OT - Tragic Death in Family

[Bluebonnet_Gal]

I think men may be especially adept at hiding feelings of depression as they learn from a young age that men aren't supposed to show their emotions.

We are a family of strong Christian Faith and I know the Lord will help us through this!

Thank you all for your words of support, thoughts and prayers!

[JoyD.]

Bluebonnet Gal,

We are a family of strong Christian Faith and I know the Lord will help us through this!

Yes, Gal, the Lord walks with us in the very midst of all our troubles. I can't imagine living without His promises, and without the peace that only He can give us. May His peace restore your joy in life.

Joy

[araminta]

I'm sorry to hear of the loss in your family. It must be an enormous hurdle to try to make sense out of the situation, and at the same time, try to help the family he left behind.

[Kiralynx]

Sometimes, there just are no words.

Those who seem to have no empathy at this time may be hurting more than it's possible to know.

Know that you have my sincere sympathy, and wishes for healing for you and yours.

[Babette]

My sincere sympathy to you and your entire family. Having survived a few suicides myself, I know how deep and mixed the emotions can be.

I am touched by his attempt to spare his family's feelings. He went outside to do the shooting. Clearly he felt there was something so horrible that no other answer would suffice, but he didn't want his family to have to suffer by dealing with his remains. He put everything in order and then went outside. I see it as a last attempt to tell people that it WASN'T THEM that caused him to do this. It was him. It was something inside of him.

You may never know what demons he was battling. You may never know what horrible thing triggered this. It may have been no outside thing at all. Sometimes circumstances that seem "do-able" to outsiders become overwhelming to those inside them. Depression sometimes magnifies every problem to insurmountable.

As a survivor of other's suicides, and as someone who has battled depression and suicidal thoughts all my life, I send you my best healing energy and love. Only time will help you find an "answer" that you can live with, that you can label this tragedy with, in order to get up and get on with your life. As DreamStalker said, it is far too easy to get lost in grief, to the detriment of yourself and your relationships. May this not happen to you and your family.

Hugs,
Barbara

[Hawthorne]

So sorry to hear this! I'm glad you have family and faith to lean on.

Lean on us, if we can help.

[Slinky]

I am touched by his attempt to spare his family's feelings. He went outside to do the shooting. Clearly he felt there was something so horrible that no other answer would suffice, but he didn't want his family to have to suffer by dealing with his remains. He put everything in order and then went outside. I see it as a last attempt to tell people that it WASN'T THEM that caused him to do this. It was him. It was something inside of him.

I rather felt this too. (((hugs))) BlueBonnetGal (((hugs)))

[elader]

Although this is a terrible tragedy, I hope he found the peace he was looking for. My prayers for your family.

[junie]

I'm so sorry sending prayers and hope, My daughter 3yrs ago commited suicide she hung
herself up in the attacic while her husband was at work and the kids were in school, she
left behind 4 beautiful children, Till this day no one knows why, she left us a note saying
she sorry and please forgive her.
Depression works in so many ways, God Bless You And Your Family.

[Bluebonnet_Gal]

I am touched by his attempt to spare his family's feelings. He went outside to do the shooting. Clearly he felt there was something so horrible that no other answer would suffice, but he didn't want his family to have to suffer by dealing with his remains. He put everything in order and then went outside. I see it as a last attempt to tell people that it WASN'T THEM that caused him to do this. It was him. It was something inside of him.

This makes sense - thanks! This helps!

[mdbarthe]

My deepest condolences, Bluebonnet_Gal. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

I retired three years ago after 30 years as a police officer. 12 of those years I spent as a detective and investigated many suicide cases. A good number of them were exactly what you describe; no discernable warning signs, no note, nothing left behind but mystery and misery. Your situation is not unique by any means, but that doesn't offer any comfort at a time like this.

Babette nailed it well and has been requoted by other replies so i won't repeat it. I witnessed much tragedy and emotional suffering during my career and shared those gruesome scenes and unaswered "whys" myself later in private. I developed a survival philosphy that helped me through it. Part of it was Babette's read on the situation. The other part is that I firmly believe there is a reason for everything. It is not ours to know or try to figure out in this world. We may never know why and all the speculation and lost minutes, hours and days of what time we have here on earth will never provide an answer. Sometimes, the horrible tragedies we deal with are better than something else that could or might have happened in lieu of this tragedy.

Time will, to a certain degree, dull or cushion the pain and loss. In the meantime, rest assured we are here for you and will keep you and your family close to our hearts and close in our thoughts. May God be with you.

[Babette]

MDBarthe, thank you for a wonderful post that is helping more than BBG this morning.

