Sex and the CPAPer - Newbies, please ignore!

pjwalman · Post by **pjwalman** » Wed Jul 23, 2008 12:11 am

I'm thinking I don't want the newbies to read this, lest they get discouraged. Please, if you are a newbie, turn away now!!!!!

And, as a polite warning, as I reread this, if you are offended by mild profanity, this might be a good time to exit out also, 'cause my edit button is not functioning properly at this hour.

I was lying in bed, thinking how tired I was but unable to sleep, and I couldn't get past my desire to post about sex in light of the new partner in our bed, the CPAP machine and paraphernalia. In case the single people out there think they are the only ones encountering challenges with sex because of their CPAP use, let me just point out...it ain't just you! Now, my poor husband, thank God, does not read this forum and, if he did, I would apologize for putting this out there for the world to read, but...I'm sorry...CPAP just isn't sexy, at least at MY house.

Unless your spouse gets turned on by the utterance of "Oh, my God, I wish you could have seen the huge amount of snot I just dislodged with my sinus rinse" or "Are you sure you aren't in the mood? 'Cause I'm about to mask up, and this is your last chance" or "Hey, you want to see if you can make me hold my breath long enough in ecstasy to fool my software into thinking I had an apnea?", this CPAP stuff just isn't all the great for the sex life, married or not. I am of course being flip here, as I have never used any of those lines on my husband, but the reality is that that creature on our faces and that hose extending from it doesn't exactly cry out for spontaneous, raunchy sex, and I'm a little discouraged by that at the moment.

Now, I have heard some say CPAP does not have to end a decent sex life, so I'm willing to admit maybe I don't have the right attitude and am willing to learn how to lighten up if someone can share some insight with me on how to do that. I remember reading someone's cute comment about saying to their significant other, "Hey, don't make me take this mask off!", so I know there are those out there who are still having wonderful fun romps out there, despite being CPAP users. So this is my invitation to those of you who have not found CPAP to be a hinderance to a rewarding sex life to share your secrets with those of us who are struggling with not letting it kill every last shred of desire left in our relationships.

Yes, I realize we can "do it" before we mask up. That works if your spouse comes to bed at the same time you do, but I am often tired WAY before my spouse is, and I can't say that my wind-oozing, mask-farting, hair-strangled masked self is all that sexy when he comes to bed. Yes, I realize that waking up to a warm body in the morning is a helluva lot sexier than waking up to a stone-cold body that finally gave up the ghost against its attackers in the night. Yes, I will continue to put the damned mask on my face every night, 'cause I've gotten used to being able to breathe at night. But is it sexy? {Bleep} no!

So if there are secrets out there, please share them! Usually I have a decent sense of humor, but it's not present tonight, and I need a little help here, people! If you've found ways to laugh your way around all the crap you have to don before you hit the sack and have convinced your partner it's not the opposite of an aphrodesiac, I'd sure appreciate hearing it.

Someone jumped on me in Chat one night for kidding about CPAP being penance for some mistake made earlier in life now having to be repaid, pointing out to me that CPAP is a "gift", not a punishment. Uh...yeah, I guess. I know it's necessary to my survival, yes. I know I can't get pissed off at it when in fact it will some day make me grateful to it for all the friggin' energy I suddenly find myself dealing with. But I'm not there yet, and frankly I currently think it's just a royal pain in the ass! Consider that the comments of a deranged, tired, frustrated user and give me a temporary hall pass for that remark, but honestly sometimes it does NOT feel like a gift, and if there are those out there that want to jump on me for saying that, likely you are a newbie who disregarded my warning at the start of this and you are still in the honeymoon phase. I am sure I will get past this, but for tonight this is my mood and my need to vomit out my resentment so hopefully I can get some sleep sometime soon.

Thank you for letting me vent. I am hoping I have now gotten enough out of my system to actually fall asleep since I have to drag my ass out of bed in about five hours to go to work!

Peggy

Needsdecaf · Post by **Needsdecaf** » Wed Jul 23, 2008 5:53 am

Frankly, it's difficult. I am lucky that my wife is usually in bed before me so I usually just don't mask up for a little while until she either falls asleep or something happens. But that feels so contrived, it really sucks.

Not to mention the fact we have an 18 month old who likes to wake up before 7, and sometimes before 6, so nothing is going on in the morning either.

