Tolerance

[SleepingUgly]

One problem that I find with email is that it is easy to misunderstand the intentions, frame of mind, and tone of the other person. This occurs even when the two people corresponding know each other well. All these issues are magnified on forums, where hundreds of strangers post daily. Statistics alone would argue that some of the posts we read each day are written by people who suffer from a mental illness and/or a personality disorder.

It is no doubt difficult to resist the urge to deliver a tongue-lashing to those who seem not to be rising to the challenge of persevering against obstacles that many of you were faced with and had to overcome, some of you with very little resources. Our challenge in those situations is to ask ourselves how we can help, or at least refrain from hurting, those whose vulnerabilities present in ways that we find most unpalatable.

[TWW]

Good call. In my case (wordplay unintentional), it's a good wake-up call.

Thanks for the reminder.

[Gerryk]

I will stand up tall and take my lashing. Everyone knows I am not right. Well if they don't they just need to read some of the stuff I write.

sleeping what is scary is that todays youth can't communicate one on one in person. They only know how to communicate electronically, and don't know how to take something someone says with a grain of salt. To imagine these people are the next leaders of our country.

I always wondered if someone who supposedly was mentally ill or had a personality disorder was the one who had the problem or if they actually figured out how to deal with life and it was the rest of us who are really messed up.

Gerry

[MauraAnderson]

I'll stand in line for a lashing, too, if you all think I was too harsh.

I think I'm basically a kind and pretty tolerant person but I am highly Type-A. I'm also a parent and can be hugely supportive if someone is trying to help themselves, but I am not of the belief that every response to every problem (especially ones that come up over and over) is not to necessary pat people on the back and tell them it's okay. I do think there's a place for some tough love, on occasion, and I will stand up and say my piece then.

But I can take it, too, or defend myself if need be. I'm not perfect and know it.

Sorry if I offended the lovely folks here.

[JohnBFisher]

... Our challenge in those situations is to ask ourselves how we can help, or at least refrain from hurting, those whose vulnerabilities present in ways that we find most unpalatable. ...

Though I understand your viewpoint, I contend that I very carefully considered the options. I care. I've been in GiantRed's shoes. I KNOW the situation. I've been terrified I would loose my job. I still worry about it. In this economy, experience and years with the company means NOTHING. Over the past two or three years I've fought very, very hard to turn things around. In fact, part of the reason that I "went off" is that I saw a lot of myself in that post. As a result, I want to try - very hard - to help GiantRed avoid similar problems. I am normally very tolerant. I care. I care very deeply about how others fare. In this case, I wanted GiantRed to learn from my own experience and thoughts.

Was I as tolerant as I should be? Probably not. Sometimes I get very passionate about the situation in which people find themselves.

So, if I offended anyone, my apologies. If it makes someone think, well that's my intent. But I will not apologize for caring and wanting someone to avoid my situation. I would not wish my sleep problems on my enemies. I will bend the ear off a total stranger if it can help them avoid some of my problems.

[Gerryk]

I didn't know this was about GiantRed, I just figured I said something on here and deserved it as I usually do and I probably did. I did get frustrated with Giant a statement was made and no answer was given as to what problems the individual was having. I was frustrated because I know people on here will help but you have to allow them to help.

Gerry

[mars]

Hi All

I guess recovery from the brain damage due to untreated sleep apnea can take time, maybe a long time, and will certainly be gradual.

If I compare my posts of today with those of my original few months, my initial intolerance is plain to see, as is my current attempt to be more tolerant.

Of course, being tolerant does not mean enabling, or codependence, it does mean having an understanding of the other persons situation, and making allowances for that. I often don't post on a thread when I suspect my tendency to intolerance will show, and my post will just be me mouthing off, and not being any real help. I also try to use sentences that do not get into personal abuse, and by the way, that will be my understanding of personal abuse, which does not prevent me from saying my truth.

So maybe we are all still recovering from the damage we sustained. I certainly am, and reading this thread reminded me of something I used to say -

There is no point in a sick mind consulting a sick mind about a sick mind.

Which is why we have the Forum.

Because there is a lot of very good recovery here. And it does not have to be perfect to be helpful.

cheers

Mars

PS All that being said, sometimes the situation might need the pithy statements of those who are famous for them, in order to penetrate the brain fog. For me, used appropriately, this would not be intolerance.

[DreamOn]

It's sometimes difficult to judge what method of approach will work best with a particular person to motivate them. Or if it's even possible to motivate them.

