trouble with sleeping with partner

[JohnBFisher]

... Probably wrong choice of words but CPAP is just not sexy no matter how we spin it on here. ...

Oh, I definitely agree with that. It's not fun. It can be "off putting". I do not try to downplay that. And your point is well made. We need to see all the different points of view - not just through our eyes, where we know how important xPAP thereapy is to us.

As I noted before, a strong relationship should go beyond that really quickly. But that's not your point. You seem to agree, just want us to remember how hard this makes it on everyone:

... There are at least 4 co-workers who I know have severe sleep apnea and ... suffered from heart attacks, have stents and high blood pressure, diabetes, ... and would rather suffer the consequences. ...

[Autopapdude]

Very hard line on this one: If you had a prosthetic leg and your fiancee freaked, would you refuse to wear it, so as to please her? Or, lets say she's displeased with you taking Insulin for Diabetes? She doesn't like to watch you "shooting up" with a needle to take that Insulin-it "freaks her out!" I'd say flat out that this is a significant warning of a major relationship issue that needs to be resolved, before continuing with any sort of commitment. I'd flat out say " If you LOVE me, then you better get used to my xpap, or perhaps we're not meant to be together." Forget the "where do we sleep in whose" bedroom" issue--there is a bigger issue. If someone is freaked out by a treated "life necessity" medical condition, how is she going to be when you get older and may have more serious medical issues. My advice--run fast the other way!

[gasp]

I have had my CPAP machine for about a month and my Fiance is "freaked out" by me wearing a mask to bed. We are now sleeping in separate bedrooms. I tried to explain to her that the noise is minimal and I would not put the mask on while the lights are on. This is causing a problem with our relationship and I am hoping that someone might have had this issue and worked it out.

I am not even as reasonable as you. If I had a fiance who was acting like that, I would get out the luggage and pay for their first night in a hotel room and begin making separate living arrangements if they lived with me. Hope you're not planning on having children. Imagine how much she will freak the first time the child vomits all over her, or worse yet you go into the child's room in the morning and they had a play date with their dirty diaper. As I type this I'm feeling like I'm being a bit brutal, but BEFORE marriage is the time to know what you want to commit to your entire life. It's completely up to you how you want to live, how you want to be loved, and the level of intimacy you want/need.

My husband can't touch a litter box or clean up nastiness. I knew that before I married him. However, once when I was really, really, sick he completely took care of me and himself as it made himself sick doing so. What a guy : )
EDIT
OK, after reading all the posts, which I should have done before posting, I feel like I was a little harsh. Can't tell it pushed my button can you : )

Since you let us know that you sleep in separate bedrooms it was probably important to you. I should have asked if this was OK with you and how much it impacted you. It impacted me and by the responses maybe more than just me. Separation to resolve relationship issues may work for some, but I haven't seen it yet. I did read the posts here that eluded to it working for them. Anyway, best wishes and I hope that everything goes how you want it to. Keep up the therapy, your health is too important. And, thanks for sharing.

[araminta]

I think that starting to wear a mask at night is a difficult process for most of us.

My hunch is that when someone has such an emotional reaction to this kind of situation that it's possible that the actual root of the "pain" is more than superficial. I'd recommend seeking the help of a couple's counselor who might facilitate better understanding of the complex feelings your fiance is experiencing -- but perhaps is unable to articulate in a direct manner.

my $.02 worth.

[WearyOne]

Indeed, many of us believe that sexuality is best exercised in the context of a no-BS permanent commitment, and not just short-term passion.

TWW, Thanks for saying it.

Yes, thanks for saying it!

My first thoughts were: What's wrong with sleeping in separate beds or rooms? Why would she have a problem with it; at least she doesn't have to wear it and, more importantly, it's probably saving your life.

But as I read more posts, I realized that there may be some legitimate reasons she has a problem with it (not just a selfish I-don't-like-it reason), reasons that could be overcome if they were talked out and she truly knew this is not only a device that helps you feel better, but it could save your life. If it's just an issue where she literally can't sleep because of the noise or the air blowing on her, etc., then sleeping in separate rooms, people can get used to that if they're deeply committed to each other. If she just can't get comfortable with you being on cpap and be supportive, then maybe she's someone that just can't (or won't) deal with the health issues of a soon-to-be spouse. Some people are like that and if she is--sad as it is-- better to know that now rather than after the wedding.

[Jaylee]

I am single right now so take this with a grain of salt (as in, I had already left my husband before I got the machine)...

I have to disagree with Mac33. I personally think that breathing is sexy I am not being snarky, I just truly believe that my being able to breathe at night is hot. Nothing kills a sex drive faster than your partner's life being shortened because they aren't using their machine.

But don't mind me, my husband was abusive and now that I have left him, I am discovering this ridiculous self esteem that I have never had before. Right now I think I could make grocery shopping look good

Kook- I truly hope that this is a brief freak out thing on your fiance's part. It is not fair to critisize her, because she truly might not understand the severity of your problem. I would help her research it, and just allow her the time to adjust to sharing a bed with someone wearing a mask. I hope she comes around and you two are able to figure this situation out.

But if she can't get over it, then I agree that it is better to know now than later. I wish I had known how badly I would be treated before I got married. But hindsight is 20/20.

[RedBackFur]

Wow, freaking out over a stupid mask.

20 Years ago, the ginaormous CCPD Dialysis cycler showed up in my bedroom. Wasn't it a beauty??

Every 3 hours, "Chug-Chug-Chug-Chug-Chug-Chug-" Click-Click. Or, if I rolled over on my catheter, the alarms would ring. But he never slept in the other room. Lucky for me, I was able to get a transplant 1 1/2 years later. But the drugs I had to take, and some I must continue to take damaged my body. (Hello Prednisone ).

