Finally, I Can Breathe

I just turned 40 years old, and the greatest gift was to finally be able to breathe normally. It has taken me almost half my life to figure out that I had sleep apnea and a deviated septum, including the last few years working on the proper solutions. Although I understand that so many are suffering from more trying and tragic conditions, moving beyond this feels like one of those giant safe doors has been unlocked and opened.

I thought I'd share my story so others may possibly gain some insight as to how to help themselves or people they know with similar experiences. For me, it’s also a way to celebrate a bit and bring closure to this rather pesky situation.
It's difficult to trace it back. Clearly, I was never a morning person. I felt sluggish since high school, just barely making the bus each morning, looking around wondering how everyone else could be so hyper and spastic.
Then, I'd have to drag myself out of bed in college. Sure, there was often a hangover involved. But while others could drink twice as much and still wake up rearing to go, I’d be toting a crushing hangover around all day.
Post college, depending on where I was living, since a variety of allergies compounded the problem, I felt like a walking zombie. Chronic symptoms were a dull headache, major pressure behind the eyes, dark circles, that “tired look”, memory loss, difficulty in communicating, a general full body malaise that I could physically feel especially in my joints and extremities. I also recognized that at least one nostril was pretty much closed at all times. Sometimes it would even jump sides…quite confounding, but the consensus was, “allergies”.
Otherwise, I'm very lucky to be in good health and I’ve been blessed with a pretty darn good life. Throughout these years I still went to the gym, was active in sports, had a great social life, traveled extensively, and excelled at whatever work I was pursuing. So it's not like I was bed-ridden, but I did feel like I was playing the game of life a few seconds behind the scoreboard time.

In my early 30’s the symptoms grew worse which had me questioning my sanity at times. I was never chemically depressed, but feeling that your real self was somewhere else got to me and I became disappointed with myself and generally not as happy as I knew I could be. I was overly self-conscious, hyper-sensitive, and just a general douche at times. Extensive research on the web, led me to consider a variety of conditions. Was it just severe allergies? Or how about Crohn’s disease, or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I even tried taking bovine adrenaline thinking I may have depleted adrenal gland syndrome…blah blah.
I also began to wonder, "is this just me? me getting older? should I just get used to it?". Instead I was growing more jaded and disconnected with the world. I kept friends and family at a distance, lost touch with many, and had difficulty developing new relationships. This was very frustrating to me, a loving person who only wants to live my live with laughter, creativity, and compassion. As much as one would like to blame other forces, it sucked knowing that it was truly my lack of vitality that was the root of the problem.
I must admit here that I ended up drinking too much. Getting buzzed would give me a jolt of (what I thought was) charisma and energy. It never lasted long and inevitably felt like poop the next day. This was a very unhealthy cycle. If you find yourself turning to booze or dope to escape your problems whatever they may be, you must reconsider, and find a real solution. One must realize, the sooner the better, that no one is going to expend much empathy sympathizing with your whining. Especially if you are doing nothing to help your situation. You will be lucky to have a concerned parent or two or a best friend, but that’s going to be about it. Even the few doctors I had visited over the years offered no guidance other than to write allergy medication prescriptions or insist on perpetual allergy shots.

Onward. I moved to Brooklyn New York 4 years ago, and maybe there was something in the air but my condition worsened to new heights. I had a tough time just following what drivel was being said on the tube. My thoughts were muddled and I didn’t have much conviction in what I said or did.
Through all this I built my small business and things were going fine in that arena, but every day was a struggle to find the motivation.
The search for some clarity continued. Girlfriends had mentioned in the past that I would snore pretty heavily at times, although it wasn’t chronic log-sawing going on. I also began to recognize that I was shallow breathing with my chest while awake, not with my belly/diaphragm. Also, my throat would close up in most prostrate or even sitting back positions. I bought a CD set by Dennis Lewis on breathing techniques (fascinating) and when I practiced I felt much better afterward. I started to become aware that it was a general lack of oxygen, the essence of vitality itself, that was causing my array of symptoms. I grilled an aunt and uncle who both had sleep apnea, and although I didn’t fit the typical sufferer I was compelled enough through my research to get a sleep study. Again, my health care wouldn’t cover it, so I volunteered for a sleep study at a nearby hospital and sure enough I had sleep apnea. They also determined I had a very narrow passageway in my throat and I could be a good candidate for UPPP surgery which would remove my adenoids, tonsils, uvula, and scrape some palate to make it wider. But first I tried the CPAP machine and quickly felt much, much better. Dramatic difference. Wore it every night regardless of how uncomfortable it was… and the whole fighter-pilot look isn’t the most attractive thing, but I had a very understanding girlfriend who was just happy to see me livelier than she ever had before. Also I found that my allergies were not as severe as long as got restorative sleep. It’s all connected, and I believe it begins with getting enough of those magical oxygen molecules.

After a while, I inquired about the UPPP throat surgery, set a date, and after a nasty recovery I didn’t have to use the CPAP machine anymore…however I was maybe only feeling about 60% as good as I did with the CPAP machine, which forces air down your throat at night to assure you are getting good amount of oxygen. The ENT doctors also determined that I had a deviated septum and that perhaps that should be addressed some day after recovering from the first surgery. The thought of actually being able to breath out of both nostrils was becoming very attractive to me. I had gotten used to being semi-stuffed, but now I was determined to make the possibility of breathing fully a reality.
So I had another surgery at the beginning of September to correct the septum and reduce my turbinates (small bones in the nose that can obstruct breathing if enlarged). I was up and about pretty quickly, but it did take a while to fully heal, blowing out some major buildup every other day. I took a run of antibiotics because there seemed to be a small infection in there, and applied some bacitricin with a q-tip way back there to keep it clean and moist.
So now it’s been about 10 days since waking up with both nostrils clear…and they are staying clear all day. Halle-freakin-lujah. I mean there is some serious rejoicing going on here.
I’m trying not to look backwards, but wow did I experience some unfulfilling years. In retrospect I could have prevented much of it if I only sought out better information and shelled out more dough for treatment. So please, if you or any one you know is experiencing symptoms that are a result of not getting enough oxygen, don’t hesitate to take the necessary steps to alleviate it. It’s essential to human health. Some answers include, a CPAP machine, surgery for some, learning how to breath correctly while awake, lose weight, and exercise…get those lungs pumpin’. And if you still smoke and allow yourself to remain obese you are just asking for it.

On a political note, if I had lived in a country like Canada, Japan, or any of the other industrialized nations with national health care, I may have been diagnosed and had my septum easily corrected much earlier in life.
Lord knows I would have been more productive, made more money, paid more taxes, not have dragged down the system with other unnecessary treatments like perpetual allergy shots and meds, and would’ve been generally happier.
Isn’t it patriotic to want to have your fellow Americans happier and healthier? I’d much rather put my money into a national health care system than waste it on my pretty useless insurance that I had over the years.
A smart, fair system can be put in place that increases care and cuts down costs. Figuring this out can be done and is more important than the bottom line of a few major corporations.
Well, went on a tangent there…but watching so many Americans being led astray, by the likes of Sarah Palin and Fox news, to fight against their own interests saddens me intensely.

Thanks for reading. I hope you’ll be breathing easier soon.

Thanks for sharing! Great resolution for what is a common experience...not being able to fully breathe for whatever reason. Amazing how it robs you of joy and vitality.