have you considered measuring your FA?
Each time you wanted to fart, you could immerse yourself in a bath-tub, catch and measure and record the volume. Then you could try to set up an entry in the Guiness World Book of Records, enter and make yourself famous.

Have you done market research on canning and selling your flatus?
People buy lots of weird stuff and maybe the s/m crowd would make it a fad and lap it up if it were canned sold on e-bay.

(You might even get offers for a fresh delivery. It would definitely be valued as being totally organic)

Have you thought of finding/founding a branch of Farters Anonymous?
One of the weird things that happen in 12 step programs is that people land up saying that they are grateful they have the disease. So maybe you would find yourself saying one day "My name is Rooster and I am a grateful farter".

Have you researched to see if there are some tribe or cult that ranks flatus as important?
If you found one that measured worth by the amount of farting, you could go there and be king.!!

But let me tell you part of my history.
About twenty years ago I was involved with this ICU nurse who ate lots of charcoal but still vented a lot. And when we slept in bed together and she did her thing, I would smile and say to myself, "Thats R____, reminding me that she is there. I love her so much and I am glad that she reminds me that she is there"

True story.

So, when life is giving you lemons, make lemonade.
And when

Life is giving you flatus, have a flatusday !!!

John M
Surgeon Generals Warning
Request for creativity may be damaging to your psyche

Hey, I don't know about your workplace, but I can tell you my particular office, we know WAY TOO MUCH about each other's private lives.

They all know I'm on CPAP and all know I'm really not adjusting well. The first Monday after I got my machine, I came in with the chinstrap, because I KNEW my boss would love the idea of something to keep my mouth shut. As predicted, he laughed so hard he snorted coffee out of his nose.

I say, you just let one rip and tell them -"What did you think CPAP stood for?"

LOL,
Barbara

Check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_P%C3%A9tomane

He did!!!

John

Perhaps you would like to preserve one. You could use this:

http://tinyurl.com/2mhfdn

Catnapper

Gidday Rooster,

Let me preface my remarks by apologising in advance for having fun with your dilemna! Poor form, I’m sure you’ll agree!

When they ask you why you went for that visit, just reply “My name is Maximus Decimus Roosterus...Father to a fart effected son. Husband to a flatulated wife.” You could mention that your relationship needed a bit of a spark & that your wife just loves the Dutch Oven, but you couldn’t keep up, so you’re using cpap to build up some reserves of methane. By spark, I am by no means advocating the ignition of the oxygen & methane mix. We’ve all heard the stories of how setting fire to a fart can 'backfire', & the difficulty in explaining the injury to rescue and surgery personnel if it goes wrong.

Just to let you know I truly sympathise with you I have posted these images. It does seem you can get away with just about anything else:



One word of caution brother – steer clear of Foster’s Lager:



If all else fails, simply put up a sign at your workstation:





Peter

Oh Dear Peter,

I have been cheered by all the kind posts here. However, none so warmed my heart as the one from you, a man of the highest calling.

Only you could have given me the courage to reveal to the world my deepest darkest fear: the proverbial "fart in church".

rooster

"Doc, I have become a fart machine"

Who knows ... you may even be able to give this guy a run for his money ... errr mmm gas

http://www.mrmethane.com/html/drop/dropfr.html

This may not encourage you mate, but you are not alone!!





Peter

I laughed so hard a half dozen just slipped out.

Gives a whole new meaning to pews.