Dear Apney – Advice for the Hose-Worn

mikemoran · Post by **mikemoran** » Sat Oct 22, 2005 6:46 am

Dear Apney,
My husband Earl was recently diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apnea and has started his therapy. It has done him a world of good and I truly don’t miss being vibrated out of bed from his nightly thunder. My problem is he now has way too much energy and he loves to start doing things early in morning. During the week this is fine but I truly miss being able to sleep in on the weekends. What can I do to get my beauty rest back?

Near the Break of Dawn

Dear Dawn,
My best suggestion is you glue cat toys to his mask. On Friday night just discretely leave the bedroom door open to let the cat join you. I guarantee he’ll want to sleep as much as you the next morning.

Dear Apney,
I have never felt better in my life since I started hosing up. No more dozing at the wheel and it has improved my other drives as well. Every morning I am raring to go and can’t wait to greet my day. Now if I could only get my wife to go along. Can’t seem to get her moving in the mornings and there is so much we could enjoy together. What can I do to rouse my lovely sleepyhead?

Dawn’s Earlie Light,

Dear Earlie,
Buy your wife a cat.

Dear Apney,
I am a restless sleeper and the more I move the more my mask leaks. Do you have any suggestions for a good mask?

Leaky in Muskegee

Dear Leaky,
Have to get on my soapbox for this one. DME’s employ trained professionals that know what you need more than you do. I am sure they fitted you with the best interface available to give you the maximum benefit from your therapy. Who are you to ignore their couple of hours of training to develop this skill? Did you watch the latest promotional DVD from the manufacturer’s on their latest overstocked products? I really can’t understand why people don’t realize tried and true is their best course.

I can tell you are new this and can be forgiving for a beginner’s mistake. Never change out the mask you were painstakingly fitted for. Instead head right down to your local hardware store and get some truck ties. Your wife can help strap you down to the bed and this will cure your restlessness.

Dear Apney,
After my Sleep Study I was given a CPAP set at a pressure of 13. I have been compliant but my wife says I still snore sometimes and I feel lousy in the mornings. My friend lent me his clinician’s manual and I want to re-set my pressure to a more effective level. What should I set it at to get my AHI down?

Burgeoning Balloonhead

Dear Burgeoning,
I am so glad that you came to me before you committed the crime of self-tritration. Before reading further I want you to go right now and report your friend to the police for his illegal activities and possession of classified medical documentation. Now sit down and think about what you almost did.

Your insurance company spent big dollars for your study in the lab. Millions in research was spent to develop the perfect sleeping environment. Take a cue from them and outfit your bedroom appropriately. Some speaker wire, crazy glue and plastic sheets and soon you will be sleeping the way you did in the lab and your prescribed pressure will work for you.

jcobb607 · Post by **jcobb607** » Sat Oct 22, 2005 6:50 am

Dadgum MM, Its WAAAAY To early in the morning to be cleaning coffee off the monitor! Good stuff.

wading thru the muck! · Post by **wading thru the muck!** » Sat Oct 22, 2005 7:00 am

Hey Mike,

Very funny! but "Apney" needs to get herself a good liability lawyer to right an air tight disclaimer. Some folks just won't get it.

Note actual cpap users:
Though Mikes "Dear Apney" column is presented as humor, we all know it rings true... that's the secret to why it's funny.

regisb50 · Post by **regisb50** » Sat Oct 22, 2005 7:38 am

Dear Apney,

I recently replaced my old unit. I have a bunch of old masks, tubes, unheated humidifier and a long black velcro thing to tie your mouth shut. Can I recycle these? The old CPAP unit sounds like a vacuum cleaner, and the masks have a charming habit of burping on every breath.

I was thinking that some third world sleep study center could use the equipment.

Sleepless on LI · Post by **Sleepless on LI** » Sat Oct 22, 2005 7:57 am

I just want to let everyone know, I've contacted Dr. Freud and he is on his way to mikemoran's home as we speak. He doesn't normally makes housecalls, but he is making an exception in this case. He said it's very possible he has been either using way too high a pressure and it's doing some very complex things to his brain matter or he could perhaps be putting something in the water of his heated humidifier that could be doing this to him. And then there is the off chance his wife is doing something "fishy" to get to his huge bank account since she has already gotten him to sign a Power of Attorney and Living Will just in case he is no longer of sound mind. We are all beginning to see that it is a strong possibility. Hopefully the good doctor will update us after his consult and let us know his findings. Until then, please bear with mike as he is in a very delicate and possibly explosive state at the moment.

Mike, all our thoughts and prayers are with you for a speedy recovery.

mikemoran · Post by **mikemoran** » Sat Oct 22, 2005 8:31 am

Dear regisb.
Third world countries are already overwhelmed with the distribution problem associated with all those unfinished meals mothers keep sending them. I suggest you start a little closer to home. I suggest you head downtown and visit a few alleys. No reason the homless should be sleepless too. Besides after a few hours in some masks it might just scare them sober.

Dear Sleepless,
That Mike Moran sounds like a menace to society. My recommendation is he wshould be locked up right away. A good rubber room with some thorazin and nightly AeroTherapy would do him a world of good.

Sleepless on LI · Post by **Sleepless on LI** » Sat Oct 22, 2005 8:47 am

mikemoran wrote:Dear Sleepless,
That Mike Moran sounds like a menace to society. My recommendation is he wshould be locked up right away. A good rubber room with some thorazin and nightly AeroTherapy would do him a world of good.

Sounds like it might do me some good, too. May I join him???

ozij · Post by **ozij** » Sat Oct 22, 2005 10:30 am

Mike - sorry, Dear Apney - has finally solved the mystery of those incorrect titrations:

Some speaker wire, crazy glue and plastic sheets and soon you will be sleeping the way you did in the lab and your prescribed pressure will work for you.

O.

Priorbeme · Post by **Priorbeme** » Tue Mar 31, 2009 6:19 am

do not understand