Some of our fellow apnea sufferers' stories break my heart. With some, I can tell that they are truly desperate for help and their despair is a more temporary situation. There are times that it's obvious there are much deeper (psychological) problems than just sleep apnea, and they're probably beyond our reach. But I sometimes try. Just knowing that someone cares and understands their pain can help that person, even if they don't have what it takes to solve the problem. We do need to remember just how much severe sleep deprivation can alter one's perception, ability to reason, energy level, motivation, tolerance levels, etc.

What frustrates me is when I put my heart and soul into a reply, and then the person never responds to the thread at all. Makes me think, "Why bother?" There are a few people here that do nothing but complain--repeatedly. With a few, I have offered my help and they don't respond at all. Fine, I can't save the world, and I just ignore it when I see them whining again later. I'm not going to waste my energy. And there are the trolls....

But then there are the very gratifying stories of success. I feel so happy when someone who was suffering reports that their life has turned around. That's what keeps me going!

As Thumper said, "If you can't say something nice....don't say nothing at all." I don't see anything wrong with "tough love," as long as you're being respectful. Sometimes that is exactly what that person needs to get beyond their challenges and move forward. But there are other times when it may be better not to respond at all when someone's enjoying their pity party a little too much, and too often. Some people live their entire lives that way and aren't going to change. Gotta just let 'em go....

~ DreamOn

[secret agent girl]

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[BlackSpinner]

It is no doubt difficult to resist the urge to deliver a tongue-lashing to those who seem not to be rising to the challenge of persevering against obstacles that many of you were faced with and had to overcome, some of you with very little resources. Our challenge in those situations is to ask ourselves how we can help, or at least refrain from hurting, those whose vulnerabilities present in ways that we find most unpalatable.

Sorry but NO. There are plenty of sites - which I left - where everyone is into having pity parties. Where it takes 48 hours to get a post up to make sure they contain only sugary sweetness and no real advice. That is known as "enabling".

People come here for advice and help, and for some a good well directed "slap" is needed. Life will do it anyway, sometimes with fatal consequences, if we don't.

Come here and whine how you would rather live in the streets then wear a life saving mask? Don't expect people to say "you poor baby", most of us have had much more painful life alternating experiences that makes xpap therapy look like a walk in the park.

I have plenty of tolerance, but that doesn't mean I am a sucker for a pity party.

[carbonman]

Our challenge in those situations is to ask ourselves how we can help.

I, too, have struggled w/understanding how we can help.

viewtopic.php?f=1&t=35791

[Wulfman]

Our challenge in those situations is to ask ourselves how we can help.

I, too, have struggled w/understanding how we can help.

viewtopic.php?f=1&t=35791

Thanks for re-posting that link. Been awhile since I had seen it surface.
I also noticed you had only been here about four months when you posted that poll/thread.

"You've come far, pilgrim....."


Den

[KatieW]

Carbonman, thanks for posting that thread, I hadn't seen it before. I am reading and learning....

[carbonman]

"You've come far, pilgrim....."
Den

With your help, I have come far.
It has been and continues to be an incredible experience,
in so many ways.

I would not have missed it for anything.

Carbonman, thanks for posting that thread, I hadn't seen it before. I am reading and learning....

Katie, it is interesting reading.
I will be interested in hearing your thoughts.

I continue to learn here everyday.

As I have said many times,
there is much more going on here than
simply blowing air up your nose.

[Gerryk]

If i said something wrong, then I will be the first to jump up and say I was wrong and that I am sorry. However he was asked several times in that post what problems he was having and never said once what one problem was. I asked him four times. After reading i get the feeling he is just here to whine and I don't like saying that because I have read some of his other posts. He seems like a caring person but I think he is just venting but venting to the wrong people. We won't at least I know I won't listen to that kind of venting, I will try to help.'

It's his turn to step up tell us what's going wrong or not going correctly ask for help and act on it. Be it here or from his DME or doctor he has to take the first step and begin working towards the ultimate goal.

He has said his OSA was diagnosed and things are not improving for him. He is lucky he was diagnosed. Some people have gone years without being diagnosed because they were ignorant to the fact that this wasn't normal. I realized that I have had OSA since my teen years, so I went undiagnosed for well over 20 years. I wonder every day what else I could have accomplished if my OSA had been treated way back when. I don't have a magically time machine to go back and redo those years with a cpap, so I just do what the rest of us do move ahead and be glad I am not being treated.

Gerry