Wife won't sleep with me

[soft_guy]

I've had sleep apnea for kind of a long time. I snored and choked for years and my wife banished me to another part of the house.

Finally I got CPAP because we moved to a smaller house with thinner walls and she said I either had to do it or move out. But she also held out the promise that if I did get used to the CPAP then she would sleep with me again.

I'm glad I got used to it. I've been using it for well over a year now and it has made life so much better. Sleep is better. I feel better. I've lost a little weight. I don't mind using the machine - totally used to it now.

Problem is that wife reneged on her promise because she doesn't like the cold air on the back of her neck or the noise from the machine. The mask I use (the one they fitted me with initially) is a Nasal Aire II which has two small streams of air that come straight out.

Is there something I could do - possibly get a different mask that doesn't shoot air out the front, maybe with a longer hose or something so the machine can be further from the bed - so that I could address this issue for her? I want to sleep with her.

[dieselgal]

It sounds to me like the wife just prefers to have a room to herself. It probably wouldn't make a difference if you change the mask. I don't mean to sound negative but if you have been sleeping apart for years, she is probably use to it and happy with the arrangement. On the other hand you should be able to claim you right to sleep where you want within reason but forcing the issue will not a happy wife make.
How long have you been married etc, etc?

[ozij]

There are very quiet machines to be bought nowadays - DeVilBiss, Sandman, and Resmed carry machines rated at 24 or 26 DB.
There's at least one mask - the Headrest - that will not blow cold air at your wife, it blows the air avove your head, instead of anywhere in front of your face..

But.
Are you sure there's no source of very cold air blowing from about where your wife is? Deep in you heart, do you believe it's only the equipment problem? Does she enjoy your company (seek it) at other times? Do you hug and snuggle comfotably and pleasantly when the cpap is not involved? Does sleeping in different rooms mean just that? When you say "won't sleep with me" do you mean just that, or is also refusing to have you in her bed, or refusing to come to yours for all those non-sleep activities people share in bed?

O.

[Babette]

Being female, cynical and middle aged, I tend to believe it's a dodge and she likes to sleep alone.

HOWEVER, I can say the NAII does have venting issues, and several people here have had to ditch it because of that. I recommend the Headrest as the next best solution:
https://www.cpap.com/productpage.php?PNum=1717&PAID=215

I've also heard good things about the new Swift LT:
https://www.cpap.com/productpage.php?PNum=2759&PAID=588

And, crassly - you could always opt to date another NAII wearer - ME! Joking.... I'm sure the combined venting ratio would be bothersome for both. Me, I've opted to sleep alone from now on anyway. I don't want to have to change masks, and I just can't bear the thought of sharing my bed with a machine and a man at the same time. One is annoying enough. Two would definitely make me homicidal.

Good luck!!!!!
B.

[SeaPappy]

with a longer hose or something

"Root" of the problem?

[Snoredog]

if in it was me, I'd trade her ass in on two half her age

[Babette]

Ah, another point. Yes, you can get a longer hose. No, not from Enzyte. You can get them in 6, 8, and 10 foot lengths from very cheap from cpap.com.

You can also try putting your machine on the floor, on top of a sound deadening mat, like a mouse pad, on your side of the bed. It might reduce the noise irritation for her. You can also try running a counter white noise, such as a fan. Or you could offer her earplugs. I prefer the silicone putty style - they stay in my ears better.

Cheers,
B.

[Goofproof]

She's only on item two on her long list of reasons. Don't count on getting to the end of the list. We can change, but some things can't. at least you are taking care of yourself, sometimes that's what needs to be done. Jim

Make you "Cave" your own.

[Wulfman]

Don't know which machine you're using.....it's not in your profile. Keeping it below bed height is a big help as far as noise reduction. However, there are other masks which may be quieter and will definitely direct the vented air in a different direction. Two come to my mind.......the UMFF and Quattro......the Quattro being the quieter of the two. Some also swear by the Soyala masks. I've also seen suggestions to put a barrier of some sort in between the two pillows.....like another pillow.....to eliminate the offending air flow.

Good luck.

Den

[WearyOne]

I made my husband sleep in the other room 18 years ago (we've been married over 30) because of his snoring, and it's still that way. You can hear him through the walls with all the doors shut. He won't get a sleep study, even though I know he has OSA. I can't even share a motel room with him, when we're in separate beds, and get any sleep at all. (I wear earplugs, have a white noise machine, and my cpap and can still hear him snore in the next bed! )

I will tell you, though, that even if he got the machine and didn't snore a lick, I'd still want my own bed. I'm a light sleeper, I toss and turn a lot, and I like my space. I can't sleep crunched up next to somebody!

I could be wrong, but I bet she's just gotten used to sleeping alone and likes it better. It's not necessarily anything against you, but some people just sleep much better alone--like me. I read a survey some time ago that showed that a good percentage of people (mostly women) would rather sleep alone, but don't because their husband/boyfriend didn't want to.

