CPAP Olympics

It is that time, once again, when OSA athletes and sleep technicians come from all corners of the globe gather to compete for those coveted gold nasal pillows. This year’s venue is in PeAiria Illinois, where a Mega-Sleep-Lab has been constructed specifically for the games. As you are reading this, the “Original CPAP” is being Air Expressed around the world and is scheduled to arrive just in time for the opening ceremonies.

After the parade of nations, air from the “Original CPAP” will flip the switch on the world’s largest CPAP. The “Rain Out” fountain will run throughout the games as a continuous reminder to the CPAP competitors of the struggles they have overcome. At the closing ceremonies, a giant heated hose will be installed and the lights will dim as the torrent evaporates. Here are descriptions of some of the events:

Harness Racing – Sleep technicians race against the clock to attach the wire harness to patients for monitoring. Time penalties are imposed if not all leads are connected, the patient is comfortable and if the patient is able to get out of the bed without ripping away their skin. A special bonus is awarded if the patient requires the use of the bathroom within 5 minutes of being wired up.

Air Dancing – This is a pairs event is often called the nocturnal ballet. A CPAPer and their partner are video taped through the night with infra-red cameras. Judges then review the fast motioned tape, awarding style points for choreography and technique. You will thrill to the jumps as the exhaust hits the bed partner’s face. Be amazed by the quick leak adjustments and “Rain Out” drainage taking place throughout the night. This year keep an eye out for the quad bed roll, which has never been completed in formal competitions.

Interface Throwing – Distance is the key to victory in this competition. Watch how far the sleepers can chuck their uncomfortable mask when they rip them off in the middle of the night. All competitors are monitored to ensure they are actually asleep during the critical throws.

CPAP-thalon – CPAP-athletes compete in multiple challenges as they strive for victory in this “Crown Drool” of the Olympics. It all takes place in a blacked out room where they expertly perform grueling tasks throughout the night. It starts with “Humidifier and Mask Adjustment, where time clashes with skill to get just the right fit. Points are taken off for “Rain Out” and leaks. Next is “Hose-Wrestling”, exhibiting the ability to roll over in bed without dislodging the mask or dragging the CPAP off the nightstand. The most popular even is the “Sleepful Chase”, where they must remove their mask and navigate a hazardous course from their bed to the bathroom and back again without major injuries. Everyone holds their breath as they await their final AHI and leak rates to see who will ascend the podium.

These, and the other exciting events, will be brought to you live on the Nose-AIR channel. From the time the “Original CPAP” is turned on, until the competition is put to rest, you won’t want to sleep through a single moment.

(Special Note – DME “Price Gouging” and “Antique Equipment Outfitting” are not CPAP Olympic sanctioned events, nor will they ever be added to the games)

I would go for the interface throw myself. Quite sure I've made it to the full length of the hose numerous times.

The other competitions:
the sleep deadhead: can you take your mask off while still asleep?
the skeleton award: the downhill slide off the bed as you try to get the heat back on the humidifier while keeping the mask on and staying under the covers
Greek wrestling: withstanding smothering when your cat turns off the CPAP while the mask is still on your face, or falls asleep on top of the mask exhaust.

Oh, I won the interface throw....when I threw off my mask so hard my 420E went flying through the air with it!

Very funny, Mike! Thanks!

Jan in Colo.

rotfl! Mike, this is one of your best yet. Right up there with your CPAP Probe stuff!

Mike,

Just like good cpap, you are a breath of fresh air. Again thanks

DSM

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CPAPopedia Keywords Contained In This Post (Click For Definition): CPAP

CPAP Olympics - thanks, I needed that!
And laughing so hard that I cried, cleared my nose, too.