Post
by scenestealer » Mon Sep 03, 2007 8:47 pm
Amandalee, you know if you weren't so darn far away, I'd say I had a solution for both of us, because you're totally a cutie.
And frankly, I have a lot of the same problems with the women in my area that you have with men in yours. Okay, not specifically Xbox playing (though I did date a girl briefly who was REALLY into World of Warcraft)... Just very few women I've tried dating (and a fairly small percentage of people overall) seem to be as intellectually curious, or as driven to do something more with their lives as I am. I'm lucky to have a great group of friends, many of whom spend their free time doing really impressive things (most of my friends are artists, musicians, filmmakers, or some combination thereof). So I don't lack intellectual stimulation. I just have difficulty pairing that with, um, *other* stimulation...
Wanting more from life just tends to make you more picky. People who expect less also expect less from their mate - surprise, surprise. They also have a lot more people to pick from, because the world is filled with people who are trying to fit in. When you're proud of your own individuality, you put yourself (and therefore your potential mates) into a much smaller group. But it's not like you can, short of brain damage, change that. Nor should you want to. Even if being excessively smart seems to be a negative evolutionary trait (meaning it makes you LESS likely to have offspring).
I've definitely noticed a common trait amongst the people I know who stay single for a long period: what we all learned from our bad dating experiences was what to look out for to NOT repeat them, which is a good thing to learn, right? But therein lies the rub: I know that I have a tendency to see the signs that things won't work pretty quick, even before anything can bloom. I've had a couple of things get started only to burn out at least partly because both people were on such high alert looking for problems. I'd see something that might be a problem, get a little uncomfortable, which made them get all worried, and before we knew it we're in a feedback loop, completely freaking out, and off she runs. Doesn't help that my greatest fear in those moments is that they'll freak out and run away. Kind of becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Another problem with being overly educated and wanting more from life is that a lot of us spent our twenties trying to find our place in the world, get our own sh*t together, and figure out who we are. Unfortunately, a lot of other people coupled up FIRST, back when it was a lot easier. In your early 20s, you're around so many more people in college, and you're filled with boundless energy to go out every night, to "party", etc.
These days I have my job where I interact with the same coworkers every day, my indie rock local shows (that I go to when I have the energy) which are filled with mostly the same friends I've known for year, my gym where I only rarely even talk to a woman (somehow seems kind of inappropriate most of the time), and um... yeah that's pretty much it. Occasional gatherings of friends where there's maybe two single women, and usually I've known them for years and already ruled 'em out as a good option.
Also doesn't help that I'm ardently drug free and rarely drink, which puts me into two categories whose Venn circles only have a sliver of crossing: artistic & teetotaler. While a lot of my female friends are very smart people, their binges are legendary, and make them a bad mating prospect for me.
So anyway, I'm willing to admit that worrying about my machine is just the cherry on the top of my dating-neurosis sundae.
But (and I've thought about this a lot lately), I really do think that there's some big factors that AREN'T in my control.
1) Like I said, very small group.
2) Online dating doesn't seem to work for me. I either wind up not that into them, or vice versa. I've never had something where both parties "felt that indefinable thing" upon meeting in person. Okay, maybe once, but that burnt out in less than three days when it turned out she was kinda nutso (the WoW girl).
Oh, another neurosis aside: with the weight I gained from my OSA (and am now starting to lose again - 6 lbs in the last two weeks!), my self-esteem isn't that high to begin with, and facing women that have sometimes looked disappointed when they met me REALLY doesn't help. I'm certainly not claiming to be huge or anything, but I'm not the rock climbing young god that I think a lot of women seem to be looking for. I'm pretty sure as I get healthier, and lose more weight, my self esteem will naturally follow (um, inversely I guess).
I'm much better off waiting for those random moments when I can tell someone is attracted to me, and I'm into them, and it actually seems like a good idea. Unfortunately, since most of my friends are either male, female but not a good match with me, or married, I only have that moment maybe twice a year.
3) I'm too damned tired still. That's a problem because, like I said earlier, I really CAN'T stay out all night without consequences, and unfortunately with how little opportunity I get for lady-attentions, it's not that difficult to convince me to go against my own better judgment. AND because if I had more energy (again, like I said), I would be going out more and have more opportunity for those moments to organically happen.
So, I guess what I'm saying is that right now (despite it being pretty lonely) I've resigned myself that I just have to be selfish and get my health back as best I can. It's hard to be patient, since I've been in this holding pattern for four years now, trying to get my health and energy back, but I finally got diagnosed with something, so it's gotta get better faster now, right?
I know I have to avoid the trap of setting goals of getting EVERYTHING in my life fixed before I try to date (which is impossible, and besides, there's certain behaviors you can't test in a sterile lab), BUT there's also a certain level at which I'll be a lot more able to pursue dating. If something comes along magically in the mean time, I'll try to be open to it and try not to let my worries and self-esteem issues make me give up before I even start.
That's pretty much all I can do right now.
And keep myself entertained and doing my own cool projects that eventually will impress the crap out of some woman...
. Only about three more hours till he is home. 
I personally enjoy World of Warcraft allot. Not to mention just about everyone I know plays...