The phone!

[GumbyCT]

He probably wouldn't use it. He could be sitting right next to the phone and won't get it when it rings. He thinks I am his secretary.

And that's the problem in a nutshell:

Exactly what I was thinking all along. You are part of the problem not the solution.

Your husband wants you to answer all his phone calls. He's the one who is supposed to be on 24/7 call, but he' using you as a buffer, and demanding you be on call 24/7 - for his callers and for himself.

I've been on standby in the military, it IS his responsibility. But I am left wondering if it is YOU or him who thinks an International Incident will result if no one answers the phone? There are wives who want to know everyone who calls for their hubby.

To answer your Q - I look at the caller-id and determine if I should shut my machine off to answer. You said you do have an answering machine, right?

[boston]

This man (and I use the term loosely) needs to understand when your hosed up, your receiving a medical treatment. you need to make sure that while asleep, you cant hear the phone, and he needs to get off his ass and get it.

If I were you, i think I'd act real tired for several days, go to the doctor for some BS reason, tell your husband its because your so tired, come back and tell him that the doc said your not getting enough uninterrupted sleep, that your not reaching REM sleep. In reality more sleep will help you out, and his getting the phone while your asleep could be a precursor to better things. I'd just make sure I'm too damn busy for that phone. I'm not trying to be Dr. Phil here, but if he treats you ike this over the phone, I'm guessing there's other issues too.

[mars]

Hi

Would suggest you keep this forum private, so these posts remain for your eyes only.

You have to start putting yourself first, and you may need counselling for you to start doing this. His work contact is his problem, it does not have to be yours, especially when you are trying to sleep.

There are solutions, but you may need support to use them.

In the meantime "Women Who Love Too Much" may be helpful, but again, keep that private.

Mars

[Bearcat42]

Turn the phone off. I get tired of telemarketers calling at all hours so I just turn it off. I have been in the military myself and believe me, there is nothing so important that they cant wait to call him back on his cell phone. And get him call forwarding on that phone so when someone does call the call still goes through even if he is already talking with someone else. They have no reason to be calling you, you are not his seceratary.

[araminta]

An old fashioned answering machine can be his secty instead of you: with the volume up, he can screen calls, and answer the call if he chooses.

But I agree with the others who recommend counseling to help address the problem - which seems to reveal an aspect of him that is not respectful of your needs.

[Dpursi]

I was in the military for 24 years but would never let that interfere with my wifes well being. I carried one of the first truly mobile phones of the day until my doctor restricted the use 24/7 does have health consequences. Sounds to me that you need an answering machine and counseling if that becomes an issue.

[Wulfman]

Just out of curiosity.......what's his rank?


Den

[grandmma]

Juliebove, I don't mean to come across as accusatory or aggresive here, so my apologies if I do. I always gave in to my (long ex-) husband as well. I loved him, plus he was far more dominant than I was at that stage.

In the long run, I enabled him, the same way you are enabling your husband. Mine wanted an easy life, laid down the law as he saw it, and I complied. If I'd not, he'd have dealt quite well with it I believe. He was not in any way physically abusive, I was never in danger, but I enabled him to be controlling.

It was not until we had been separated for some time that I realised this. The resolution was up to me, and I believe it is up to you also. In addition, as others have said, he should respect your ill health, and this also may be (unfairly) up to you to educate him on this.

Good luck, whichever way you decide to resolve this issue.

[Juliebove]

He probably wouldn't use it. He could be sitting right next to the phone and won't get it when it rings. He thinks I am his secretary.

And that's the problem in a nutshell:
Your husband wants you to answer all his phone calls. He's the one who is supposed to be on 24/7 call, but he' using you as a buffer, and demanding you be on call 24/7 - for his callers and for himself.

That kind of controling person can become violent when his wife rebels - think carefully about how you want to handle the situation.

O.

That's just the way a lot of people in the military are, sadly. Our 14th anniversary just came and went. I just now realized that. He hasn't been violent. Just very, very annoying.

[Juliebove]

I agree with Ozij. Since he is in the military you have access to counselors who you can talk to about this. They can help you resolve this problem and it also means someone with authority will be keeping an eye on your well being. I would suggest seeing someone before becoming confrontational with your husband. Sounds like you both need counseling, Him-to stop this controlling behavior, You-to see why you allow it.

