spouses

sleepgoodsincecpap · Post by **sleepgoodsincecpap** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 8:34 pm

I would think that you would find a way to deal with this issue. It sounds like you are looking for an excuse for a "way out". You did marry him for better or worse, this is what it means...

sleepgoodsincecpap · Post by **sleepgoodsincecpap** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 8:49 pm

just curious, is your marriage OK otherwise? or are there troubles in other places and this is the perfect excuse you can use to get out of a bad thing?

Spouse · Post by **Spouse** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 12:49 am

I would like to thank everyone for the words of encouragement, and/or the judgements. I get it all the time, I am used to it. As you can see its after 2:30 a.m., and of course I am wide awake at the computer for lack of nothing else to do. Unfortunately this is an update. Things came to a head when I was in bed and he came to bed and turned the light on, all the noise, etc. So we argued and I have asked him to leave in the morning. I appreciate all of your comments, etc., and maybe at a later time I will be able to put them to good use. Thank you again.

Spouse · Post by **Spouse** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 12:50 am

Not sure where this site is out of, however I am in the northeast, and here it is almost 3:00 a.m.

Sleepless on LI · Post by **Sleepless on LI** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 4:50 am

Spouse wrote:Things came to a head when I was in bed and he came to bed and turned the light on, all the noise, etc. So we argued and I have asked him to leave in the morning.

Spouse,

WHAT??? This should not be a reason to ask your loved one to leave. I support you in your dilemma regarding losing your sleep (and your sanity along with it), but your husband is going through major trauma in his life, too, right now. I can only imagine that your argument must have gotten ugly and that caused you to feel a lack of his sympathy for your plight, but you both are going through some heavy-duty changes right now and need each other's support, rather than being at risk of having to receive a request to leave your home.

This is not the answer, I hope you realize now, after having some time to cool down. I would really hope you would rethink your decision on asking someone who is going through hell right now to leave. I'll bet this is due to your lack of sleep and his feeling unsupported at a very rough time in his life and some unfortunate words being said as a result. But let the dust settle and seriously think about seeing a good counselor to work this out. Sounds like there may be some buried issues that are surfacing right now.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. But maybe if you both just take a deep breath and get some help, you'll be better off for it.

Ms Piggy · Post by **Ms Piggy** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 7:05 am

Perhaps it was just the last straw, the one that broke the camels back.
He doesn't sound as if he is a considerate or easy man to reason with, altho' granted he is going thru a rough period.
so sorry anyway.

DreamStalker · Post by **DreamStalker** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 7:27 am

As I have followed this thread so far without comment, I have come to realize that this is not a CPAP issue but rather a marriage issue. It is what it is and Spouse and hubby need counciling and/or urgent lessons in communication may they have any desire to continue being married ... I do hope there are no children involved.

Sorry for the frank opinion.

- roberto

TXKajun · Post by **TXKajun** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 7:34 am

roberto, I'm going to have to agree with you. I too have been following this thread with interest and refraining from commenting from when it started.

My first reaction was anger toward spouse what I thought was her "selfish attitude", then sympathy toward her, then anger toward her hubby for his not understanding her needs also, then sympathy for hubby. Finally I've come to the conclusion, as you have roberto, that there has to be something more going on in the marriage causing problems than just CPAP. But what do I know??

It's now between the 2 of them and I'm going to gracefully step out of this whole thread and wish them both the best in their lives, no matter what happens.

Kajun

This therapy WORKS!! And no smart remarks this time.

Spouse · Post by **Spouse** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 8:06 am

I appreciate all your frank opinions, thats what I came here for, opinions, etc. I would truly like to ask some of the men out there who have spouses, honestly, your partner has never had a problem sleeping? This all started when lack of sleep with the treatment. As I stated before, I pushed him to go and get the treatment. Now he is getting therapy and I am getting to have to leave my own bedroom if I want any sleep at all, basically thrown out of my bedroom. Im sorry if I sound selfish or angry, but the bottom line here is why is his sleep any more important than mine? Any men with this problem out there?

OwlCreekObserver · Post by **OwlCreekObserver** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 8:27 am

Spouse wrote:I appreciate all your frank opinions, thats what I came here for, opinions, etc. I would truly like to ask some of the men out there who have spouses, honestly, your partner has never had a problem sleeping? This all started when lack of sleep with the treatment. As I stated before, I pushed him to go and get the treatment. Now he is getting therapy and I am getting to have to leave my own bedroom if I want any sleep at all, basically thrown out of my bedroom. Im sorry if I sound selfish or angry, but the bottom line here is why is his sleep any more important than mine? Any men with this problem out there?

For the first few nights after I began cpap therapy, my wife said that she actually slept far better than before because my snoring and long breathing pauses were no longer factors. The sound of the machine was noticeable, but less instrusive to her ears.

Lately, for a variety of reasons, my treatment has been going badly with lots of leaks and other issues associated with my recovery from a pretty bad cold. While I hope this is a temporary situation, I am quite willing to relocate to another room and will probably do so if it continues much longer. I'm fairly confident in saying that my wife would be willing to relocate also and not get pushed out about it. That's how marriage is supposed to work, isn't it?

I was in a discussion with a group of young folks a while back and the subject of marital spats came up. I mentioned that my wife and I have never had toe-to-toe confrontations. It's not that we agree on everything, of course, but we've always been able to come to an agreement on genuine hot button issues. One of the young ladies in the group then asked, "Well, how do you know who wins?

I guess it just never occurred to me that relationships are supposed to be about winning and losing. Everything is negotiable.

