Instructions for Correctly Fitting Vista Headgear

Rested Gal made me do this!!!!!! I was very envious of Derek's Encore Pro Software Review, so I wanted to share my special knowledge of the Vista headgear.
The DME provided their usual excellent service and handed me a plastic bag and said "Here it is!" I believe that was what is known as the "specialized fitting".
The trick was to correctly fit the headgear FIRST (which I obviously figured out later). You have to get it adjusted so that the side straps are staying below your ears - not close enough to be rubbing. That requires adjustment of the top buckle. While you are holding both straps with your hands, you use your feet to adjust the top buckle so that it is resting firmly on your head. Then with your OTHER hands, you attach the actual mask to the buckles.
You are then able to release your feet from their present position and use them to pull the side straps so that the mask is now resting comfortably against your face. It is best to have the hose removed because you will die before completing the final step!
It is important to make sure that the mask remains no higher than the middle of the bridge of your nose. At this point, you will need a ruler for exact measurement. You will also need another set of hands to hold the mask in place while you again adjust the top buckle using your 2 feet and 3 other hands.
Now comes the easy part. You find no less than 4 magnifying mirrors which you will be holding with your hands, so you will need to utilize your feet. You also need to use the hands and feet of other people (preferably someone you know and not someone you found on the street corner). With the aid of at least 4 other people, you attach the hose and turn on the machine.
While keeping the headgear in its special position, you push in the magic tabs located on each side. This requires 2 people on each side - preferably people who do not wear bifocals and can see the miniscule lines. You adjust each side 1 line at a time, in both up and down positions, while the 3 other people you have located (you no longer care if they live on the street) check around the edges of the mask for leaks.
This process will take approximately 1 hour because, of course, you will want to retest each line to doublecheck its level of effectiveness.
When you have located the correct positioning, you serve refreshments to your new friends. You then cut off the 27 inches of extra strap that you will never need - unless your head swells from discovering a cure for cancer - which you will be able to do because you will not be sleeping for worrying about moving the mask out of its special position.
At this point, it is best to utilize crazy glue to keep the mask from never again being displaced. You can also do this by actually sewing the straps together - this works only if you are Martha Stewart and have recently woven special CPAP headgear thread from garden weeds.
You then discover that because this is a much smaller nasal mask than the Activa, that you must really crank up the humidifier because it is causing bloody noses!

Special thanks to Rested Gal who has endured endless E-Mails and loads of guidance. Thank you to all the wonderful posters who have shared their knowledge and insight.

Enjoy!

I have actually trained a monkey to hold most of the straps during adjustment as they have great dexterity. It is sometimes necessary to use duct tape (the good stuff, not that five and dime cheesy stuff) anyway as the monkey is easily distracted by the hamster that I use to hold the top buckle in place. During the day, the hamster uses the hose in his habitrail. I find that helps keep his (or hers, I haven't checked, it bites if you try) enthusiasm up. The mask doesn't actually have to be connected to a cpap machine as I am very tired by the time I have gotten the mask adjusted and the monkey in bed (he likes to watch Leno). Also, a tip - I originally tried a gerbil in place of the hamster but I needed the larger size to properly hold the buckle in alignment. Also the gerbils are a little too fidgety. Hope this helps.

You guys are too hilarious!! I tried this stupid mask twice and this thing is a piece of ....!! I can't even believe they could get this past the drawing board and sell this junk.

Thanks for the humor, I needed it!

Sleeping with the Enemy

ROTFL! Laughing with tears in my eyes, thinking about all the $$$ I've spent on masks that didn't work...the Vista was one of 'em.

You're great story tellers, 2listless and happy hoser!