Having only been on CPAP for 4 months, I am hoping we figure something out.

DreamStalker · Post by **DreamStalker** » Wed Jul 23, 2008 7:07 am

Perhaps terminology is incorrect.

CPAP is not "romantic" ... a state of mind

Sex also includes a state of mind but for most males it is more of a physical act than a state of mind.

You need to talk to your husband ... communication is the best way to resolve issues of the state of mind.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jul 23, 2008 8:02 am

Peggy, in my last relationship, I went to bed far earlier than my BF. He'd come in hours after I was asleep and demand sex. I was really annoyed by that. He, in turn, felt really rejected. Eventually, bad feelings just snowballed and we called it quits.

I didn't even have the CPAP then.

I can only surmise that it's going to be worse with the CPAP. I don't know what to tell you. Maybe scheduling a "date" to talk over the issue, and compromise a little. I know I was always trying to talk my BF into sex earlier in the evening, before EITHER of us was tired, but he was adamant that he only wanted to have sex before he fell asleep. It was really more about his sleep hygiene routine than anything at all about me or us.

Things are going to have to be different between you two. If you keep stuck in your old pre-cpap patterns, it just WON'T WORK.

I wish I had better advice for you. I agree - this sucks.

Hugs,
Babs

echo · Post by **echo** » Wed Jul 23, 2008 8:04 am

hi peggy - sort of along the lines of what dreamstalker said (and excuse me if i am stupid and just didn't get it from your post) - is the problem your state of mind or your hubby's?

I mean, are you afraid that you no longer look sexy and he won't jump your bones? Or have things actually started fizzling away in the bedroom and you think it's because of the medieval contraption you're hooked up to at night?

You're perfectly warranted to feel resentment! Especially when we get over the honeymoon period, and things go downhill instead of uphill...

EDIT: That last comment was about CPAP therapy, not the marriage!!! Sorry about that.

deglorious · Post by **deglorious** » Wed Jul 23, 2008 8:10 am

Hi Peggy, I'm so glad you started this thread because I feel the same way you do. My hubdroid views my cpap as a hindrence to our relations and won't touch me as long as I am with my "snorkel".

It doesn't help that I have to sleep with my back to him to keep the mask vents from blowing on him. He complained about that already. So I can only sleep on one side and my back (which is not the best position).

He does tell me in advance that he wants a "date" with me every once in a while but the spontanaity is no longer there. It's just not the same as waking up to his caresses. He dislikes the cpap--he views it as a wall between us. I don't understand his position but he is not the best when dealing with medical situations (I think he's really a big chicken).

Well, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I too would like suggestions on how to get the jump in our relations.

Deglorious

echo · Post by **echo** » Wed Jul 23, 2008 8:33 am

At the risk of putting my foot in my mouth - may I make an alternative suggestion?

Perhaps (part of) the problem is not so much how you look with the CPAP, but what it respresents? e.g. If you're spending a lot of time on the forums, talk about only cpap and sleep related stuff... maybe the hubbies have grown bored of it and/or feel left out? Not that I blame you for doing all that - it's what we have to do to get this therapy under control and to learn to live with it!

Have you made it clear to him that you are still happy to be woken up to have sex even though you've started sleeping with the CPAP ?

Is he literally turned off by it, or maybe he is just afraid to wake up you with it on? Or maybe you think it's a hassle to take on and off so he avoids that?

I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions, just trying to brainstorm on why they might be "walled off"...

skjansen · Post by **skjansen** » Wed Jul 23, 2008 8:48 am

Okay...why do you have to wait until right before bedtime to have sex? Why not tell your significant other you are ready NOW for sex and see how fast they can get to the bedroom, kitchen table, living room floor or wherever!!!

My hubbie and I do almost everything together so we usually go to bed at the same time as well. So, I don't have this particular problem, but if I did I would find other times, besides bedtime to have a little fun.

Surprise your spouse today and see what they think!

Needsdecaf · Post by **Needsdecaf** » Wed Jul 23, 2008 8:50 am

Are Babette and I the only ones who seem to understand what Peggy is saying? Unless I'm reading it wrong, and projecting my own situation onto it, I am pretty sure that she's just as frustrated with the mental aspects of it as the physical "look" of the machine. And that her frustration is borne at herself and the machine, not at her husband.