OCO

mikemoran · Post by **mikemoran** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 8:32 am

Spouse,

I wish I had the level of problems you have had and could give you the magic cure that worked for me. But even then, like all the masks out there, it wouldn't necessarily work for you. My wife was relieved I got therapy. She had too many nights pre-therapy where my snoring would disrupt her sleep and then suffering through the pnaic of waiting for me to start breathing again. So this has been a god send for her sleeping.

CPAP is definitely not just a personal struggle when there is a partner involved. Both of you have been suffering for sleep deprivation. While we deal with leaks , noises and having this strapped to us the rest of our nights, you are dealing with just as much.

The person lying next to you just isn't the same any more. He has to face that and so do you. How accomodating you are to each other is the marital and communication issue that you both have to work on. For help with that, counseling is worth pursuing.

In the meantime, I think it would be a good thing for you to take a time out and maybe sleep apart. Until both of you can get some good rest. His need to have you there is the same need I feel all the time. I want things to be normal, the way they always were. He has to get used to the fact that things have changed. Maybe sleep apart weekdays and spend a weekend with him. Till you can get used to the way it is going to be. Give yourself and him time to transition.

Once he learns his mask and set up, he can prepare it in advance before either of you go to bed, so no need for lights to turn on. He could hold you and cuddle until you both are ready to sleep, then put his mask on. so you don't really have to see him hosed up. None of these are cures, just accomodations and ways to cope.

I wish you the best of luck.

DreamStalker · Post by **DreamStalker** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 9:11 am

Spouse wrote:I appreciate all your frank opinions, thats what I came here for, opinions, etc. I would truly like to ask some of the men out there who have spouses, honestly, your partner has never had a problem sleeping? This all started when lack of sleep with the treatment. As I stated before, I pushed him to go and get the treatment. Now he is getting therapy and I am getting to have to leave my own bedroom if I want any sleep at all, basically thrown out of my bedroom. Im sorry if I sound selfish or angry, but the bottom line here is why is his sleep any more important than mine? Any men with this problem out there?

Spouse –

Ask yourself this: Is your current struggle to find the patience, understanding, and mutual communication skills to deal with this issue worth the love, friendship, and mutual time spent together as a married couple? ... the answer to this question should be the bottom line. If the answer is yes, then find the strength and encouragement to do so … If the answer is no, then it may be best to call it quits and discuss the options for separation with your husband.

In answer to your questions, my wife and I will have 2 years of marriage this November. Like you, she pushed me to seek a sleep specialist because of her observations of me gasping for air in my sleep. She has been very supportive during the past couple of months of transition and would much rather deal with my CPAP lifestyle struggle than dealing with the aftermath of my having a stroke or heart attack due to my apnea … a pretty easy choice for her as she does cherish our love, friendship, and mutual time spent together.

I can offer no more to you other than my best wishes for you and your husband.

- roberto

kteague · Post by **kteague** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 10:56 am

Two sleep deprived angry people trying to have a rational discussion in the heat of the moment - what comes out of that are words to live down, not words to live by. Today is a new day. I'm sorry your husband is being so unflexible and inconsiderate of your needs about this. If this is who he is all the time, yeah, I'd probably resent and resist accomodating him in any way. But if that's not the case, can't you cut the guy some slack? I know you are new here and this thread has been a rough ride, but for your sake I hope you are able to let down your defenses enough to recognize those priceless nuggets of insight and wisdom sprinkled generously throughout the replies. More than your original post asked for, yes. But please don't let that cause you to invalidate its potential benefit in your life.

Ater my husband was killed (many years ago), I wrote poetry and journaled to help sort thru my feelings and regrets that the last words he heard me speak were hurtful to him. This caused me to re-evaluate some life philosophies. The line I remember the most says...

"and who would even want to win if winning makes the one you love a loser."

whatrdreamsmadeof · Post by **whatrdreamsmadeof** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 11:08 am

Oh yes, Offerocker,
When we these food people put the hole in the lid for the straw on the seal edge instead of the center of the lid.............so many blouses ruined....I don't know you well enough to tell you what I found on the internet when I googled somi brace..........it was a cruel 4 months........but the cpap problems are way ahead of the 4 month mark. I go to the sleep lab about face swelling tomorrow and fear they will take away the breeze mask I've come to love.........take care Ellen

krousseau · Post by **krousseau** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 11:31 am

I noticed you were in the chat room for a long time yesterday-I went there to talk to you a couple times but you must have been away from the computer as you didn't answer my greeting. Sorry you didn't register on the forum so this could be delivered privately. You said early in this thread:

i came here to get some suggestions from you or others dealing with what I am dealing with.

I don't believe that. The things that were suggested were met with a "been there-done that" attitude. So I'm confused about why you came here. Maybe your husband doesn't listen to you and you were boiling over. Well I guess you got validation for your position and feel justified in your actions last night. You have another choice now-will it be a divorce lawyer or couples therapy? You are going to have work to do either way-the therapy is a whole lot cheaper and much more satisfying in the long run. Besides that if you work out the basic issues you have (and I agree with the other posters who said CPAP isn't the problem here)-you don't have to repeat it again with someone else-because people usually do.

After you cool off come back and read your own posts. You called the bed and bedroom yours not ours. You didn't say much nice about your husband in your posts. You ended up seemingly blaming husbands. A spouse is a spouse-doesn't matter if the spouse in question is male or female.

Make your next choice carefully.....out of reasoned consideration.....not anger.

spouses

Thank you

Re: Thank you

Also sleepless

boy r u right