So depressed...

[MoonBear]

Have been ill a lot of my life, and have fought back with the help of work that I adore and a husband who is amazing. But I am so tired now, and now, I am now confronted with the horror pf this therapy.

I know horror is a strong word, but I am SO tired as it is. The thought of strapping something to my face that blows a blast of air at me at does not sound like I'm going to be LESS tired because for the therapy, but as an insomniac, MORE tired. I know I must sound awful, but I am finding more than difficult to find the energy and right mind to deal with all this. I am worn out I have delicate skin AND chemical sensitivities and asthma -- the smell of plastic is abhorrent to me.

I am being bone honest here. I have read glistening entries from newbies who have shown pluck and courage. I am, ironically, usually the person who inspires others, but in trying to find what DME too go to, what mask to choose, what machine to choose seems to be almost impossible. How do you all afford six or seven mask tries, even with the return policy? I cannot afford the surgery, and, for me, that would be far preferable to battling with a machine every night.

I have just come thrugh a 7 week period of illness because I got bronchitis and had an asthma storm. I am weak as a kitten, I NEED to reframe the way I am thinking about this, and hope you will write. I feel like my heart is broken now, and I lack courage, fortitude and patience let alone the will to do this. Help, please.

MoonBear

[Beachmeezer]

It is overwhelming in the beginning. I had to break it down into baby steps.

First was just learning to wear the mask for a few hours and finding the right mask. I had a horrible first mask experience but I just plowed through. Getting the right mask first and then learning to fall asleep with it on. Learning to fall back asleep with it on when I woke up with it on and a bit freaked out.

Once I started sleeping through the night more and more, then I focused on learning about my data and more about my machine. I visited here every day and learned tricks and tips like mask liners - that was the breakthrough for me and that might help with your smell of plastic issue.

You can also put a scent near the intake air filter on your machine. I did Vicks when I had a head cold - a little bit of smell goes along way.

Take baby steps! don't think you have to know everything and fix everything from the get go.

Kim

[Guest]

There's no easy way around it. This is the best treatment and it works exceedingly well for most people. If you have been found to have enough apnea to have insurance cover a machine IE 20 AHI or higher, then a CPAP will make a huge difference in your life.

Outside of drugs to get rid of the depression, there's not much advice here other than suck it up and do it. The plastic smell doesn't really exist. Just clean the stuff before you use it. There are children who get diagnosed with terminal cancer and people who live in hunger and fear all over the world. Don't get so down on yourself that you think you have it really tough. I used to volunteer and met people with children who were having brain surgery for cancer. Those parents had big issues. Learning to use a CPAP is not a big issue.

Should have you have serious depression, please see a doctor.

[SleepyT]

Have been ill a lot of my life, and have fought back with the help of work that I adore and a husband who is amazing. But I am so tired now, and now, I am now confronted with the horror pf this therapy.

I know horror is a strong word, but I am SO tired as it is. The thought of strapping something to my face that blows a blast of air at me at does not sound like I'm going to be LESS tired because for the therapy, but as an insomniac, MORE tired. I know I must sound awful, but I am finding more than difficult to find the energy and right mind to deal with all this. I am worn out I have delicate skin AND chemical sensitivities and asthma -- the smell of plastic is abhorrent to me.

I am being bone honest here. I have read glistening entries from newbies who have shown pluck and courage. I am, ironically, usually the person who inspires others, but in trying to find what DME too go to, what mask to choose, what machine to choose seems to be almost impossible. How do you all afford six or seven mask tries, even with the return policy? I cannot afford the surgery, and, for me, that would be far preferable to battling with a machine every night.

I have just come thrugh a 7 week period of illness because I got bronchitis and had an asthma storm. I am weak as a kitten, I NEED to reframe the way I am thinking about this, and hope you will write. I feel like my heart is broken now, and I lack courage, fortitude and patience let alone the will to do this. Help, please.

