I don't know what to do

josh · Post by **josh** » Tue Jul 03, 2007 6:13 pm

My surgery has been pushed off a month to August 9th...

I can't stand being tired any more...I don't know what to do, and to be honest I can't listen because I am too impulsive.

I am not having fun anymore...or when I am, I can quickly turn and become angry/irritated for no reason.

And then I need to sleep.

If I talk to someone, sure they will listen, but what will come of it? I will still not sleep at night regardless of cpap. Lets face it my anatomy is not built for cpap.

Pills will not work, they never have, they probably never will. I can't be any more proactive about getting better...my surgery was pushed off because why? I don't know. But I was very persistant about it.

And then my impulses drive me to want to hurt myself...what do I do about that? They come on so sudden that I have no control over them except shutting my body down...and they are becoming more and more strong each passing day.

My wife and my kids have to deal with my outbreaks...its not fair to them. I mean I am happy and then yelling...its almost like I am turning into my grandfather...not something I want to be.

And what drives me mad is I know what is wrong...I'm tired.

I've explained it to all my docs, yet they have me drive upwards of 7 hours a visit to see them...I can fall asleep on the road!!

I am a faithful user of cpap, I can't sleep without it. I have tried everything to make it better for me, but its not working...its just not working.

And as far as my surgery, my wife keeps saying that it better fix it...what if it doesn't? What if it makes it worse just like my first surgery?

I feel bad for the people that read my depressing posts...but then again I have no idea where else to go...I mean I went to an emergency room here a few years ago because I was suicidal and THEY SENT ME HOME!!!

And of course my wife doesn't want to listen...

I am counting on this surgery working, that is my only hope. But the docs care more about my teeth and my bite than my sleep.

How do I control that which I cannot?

Sorry for my rant...

kteague · Post by **kteague** » Tue Jul 03, 2007 6:57 pm

Josh,
I am so sorry to hear your surgery is delayed. Don't feel bad about your posts. It's good for me to be reminded that I am not the only person going thru a hard time, and that even though I still struggle, I have come so far from that place of desperation.
Disappointment is a bitter pill to swallow when one's hopes are hinging on an anticipated event. The next 5 weeks must feel like an eternity with every day a struggle. Please keep reminding yourself to picture that time against the backdrop of how far you've come and your entire future.
You are so close and you've made it thru so much. May you find the strength to face each day until your relief is realized.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Kathy

Kattitude · Post by **Kattitude** » Tue Jul 03, 2007 7:00 pm

Hi Josh,
My heart goes out to you. I'm sure it must be frustrating to have to wait after you've waited this long already. Once when I was going through a pretty rough time, my dad told me that sometimes we have to just try to keep living to fight another day. That's really stuck with me and has pulled me through some rough spots. Sometimes you have to take life just by the minute, not by the day or week or month. Please hang in there. I'll be praying for you!!

Connie

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jul 03, 2007 9:41 pm

Just going by this post, it seems the lack of sleep is driving you into dysphoric hypomania. Have you been diagnosed with some such mood disorder (Bi-Polar Disorder; Cyclothymia, Schizophrenia, Uni-Polar Depression, etc.) and are you being treated for these symptoms with either medication or therapy? It's easy enough to recognize that sleep deprivation is a central cause for your irritability, aggravation and impulsivity, but it concerns me moreso that you are dealing with something that looks scarily like a full-blown depressive mood disorder and are simply 'salting the wound' by not being able to secure any sort of rest to get your health into order.

With regards to the increasing suicidal ideation and your own fear of lost self-control, get hospitalized before you get hurt. Sleep is a part of the problem, but as you fight tooth and nail for the answer, remember that the altered perception caused by your current melancholy state is what taints reality and the hopefulness/hopelessness that you allow to grip you.

Lastly, doctors, like many customer service people, often don't want to respond with the same level of urgency that you need them to. I've found, for reasons both commendable and negligible, they seem to need some sort of wake-up call that purveys to them the inherent need for action in the given situation. Finding what pushes that 'button' is neither easy nor fun, but whether you have to raise hell for them to take note or o'erleap some sort of barrier of thought they've hid behind until now, the answers are out there and they are the people we pay to unearth them. You'd think that showing up in the ER concerned about your own risk of self-harm would do the trick, but don't be surprised that it didn't. I told the doctor treating me for OSA that I'd been in two car accidents in the last month (twist of a fib to try to show to him what shape I was in) that were both direct results of me not being alert enough to function. Who'd have thought that he'd just shrug it off, take my blood pressure, and wash his hands of me with a couple of hack pharmacological excuses for my condition that had my psychiatrist wholeheartedly infuriated upon reading?

For me struggling to treat my OSA is a pale demon to grapple with after having fought my life back to one worth living against the hydra of mental illness. The formula has been the same for treating both; examine the problem and eliminate all the possible causes one-by-one. With each change you can make comes a possible solution. With each one that fails I'm immediately on to the next possibility. I study, I observe, I analyze, I experiment. As long as I've got another angle to attack the problem from, I've not given up hope. This is how my father - an average man with but a grade 12 education - attacked mechanical problems on the farm that were beyond his immediate understanding. With each component that he repaired assuming it was the culprit, he came closer to the answer as each piece told new secrets as he 'journeyed' along the way.