It was not until I developed sleep apnea, bad snoring, reflux from the apnea, and asthma did he have to start sleeping in the other room. With the kicking, twitching, snoring, etc, he could not sleep. After being together 26 years sleeping together, it was very difficult for me.

I finally went in for the Sleep Study, got my APAP 3 months ago, and no longer snore, have reflux, twitch around, etc. The mask doesn't even bother him at all, and he never even made the Darth Vader references.
- - - - - -
Yes, I'd really be worried about such a reaction at an early stage of the relationship. In my experience, it is men that are usually pigs about superficial appearances. Obviously I am wrong about that.

[Muse-Inc]

...I felt I lost my masculinity when I first started using CPAP...

Sorry but this is completely baffling. How can CPAP therapy that keeps you alive when you sleep affect your sense of masculinity? One is inherent in possessing a 'y' gene and the other is caused by your particular airway anatomy...I fail to see how one affects the other. I admit I don't know too many male hoseheads 'cept you guys here but still...

[DreamOn]

Wow, freaking out over a stupid mask.

20 Years ago, the ginaormous CCPD Dialysis cycler showed up in my bedroom. Wasn't it a beauty??

Oh man, THAT puts things into perspective! My mom went through dialysis and kidney transplant. Brutal medications! Compared to all that, dealing with a mask is nothing at all! How blessed you are to have such a supportive partner. That's what commitment is all about.

~ DreamOn

[erictank]

Kook, I guess I'm pretty lucky,as far as the woman I ended up with - she's the one who heard me snoring and gasping and not breathing at night, and said, "You should *REALLY* go get checked out." Then she reminded me of that every so often, for the next three years, until I got fed-up enough with being tired all the time and not getting anything from sleeping 10+ hours every single day I wasn't working and went and got checked out. When I came home from the DME with my CPAP, she said, "Now you'll sound like Darth Vader ALL the time!" (we're both members of the 501st Legion, a Star Wars costuming group, and my main costume is Vader. Might be why I don't feel particularly put out by the breathing noise and mask, come to think of it... ).

Anyways, my wife was always very supportive of my getting evaluated and starting CPAP therapy, stating on multiple occasions that she did not want to wake up to me lying dead in bed, having stopped breathing 3 hours before, or something like that. As far as the noise, she says it's actually much quieter in our room now, since my snoring has basically stopped. Yeah, the mask isn't particularly sexy - but wearing it means that I'll most likely be around for longer, which both of us regard as a good thing.

Hopefully you can sit down with your fiancee and find out what exactly it is that's bugging her about the mask and/or machine. Once she understands that this will help you not only feel and work better, but let you live longer as well, she ought to WANT you to wear it. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

[DreamOn]

Yeah, the mask isn't particularly sexy -

Since your wife is a devoted Star Wars fan, she would probably disagree with that, Vader.

[RedBackFur]

Yeah, the mask isn't particularly sexy -

Since your wife is a devoted Star Wars fan, she would probably disagree with that, Vader.

Oh, the Mask may not be sexy, but has anyone discovered the ability to crawl under the covers while on the hose, and yet, not have to worry about running out of oxygen while rooting around under there? OMG: Bed Scuba!

[flylow]

...I felt I lost my masculinity when I first started using CPAP...

Sorry but this is completely baffling. How can CPAP therapy that keeps you alive when you sleep affect your sense of masculinity? One is inherent in possessing a 'y' gene and the other is caused by your particular airway anatomy...I fail to see how one affects the other. I admit I don't know too many male hoseheads 'cept you guys here but still...

Being a man isn't all about the penis. Being a man is about being a provider and protector of our family. Evolution and genetics made us this way. So if you think about it for a moment, the need to strap on a mask to sleep can be internalized as weakness. Most of us men get it but get over it pretty quickly.

The best relationships have partners who accept differences between the sexes instead of fight them. We do think differently by genetic programming. We need to keep an open mind and always be alert to thoughts such as "Why is he/she saying that? What is the between the lines message? Challenge your rush to judgement always.

[BlackSpinner]

CPAP is just not sexy no matter how we spin it on here.

Ha HA - I do "costumes" for fetish sites - you have no idea what bizarre things people think is sexy, and yes masks of various sorts are considered down right drool on the ground sexy - maybe you should add a latex suit to it?

[BlackSpinner]

I was surprised to see the feedback I received from this issue and all the responses gave me something to think about and talk to her about.


I know I need to be understanding because this is a big issue for both of us. I will try to sit down with her and discuss it some more and explain to her that it can be a life and death situation for me.

It is taking some time to get used to the mask and unit and I have not been able to wear it through the night but it is getting better. But even with the few hours I am using it I have noticed a difference the next day. I do not feel like I am dragging and just trying to get through another day. I am looking forward to being ale to sleep with it through the night to see what it is actually like to feel rested after a good night's sleep.

Thank you all for your support!!!!

I think you need to look at couples counseling, especially the kind that uses two counselors - one for each participant so nobody feel ganged up on. With her on your side the adjustments to cpap will be much easier. Much of the adjustment issues are mental emotional, as Dr Park states, people who are pilots and truckers adjust to cpap better because they have an immediate "big stick" to make it work - their careers not some future heart attack or stroke(which nobody believes deep down will happen to them anyway).

I think it is important to invest some time and money for counseling at this point, it will be money well spent because it will teach you a lot about each other and how to communicate what is meaningful to you.