MoonBear

Well, sounds like this is going to be a tough road for you. You have so many "reasons" why this won't work. Your cons list is full...you're weak, you have asthma...you lack courage. How does your pros list look? You need to redirect your attitude to one of can do...and I want to survive. (and believe me, surgery should always be your last option....regardless of the type of surgery we're talking here.)

[robysue]

MoonBear,

I know it's overwhelming. That's how I've been feeling myself. I also understand the worries you're having as an insomniac. I have those myself. There are things you can do to help yourself learn how to adjust. Taking baby steps is one of the critical ones. Being really and truly pleased with yourself when you accomplish one of those baby steps is aonther. Posting here either to blow a little steam or ask for some specific ideas is another. And having reasonable short-term expectations of both yourself and the therapy is another.

I"ve only been doing CPAP for about a week and a half. Been fighting bedtime insomnia something awful most nights. But slowly things are beginning to get better. Yesterday and today, I merely felt mediocre instead of really awful. I am elated over this fact---particularly since I was not particularly tired during theday before I started on CPAP. If reading about somebody who has been facing and attempting to deal with some of the specific problems you're worried you'll have, you might want to look up some of my posts on adjusting to life with CPAP. Two of the threads are titled The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly because it really hasn't all been easy.

How long has it been since you got the diagnosis? When do you expect to get the machine? Do you know if it will be a full data machine?

Feel free to PM me if you're interested in my posts about adjusting to CPAP with insomnia and are having trouble finding them.

Best wishes for feeling better soon. And there's always the chance that as tired as you're already feeling, you may be one of the lucky ones who feel better very shortly after starting CPAP.

[Junebug999]

Dearest Moonbear -- you're having a tuff time hon....and don't be hard on yourself. I'm one of the newbies with pluck and courage, but only only because for me it is the way out to get my life back. My life had disintegrated until I can't drive a car because of being sleepy, gave up all my hobbies, haven't been taking care of myself or my family well for a long time. I hadn't written too much about how tired, exhausted...but I'm off work now because too exhausted to deal with the job, and if I make a mistake on that job, something really bad can happen, and then, I also felt depressed because...well....I felt like I was dying from exhaustion....one cell at a time.

And, yes, it's really been a hassle to learn how to get used to this mask...but if I can, anyone can. I had a childhood trauma that involved feeling smothered....I was actually was a crime victim when this was happening, and during my titration study it gave me that same same smothering feeling. But even with that, I knew there was no way out other than the mask, and by perservering with the mask, I'm at day five tonight, and AMAZED how the body adapts to it.

Also, while dealing with sleep doc in the box, and DME in the box, and arrogant R.T., it still is all doable. It's like this...."how to you eat an elephant?" "ONE bite at a time." And that's what you need to do. Don't worry about anything you don't have to. RANT and WHINE here when you need to (heck, I HAVE, and it's gotten me through the worst moments). Listen to the experienced people here who will give you great advice and point out BAD advice if they see it. And just take it one step at a time. And, be willing to take that ONE elephant bite at a time. AND, while you're doing all this, make it as COMfortable for yourself as you can. Heck, I bought new sheets, comforter yesterday just to treat myself to make night time as nice as possible. So, when you take that elephant bite, then check that off mentally.....so while I didn't know a DANGED thing about CPAP when I came here, after a bit I could check off:

1. Sleep study in freezing room (note to self to bring comfy WARM and COOL weather jams next time.)

2. Getting used to a MAN coming into my room at night (the sleep study people were so professional, so kind, it was like having dear friend helping me through the night even if it was a guy -- God bless them they were so professional and kind).

3. Calling insurance company and having to call five numbers to find out no one really knows much except "go to the DME."

4. Getting courage to ask for all reports, sleep studies JUST because experienced people here said to.

5. Learning to do a lot of things that experienced people here said to. (So far they've not been wrong yet!).

6. Sleep titration study (warm room this time, glad I prepared, and glad I had bottled water AND chapstick with me).

7. Call sleep doc in box office because so tired, stressed had chest pain and dizziness AND had tried to doze that morning on freeway. Called doc's office begging for cancellation appointment and sleep doc in box office person said, "ah yeah, sure.".....but they never called me.

