trouble with sleeping with partner

[Imacpaper]

Kook, I've been on cpap for about a month now and want to let you know that your not alone in the struggle with adjusting to the whole mask/machine thing.

To add to our situation we have a 8 month old who is sleeping in our room who is still nursing and is teething. My wife asked me to sleep in another room just until I figure out my side of things and then I could return. I was keeping her up with adjusting the leaking mask, rolling around trying to get comfy and such. Since the baby has been keeping her awake I didn't want to take away from any sleep she was getting so I moved out of the room for now. Talking about sexy, my wife is getting more sleep, I'm getting more sleep and I've had several invites to "visit" her.(absence makes the heart fonder)

If your fiance needs time to adjust then I think that is reasonable.If it is something deeper the she is having a problem with who you are, you are a person with sleep apnea....period. I think that the responses here reflex the personal nature this issue.

I've been married 22 years, we both have gone through physical changes, other health issues, several stillbirths and other various events. We've taken life one step at a time and I love her more and deeper as we face valley in life. I can't imagine thinking about starting a life with someone who isn't willing to face the "Worse" in "Better and in Worse", because I can guarantee that there is going to be worse things in life and is she the one to go through them with.

Just something to think about.

[Disneymama]

I'm trying to look at things from the fiance's point of view and with a lot of information missing, I can kind of imagine what she's thinking. There is nothing sexy/romantic about the mask and depending on what point you are in your life or relationship, something like that can greatly how you feel about the situation. I've been married for 10 years and on the hose for 2 weeks. We're at the point where we've been through bad stuff, he's seen me suffer in pain (not in silence) and we're both glad to have an effective, if not inconvenient, treatment.

Had we been faced with this earlier in our relationship, it probably would have been a bigger deal. When your starting your life together, you want it to be perfect. You feel like you're on top of the world, in love and invincible. To have you or your partner have such an obvious weakness is... unsettling. It's not something you can hide because it's so plainly there, making noise and perching unattractively over at least part of your face a barrier to the intimacy we expect when in the full throws of romantic love.

But marriage is eye opening. It's time to grow up and face real life in sickness and health. Without a doubt, my first year of marriage was the hardest year of my life. There were a lot sacrafices that have to be made as you try to meld two different lives together.

Kook, I think if I were in your shoes, I'd have a serious heart to heart with her and say, "Look, I need this machine to be 'in health'. If I don't have it, be prepared to spend most of our lives together 'in sickness' and 'death will probably do us part' a lot earlier than expected." If she can't handle that, then don't bother to say the words. If you're going to talk the talk, walk the walk.

Good luck to both of you in whatever path your journey leads.

[scrapper]

WOW........I've learned a lot about all of you on this thread.........

I am so impressed with the people on this board.......standing up for their morals, or lack thereof.....in kind, respectful ways.......

In joining the circus, I only wish I had a spouse to work through all of the issues with--my own died suddenly 8 years ago, leaving me with a teen and a preteen to raise alone........but I don't consider cpap really "an Issue".

Maybe Santa will be bringing that new partner for me tonight..... wouldn't my kids be surprised??!!?? I am ready though (so now I've stooped to the level of too much information.....must come from reading this thread.)

[LinkC]

I hear Tiger's looking for replacements...

[scrapper]

Sorry........way too much good stuff inside for Tiger or any man of his "caliber", and also too much outside also being a "sturdy" woman of German heritage. Also, I'm not blonde....plus I have way too much class for that guy!

[BlackSpinner]

Maybe Santa will be bringing that new partner for me tonight..... wouldn't my kids be surprised??!!?? I am ready though (so now I've stooped to the level of too much information.....must come from reading this thread.)

Yes cpap therapy will do this. I am re- thinking my choice of celibacy too. The working out of a relationship just don't seem to be as time consuming now that the sap is starting to flow again.

[gasp]

Wow, freaking out over a stupid mask.

20 Years ago, the ginaormous CCPD Dialysis cycler showed up in my bedroom. Wasn't it a beauty??

Every 3 hours, "Chug-Chug-Chug-Chug-Chug-Chug-" Click-Click. Or, if I rolled over on my catheter, the alarms would ring. But he never slept in the other room. Lucky for me, I was able to get a transplant 1 1/2 years later. But the drugs I had to take, and some I must continue to take damaged my body. (Hello Prednisone ).

It was not until I developed sleep apnea, bad snoring, reflux from the apnea, and asthma did he have to start sleeping in the other room. With the kicking, twitching, snoring, etc, he could not sleep. After being together 26 years sleeping together, it was very difficult for me.

I finally went in for the Sleep Study, got my APAP 3 months ago, and no longer snore, have reflux, twitch around, etc. The mask doesn't even bother him at all, and he never even made the Darth Vader references.
- - - - - -
Yes, I'd really be worried about such a reaction at an early stage of the relationship. In my experience, it is men that are usually pigs about superficial appearances. Obviously I am wrong about that.

Wow - and I'm sooooo glad you were able to get a transplant! I have a nephew that is so young and on dialysis and will never qualify for a transplant due to severe diabetes. I'm also very glad you are on APAP - do you feel more rested now? It took me about 3 months.

[Muse-Inc]

...nephew that is so young and on dialysis and will never qualify for a transplant due to severe diabetes...

Might investigate asking for a pancreas and kidney transplant...shazamm, no more diabetes. Read several articles on this. It is not commonly performed.