Am I way off base and rambling into senseless tangential infinities? Perhaps, then, it's time that I apologize.

Sparchitect · Post by **Sparchitect** » Tue Jul 03, 2007 9:45 pm

^ Logged me out 'cause I was typing for too long. Neat.

robbieh · Post by **robbieh** » Tue Jul 03, 2007 10:16 pm

Hey Josh--

I could tell you platitudes but I don't want to make you barf. When I felt like you, I broke down and went into therapy. It helped having someone I paid to listen to me rant. Eventually I could hear what they were saying and I gradually got better. I highly recommend that. Maybe some antidepressants would also help. I'm glad you reached out. That is a big and important step. Some people go through their whole life and never realize they are miserable and never do a thing to get help.

Humor is good medicine with no side-effects so laugh when you can, laugh about the ridiculous things happening to you. It lessens their impact and allows people to get a little closer to you. Please take care and talk to us often. We'll help you get from here to your surgery. It is just a little longer. you can do it and SHAME on your health care providers!

Robbie

WillSucceed · Post by **WillSucceed** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 6:21 am

Hey Sparchitect... schizophrenia is NOT a mood disorder.

Goofproof · Post by **Goofproof** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 9:59 am

Most of the problem with treatment, comes from not being your own boss, you have to tell your mind that you can do something before you can. I'd sure take control and use the tools I was provided and make treatment work.

Can't, don't "Get Er Done". I'd get positive, and make it work for me, before I'd let anyone cut me open.

Sorry I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's time for a reality check, they don't bounce. When you make up your mind you can do it, you will be able to, those are the facts. Jim

socknitster · Post by **socknitster** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 12:05 pm

Your desperation makes my heart ache and i fervently wish there was some way I could help you.

I struggled with depression for 10 years or more before finally being diagnosed with osa and there were brief glimpses of moments when the thought of suicide was tempting. You CANNOT give in however. Do not let the demons win.

I think the suggestion of hospitalization is a good one, given how bad you say you feel. At least they could stop you from hurting yourself if you really feel you might.

Is there anyone you could call on to help you advocate for yourself? A friend, relative who can help you call the docs and make them (the docs)see reason that they need to help you find solutions asap? It sounds like you are too tired to be a good advocate for yourself and need someone to help you take charge. Even a caring co-worker might take on the duty in a pinch.

It is easier to admit anonymously, like here, just how bad you feel. If those around you are aware of how bad things are, they may be more apt to help you.

My husband used to joke that I was a hypochondriac. Now that i'm diagnosed with osa and he sees there is a reason for all my varied and bizarre symptoms, he doesn't joke about it anymore, he takes it seriously.

I hope your wife will similarly see the light. Confide in her gently and with dignity. She is bound to you legally and spiritually. She can help you.

I wish I could give you more than an e-hug!

jen

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 12:19 pm

WillSucceed wrote:Hey Sparchitect... schizophrenia is NOT a mood disorder.

Indeed it is bad form for me to lump it in with disorders of dissimilar criterion, but aside from its primary nature as an aberrator of cognition, schizophrenia and its related affective illnesses often carry with them disruptions in mood and emotion. Whether these disruptions are directly related to the disorder [ie: apathy] or are simply depressive syndromes that surface throughout the duration of the illness, both are still valid in demonstrating Schizophrenia's inherent connection to emotional/mood characteristics.

I'm glad to clarify, Will, that it is not technically part of the group of diagnoses labeled 'Mood Disorder.' However, I'm by no means trying to write a submission for consideration to the DSM-V , but rather, simply point out to Josh a handful of the more common psychiatric disorders that harbor close connection with his depressive symptoms.

josh · Post by **josh** » Thu Jul 05, 2007 5:35 am

Thank you all for your replies...

Today is a new day, and of course I feel fine. In fact, I will probably feel fine for any given length of time, minus being tired...it is when the stars and the moon align that my attitutude can change and everything goes downhill from there.

How can I go to a hospital like this? I already know what will happen...I will go, they will see nothing wrong with me, and send me home. Just like the time I went in and told them I wanted to kill myself about 4 or 5 years ago...

And as far as meds are concerned, I have been on quite a slew of them, including, but not limited to, provigil, ambien, cymbalta, wellbutrin, xanax, celexa, and zoloft. Now I am on aricpet and dexedrene...

Did any of my medications work? Not really. For the short term maybe...

Unless they prescribe a pill that treats OSA and makes my airway bigger...(and don't say provigil, that stuff almost killed me!!)...then we'll talk.

So, back to going to the hospital, I don't see how that will help me, I wish it could, but I don't see how...unless they are going to sedate me for the next month. But then there are the real life things I have to consider, my wife, my kids, my job. Unfortunately I am the breadwinner in the family, I make about twice as much as my wife so I can't afford to really be out for that...I mean I am already taking off about 6 weeks for my surgery in a month as it is, and I can't screw up my job. I may be a junior electrical engineer by year end if I stay on track at work...and I am just starting my bachelor's degree this september.