8. Dealing with lying arrogant DME who told me my Intellipap AUTO could not collect data, and besides that info was only for clinicians and anyone providing me with info how to collect data was WRONG. (I stayed cool and calm because I had this website to come back and pour out my RANT.)

9. Survied first night with mask...and second...and now a thunderstorm and tummy flu TOO.

So that's what I've checked off so far, BUT not because this is where I have to go, BUT because this is where I CHOOSE to go. I CHOOSE to bite off this elephant one bite at a time....baby bites even at times because with this CHOICE I get my life back, my health, my job, taking better care of me and my family, my hobbies,

AND, you can too. Be good to yourself, but don't let yourself get too far down that you can't climb out. You can turn this around. There was a day when I thought CPAP was the WORST thing that I might have to go through (ridiculous to think that when I have a friend going through chemotherapy and another friend whose 4 year old grandson has brain cancer)....but now I think CPAP may just be the BEST BEST thing that has happened to me.

It's for you, your family, your friends who love you.....plus you get to make new friends here.

And, also look at the spiritual aspect of this. Praying to my Father has been very helpful at times to calm me during getting used to the mask. Ask people to pray for you. That's very helpful. And continue looking at posts from people on here who struggle, and get better. They are so encouraging! We had a good report from Robysue just this morning!

You are in my prayers..... Blessings, Junebug

[cflame1]

And don't let the asthma stop you... I've got it as well, and the thing that helps me the most... is to just breathe the air from my machine.

[brazospearl]

MoonBear, bless your heart! It is tough for some of us to mentally adjust to the thought of sleeping with something strapped to our faces; this is an abnormal activity that goes against our basic instincts. Once you overcome the thought of doing that it gets much easier. Some things to consider: your health is going to improve, and not just in ways you won't notice. Your asthma, skin issues, and chemical sensitivities will all be more manageable, probably to a dramatic degree. And the depression will be more easily resolved as well. Many of us have been EXACTLY where you are, and we can assure you the it gets better.

Effective cpap therapy is kinda pricey to begin, but it's money well spent in the long run. How do we afford to try so many masks? Well, the manufacturers have a 30-day return policy, so you can trade them out until you find the right one. Or you can shop online because it's amazing what you can find. Learn about the different kinds of masks and the lab rat fixes so you have a good starting point, then analyze your data and go from there. Also, do the math before you sign anything--sometimes it's less expensive to pay out of pocket than to use insurance; and keep in mind that the people on this forum know more about getting effective therapy than the medical people at any doctor's office or brick-and-mortar DME. Read everything you can (I know, it's hard when you're exhausted!) and ask us anything. We'll help you every step of the way. NOTHING you are feeling is new. Others here have been exactly where you are. The most important thing you need to do now is realize that this is going to improve your life in ways you've never imagined. You CAN do this, and we'll help every way we can.

[elena88]

Have been ill a lot of my life, and have fought back with the help of work that I adore and a husband who is amazing. But I am so tired now, and now, I am now confronted with the horror pf this therapy.

I know horror is a strong word, but I am SO tired as it is. The thought of strapping something to my face that blows a blast of air at me at does not sound like I'm going to be LESS tired because for the therapy, but as an insomniac, MORE tired. I know I must sound awful, but I am finding more than difficult to find the energy and right mind to deal with all this. I am worn out I have delicate skin AND chemical sensitivities and asthma -- the smell of plastic is abhorrent to me.

I am being bone honest here. I have read glistening entries from newbies who have shown pluck and courage. I am, ironically, usually the person who inspires others, but in trying to find what DME too go to, what mask to choose, what machine to choose seems to be almost impossible. How do you all afford six or seven mask tries, even with the return policy? I cannot afford the surgery, and, for me, that would be far preferable to battling with a machine every night.