I have spoken to my wife, and she repeatedly assures me that she considers the machine to be no barrier, but that's easy for her to say, she's not wearing this crap! I think the real issue is how self-conscious all this stuff makes the wearer feel! Because think about it, the last thing that you want to be feeling to get in the mood is self conscious about ANYTHING. Not your appearance, your smell, your mood, your garlic breath from dinner, nothing. That'll shut down those romantic feelings FAST.

But how to overcome that? It's not as simple as just "having a talk". Even with a caring and understanding partner, there is still this machine that's in the middle of the two people.

Needsdecaf · Post by **Needsdecaf** » Wed Jul 23, 2008 8:53 am

skjansen wrote:Okay...why do you have to wait until right before bedtime to have sex? Why not tell your significant other you are ready NOW for sex and see how fast they can get to the bedroom, kitchen table, living room floor or wherever!!!

My hubbie and I do almost everything together so we usually go to bed at the same time as well. So, I don't have this particular problem, but if I did I would find other times, besides bedtime to have a little fun.

Surprise your spouse today and see what they think!

LOL, that used to work until we had a little toddler running around the house! Not much opportunity for that any more.

skjansen · Post by **skjansen** » Wed Jul 23, 2008 8:56 am

Needsdecaf:

I just do not see it that way at all. Again, I think if all of the stuff bothers you that much then find other times during the day to have sex. You don't need to do it just at bedtime nor do you need to do it only in the bedroom where all of the CPAP stuff is.

I do understand what you are saying but it seems there are ways around the problem.

DreamStalker · Post by **DreamStalker** » Wed Jul 23, 2008 9:04 am

Needsdecaf wrote:Are Babette and I the only ones who seem to understand what Peggy is saying? Unless I'm reading it wrong, and projecting my own situation onto it, I am pretty sure that she's just as frustrated with the mental aspects of it as the physical "look" of the machine. And that her frustration is borne at herself and the machine, not at her husband.

I have spoken to my wife, and she repeatedly assures me that she considers the machine to be no barrier, but that's easy for her to say, she's not wearing this crap! I think the real issue is how self-conscious all this stuff makes the wearer feel! Because think about it, the last thing that you want to be feeling to get in the mood is self conscious about ANYTHING. Not your appearance, your smell, your mood, your garlic breath from dinner, nothing. That'll shut down those romantic feelings FAST.

But how to overcome that? It's not as simple as just "having a talk". Even with a caring and understanding partner, there is still this machine that's in the middle of the two people.

When/where there is a desire for it (sex) ... there is a way to satisfy the desire (what do you think is the source of marriage infidelity?).

Discussing problems/needs/desires about sex with your partner is the key to maintaining the sexual relationship ... especially if it is about self consciousness about anything.

As for machines in the middle .. they actually make special machines to enhance the sexual experience.

Ask Babs ... she knows where to order them from

BTW - I'm not a newbie (cpap and/or sex) anymore so I can post on this thread right?

Treesap · Post by **Treesap** » Wed Jul 23, 2008 9:17 am

I think it is a state of mind. Bed time isn't the only time to be able to do THE DEED. My husband and I take lunch at the same time, and there's always time right after work (who wants to cook dinner right away?) It can't take the work time stress away too. I bet if you approached your husband even if it was at an "odd" time, he would respond. I don't know many red-blooded man who wouldn't want their partner to be the aggressor.

DreamStalker · Post by **DreamStalker** » Wed Jul 23, 2008 9:20 am

Treesap wrote:I think it is a state of mind. Bed time isn't the only time to be able to do THE DEED. My husband and I take lunch at the same time, and there's always time right after work (who wants to cook dinner right away?) It can't take the work time stress away too. I bet if you approached your husband even if it was at an "odd" time, he would respond. I don't know many red-blooded man who wouldn't want their partner to be the aggressor.

Hey now that's my kind of gal ... practicing the pre-emptive strike doctrine

Needsdecaf · Post by **Needsdecaf** » Wed Jul 23, 2008 9:39 am

[quote="skjansen"]Needsdecaf:

I just do not see it that way at all. Again, I think if all of the stuff bothers you that much then find other times during the day to have sex. You don't need to do it just at bedtime nor do you need to do it only in the bedroom where all of the CPAP stuff is.

I do understand what you are saying but it seems there are ways around the problem.