Dating w/ a CPAP?

[SleepingUgly]

I'm going to imagine that I am younger and single again (say early 30's, Brian's age). I'm putting myself in the position of someone who is dating a guy with apnea. Keep in mind that on the spectrum of tolerance for various disorders and impairments, I'm toward the more tolerant side. That said, I once had a guy tell me as soon as I'd met him that he'd had testicular cancer, and he went into a bit of detail about it. Admittedly I was only 17 and immature, but even thinking about it now, I think that's too much information when you first meet someone. When people first meet, it's important to establish a connection before you start unloading all your problems on them. Others may say that if someone doesn't want them the way they are, screw them, and would tell them right away. I argue that someone may very well accept you with all your problems, but that doesn't mean that a two-minute long relationship can handle hearing about all of them. There's an important difference there, and it's all about timing.

It's possible to have a physically intimate relationship with someone without spending the night on the first go around. And if someone is over at your place, in the same way that you would put your dirty underwear away and hide your hemorrhoid cream, you don't have to leave your mask and all your CPAP paraphernalia out for your first romantic encounter in the bedroom. Yes, you have may have apnea and hemorrhoids, but again, do they really need to know that in the first inning?

If it were me, I'd also want to hear about the apnea and the CPAP before seeing it in action. I wouldn't want to learn about it as the mask is being strapped on to my new infatuation's face. Obviously some partners, such as Rob's, may have handled that well (or maybe they handled it well because they knew it was a one-time thing?). I'm just imagining how I would like to learn about this if I were young and single.

I think significant impairments are important to discuss before the relationship has gotten too far along. For example, I think it's a bigger deal and more important for me to disclose that I'm pretty impaired due to EDS than that I use CPAP. But not right away unless I highly suspect it's going to be a deal breaker for that person, and in that case, I probably wouldn't date him in the first place.

[ResmedUser]

To me this whole entire question is a non issue. I need CPAP, I use CPAP. If it makes marks on my face, who cares. I suggest maybe trying high dose vitamin D supplements, keeping a tan, etc. to cover it up.

If that does not work, tell your date the mark on your forehead is the "mark of the beast" and you are an animal in bed. <wink>

Mikey

[Kahfree]

I never thought about it. If a person cares for you, then they wont care that you sleep with a machine. Many people who have other medical issues have dates and or successful relationships. People who are paralyzed have relationships. Those who are diabetic, have a fake leg, or arm, or eyeball. I think that there are people who are weird about things, but that is THEIR problem, not mine. I don't need shallow thinking people in my life anyway. Besides, this is a HUGE world and there are plenty of fish in the sea. ;0)

I dated a man once who had no fingers, just stubs. He was born like that, but embarrassed. When I met him (Blind date) his hand was in his pocket and his jacket over his wrist, as though he were carrying it while his hand was in his pocket. He tried to hide it all night long, and at one point, he slipped his hand out and I am sure for me to see. I bet he wanted a reaction. I said nothing. We continued to date for 3 months and it was NOT an issue. It was not the reason for the separate ways and never would have been for me.

[BlackSpinner]

In my teens I dated someone with epilepsy. This was in the 60's when the drugs to control it were still minimal. If some very uptight and not very empathic teen can handle a grand mal in a restaurant with grace then I really don't see why anyone else should freak out about a cpap machine. And if they do, and they can't handle the explanation, you can be absolutely sure that they don't have your well being anywhere near their heart and, really, this mama says, run as fast as you can from this "relationship".

[fatfeminist]

I take a pretty bold stance on the CPAP while dating situation. I have a personal ad on one of the big sites, and one of the pictures I have on my profile is actually a picture of me wearing the mask. Gets the issue out of the way from the start. A lot of people know what it is. Some don't, and ask. If they ask and then cease talking to me (or make it very clear they aren't interested), I know it freaked them out. their problem.

The first gent I dated after being on the machine (which I was single the first 2 years of use), knew about it, but I was still nervous when it came time for the first sleepover. but I just brought it over, set it all up, showed it to him, and that was that. there is plenty of space for whatever else you do in bed and CPAP. and I have been lucky enough that the first lad, and now a new lad, were both totally comfortable with things. in fact, one night I began to fall asleep without the mask on, new lad woke me up, told me to put the mask on, and then informed me he was going to call my doctor and tell him i was at 99.999% compliance now. cute.


I say just be open and honest about it, especially if you are someone who is eventually going to want to have sleepovers with a partner.

I think sleeping over sans cpap should not even be taken into consideration.

[SleepingUgly]

I have a lot more problems now than I did when I was single. At that time my main problem was EDS, which was not as significant as it later became, and I was on medication that better controlled it. But let's pretend that I had all the problems I have had now. I honestly feel that if I disclosed my long list of problems on a first date, even a SAINT would be overwhelmed by (1) the problems and (2) the inappropriateness of someone disclosing EVERYTHING immediately.

I think that having a CPAP that you sleep well with and solves all your problems is not a big deal, and therefore doesn't need to be disclosed immediately to someone with whom you have next to no relationship, although it can be (see Rob for example of how it can be). If you have a CPAP that does not solve your EDS and a myriad of other problems, and you're pretty impaired, that is a big deal, and that's too much to unload on a new relationship. Choose someone that seems likely to be able to handle it, but don't expect them to handle it all the first date. In short, it's not the CPAP that is the issue, but disclosing problems of a personal nature right off the bat.

I would honestly rather tell someone I sleep with a CPAP and function well than tell them that I can't work due to EDS and cognitive dysfunction. I would tell them when it seems appropriate and the first date is not a time for sharing all your problems with a stranger (again, if the CPAP is a solution to all your problems and you're completely unimpaired with it, then share if you, like Rob, want to). If there is no second date, I would bet that it's not because you use CPAP, but because you come across as someone who has poor boundaries.

That is just my opinion.

[brianrus]

I honestly feel that if I disclosed my long list of problems on a first date, even a SAINT would be overwhelmed by (1) the problems and (2) the inappropriateness of someone disclosing EVERYTHING immediately.

Absolutely agree. If anybody starting revealing everything that was "wrong" with them right off the bat, I'd run away fast!

And if someone is over at your place, in the same way that you would put your dirty underwear away and hide your hemorrhoid cream, you don't have to leave your mask and all your CPAP paraphernalia out for your first romantic encounter in the bedroom. Yes, you have may have apnea and hemorrhoids, but again, do they really need to know that in the first inning?

Cracked me up! I completely agree, if you're going out for the night and think there's a slight chance you may be entertaining a guest in the bedroom that night, do what you'd normally do to make your room look presentable. I usually put the equipment under the bed. Some would say it's being embarrassed about it and staying in denial, but like you said, everyone's got problems but there's no reason to put it all out there right away.