Advice please re: DH denying sleep apnea

[monica4patience]

I could use some advice. I was finally dx in December with sleep apnea and the cpap is doing a great job. I have more energy and am sleeping better......except when I wake to DH's snoring, gasping, jerking, etc. I've told him I think he has sleep apnea. He has high blood pressure, low testosterone, and ED. He tells me to quit diagnosing him, I'm not a doctor. I've talked to my sleep doc about it. He says that since I'm so knowledgeable about it that I'm probably right. DH did talk to his doctor who said he wants to get his blood pressure controlled before doing anything else. My sleep doc says he'll never control the blood pressure without getting treated for sleep apnea.

So....I haven't slept well the last four nights. My routine has changed with the kids home from school for the summer. I'm getting to bed later than usual and am not asleep by the time DH comes to bed. Once he shuts off his light and lays on his back he starts snoring...and snorting...and snuffling...and gasping.....and jerking the bed so hard that I wake up if I ever had a chance to fall sleep in the first place. He's even started it when he's laying on his side. The last few nights I had to take a 2nd sleeping pill just to get some sleep.

I'm thinking of giving him an ultimatum: go for a sleep study or sleep in another bed!! I am sick of not getting the sleep I need. The lack of sleep affects my mood, my diet, my energy level, my ability to deal effectively with DS18 who has special needs.

Any advice from other sleepless spouses?

[Janknitz]

I have severe sleep apnea but if my poor DH had ever said ONE thing about it I would never have gotten tested and treated. I'm just totally stubborn that way--it has to be my idea or forget it. I think it's my control issues. I'm NOT proud of this, BTW.

Luckily my DH knows that and he never squeaked once. He slept on the couch most of TWO YEARS, and tried to put a positive spin on it by joking about what he had to do to pry the dog off the couch every night first, and buying ridiculously cute footy pj's so he could be warm enough. Is he a saint or what???? I love him so much, but I could NOT see that ignoring this was not a very loving act on my part (now that I realize it I am ashamed to my core ).

Your husband sounds like me, and the more you nag and evangalize for CPAP, the more he is going to push back. I think you will have to let it go, and hopefully he will come around to it on his own. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, and it's not a pleasant thought to stand by and watch his health suffer. I think it's analogous to an addict--often they have to hit "rock bottom" before they will seek help.

The good news is that when and if HE decides to seek treatment, he will be motivated to make it work. If he does it simply because you ask him, it will simply be too easy for him to find any excuse to fail, and as I'm sure you've learned, without motivation it is very difficult to acclimate to CPAP treatment.

[davelikesbeer]

I'm very surprised his doctor didn't want to diagnose his OSA. When I told my doctor about my sleep apnea symptoms, it became her number one priority to diagnose OSA and get my on CPAP.

Were I you, I'd buy an oximeter, and have him wear it for one night. If it does show low SpO2, there is a good chance he does have OSA, then print out the report along with some reputable web pages linking OSA to high blood pressure and ED (not sure about testosterone). Staple them all together and hand the pack to him.

[BleepingBeauty]

If you have (or can borrow) a video recorder, I'd use that at night. If not, an audio recording might do it. Let him see (and/or hear) the evidence in the morning. If he's aware of the snoring and the gasps/choking/struggling to breathe (and/or the apneas where he's not breathing at all), that might prompt him to get a sleep study.

Best of luck.

[Bright Choice]

If you have (or can borrow) a video recorder, I'd use that at night. If not, an audio recording might do it. Let him see (and/or hear) the evidence in the morning. If he's aware of the snoring and the gasps/choking/struggling to breathe (and/or the apneas where he's not breathing at all), that might prompt him to get a sleep study.

Best of luck.

Great suggestion BB. If either of you are an iPhone user there is a Resmed apnea app. It has a questionnaire re apnea and also allows you to record snoring sounds via your phone. I downloaded it and it is very basic but pretty neat. I have not tried the recording with my dh, who also is in denial. Just an idea.

[monica4patience]

Yes, I did record him one night. You could hear the snoring, silence, snorting, gasping, etc. He just laughed it off!

