trouble with sleeping with partner

I have had my CPAP machine for about a month and my Fiance is "freaked out" by me wearing a mask to bed. We are now sleeping in separate bedrooms. I tried to explain to her that the noise is minimal and I would not put the mask on while the lights are on. This is causing a problem with our relationship and I am hoping that someone might have had this issue and worked it out.

What's to "work out"?

You have a permanent health issue that she apparently cannot deal with. At least you found out BEFORE you married her...

I second that opinion. If this is an example of her behavior before marriage, can you imagine what it would be like 10 years down the road if you even make it that far? The mistake many people make going into a marriage is to think that "in love" fairy tale emotion is going to last forever. The "in love" endorphins do fade. If there is an unrealistic expectation that this won't happen and there is no solid foundation, the marriage will collapse. You are fortunate to learn this before financial and emotional ruin.

Do you have some information you could give her to help her understand that this is a potentially serious medical condition that is most effectively treated with CPAP? My doctor's office gave me a booklet and obviously you can find a lot of information online. I would suggest talking to her about it more... and not just before bed when you're going to put the mask on. Sit down and explain what it's all about and how YOU also need understanding and support from her to make this treatment effective for you. Relationships are all about communication.

Your fiance sounds a bit immature. She needs to understand that you have a health issue and that the CPAP machine and mask are what is used for that health issue. She needs to get over herself. IMO, she is being selfish and acting like a kid.

Lisa

Lots of things about CPAP are hard to deal with. There is the noise of the machine which can be minimized but not eliminated. There is the variation of the sound when you breathe which some users AND partners have fixated on by listening to each breath. Then there is the CO2 leak path from the mask which can blow cold air on the partner. Then there is the appearance. I'm sure you understand that there is ample time for physical interaction with your partner before you mask up to sleep, but you must mask up to sleep safely. As mentioned above, this is a treatment for a dangerous medical condition and if she is freaked out by the mask, ask her to imagine waking up to you having a heart attack or stroke by her side because you failed to maintain the treatment option.

Good Luck,
TerryB

This is a good opportunity to see if there is any communication in this relationship besides below the waist.

Anyone who really loves you would try to understand and deal with your chronic health issue that could cause your premature death if not resolved.

Ask your self "Have I really tried to share the details of this issue? Has she really tried to listen to me on this life and death issue? Do I want to share my life with someone who cares this little about my life?"

BlackSpinner wrote:This is a good opportunity to see if there is any communication in this relationship besides below the waist.

Anyone who really loves you would try to understand and deal with your chronic health issue that could cause your premature death if not resolved.

Ask your self "Have I really tried to share the details of this issue? Has she really tried to listen to me on this life and death issue? Do I want to share my life with someone who cares this little about my life?"

EXCELLENT THOUGHTS!!!


Den

Well, first, I have to say thank God for my boyfriend who actually told me to put my mask on when I was too embarrassed to at first. He's also the person who pointed out to me that I stop breathing in the night. Others in my family had commented on my snoring, but never about stopping breathing.

HonestlyI agree with alot of the posts above. My first thought was, she's not all that into you and better to find it out now rather than later. But that may not be fair.

My second thought is--is sleeping in separate bedrooms so horrible? Many married couples do it (often due to the snoring). It doesn't have to impact the physical relationship because obviously you're not wearing the mask then. I have found that I just can't/don't snuggle up to my partner to sleep with the mask on in the same way that I would without a mask. I try to keep a certain distance so the mask isn't blowing on him or anything. So really, separate bedrooms for the sleeping part might be a viable option.

Good luck in working this out.

TerryB wrote:if she is freaked out by the mask, ask her to imagine waking up to you having a heart attack or stroke by her side because you failed to maintain the treatment option.

Heheh, that should really send her running away from continuing a relationship with you. Which might be the best thing to have happen.

As the others have said, better that you find out now, how she views you and the value of your life.

Might just take a bit of patient explanation, but... that kind of initial behavior doesn't sound promising to me.

I agree with Lisa:

LoneStar wrote:Your fiance sounds a bit immature. She needs to understand that you have a health issue and that the CPAP machine and mask are what is used for that health issue. She needs to get over herself. IMO, she is being selfish and acting like a kid.

Okay, now that you'll never post here again after reading these responses....

Sorry, I'm not any better. We get these kinds of posts from newbies frequently, and we tend to be kind of mean in our response to them. Me included. I've said some pretty harsh things.

But that was back when I slept alone and didn't have to worry about these things. 18 months into my current relationship, and while my BF is very supportive of me using my mask - I'm still sleeping alone.

We have a routine where I go into his bedroom, cuddle him for awhile, then I return to my bed and mask up. It's not satisfying. Whatever we had "below the waist" has pretty much petered out at this point.

We have a great relationship other than that. But I do kinda feel like we are close and loving roommates. Possibly brother and sister.

There are people here who report they sleep apart and have a strong relationship. It's possible you and your fiancee can work it out. I just want to tell you that it's all over the board.

Best of luck to you,
Barbara

Being honest, realistic and forthright is not being "mean". In fact, quite the opposite. Giving false hope, on the other hand...

From his use of the word "fiance", I get the impression he isn't looking for a temporary "roommate", "sister" or above the waist kind of relationship.

LinkC wrote:Being honest, realistic and forthright is not being "mean". In fact, quite the opposite. Giving false hope, on the other hand...

From his use of the word "fiance", I get the impression he isn't looking for a temporary "roommate", "sister" or above the waist kind of relationship.

I agree with you Linc (Kind of scary huh?)

Fiancee means planning to sign an "In sickness and in health, Until death do us part" documents. It means "you get all my stuff when I croak".

I would seriously reconsider whether I would want to marry somebody who can't deal with something that is a part of my life. I would keep reconsidering until I realize that he is not worth considering or he accepts me as I am -- with my CPAP. Using a CPAP is not the same as having a dog that he is allergic to.

BlackSpinner wrote: I agree with you Linc (Kind of scary huh?)

Not sure who should be more scared...you or me!

With the odds against a marriage lasting under the best of circumstances, it's hard to imagine the OP "happily ever aftering" with someone as intolerant of CPAP as he describes.