I have just come thrugh a 7 week period of illness because I got bronchitis and had an asthma storm. I am weak as a kitten, I NEED to reframe the way I am thinking about this, and hope you will write. I feel like my heart is broken now, and I lack courage, fortitude and patience let alone the will to do this. Help, please.

MoonBear

Now hold on a minute there to your "depressed horse team" as you may not have to let them out of the barn just yet..
This can be not as rough as you might think..
Here is what I would do if I could do everything all over again from scratch..
I would get a copy of my sleep study, I would find out if I slept in all positions during rem in the study.
I would make sure I got an auto machine, like a resmed s nine autoset, its super easy to download your information or just check it on the screen
in the morning.. just get an auto, no matter what get an auto, you can run it in cpap straight pressure, or a range of pressures..
Try a nose pillow mask.. the swift fx is awesome, super soft rubber, its like wearing nothing..
if you leak from your mouth, you can tape it with super band sports tape, its perfect for sensitive skin, and I should know i have dermographism..
cut a little hole in the tape a quarter inch long so ou can burp or cough.. soon you will train youself to keep your mouth shut.
Dont change a bunch of stuff in your sleep schedule or routine when you bring home the machine, just set on your nightstand.. you can
get a pretty long scarf to cover it too, if that helps, I did..
When you first get your machine, wear it during the day for an hour while watching tv before you try to sleep with it..
When you do sleep with it, increase an hour each night if you can, or go at your own pace, this is not a race.
If you end up having to wear a full face mask get some fluffy straps for it..
padacheek.com or strapsofties.com
Wait till you are over your bronchitis before you try to wear your gear, coughing your brains out and trying to get used to this is not a good recipe for
success..
Call around to some different dme's and talk to them..
Make sure you doctor writes our prescription for an auto.. if you have a history of lung ailments, which you do, youre going to need a machine that
can adjust to you breath by breath all night.. and I will tell you a straight cpap does NOT do that.. and it seems that is one of your fears, so just
knock that one right off the list and get an auto..
The strapping business... well, if you get a swift fx, just click on my icon and take a look at that puppy.. cross another fear off our list, this is not
strapping on, its popping it on and off, as they say its as close to being naked as you can get..

So, thats what I would do.. I would find the best DME, which I have now, he matches internet prices for cash purchases, I would start of with an autoset,
I would start of with the swift fx mask, and I would make damn sure I had documentation on sleeping on all positions in my sleep study..
YOu maybe servere on you back, and not on your side! This maybe a lot easier than you think.. if you start off knowing what a lot of us didnt know
in the beginning.. .. PRINT SOME of these tips and study them... youre going to be okay.. everyone here will make sure of that.. just have
some faith, that its going to work so you can have a good start..

p.s. Until you get our machine, sleep on your tummy or sides, if your apnea is positional, that will help you feel better now..

and just stick around and keep reading and asking questions, you wont feel so overwelmed the more information you have.. youll feel
enpowered instead of depressed..

[carbonman]

Ode to a newbie: How easy it is.

I wish I could tell you how easy it is.
I put on the mask, I hit the blue light,
I'm adrift in the night.

It did'nt come easy you know,
in fact it was a fright.
The straps and that mask,
....and....damn those blue lights,

I screamed and swore,
and cried out in the night,
"Why me? Why me?"
This just isn't right.

Out of thin air, through the ethernet,
came a glimmer of hope, as I cried out my plight,
"..please, don't spook me, don't scare me,
I just want to sleep through the night."

My questions were answered,
my mind put at ease.
We're here to help you,
all you got'a do....
is believe.

So, I listened and learned.
I chin strapped and glued,
and sealed up the holes.
I had tender, scraped nares
and a bruised, bleeding nose.

Night after night, I begged for relief.
"Please, please...give me back my life!"
Then one morning, just after first light,
a release from the pain, the fatigue,
just ever so slight.

Now.....it's just that easy.
I put on the mask, I hit the blue light,
I have a new life.