Pam

[Babette]

Pam, I'm with you on this.

I don't know why it is that men feel this need to sleep in the same bed, ON TOP OF US, but they do.

I am lucky - I currently don't have a partner, and I'm now making it clear from the get go with anyone new in my life that I don't plan to share my bed with them. If that's unacceptable, so be it.

I heard last night on the news that there are now a record number of women living alone in this country. I wonder why? (Not really, just being sarcastic)

I'm so tired of listening to my mother complain about my father and his smothering her in her sleep. I've suggested she sleep in the other room, but she complains that he'll just come find her. No matter how big the bed is, he has to sleep ON TOP OF HER. I've shared hotel rooms with them, and woken up in the middle of the night to find my mother hanging off the edge of the bed attempting to find some room to sleep, because my father has taken over the entire bed.

Most men I've slept with are the same way. My late husband used to get his big old size elevens on my butt and RABBIT KICK me out of the bed.

Maybe it's time for men to address their infantile need to cuddle up on women? Maybe we'd sleep better with them if they stayed ON THEIR SIDE OF THE BED?

LET'S BRING BACK THE BUNDLING BOARD!

Cheers,
B.

[sharon1965]

i have to agree with babs on this one...my hubby has worked mainly midnights for about 13 years, so we don't sleep together very much...weekends are kinda tough on both of us!

before my dx, if he was stuck home with me, he never got ANY sleep and i felt terrible about it because i honestly didn't know there was anything i could have been doing about my crazy snoring, snorting, gasping, talking, twitching, kicking...but if anyone moved to the couch, it was ME!! (only fair)...no matter how much i'd tell him to wake me and send me on my way, he would suffer through it...maybe babs has a point about that too

i've often wondered, in our 18 years of marriage, whose idea it was for couples to share a bed anyway? being the only girl in a house full of boys, i always had my own room, and in the years between living with mom and dad and getting married, i got used to not only having my own bed but having my own place...once we got married and started sharing a bed, it wasn't long before he switched to midnights, so maybe that has saved our marriage? hmm, something to think about

now when we do share a bed, he tells me how peaceful i am with my mask on and how much better he's sleeping...i'm the one complaining because i'm kinda little and he's kinda big and invariably he cracks me somewhere with a big elbow or knee and he's a bit of a bed hog, since he's used to having the whole bed to himself too

i dunno, i think maybe too much is made of sleeping in the same bed...

[Needsdecaf]

i dunno, i think maybe too much is made of sleeping in the same bed...

I disagree and I think it's a personal thing.

Me, I do not sleep well when my wife is not around, and she sleeps horribly and barely at all without me there. I have to say though, that the size of the bed makes a difference. We have a Queen, which is about as small as we can comfortably go. I have to say when we sleep in a King, I get better sleep. But when I sleep alone, it's worse than when we sleep in a double!

To the OP: unfortunately I think your issues may be deeper than just the machine. Get a longer hose that you can stick under the bed and get a mask with better venting and see what happens. I don't think it's going to be much. All masks have vents, you'll never get around that.

[Babette]

Yeah, I vote for the king size bed and a big old BOLSTER in between for SAFETY REASONS.

Sharon, contact your local domestic violence shelter and ask if they can find you grant money to buy a king size tempurpedic bed and a big honkin' bolster so your hubby doesn't knock you on the head and then you drown in your own rainout.

I understand INTIMACY ISSUES. I envy those folks who sleep well together. I have had very few BF's that I slept well with. I thought the last one and I did pretty well. Other than him poking me and complaining about my snoring. But for the most part, I've really preferred sleeping alone. Same reason as Sharon - I grew up that way, it's NORMAL to me.

It is an individual preference thing. But it's also a matter of both parties getting enough sleep so that they don't kill each other. Which is more important?

Cheers,
Barbara

[sharon1965]

i dunno, i think maybe too much is made of sleeping in the same bed...

I disagree and I think it's a personal thing.

Me, I do not sleep well when my wife is not around, and she sleeps horribly and barely at all without me there. I have to say though, that the size of the bed makes a difference. We have a Queen, which is about as small as we can comfortably go. I have to say when we sleep in a King, I get better sleep. But when I sleep alone, it's worse than when we sleep in a double!

To the OP: unfortunately I think your issues may be deeper than just the machine. Get a longer hose that you can stick under the bed and get a mask with better venting and see what happens. I don't think it's going to be much. All masks have vents, you'll never get around that.

of course it's a personal thing, needsdecaf, that much is obvious
my point is that sleeping together or not sleeping together need not be a deal breaker,nor does it have to be indicative of a "deeper problem"...it's just one facet of a 24/7 relationship and if people need to have their own space to sleep well, it doesn't necessarily mean anything is amiss