The old saw "You never get over it" doesn't really cover it. There are moments you're convinced you have. You can talk casually about it without pain. You can go long periods of time without any pain. Then something triggers it, and you find yourself crying at your computer one more.

But it's not always painful to cry. Sometimes it's just our bodies way of hugging our soul.

Hugs all around,
B.

[Songbird]

Babs, both of your posts were so well-said -- and it needs to be said out loud more than it usually is. Thank you for your openness and willingness to put yourself out there like that.

Bluebonnet Gal, you and your family certainly have my thoughtful and prayerful support. Eight years ago, my ex-husband tried to kill himself, also with a gun. (Miraculously, he survived. He was flown to the best medical center in our area, went through an eight-hour surgery, spent ten weeks in the hospital and had several surgeries after that. He was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder, received much-needed medications and good therapy. So he survived, although, sadly, our marriage did not. That's another story; not relevant and not for here.) No one who hasn't been through the attempted suicide of a loved one can begin to imagine what it's like, regardless of whether the attempt was successful or not. How could they? And although I and others on this board have been through similar situations, they weren’t YOUR situation. So you have our deep-hearted commiseration, even though we cannot know exactly what you’re going through.

Just a few thoughts...

Thank you for posting this thread. As you said, you have made a start, and it's an excellent one. Bluebonnet Gal, you are not alone in this. Feel free to lean hard on us -- either in this thread or through PMs to me or others who have replied here. Talking about it will help lots. Please consider also consulting a GOOD professional counselor. In my mind, it’s no different than accepting a cast for a broken arm. That’s all it is... help toward healing.

I'm sure if it hasn’t happened yet, somebody will talk with you and the rest of your family about the various stages of grief. The most common list is: Denial (this cannot be), Anger (why did this happen?), Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...), Depression (it's all so sad, and it's making me so sad) and Acceptance (it did happen; I can’t change that; it's time to move on). File this somewhere in your brain for future reference.....

One thing I learned is that the various stages of grief don't understand we humans have a LIST, each stage has a PLACE on that list, and each stage is only supposed to show up ONCE, darn it!! The stages rarely show up in exactly that order, and they like to return (also in random order -- Acceptance may show up, but that doesn't mean the others aren't still lurking). Once I figured out that "Okay, it looks like Depression will be my companion today," and just went with it, it wasn't nearly as difficult. Knowing that a stage is exactly that -- a temporary stop in the path -- will help you get through it. In all likelihood, all of the stages will show up more than once, but as time passes, you'll notice that they won't visit as often and that Acceptance ends up sticking around more.

I know the anger of which you spoke. Does it help to hear that it's very usual for that sort of anger to come and that it's okay to feel that anger? It is. Just don't get stuck there. Get it out and do your best to let it go. "Lack of understanding" says it all; keep reminding yourself that those callous family members just don't get it, and try to put their words out of your head. Replaying that tape will only hurt you. Those people will eventually figure out where they were wrong -- or they won't. You can't fix them. You can, however, work at accepting them in spite of their callousness and do your part in preventing more death -- the wedges that kill relationships, such as lingering hurt and refusal to forgive -- in your family. That would be the bigger tragedy. Extremely tough work, I know, but worth going after.

You and your family have my deepest condolences and my strongest support.

Marsha

[Babette]

Songbird triggered something I think I should say. "Callousness" can mean alot more than indifference.

My mother has said some really "callous" things in the wake of my father's death. To someone who doesn't know her REALLY REALLY WELL, it could be taken for indifference to his life. I suppose I'm the last person alive who theoretically knows her really really well. She's an intensely private person who has never been comfortable sharing feelings or ever been warm and fuzzy, even in the bosom of her family.

In short, she's a boy.

She grieves alone, because that's the way she has always dealt with things. I leave her alone, and only "pick" at her now and again. I picked at her Sunday, just a little, and she responded with a smart-ass retort. It told me she's fine, and she'd prefer I not go all gooey and "girly" on her. I retreated.

BBG, I wonder if your relatives are dealing with grief the only way they know how, to make comments that distance them from the situation? Fear comes out that way alot. I suspect it's my mother's coping mechanism. I sure know I get alot of my smart mouth from her.

So, that just occured to me. It might help you deal with their insensitive remarks if you can turn it around in your head that way. I know my mom has said some things the past two months I just want to strangle her for. I've had to do alot of turning it in my head lately.

Hugs,
B.

[Songbird]

Three for three, Babs. Spot on.... absolutely true. I'm glad that occurred to you. Thanks.

Marsha