Blowing Up The Bird

mikemoran · Post by **mikemoran** » Tue Nov 22, 2005 9:14 am

Well its holiday time again and time to plan our big feast. Now unlike some wives who have to have the latest designer frock enhancing their wardrobe, my loving spouse is into designer foods. One year it was Tofurkey the next it was Tur-Duck-Hen and I couldn’t wait to see what the cutting edge trend was this year. I was really hoping it was going to be Pig-Steak-In but it turns out that pedigreed organic turkeys are all the rage.

So she headed off full speed on the information highway and found the perfect bird. It had a lineage longer than the royal family’s and it was guaranteed that its fore-feathers graced the table of Miles Standish. I balked at the cost of the bird but my wife reminded me of how much I spent on masks and I kind of had to give in. To avoid a second mortgage I had her do some more research and found I could get it at half price if we would finish raising it and do our own butchering.

Luckily for me, my old neighbor was an amateur butcher and well know poultry psychic. Where we live has a covenant against raising livestock and he discovered an amazing loophole. He named his “pet” chickens after the days of the week and sure enough each one of his fowls met their demise those very same days.

Well I thought naming the bird Thursday might be a little obvious so I decided on another approach. If the CPAP could do for gobbling what it did for snoring I could create the first “Stealth Turkey”. So I built a pen in the backyard and started working on the world’s first bill-pillow interface.

Surprisingly the mask and the hose were the easiest part of the whole plan. Where I ran into trouble was figuring out the titration for the bird. Let me just say that there is a good reason they don’t inflate a live bird for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. With a cover story about molting to explain all the feathers in the back yard I headed off to a local poultry farmer to cover up my mistake. A little paint, some doctored papers and the wife was none the wiser.

The results of my fowl therapy went way beyond expectations. Not only was the bird silent but the breast development was fantastic. Put some orange shorts and a tight tee shirt on this bird and it could have been drawing in big tips at the local wing and brew chain.

So now our future feast is off to the neighbors to be properly dressed for the holiday and I am in the midst of converting my oven into a CPAP convection wonder. I can’t wait to see it all brown and tempting as the centerpiece of our meal. Just picturing the juice running down it as I make the first slice has my mouth watering. The only downside is I’ll have to get used to the dog snoring again. There is no way I am going to get mask back on him once he sees me carving away at “Breezy”.

LDuyer · Post by **LDuyer** » Tue Nov 22, 2005 9:38 am

You've out done yourself, my friend.

I was good. Aside from the continuous belly chuckles from the very first word, all went smoothly, reading your story.

But it was when I got to the Macy's Day Parade turkey description when all Hell broke loose. I've got clothes and body parts strewn everywhere from laughing too hard. Even more were strewn after reading your glorious ending. You sure know how to build a story. Just when you think it can't get any funnier, it does, big time. I used this godawful word before in describing you, but it needs to be said again, this is quintessential mikemoran.

Bless you!

Linda
(who will print out this one also, to wow family members on Thanksgiving)

sir_cumference · Post by **sir_cumference** » Tue Nov 22, 2005 10:15 am

Mike - you really keep a smile on all our faces ... this board would be just that without you - board-ring (groan)

sir_c

Sleepless on LI · Post by **Sleepless on LI** » Tue Nov 22, 2005 10:32 am

Mike,
If you haven't already done this, I'd go back and do a search of all your stories and make a book out of them. They are hysterical and great food for the CPAP soul. Thank you again and again for always bringing a smile to so many.

Apneaat22 · Post by **Apneaat22** » Tue Nov 22, 2005 11:30 am

mikemoran wrote: “Stealth Turkey”.

Hahah thats awsome

One of these days people in my office are going to wonder what I am laughing at every day at lunch.

Adam

rested gal · Post by **rested gal** » Tue Nov 22, 2005 11:50 am

Perfect.

seanconnery · Post by **seanconnery** » Tue Nov 22, 2005 7:07 pm

Severeena · Post by **Severeena** » Tue Nov 22, 2005 7:22 pm

Mike I love the part about blowing up the bird in the Thanksgiving Day Parade and then calling his Stealth. Maybe the Military would like to commandeer the Stealth Turkey for further study.

chrisp · Post by **chrisp** » Tue Nov 22, 2005 7:53 pm

I laughed till i cried

What was the turkeys name again

:twis ted:

Roger... · Post by **Roger...** » Wed Nov 23, 2005 3:17 pm

Well Mike, Thursday hasn't arrived yet and there is still time to add some spice to the event.

On our side of the planet, we take a more Risqu'ee approach to the birds that dance around here. If your looking for ideas, consider some tanning approaches that have opened more than one mouth at the table:

By the way, her name was Shiela and she was joy to see dance.

peg · Post by **peg** » Wed Nov 23, 2005 3:22 pm

and I thought that the "Tur-Duck-Hen was another mikeisum!
silly me!
Someone here at work is having one tomorrow.
great story!!!!!!!!!!!!

mikemoran · Post by **mikemoran** » Wed Nov 23, 2005 4:29 pm

Can't take credit for the Tur-Duck-Hen. But that Beef stuffed porcine feast called the Pig-Steak-In is all mine LOL

Bonnie · Post by **Bonnie** » Thu Nov 24, 2005 9:14 pm

What fitting humor for the end of a great day.

Mike that story was a gem. I agree, you need to compile a book. One only to be shared with hoseheads, outsiders would not get the humor,

Roger......only in California

Mask

Blowing Up The Bird

Blowing Up The Bird

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