[gasp]

...nephew that is so young and on dialysis and will never qualify for a transplant due to severe diabetes...

Might investigate asking for a pancreas and kidney transplant...shazamm, no more diabetes. Read several articles on this. It is not commonly performed.

Wow, now that would be something!

[soxfan426]

I sleep at my girlfriends house maybe twice a week and I would always wake up to find she had moved to the couch during the night because of my snoring. She is also the one who told me i stopped breathing sometimes at night. I did not want to put the mask on in front of her or stay over since getting the machine but she has been very supportive. I have only been on it for a week but she told me what a difference it is sleeping with me now. No more snoring and she does not worry about my breathing. Having her support is very important to me and important for the relationship.

[gasp]

I sleep at my girlfriends house maybe twice a week and I would always wake up to find she had moved to the couch during the night because of my snoring. She is also the one who told me i stopped breathing sometimes at night. I did not want to put the mask on in front of her or stay over since getting the machine but she has been very supportive. I have only been on it for a week but she told me what a difference it is sleeping with me now. No more snoring and she does not worry about my breathing. Having her support is very important to me and important for the relationship.

I'm so glad your girlfriend was there to let you know that you stopped breathing at night! I snored for a long time and it wasn't until my husband said I stopped breathing that I took it seriously. I should have had the sleep study to relieve him from hearing my snoring : )

[tillymarigold_]

Mac33 wrote:... Do you guys know what romance and sexuality is? ...

Probably wrong choice of words but CPAP is just not sexy no matter how we spin it on here. This wasn't meant to offend anyone but bring light to a very real problem. My girlfriend was very supportive and knows all about family health problems but she was taken aback first time she saw me sleeping with the mask on. As close as we are I felt I lost my masculinity when I first started using CPAP. That's why compliance rates are only about 50% if that.
For a young couple this can be a game changer and with divorce rates so high this doesn't help a relationship.

Doesn't HELP a relationship? Are you crazy? CPAP SAVED my relationship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was 28 and had been married 2 years when I was diagnosed and my husband was on the verge of leaving me. I was sleeping 11-12 hours a day and spending 9 at work ... which meant I was doing nothing around the house. And I was exhausted all the time, which meant that I spent half of our few hours together yelling at him and the other half crying. Both of us spent all our time trying to decide if we should even bother to keep trying or not.

I've been on CPAP for three years and our relationship now is AMAZING. Now that I'm able to have a relationship with something other than my pillow. My husband tells people, often, that CPAP is the best thing that ever happened to our relationship.

[RedBackFur]

I was asked if I sleep much better on my APAP, and it is a resounding yes. I just got back from the "middle of nowhere" mountains this evening. Was in a Cabin, of the grid. It was a bit difficult. Their power (from solar!) was only modified-Sine wave, so I couldn't use the heat on the humidifier. And the smoke from the wood stove made me cough. I finally put hot water in the humidifier and that would help for maybe an hour. That and the constantly deflating air mattress made it a challenge as we would roll into the "V" shape and my mask would end up on my ear sometimes. But worth the trouble. When I say middle of no where, this is where I was:
http://maps.google.com/?q=40.4470000000 ... =UTF8&z=16

[montana user]

I cant really give any advice on this issue, I just wanted to say I am so thankful my girlfriend understands! She is always the first one to make sure my CPAP is packed when going on a trip! I used to apologize for the small hum the machine would make and she said " Nope. I love it. It means you are breathing all night and will be around this world longer"

Now she is very well educated in sleep apnea, and I think education like some of the other people stated is a great idea. If she truly loves you, she will work with you. We sleep in the same bed. We talk, cuddle, then turn off the lights, and my mask goes on. you can still have a normal ( I say even better) life with CPAP!

[Wrenna]

My husband is grateful for the cpap and mask! So am I, it's made sleeping together a gazillon times better which in turn improved our relationship. Sure, it took a bit to adjust and to learn how to cuddle without him pulling the hose or my jetting cold air on him. A king-sized bed does help (alot) when we're not cuddling. I also go to bed first so I can adjust and fiddle with the mask while he's getting ready. It's improved the 'below the waist' aspect of our relationship too. Partly because I have more energy, partly because I'm not taking an assortment of 'happy' pills everyday, and partly because we're not waiting until bedtime anymore. He always checks that I have my machine and mask before we go on a trip.
In fact hubby was so pleased with the whole cpap thing that he told his mother about the cpap and they convinced his dad to go in for a sleep study, so now my fil has one and my mil is very happy! So Imo, cpaps improve relationships! (or at least marriages)

That said, I do remember that it was hard to learn to sleep next to someone at the beginning of the relationship. And that it can be tricky to adjust to a cpap and we tend to be twitchy while we're doing it. I found it hard to fuss with it the way I want if I know he's trying to fall asleep next to me. So you might try either offsetting your sleep times a bit or accepting a brief separation as you adjust. The lack of snoring and twitching should help convince her!

From reading in the forum, it does seem like some people don't quite understand that apnea is a real and serious issue. I don't get that, but I can't deny that some people just don't believe in certain illnesses and can be very resistant to sympathizing with the symptoms. If she's having trouble with apnea as a 'medical thing' then hopefully an improvement in your energy and the lack of snoring will help change her mind, scientific data of your sleep study might help too. If she's having trouble with being understanding and sympathizing with you not feeling well and being tired even when she is tired from you snoring... well that's not so good, you know?
Not to be mean, but the vows do say 'in sickness and in health'.