New kid on the block

I am so glad there are other women on here! I don't even have my equipment yet, but I am also worried about the unattractive aspects of therapy...

First, welcome to the forum Angela.

And I'm sorry to hear of your on-going troubles. As Pugsy said when she posted a link to my blog, I had a long and difficult adjustment period. The fact that I finally made it to becoming a more-or-less contented hosehead is due to many, many things, one of which is the help and support and empathy and sympathy from the folks here at cpaptalk.

Several things that you have posted have hit home with me:

Now that I'm on it, I of course feel like a circus freak show

I hate this !@%**^^%&*%$$##@@$^&*& thing with a purple passion!!! I feel like I've got leprosy or something

I feel like the last shred of pride I had has been ripped away.

I literally screamed and howled these sentiments at hubby during many, many wee hours of the night during my first twelve months of therapy. I've been on the hose now for 22 months. And every once in a great while, they'll bubble back up to the surface. One thing that I wish I'd done earlier was getting some CBT for anger management issues stemming from my early absolute hatred of every thing related to my OSA. I know your in a tight bind financially, but if these feelings start to take over your life and you can't seem to get past them, getting some counseling may be in order.

I don't feel like boo-hooing now when I put it on, but when I wake up, I do have that sensation of GET THAT BUG OFF MY FACE!!!

You are far ahead of where I was at the beginning of my second week. I was in the "wish I could cry myself asleep" stage at that point!

And then there's this, which I fortunately did not have to deal with:

He hasn't even seen me in it yet. On sleep over nights he booted me to the guest bedroom and that's where I'm still at so far.

I'm going to suggest something that may astonish you and horrify you: But rather than waiting for BF to invite you (and the unseen mask) into his bedroom, you can and should invite BF into the guest room. And the model the mask in all its hideous glory for BF. Let him hear the machine for himself---the S9 is remarkably quiet. And let him know that when your CPAP therapy is finally properly tweaked, that odious, embarrassing and loud snoring that got you banished to the guest room should disappear. And then tell him it would mean the world to you if he would just snuggle/spoon with you for a short time every night when you go to bed. Tell him that it's perfectly ok with you if he gets out of bed in 15 or 30 minutes after you go to bed if he finds himself unable to get to sleep and goes to his own room to get a decent night's sleep, but that you really need him to snuggle with all of you---including the hose---at the beginning of the night so that you will know the hose has not changed how he feels about you.

In my own case, hubby saw me on night one with the mask. But during the first month I was so upset and tense and restless during the night that he thought it best to not try to snuggle with me for fear of making a bad situation worse. And I started to feel lonelier and lonelier in my own bed---just because hubby was sleeping as far away from me as possible---in a full-sized bed, not a queen or king sized bed. On a particularly bad night where I had woken up in pain and started screaming about the injustice of it all, after hubby worked long and hard at settling me down, this is what I told hubby: I need to have you curl around me every night so that I don't feel like I'm doing this all by myself. He agreed to curl around me at the begging of the night. It didn't fix any of my problems, but at least it was a warm reminder that I wasn't facing this all by myself.

And finally you write:

PS- I have always tried to make the best of a crappy situation. I'm also a designer/seamstress. I'm debating making headgear that looks like Princess Leia buns or the Alien facesucker. Thoughts?? LOL

I do attempt to laugh at most things, it's just my way of coping. I guess you cry or laugh... I'd rather laugh.

I'm thinking of making some sort of silly headgear to at least make myself feel better. Silly is better than sad any day of the week, even if I'm the only one seeing it at this point.

BTW, the best advice I've been given so far is to make this into a science experiment. I love geekery, so that has made it at least a little bit fun.

A sense of humor goes a long way in helping deal with all of this. A sense of scientific adventure helps to. This statements demonstrate there's a great attitude towards all of this inside of you trying to get out. Encourage it to grow any way you can.

So make that silly head gear. Or some silly mask pads or liners if you go to a full face mask or nasal mask. If you are using a plain hose instead of heated hose, make yourself a hose cozy out of a crazy fabric. And give your machine a silly name while your at it. Give yourself a humorous alternative way to "that !@%**^^%&*%$$##@@$^&*& machine" as a way of referring to the machine.

I bet you get some emails from the anti-gun nuts about that avatar.

Don't take it down!

It's good to have strong women who know how to use a gun. (and a CPAP mask!)

AbbyNormal wrote:And I also received my first email on here. I think I probably won't respond to it. In the nicest way possible I was told my picture looks predatory. ....

I have an idea who probably sent you that email....

There was nothing wrong with your previous pic. Don't let other's bully you Can't make everyone happy.

Your new avatar is fine also.

lazer wrote:

AbbyNormal wrote:And I also received my first email on here. I think I probably won't respond to it. In the nicest way possible I was told my picture looks predatory. ....

I have an idea who probably sent you that email....

There was nothing wrong with your previous pic. Don't let other's bully you Can't make everyone happy.

Your new avatar is fine also.

I agree ... we all look predatory to somebody else on the forum (I got a predatory warning myself from a forum member just this morning).

And look at lazer eyeing that bug like a lazer ...



... looks predatory too huh?

Ditto to what DreamStalker and Lazer said.
Your avatar picture was lovely but your new one is very appropriate also. Use whichever one you want to use because you want to use it and not because of what someone else thinks about it.
Me personally, I was rather envious that you looked so good. Didn't think predatory. Thought "damn, she looks good, wish I looked that good".

I just got a new tattoo last week. My second one.
You go girl.

Glad to hear last night was better. Properly fitted these masks shouldn't hurt and if they do then we try a new one.
Most of the time people have them WAY too tight. Piggy nose means the straps are too tight. The end of your nose should not turn upwards, it shouldn't move at all.

Lansinoh ointment. A little applied to the nostrils will help with the tenderness. Remember this area is pretty much virgin territory and never has had anything touching it for any length of time (other than maybe a tissue to blow our nose) and it can get a little tender. Anything beyond a little tender is not the way it should be and something is wrong.
Lansinoh ointment...found in the baby aisle of most stores because it is what breast feeding mom's use for sore nipples..will help with the minor tenderness and use it is small amounts because it is a bit tacky and will help seal the pillows.

On cpap.com and amazon they sell a face moisturizer specifically for Cpaps! I bought it after I broke open my nose from my mask! It hurt so bad I had to stop using mine until it healed up. Then I found cpap moisture therapy and I didn't know for sure if it would work. I wash my face every morn and night, then use a baby wipe and I have been using this cream just at night and it's very nice! It gets kinda sticky so when you use your mask it seals. Plus I have extremely dry skin and I've never found a cream to stop the flaking but this has stopped it! It took my cpap to stop my dry skin! Lol

I have no problem with your original avatar--you looked like Jessica Rabbit.
--(Some of us thought that was a good film)
Now you just look like you're shooting one.
If you saw what the little beasties did to our garden!
But we're in town--we just sic the cat on them; and watch the fun.

Angela
Anyone that would send you a nasty pm like that is just an idiot!!!!!!!! I'm an old lady, so will never look as good as you, I like both pictures you have posted......don't let an a****ss hole like that get you down.

Note to the idiot a*****ss hole....get a life, you are not the "be all" "end all" that you think.