Partners and CPAP

Dating and CPAP Therapy

Approach Treatment Together

Common Questions

How does using CPAP therapy affect your dating life?

"Singles, XPAP obvious at night or do you hide it until you get to know and trust your date?

I just can't seem to be open about my medical situation. I hide everything under the bed and on the "few" nights my potential partner has spent the night, I wait until he is fast asleep and pull out by Nasalaire II and extra long hose with the rest of my gear still under the bed so everything isn't medical looking if he wakes up. I try to wake first and sneak everything back under the bed before he gets up. No way I would ever risk him seeing me in a hybrid mask. No way, no how. I guess you could say I have a hang up about it. Mike Moran, a very loved and respected poster here, (he's sooo funny it's unbelievable) wears his xpap with such a healthy sense of humor. I wish I could be like him. If you do a search, u will find his postes about it with lots of humor to go with it. Whenever I get down about being a single girl on xpap, I go back and read stuff from his book posted here. It never fails to cheer me up and put everything in perspective :wink: I still keep my NA II for special nights (still too embarrassed for anyone to see me in my hybrid mask) :cry: I'll get over it when I find the right person. He's out there, I know it!

What do other singles do ? The ones still looking for that special someone or the ones that found someone and how you exposed your situation.....were you out of the closet right away?" - new2

Community Feedback

"I hear ya. But, you really only have 2 options in my opinion. You can prowl the malls for men who appear to have mask marks on their faces, (check for a wedding ring second) and go up to the ones you think are cute and ask them out. Your chances here are limited at best. :lol:

Or you can just be upfront with the person before it ever gets to the bedroom stage. Try to make it humorous to make it less scary at first. Then you have to explain how serious the condition is left untreated and the bad things that will happen to you without the mask. Speaking from experience and from a single guys perspective, if I was truly interested in someone, how they look when they are asleep would be very low on my list. If the person cannot accept something this important to your health and well being, tthen hey may not be someone you'd want to keep working on a relationship with?

I know it's hard, but I know I would not want something like this hidden from me. I'd wonder what else they were hiding once they came clean." - Sleepless in St. Louis

"I totally understand how you feel. When I got my first CPAP I was a little embarrassed too. Instead of hiding it, however, I had fun with it. When I first received my mask, I put it on along with a motorcycle helmet and paraded around the house in front of my family and friends. I even allowed them to take pictures. They even called me Maverick from the movie Top Gun for a little while. It made the transition a lot easier. I have a new boyfriend now, and even though we haven't taken things to that level yet, I made it clear to him upfront that I have it, why I have it, and how much better I feel with it. I let him look at it and see me with it. He's used to the idea and even reminds me to use it, he can tell when I haven't used it in awhile by the way I look, feel, and act. You'd be surprised how well men can handle these things." - downriverrose

"Well, my long-distance boyfriend just left after a week long visit. The only weird thing for me was that I needed to try to figure out when he was asleep so that I could then put on my mask and go to sleep. Like somebody else said, it's a definite signal that the fun is over and I never wanted to do that prematurely. :D I don't snuggle up to him as much as I'd like and there was a pillow strategically placed between us anytime I rolled over to face him because it was way too cold to have the cold air blowing on him. In the morning, when he'd start to stir, I'd remove my mask." - rubymom

"I sleep at my girlfriends house maybe twice a week and I would always wake up to find she had moved to the couch during the night because of my snoring. She is also the one who told me i stopped breathing sometimes at night. I did not want to put the mask on in front of her or stay over since getting the machine but she has been very supportive. I have only been on it for a week but she told me what a difference it is sleeping with me now. No more snoring and she does not worry about my breathing. Having her support is very important to me and important for the relationship." - soxfan426

Why tell your partner about CPAP treatment?

What will CPAP do to our Sex Life?

by CPAPtalk member Froro

I'm going to answer this as a 40 year old who still feels like she is in her 20's and her old self again since starting CPAP.

When I got diagnosed this last year it was like I was hit in the stomach. My foggy brain could not wrap my head around it. I didn't sleep much but when I did sleep, I felt it was reasonably restful. (I have severe OSA) Regardless of this, I was in denial and I was angry. I searched for a "surgical cure", hellbent that I would not live my life attached to a hose and a machine.

Things that went through my brain. (some rational, some not, but all valid as that is what I FELT at the time)

I've lasted this long without it, who needs it, really? My husband is going to think I'm ugly Our sex life is going to take a nose dive (not that it already hadn't because I was so tired all the time) What about my freedom and spontaneity? What if I feel like taking off for a weekend? Travel? who wants to travel with this. My husband is going to think I'm ugly I'm no longer going to be attractive My husband is going to think I'm ugly What if my husband dies, how will I attract a new partner with this thing attached to my face at night? (I said not all my thoughts were rational) I'm no longer going to be attractive.