[Muse-Inc]

MoonBear, maybe you'll be as lucky as I was in the beginning. I stopped my usual 8-10 pee trips every night on night 1 -- what a relief that was! I got the same mask they used in my sleep study -- it worked then and I figured since it was relatively small and didn't feel too weird, I'd start with it. I used my ramp feature -- that's where it starts out at a low pressure and gradually increases to your therapy pressure...a time you typically select (I used 45 minutes for several weeks). In about 3-4 weeks, my bone-weary exhaution turned into plain old tired and my mood began to improve. My first 4 nights were a big challenge but on night 5 I slept 9 hrs without waking up.

I wish you good beginnings. You've found a great place to come for info, to learn, to ask questions, and to vent frustrations -- we've been there and got the t-shirt too. Welcome!

[chunkyfrog]

It's not really as bad as I expected, either.
The morning after the sleep study, I had a bad tummy ache and my chest wall hurt from breathing more deeply than I was used to.
I still swallow air once in a time; my body has adapted--I expel the excess air by burping or later (a touch of juvenile comedy)
I have learned to let the machine help me breathe; and my morning headaches disappeared right away.
It seems odd to be tethered to a machine while sleeping--sort of futuristic.
But this is now--it's amazing, wonderful; I am so grateful to be alive in this time.

[sleeplessinaz]

MoonBear----I know how you feel---we all had the same feelings as you do right now. You are not alone in this---we are all here for you. I did try 6 or 7 masks myself and lucky for me--I have really good insurance where my husband works and I don't have to pay anything for the mask or machines etc. I first got fitted with a F & P Nasal mask. I got home from the 1st sleep study in tears ---thinking there has GOT to be a better way than this!!!! The mask did not fit well, it leaked and it felt HUGE on my face, the staps were on my forehead, it was a mess. It was just trial and error on my part-----to find the holy grail of masks. Keep trudging forward---it will seem like you are walking in slow motion at first but you will get there--:) Once you get treated and get some sleep your depression will fade away as you start feeling better. hang on!

Carrie

[kteague]

MoonBear, it seems you are in a just awful place. As hard as that is, it just may be the best position to start this treatment. No energy to fight it and try to get out of it. Just a desperate need to feel better - whatever it takes. That's where I was, I truly believed then and now it was my last chance to get off the downhill runaway train that had been my life for so many years. The only place to go was either death or recovery. I was immensely relieved that all I needed was a hose blowing air to get better. When I had little heart for hope, I leaned on the confidence of those here who had walked this path before. When I couldn't think thru the much information before me, I allowed others here to give me the information in bits and pieces as I needed them. I didn't have to understand it all, just operated on an as-needed basis. Yes, you sound like you are in a very good place to grab hold of this treatment and suck the life giving air of it with every ounce of your being. This will probably nothing compared to what you've already been thru. Have your pity party. Have your fit. Then do what you have do and be glad for what some consider a blessing, a non-invasive non-pharmaceutical solution of - AIR. You may not see it yet, but you've just dodged a bullet. And entered a community of some pretty neat people. I'd venture to say some day in the future you'll log on here to share with some struggling newbie "how I got over". Hope that day comes soon for you.
Kathy

[Janknitz]

I started CPAP coming off my worst bout of asthmatic bronchitis yet. My O2 sats were so low that when they saw the results of my pulmonary function test on top of my sleep test, they wouldn't let me leave the testing room without a machine. I wanted nothing to do with it.

I wish I could tell you that it was easy and I took to CPAP like a duck to water, but it was tough and hard work to get acclimated to this thing. But I knew that I wasn't able to live much longer in the state I was in, so it was time to give something a try.

CPAP will HELP your asthma and bronchitis to get better and keep your lungs in better shape. Make sure that you are getting good asthma care, as well. My HMO provided one on one asthma consultation with a very good respiratory therapist. We got my meds adjusted, and the CPAP helps me keep my lungs clear.

I had every excuse in the book as to why CPAP wasn't going to work for me, but it did. Keep an open mind and try, try, try. You'll be glad you did.