OT: Daily Funny bone

[Sleep2Die4]

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down!"

[Sleep2Die4]

[user from Singapore]

Sorry but I find your picture rather sad. Not funny at all

[user from Singapore]

John and his wife Mary were having a shower together in their upstairs bathroom when the doorbell rang. Mary heard the bell, got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around her, went downstairs, and opened the door.

Their neighbor Charlie looked at her from the doorway, and said, "Oh. I see that I got you out of the shower. Sorry about that."

"That's all right," Mary said, "What do you want?"

Not too much... my goodness you have beautiful skin. It's so pink from the shower. Mary, if I was to give you a hundred dollars, would you remove the towel from your upper body?"

Mary thought about it for a minute, figured why not, for a hundred bucks, and removed the towel from her breasts.

"Wow," Charlie exclaimed, "they are truly beautiful. Listen, for another hundred bucks would you consider taking the towel all the way off?"

"Why not," Mary thought, "that's a lot of money," and she dropped the towel completely to the floor.

Charlie had a good look, complimented her again on her fine looking body, reached into his pocket, took out two hundred dollars, gave it to her, and left.

As she got back up stairs and was getting back into the shower, John asked her who was at the door.

"Just Charlie," she said, as she started to rub his back.

"Charlie Eh," said John, "Did he give you the two hundred dollars he owed me?"

[user from Singapore]

The Talking Centipede


A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.



So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.



After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.



He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to church with him.


So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go
to church with me today?
We will have a good time."



But there was no answer
from his new pet.



This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going
to church with me
and receive blessings?"



But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.



The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last time.


This time he
put his face up against
the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go
to
church with me
and learn about God?"

This time,
a little voice
came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!

I'm putting my shoes on!"

[ChicagoGranny]

[lazer]

[chearyshe]

I've learned, Lazar.....I've learned! I no longer try to crush that silly ant that is crawling on my screen! DUH!

[mayondair]

 
COWBOY TOMBSTONE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah !
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? 

His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.
 

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
 

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
 

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 
 

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you. 
 

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you. 
 

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me. 
 

[chearyshe]

X Rated?
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.... Try to come up with the answer on your own.

However, the answer is at the bottom for those who are unable to think this one through.

Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.
The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing... What are they both thinking?








Don't look down!

[lazer]

X Rated?
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.... Try to come up with the answer on your own.

However, the answer is at the bottom for those who are unable to think this one through.

Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.
The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing... What are they both thinking?








Don't look down!

Lol! Reminds me of...

[chearyshe]

ROTFLMBFJAO! Surely not a self portrait!

[DiverCTHunter]

I've learned, Lazar.....I've learned! I no longer try to crush that silly ant that is crawling on my screen! DUH!

And here I just right-clicked it and selected "Block this Image"

[chearyshe]

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him.

She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So, she had an idea of how to handle it.

She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her own two kids anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.

Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?'

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

[ChicagoGranny]

chearyshe, That is cute!