In an ideal world, I would like to say yes...please take me out of the picture for a while, let me sleep as much as possible, keep me sedated such that I cannot act on my impulses, take away my license, whatever it takes. Heck I even told my wife that she should leave for a while, but even that is not really feasible. What am I afraid of? I am afraid of turning into my grandfather...who was a real monster. Why was he a monster? I bet he had sleep apnea...I mean where did I get it from?? And I see myself turning into him each waking day...and I hate it. There was a time that I could laugh, make jokes, and take jokes. I can still laugh, but if I take it the wrong way I can snap.

I do have an appointment on Friday with my psychiatrist...my regular montly appointment. I will try and change it up a bit, but I know he will just try to offer me another pill to cope. I would search for another one, but the last time I did it went real bad...I went to a place called Genosis (I think) which was also nicknamed by many others as Genocide...so I went back to my original doctor. I live in New Hampshire...our stores aren't open past 8:00 and our hospitals are behind the times...

Anyway thanks to all those that read my stuff. And I am sorry that others are going through or have gone through what I am going through. I posted this here because I figured I was not alone, even though I feel very alone.

socknitster · Post by **socknitster** » Thu Jul 05, 2007 7:35 am

Josh,

I feel for you, Bud. Just try to take it one day at a time.

It is interesting what you say about your Grandfather. My Grandfather was the same way. His temper was infamous. I was terrified of him/adored him as a child. It is interesting to note that the way my husband describes my snoring pattern is exactly the way I remember Grandpa snoring when I used to take naps with him as a kid. My Grandfather had so many of the health problems associated with apnea--diabetes, high blood pressure, heart problems.

His daughter, my mother, has all the same symptoms and co-diseases. And get this, when I was diagnosed and suggested she might have it too--she got mad at me. Needless to say she wasn't the model mother. It made me think long and hard before having kids because I was afraid I would somehow emulate both of them despite my best intentions.

Do I have a temper? Oh, my goodness, do I. On my worst (and most tired days) I barely keep it in check. But I refuse to succumb to my demons and unleash them. It certainly isn't easy and there are times I have to make my son go to his room because I'm afraid I might smack him (the way I was smacked, liberally, though I was a good kid--and he is too). Sometimes I just take a few minutes and go to MY room and shut the door or go outside under the auspices of taking out the trash or something to take a deep breath and get some quiet alone time, and try to regroup and remember what is important.

Have I failed? Certainly. I try not to beat myself up over it. I'm human. I'm not perfect. I can only move forward and do the best I can do each moment. My son is certainly more forgiving of me than I am. When we talk about it, he says, matter of factly, "You are just having a bad day, Mom." Or, "I think you are just feeling grumpy right now."

So, you are right. You aren't alone. It is a struggle. I don't know all your particulars or why cpap isn't working for you. I wish I could help you more. But I thought maybe if you knew that you aren't the only one who is afraid of turning into a grouchy ancestor, it might help.

My best wishes to you. I hope you are able to get the help you so richly deserve. Keep in touch!

Jen

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 05, 2007 9:27 am

I am an avid user of relaxation techniques. yoga and meditation for stress relief. It really works. I have not had a good night's sleep in years and have only just sought help for that. I totally understand how tired you must feel. I also felt desperate when I was sent home from my initial study a few weeks ago without having been trailed on a CPAP because I didn't sleep enough. I ranted about how stupid that was. That they saw abnormalities and knew I had real problems because my blood oxygen levels were so low but they sent me home with no hope and a lot of empty sympathy. I cried all the way home and panicked because I thought that I was doomed to never sleeping well again. Then I got proactive. I got a new dental appliance since my old one no longer fit. I trailed some throat sprays, used breathing strips on my nose. When sleep didn't come I would just make sure to do my relaxation techniques. I figured there were all different kinds of rest and anything was better than nothing. I also made a real point of finding the joy in my life as it was. It is OK to get depressed and to vent but it isn't OK to let it get to any level of despair. I do think you need to talk to someone including your wife about your fears and desires. I think yo need to focus on the progress you have made. You do say you at least sleep a bit better with the machine than without it. Learn simple relaxation techniques that you can do at the office and on the fly to keep your stress at a minimum. And think positive thoughts.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 05, 2007 9:33 am

I forgot to mention that my doctor was alarmed when he got the report and did have me scheduled for a CPAP titration which is being done tonight. I hope I can sleep enough ! LOL

GeneS · Post by **GeneS** » Thu Jul 05, 2007 8:21 pm

Your machine looks like it will take a smart card. What results does it show? Do you still have apenea's when you sleep with the machine.? If you do not use the smart card try it and get someone to read it for you. You may be breathing thru your mouth or need to change another setting. Your max setting could be low. The card should give a clue. If the card shows your apnea is under control and you still do not sleep the doctor should be told about it.

GeneS

I don't know what to do

I don't know what to do

Times are hard

Keep trying!