I regularly debate moving to another bed when he keeps me awake at night, but the thought of unplugging my cpap and carting everything and setting it all up again just seems like too much work!

[BlackSpinner]

Yes, I did record him one night. You could hear the snoring, silence, snorting, gasping, etc. He just laughed it off!

I regularly debate moving to another bed when he keeps me awake at night, but the thought of unplugging my cpap and carting everything and setting it all up again just seems like too much work!

A good swift hard kick will get him out of bed and moving to the couch. No reason for you to move, it is his problem.

[BleepingBeauty]

Yes, I did record him one night. You could hear the snoring, silence, snorting, gasping, etc. He just laughed it off!

I regularly debate moving to another bed when he keeps me awake at night, but the thought of unplugging my cpap and carting everything and setting it all up again just seems like too much work!

Well, some people just can't (or won't) see what's right in front of them. If I were you, I'd kick his butt out of bed.

My ability to sleep well is very important to me. (Hey, I don't even allow my pets to disturb my sleep, so there's no way in hell that a man would get away with it. )

[goldfinch]

I have a spouse that is not in the least bit interested in getting diagnosed with sleep apnea. I am not going to change him or convince him. But I did not have to sleep with him. I said I could not sleep with him because of his snoring and that he would have to sleep in another bed. He did. For several years.

He then lost some weight and the snorting and snoring was not as bad so we are sleeping together again most nights.

He also is not the least bit supportive of my apnea treatment and will not talk about it at all. He does not believe that I have sleep apnea and does not trust doctors . He had a bad experience with a doctor some years ago and that has colored his views. Because they are not rational views there is no rational argument to convince him otherwise.

For peace in the family I am silent about it and I get support for my apnea issues elsewhere. His problems may or may not shorten his life. But there are many things that may or may not shorten our lives. My husband will even lie to me about health issues. Rather than put him in the position where he will lie to me I do not discuss most health issues with him. You husband may not be upfront with you with what his doctor says.

[Otter]

Last week I discussed OSA with my dentist, and the hygienist must have overheard, because when it was her turn to poke around in my mouth, she started talking CPAP with me. She told me her husband had sleep apnea, and had been in denial for years. Then one day she was changing her shirt in good light, and he asked where she got all the bruises. He'd given them to her thrashing around when his airway closed up, and when she told him that, denial was over.

If you're not covered in bruises, this doesn't directly apply, but the principle may. My hygienist's husband snapped out of it when he realized he was hurting her. He could deny the harm he was doing to himself. Most of us are pretty good at that. But when he realized how his sleep disorder was affecting his wife, his mind flipped right over, and he couldn't begin treatment fast enough.

[mars]

Hi Monica

Reading through the following thread might give you some ideas on how to break through his denial.

viewtopic/t65456/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=50 ... 00#p466000

Good Luck

Mars

[BusyLyn]

DH did talk to his doctor who said he wants to get his blood pressure controlled before doing anything else. My sleep doc says he'll never control the blood pressure without getting treated for sleep apnea.

I've had high blood pressure since I was in my early thirties and it's always been non-trivial to control (my list of medication allergies and adverse reactions isn't for the faint of heart). My current primary care doctor finally ran out of ideas and referred me to a kidney specialist for help as body fluid volumes, which are regulated by the kidneys, are related to blood volume and the blood pressure in your arteries. Even though I didn't have the classic signs of tiredness, sleepiness and loud snoring, the kidney specialist insisted on sending me for a sleep study. Since I'm here writing this response, you know what the sleep study found.

I'm still on several medications to control my blood pressure, but at least it's finally under control and lower than it's been since I was a child, which is a very good start. I'm hoping that my body will finally heal enough so that some of the meds can be stopped, but at least no one's talking about adding any more.

Is there any way that you can ask your DH's doctor what he knows about sleep apnea and blood pressure?

[chunkyfrog]

You can contact his doctor directly. HIPAA may prevent the doc from telling you anything;
but you can tell his doctor about your concerns; and any evidence you can gather should be put in his file.
--my DH had to hear himself gasping on my cellphone to realize that he was apneic.
Of course, I was nearly in tears when I played it back for him.
I can play the 'what will I do without you?' card if I need to.