trouble with sleeping with partner

[TWW]

Do you guys know what romance and sexuality is?

What a silly -- and come to think of it, arrogant -- question.

It may amaze you to learn that people who encourage "traditional morals" (which used to be called "morals") do indeed have concepts of romance and sexuality. Indeed, many of us believe that sexuality is best exercised in the context of a no-BS permanent commitment, and not just short-term passion.

And no, that does not necessarily imply moral superiority on the part of the people whose wisdom you are questioning. I could be a philanderer, for example, and still understand that unmarried physical relations are inferior to those in the context of marriage, just as I can be a couch potato and understand that exercise is good.

(Unfortunately, I am a couch potato.)

[Muse-Inc]

Accept me, accept xPAP and mask...we come together, a sort of package deal. I wear glasses, same thing...I cannot function well without them. Tough? Yup, wouldn't wish this on anyone dating, but I must say I'd be upfront about this with a prospective patner. I can only assume that either the two were affianced before the diagnosis and she was un aware of the condition or that he kept his apnea a secret. Better to know if the other can deal with the condition beforehand. If the person freaks and cannot -- even with education -- accept the hosehead's equipment, so be it. If that is the situation, it is devastating for a permanent relationship. Some cannot accept the reality of a change in health...and that is indeed sad.

[roster]

Indeed, many of us believe that sexuality is best exercised in the context of a no-BS permanent commitment, and not just short-term passion.

TWW, Thanks for saying it.

[JohnBFisher]

... Do you guys know what romance and sexuality is? ...

Actually, yes I do. My wife and I proved that through more than 30 years of a very happy marriage. So, I feel can respond as an expert in this. Romance and sexuality come with an extreme sense of commitment to one another. That was something we had at the very start of our relationship. We care about one another, regardless. I would stand between her and anything that would hurt her (even death) any day of the week.

Remember "For better or for worse..."? Those can NOT be empty words. When we care that deeply - and xPAP therapy keeps your partner alive - we WANT our partner to use it. And my wife proved it. Not only was she never put off my unit, she was the one who wanted me to get it. She loves the resulting energy that it returns to our relationship.

The problem for the original poster is to help his financee see the need and benefit for xPAP therapy. And yes, if she can not see that need, it is a warning sign of problems ahead in the relationship. Unfortunately, that will not make this situation any less heartbreaking.

[mars]

Hi All

Just read this thread, and got interested because of the inflamed passions over what appears to be a simple problem.

If the lady is freaked out by the mask, she has a problem.

If she still wants to be with kook, and he wants to be with her, then she probably needs support and encouragement to deal with her fear. It may just be lack of knowledge about OSA and cpap, or it may be more deep-seated - we do not know. However, we cannot just assume that lack of knowledge of OSA is what it is about. We simply do not know.

I think that Kook needs to support her in this, and work with her to get a resolution.

In the meantime, separate bedrooms can give them a breathing space.

Taking the position that it is only Kook that has a problem is not helpful. They both have a problem, and although I can understand him posting for help, we cannot help her to deal with it. But we can support him in supporting her.

Of course, if she joins the Forum and explains exactly what is freaking her out, then we might be able to help her in some way.

cheers

Mars

[BlackSpinner]

WOW I can't believe some of the responses posted here. Do you guys know what romance and sexuality is?

Yes I was married to a man for 5 years, married to a woman for 18. I spent 2 -3 years on a Gay/Lesbian crisis line, I have a peer counseling diploma -

Yes I know all about sexuality and romance, probably far more then you ever will want to know.

[Lavendergrey]

This is my first post on this message board, but I wanted to say that I really like how you all interact. You all worked through your initial responses to kook's post with thought and consideration...really helps me to know this is a good place to find information and advice.

[kook]

I was surprised to see the feedback I received from this issue and all the responses gave me something to think about and talk to her about.

When I went to see my doctor about my sleep study I asked my Fiancee to join me so that he could give her some incite and to help her understand my medical issue. He tried to explain to her that I wake up about 50 times per minute through the night and that my body can never get the restful sleep I need. However, I do not think she fully understands the part about this waking up thing and why I need this and how much better it can make my life. I am hoping that she will open her eyes and mind to this.

Before I had the machine she always was woken up by my snoring and twitching. She complained about it and told me that she could never get a good nights sleep. I tried to make her see how if that is how she feels when not sleeping well then think about feeling that way every morning.

I know I need to be understanding because this is a big issue for both of us. I will try to sit down with her and discuss it some more and explain to her that it can be a life and death situation for me.

It is taking some time to get used to the mask and unit and I have not been able to wear it through the night but it is getting better. But even with the few hours I am using it I have noticed a difference the next day. I do not feel like I am dragging and just trying to get through another day. I am looking forward to being ale to sleep with it through the night to see what it is actually like to feel rested after a good night's sleep.

Thank you all for your support!!!!

[SleepyInIndy]

One additional point. When I first started on my trip 18 months ago, I volumtarily slept in a different bedroom for a couple of weeks. This allowed time for me to acclimate to the machine, equpment. and make those initial adjustments without disturbing my wife.