Brenda

Ha! We did try that. What did the counselor say? If I just did everything he said, things would be fine. The military protects their own.

[Juliebove]

I ignoe the phone and let my machine get it unless it is something really important which I can see on call display. I would get call waiting for the cell phone. That way your husband will get all calls on his cell.

I think it does have call waiting. I don't know how to use it. I had it disabled on our regular phone because whenever I tried to get the other call, I would hang up on the first person. This was many years ago. I was living in a security building that had a phone outside. Visitors had to call you to be let in. My friend recommended that I get the call waiting. I never got the hang of it.

[Juliebove]

Your husband's behavior sounds downright abusive. If he's an otherwise all 'round wonderful guy and it's just the phone issues, turn off the ringers, let the answering machine get it and let HIM deal with the consequences (if any.) As far as your cell -- either turn it off or silence it until you're finished sleeping, then return his call of you need to. But if he's controlling in all aspects of life, please se a counseler. They can help you evaluate whether or not you're safe and what steps to take. Good luck.

Ruby Vee (Been there, done that, and have been safe for the last 22 years!)

If it's *him* and I don't answer the cell he merely fills my phone up with so many text messages that it runs the battery down by the time I delete them all. Or he leaves a ton of voice messages. I have missed out on importanct calls when he has done this. I just assumed the 17 messages were all from him and deleted them all. Oops!

As for the counselors, we have seen many. Nice concept in theory, but I won't get into all of that here.

[DreamDiver]

If it's *him* and I don't answer the cell he merely fills my phone up with so many text messages that it runs the battery down by the time I delete them all. Or he leaves a ton of voice messages. I have missed out on importanct calls when he has done this. I just assumed the 17 messages were all from him and deleted them all. Oops!

As for the counselors, we have seen many. Nice concept in theory, but I won't get into all of that here.

Excuse me --- Did you say he 'whistles' for you when you don't answer the phone? Like you're a dog or something?
Sometimes when we're in Walmart, my wife and I will whistle to each other across the aisles to find each other - more like 'Marco Polo'. But to whistle for your attention like a pet. Ugh.

A lot of people don't even have land lines anymore. Do you still need one? If not, get rid of it, and tell any of his military contacts not to contact your cell, but to contact him, and that they should contact his cell phone only. They should only contact you in event of medical emergency.

Get a job, even part-time, and get out of the house. Volunteer at a local non-profit. Get a house-cleaner to come once a week or once every other week. Block all SMS capability on your cell phone. Turn off the phone when your at work or volunteering.

[OldLincoln]

Man you guys are really dense!!! Here this guy is a military man who is home and obviously awake while his wife is sleeping in the other room. Just why do you suppose he is calling her - on two phones at that. He must have a serious case of lackanooky and is sending a foreplay signal for the games to begin.

He's not selfish, he's just a normal red blooded horny man!

[Froro]

He's not selfish, he's just a normal red blooded horny man!

And a childish, inconsiderate dolt!!

I'm sorry, I don't mean to come across as harsh but that was the stupidest thing I've ever read. (and I really hope it was meant to be a joke)

I'm sorry your husband is doing this to you. I don't know the circumstances of your relationship but to me it does sound rather controlling/domineering, and you need to be selfish now. Your health is at risk.

I do a heck of alot around here for my husband too but there is a limit....just do what he tells you to do?? (from a counsellor no less??), give me a break. Turn off the phones. Get yourself a personal number that is meant for your friends/contacts. Look for an "identicall" feature with your local phone company. I have my own number aside from the main phone line as do my kids. We all have our own mailboxes plus the main house line. That way you won't miss your important calls (it has a different ring) and you can ignore the nonsense calls. This is seriously the most childish thing I've ever read. I can tell you what I'd be saying to my husband if he ever tried this nonsense on me. (and just so you know, my husband has a wicked temper, never physically abusive ever, but he teeters on it sometimes verbally...it took me a long time to get up the guts to say enough, but things have been far better since and he knows I"m not a doormat, nor will I take any crap from him....I would say our marriage is actually better because of it as we are equals)