Catching a theme here? Yes it is vain, yes it is selfish and childish, but they were still real feelings. So much of my self worth has been based on image and appearance that it was a natural place to go. It took me years and years to be comfortable in my appearance and be proud of how I looked. When you get to that point after spending half your life thinking your ugly, it doesn't take much to knock you back down.

Funny thing happened. The more I researched the more I realized there was no cure. I voiced my concern to my husband about feeling ugly and feeling like he would leave me because of that. While he said it would never change how he felt, I still had my doubts.

Then the machine came in. Know what happened? I slept for the first time in at least two decades. I slept for a month. I feel 20 years younger, and I'm back to me again. I have more energy to do the million things I need to do in a day, and I don't drop into bed at night. Our sex life not only did not suffer, It improved significantly. No planning for intimacy. It just happens, whether I'm masked up or not. We talk more than we ever have. I usually am awake longer than he is so when the conversation dies down and he is drifting, I put on the mask then. I've learned how to talk with the mask on (a little bit, it's weird but I can do it).

All those irrational fears I had and all the silliness in my own head around being attractive/ugly, etc was put to rest.

Reality is. If your partner loves you (for all the right reasons and not just the exterior shell), nothing is going to change the way they feel.

While I'm still not enamored with the thought of living the rest of my life with this thing attached to my face at night, it's no biggie if I am. The real me is back, and stronger than ever. That person my husband fell in love with nearly 20 years ago is back. Not grumpy, not tired. Looking back I'm shocked he has put up with me the last few years I've been so miserable.

Additional comments:

"One would think the the return of your normal energy level not to mention the elimination of sleeping in separate rooms would be a big boost to intimacy. Anyone who has been together long enough is probably not that concerned with how the mask looks After all, its only on when you are sleeping. When I had a sore on my nose from having the mask too tight the first 3 nights I put a band aid on it before I put on the mask....that was lovely...but we both have a sense of humor and it turned into a funny conversation. I guess its hard to take someone seriously with a dot band aid in the middle of their nose.....LOL :wink:" - Geminidream

"I am so glad this question was posted! You would not believe how many of my patients ask me this question! Now from my personal use of CPAP, I can tell you it does not bother anything. We usually go to bed and cuddle for a while before I put the mask on anyway so if something is going to happen, it happens in that time the mask is off. Not saying she hasn't got frisky with the mask on, but you wouldn't believe how fast I can hit the off button on the machine! :P" - montana user

Dealing with a Non-Supportive Partner

Common Hurdles

"I have had my CPAP machine for about a month and my Fiance is "freaked out" by me wearing a mask to bed. We are now sleeping in separate bedrooms. I tried to explain to her that the noise is minimal and I would not put the mask on while the lights are on. This is causing a problem with our relationship and I am hoping that someone might have had this issue and worked it out." - kook

Community Feedback

"Do you have some information you could give her to help her understand that this is a potentially serious medical condition that is most effectively treated with CPAP? My doctor's office gave me a booklet and obviously you can find a lot of information online. I would suggest talking to her about it more... and not just before bed when you're going to put the mask on. Sit down and explain what it's all about and how YOU also need understanding and support from her to make this treatment effective for you. Relationships are all about communication." - jmelby

"Lots of things about CPAP are hard to deal with. There is the noise of the machine which can be minimized but not eliminated. There is the variation of the sound when you breathe which some users AND partners have fixated on by listening to each breath. Then there is the CO2 leak path from the mask which can blow cold air on the partner. Then there is the appearance. I'm sure you understand that there is ample time for physical interaction with your partner before you mask up to sleep, but you must mask up to sleep safely. As mentioned above, this is a treatment for a dangerous medical condition and if she is freaked out by the mask, ask her to imagine waking up to you having a heart attack or stroke by her side because you failed to maintain the treatment option. Good Luck," TerryB

"Well, first, I have to say thank God for my boyfriend who actually told me to put my mask on when I was too embarrassed to at first. He's also the person who pointed out to me that I stop breathing in the night. Others in my family had commented on my snoring, but never about stopping breathing." - rubymom

"I do have a suggestion for the original poster, though. See if you can get your fiancee to tell you what about it freaks her out. I have two family members who were freaked out by my mask.

One turned out to be freaked out because she was afraid it meant I would die in the middle of the night at any moment. When I explained how OSA works and that I couldn't guarantee not dying at any particular time, it wasn't very likely. I also had to reassure her that I would not suffocate if the mask came off or if the power went off and the CPAP stopped.