After that initial adjustment period, I was able to return to our bedroom and allow both of us to have a good night's sleep together.

Once you get through your start-up issues, she might find a quiet and restful partner preferable, even if he wears a mask and hose....

[Wulfman]

There is TONS of information on the Internet (including this site). I'd suggest doing some Google searches on "Sleep Apnea" and let her read some of the "clinical" information. I'm sure she wouldn't like having her breathing stopped (visualize holding her mouth/nose shut) once every minute for 10 or more seconds.

You didn't mention what your ages (yours and hers) are, but with our "adult" years, come "adult" problems......particularly the older we get. We need to be able to deal with what we can change or adapt to and accept what we cannot.

Over the years, there have also been a number of spouses/significant others who have come onto this forum and complained bitterly about having to try to deal with what they perceive to be their "enemy".......the machine and mask. Those people are being selfish and self-centered and are not thinking of the health of the person they claim to love. That is really sad for those people who are trying to use their machines in spite of their harassment they're receiving from their "loved ones". It's one of the reasons so many of these machines end up in closets and are not used......the person who needs the therapy just figures it's easier to give up as to have to deal with the resistance from others. Many of those machines are sold at estate sales or yard sales after the person dies.

Hang in there.


Den

[Babette]

One additional point. When I first started on my trip 18 months ago, I volumtarily slept in a different bedroom for a couple of weeks. This allowed time for me to acclimate to the machine, equpment. and make those initial adjustments without disturbing my wife.

After that initial adjustment period, I was able to return to our bedroom and allow both of us to have a good night's sleep together.

Once you get through your start-up issues, she might find a quiet and restful partner preferable, even if he wears a mask and hose....

I think this is excellent advice. It's tough enough getting used to therapy, and all the annoying wakeups, and mask removals and alarms, and tossing and turning, without disturbing your partner too.

I'm really grateful that I was single at the time I started therapy. By the time I acquired the current partner, I was comfortable with my therapy and knew how to use my machine without being an annoyance to my partner. Now if he would only by an ADULT SIZED BED, maybe we could sleep together more regularly!!!!

Cheers,
B.

[JohnBFisher]

This is my first post on this message board, but I wanted to say that I really like how you all interact. You all worked through your initial responses to kook's post with thought and consideration...really helps me to know this is a good place to find information and advice.

First, let me say "Welcome!"

You'll find that to this and numerous other posts the folks at CPAP.com (and the regulars here) have encouraged perhaps the most helpful forum for dealing with sleep issues (of course with a focus on CPAP). The good news is that you quickly discover that you are not alone in this Journey. And that - all by itself - can make the adventure much more bearable. Then add to that the fact that others may have encountered similar issues and can provide some guidance of what worked for them in the past.

So, here's hoping you'll enjoy your time in the forum and gain from the insights of others and then be able to "Pay It Forward" to help others in the future.

[TWW]

BTW, Kook, I do have something to encourage you (I'm not just here for the moralizing).

I'm a newbie hosehead myself -- slowly increasing my compliance. A friend of mine who has been on CPAP for years, and his wife (also a friend), were very encouraging to me in the first few traumatic weeks of this transition. Her viewpoint may be a good model for your financier -- uh, financee -- uh, ... (with apologies to Young Frankenstein).

She told me that now that she's accustomed to the slight noise, she actually sleeps better, because her husband is no longer in the stop-breathing-then-gasp-for-air merry-go-round. She can relax now, and she sleeps better.

[JohnBFisher]

... I know I need to be understanding because this is a big issue for both of us. I will try to sit down with her and discuss it some more and explain to her that it can be a life and death situation for me. ... But even with the few hours I am using it I have noticed a difference the next day. I do not feel like I am dragging and just trying to get through another day. I am looking forward to being able to sleep with it through the night to see what it is actually like to feel rested after a good night's sleep. ...

You are your finacee are definitely in my prayers. You just recently discovered you have a chronic illness. Change like that can be difficult for both of you. The good news is that you are obviously trying to gain the benefit of improved health. You recognize that failure to tackle this is literally a matter of "life and death". I am certain my grandfather died from a heart attack due to unmanaged obstructive sleep apnea. (At the time no one knew what it was or how to manage it).

... she might find a quiet and restful partner preferable ...

As SleepyInIndy noted the benefit for both of you is not just during the day, but during the night as well. So, here's hoping your finacee will see the benefit as a very positive change.

[Patrick A]

I have had my CPAP machine for about a month and my Fiance is "freaked out" by me wearing a mask to bed. We are now sleeping in separate bedrooms. I tried to explain to her that the noise is minimal and I would not put the mask on while the lights are on. This is causing a problem with our relationship and I am hoping that someone might have had this issue and worked it out.

My wife now says she sleeps a lot better now not getting woke up by me not breathing and gasping for air.
If she loves you it will all come out in the wash.

[by LinkC on 22 Dec 2009, 05:25

What's to "work out"?

You have a permanent health issue that she apparently cannot deal with. At least you found out BEFORE you married her... /quote]

I also agree with linkC