CPAP fail

[SassySW]

Hello, I am new to this forum and in desperate need of guidance. My husband has OSA and has struggled with his CPAP machine for our whole marriage- seven years now. He had his deviated septum repaired (over 70% deviated) two months ago and still says he has no relief with the machine. He always pulls the mask off at night and has maybe has a hand full of nights that he has kept it on. His personality and mood have noticeably changed in the past few years. He's always been a little "off" when he doesn't sleep well and over the last few months he is increasingly angry, short-tempered, and difficult to live with. We have a 5-year-old son who is always asking "why is daddy so mad" because he slams doors, kicks things, and yells when he's angry. We have slept separately for our entire marriage because of his snoring. I have tried on occasion sleeping with him to help him keep the mask on and I have such anxiety about it that I cannot sleep. Also, when I have woken him up because he pulled the mask off I am met with him throwing the machine on the floor and going to another room to sleep. I'd like to think I could tough it out by remaining in the room with him overnight for as long as it takes, but it makes no sense to me for both of us to be sleep deprived since we have a child and two full-time jobs.

What is the next step besides CPAP? Are there other options? Is there something physical we're missing? I've thought about going to a highly ranked sleep center out-of-state if needed. I need something, anything to try because I am almost at the point of walking away from my marriage. I am constantly walking on egg shells and never know what kind of mood he will be in when he comes home or when he wakes up. Any direction would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[chunkyfrog]

If your safety or that of your child is in question, PLEASE SEE TO THAT FIRST!
Your husband's behavior is HIS responsibility.
You need to get out of danger! ASAP!
You cannot influence his actions if trying affects your safety.

[BlackSpinner]

I agree with froggy.

Make it 100% clear that he solves his problem NOW or you and the child will be out of there. Those are the consequences of his behaviour. Do not enable him, he has to solve this himself. He has been given the gold standard solution - the only other thing that works as well is a tracheotomy. The deviated septum does not prevent him from using cpap therapy effectively, his choices do that.

[JDS74]

Before delivering an ultimatum about leaving, make sure you have a plan in place to do just that. Until all that is set, sleep in a different room. You need to be fully rested to deal with a very difficult situation. Consult with both a marriage counseler and an attorney. His problem may be more than sleep deprivation and sounds like abusive behaviour made worse by his apnea.

[chunkyfrog]

@Sassy: I bet you didn't expect this kind of advice here, but you can't help the ones you love unless you help yourself first.

[Cardsfan]

Untreated abusive behavior gets worse with time. Take care of yourself first.

[postitnote]

How sure are you his behaviour is due to his OSA? Some people get nasty when they want out of a marriage or are having an affair.

[PoolQ]

Sassy, If you are here for support in keeping yourself and child safe, you have it by the truck load!
If you are asking if there might be something your husband can do and are not ready to leave, then you will also find that information here. Understand, this is your husbands treatment and he is the one that must participate in the treatment.
CPAP is not a pill, you don't put it on and have everything work fine. Sleep is quite complicated and the machine has many adjustments. Different people will have different settings with the same equipment and very few if any end up with the same settings that they started with.

There are many things that a sleep study, or Doctor, just can't tell you and have to be discovered by trial and error:
1. what humidity level is too much or not enough?
2. how sensitive is he to breathing out into a pressurized mask?
3. some machines can set a different exhale and inhale pressure, does he need that?
4. does he need the pressure range adjusted?
5. Does his machine even provide a pressure range?

If you have insurance, they typically will pay for a new machine every 3-5 years, so there should not be a problem updating to the latest machine. If not a new machine should be low cost than a new sleep study.

If you tell us what machine he has, people here can tell you what would be expected, or possible with a newer machine. This may provide him some hope of better results.

As long as you are currently safe, I think your biggest challenge will be to convince him to try this again. If he is willing to try, people here a very willing to help!

[ChicagoGranny]

I've thought about going to a highly ranked sleep center out-of-state if needed.

Many of us spent time in "highly ranked sleep centers" and never got our therapy working well until we came to this forum for help.

The expert patients on this forum have helped many people resolve difficult problems using CPAP.

I am not optimistic that this can be done with you as proxy for your husband. If he is motivated to improve the situation, it would be best if he join the forum and start a dialogue in this thread. If he decides to do so, he should register and fill out his equipment profile under the User Control Panel.

Best of luck,

[Julie]

If he's never had his mask properly fitted and therefore it leaks Cpap air he's not getting treated... if he's not wearing a mask that's comfortable or the right size, he won't be able to sleep well. If he drinks alcohol or takes meds at night he's not going to get proper therapy. We can help adjust his equipment, settings, mask, etc. and maybe if he actually gets some decent sleep will not be the person he seems to be becoming. Is there a friend (pref. male) who can talk straight to him about letting us help him get set up properly - to give Cpap a decent chance if things are looked into?

[ChicagoGranny]

BTW, until he can get his issues with CPAP resolved, he should totally avoid sleeping on his back. When on the back, gravity is directly pulling the tongue and soft palate into the airway. Many people get some relief, but not a cure, from sleeping on their sides or stomach.

Some have used tennis balls in a back shirt pocket, pillows stacked against the back, a small backpack containing hard objects and other methods to prevent rolling on the back.