The other is very claustrophobic and the idea of anything on anyone's face is disturbing to her. She still wouldn't ever want to wear one but I was able to get her a lot more comfortable seeing it on me by turning on the cpap and handing her the mask to examine and put up to her face. I think feeling all the incoming air helped reassure her.

Maybe the fiancee has similar fears that can be addressed?" - MauraAnderson

"Only she knows what her issue really is unless she shares it. She may not even know herself. Since she's had a month to sort thru it in her head, maybe she can honestly express herself if given the opportunity in a non-condemning way. She very well may have things she wants to say but is reluctant to say them. Give her the freedom to work thru it or walk away without being made out to be "the bad guy". This doesn't have to mean she's shallow or a bad person. Sometimes situations make us fully face things about ourself we weren't aware of before, and sorting thru those emotions can make us a better self on the other side.

Some points it might be good to discuss are... Is she ok with this setting the standard for how she can expect you to deal with her future health issues? If the situation were reversed, how would it make her feel if you moved out of the bedroom? Is this something she thinks she might adjust to over time? Is this affecting how she sees you and feels toward you in other facets of your life together? Is this a relationship deal breaker in her mind?" - kteague

"One additional point. When I first started on my trip 18 months ago, I volumtarily slept in a different bedroom for a couple of weeks. This allowed time for me to acclimate to the machine, equpment. and make those initial adjustments without disturbing my wife.

After that initial adjustment period, I was able to return to our bedroom and allow both of us to have a good night's sleep together.

Once you get through your start-up issues, she might find a quiet and restful partner preferable, even if he wears a mask and hose...." - SleepyInIndy

"A friend of mine who has been on CPAP for years, and his wife (also a friend), were very encouraging to me in the first few traumatic weeks of this transition. Her viewpoint may be a good model for your financier -- uh, financee -- uh, ... (with apologies to Young Frankenstein).

She told me that now that she's accustomed to the slight noise, she actually sleeps better, because her husband is no longer in the stop-breathing-then-gasp-for-air merry-go-round. She can relax now, and she sleeps better." - TWW

"In my case, I'm engaged. My fiance seems to be having trouble with the whole CPAP thing. We are going snowshoeing with a group next month and he asked me if I was going to bring it. !?!?! That is a big red flag to me. It's not like we would be sleeping in one big room with others, we have our own room. I am seriously taking a hard look at this relationship and his inability to respect the fact that I have a medical condition is playing big here. He has had open heart surgery, has a major scar from it, yet it doesn't bother me in the slightest." - SleepingBeauty

"Probably the most effective for me was recording me sleeping and that was a real eye opener. Your husband could have the same problems and so he is in real denial." - rise&shiner

"Sometimes we need to seek support from people who truly DO understand what we're going through. That's why I come to this forum. My husband is a great guy, but he really has no idea what it's like from personal experience to live with the effects of sleep apnea." - DreamOn

Preventing Mask Exhaust from Waking Your Partner

There was a pillow strategically placed between us anytime I rolled over to face him because it was way too cold to have the cold air blowing on him. - rubymom

Wow, rubymom, you said exactly what I came on to say... to a T. :D Including the long-distance boyfriend part. :lol: I do the same thing. We cuddle til he falls asleep, I mask up, and when we wake up in the morning I take the mask off, and we cuddle some more. The only difference is that since I use a Headrest, it vents straight up, so no air blowing on him while we're sleeping, for the most part. - CollegeGirl

Now, it's true we don't snuggle quite like we used to because of the air blowing out. But I find I can cover that up with the sheet or blanket and it doesn't bother either one of us. - TenmaNeko

My husband is always hot at night and tells me the cool breeze from the mask is nice and definitely much better than my snoring. - MauraAnderson

Quiet Equipment

IntelliPAP Auto Adjust CPAP Machine wins Product Challenge 8 against the M Series Auto with AFLEX due to its quietness. The result of the Product Challenge proves the noise level of the machine makes a tremendous difference in the effectiveness of CPAP treatment. Product Challenge participants had this to say about the IntelliPAP Auto Adjust:

"By far the quietest of any machine I've ever used, the intellipap is barely audible. This is a great machine for anyone whose sleeping companion complains about the sound the machine makes. My partner didnt even know the machine was on the first night." - Marc K.

"VERY quiet operation. Surprising how much of a difference this makes for a comfortable sleeping environment." - Philip B.

"This is an extremely quiet machine. You definitely wouldn't be keeping someone awake." - Margaret W.