partner not comfortable with mask

I have been on CPAP now since November 2010 and 100% compliant at home. When I travel and visit my partner, the first visit was only a weekend and while I took my equipment I did not use it. I had a horrible night terror and nearly choked him.

So this is the second visit. I set up my equipment. His response was can you please wait until I fall asleep to put that on. so I did. The next night I felt uncomfortable and did not put the mask on. I had yet another night terror and was fighting in my sleep and kicked him pretty bad.

I am trying to figure out how to approach this...I sleep far sounder and do not have night terrors. I have figured out when I get a long apnea they trigger the night terrors and my body is fighting to wake me up to breath.

Should I just put on the mask and say good night and let him deal with it...or try to talk about it. Let me add he also has severe sleep apnea for which he refuses to seek treatment for. He has been told loose weight and all will be well!

IMHO, he needs to get over it. Either he accepts you with all your foibles, or he doesn't. I have a feeling he doesn't like seeing you with the mask on because he probably pictures himself wearing it. If I were you, I would just keep mentioning how good it makes you to feel after sleeping with it on.

My gf and I make the whole thing a joke. If I fall asleep without the mask on, she will hit me and say, "You are snoring. Put your mask on Darth.".

Sorry to hear your partner is not being supportive. I think if I were in your shoes I would tell him that you need to wear the mask every night, even at his place, and then do it. It's just sleep, for heaven's sake!

My husband doesn't find the mask overly sexy, either, but I make jokes about it. For instance, he was out of town for a few days recently and when he came home I was in bed just about asleep. He came into the bedroom and I said, "Here I am, your sleeping princess." He laughed. In our case, however, the difference may be that we have been together for a long time and his sleep has been affected by my snoring. So he's a fan of CPAP even if it does make me look like Darth Vader when the mask is on. We have to be a little more purposeful about intimacy and it takes away from spontaneity, but we talked about that ahead of time so we are both on the same page and know that if one of us intends to initiate sex, we have to be direct about it, ideally before the mask goes on.

I suppose you could look at this as a challenge to your relationship. I think when one person really cares about the well-being of their significant other, they will be mature about this sort of thing and recognize the value of the therapy for their partner. My husband has noticed that I have more energy since I started the therapy, so he sees that it is benefitting me and he is willing to work around the mask thing.

Perhaps your partner will become more comfortable with it in time. If you're having night terrors without your CPAP, that's more than a little telling that you need to use it each and every night. Have you told him that the night terrors are probably brought on by your inability to breathe? How does he respond to that?

msradar65 wrote: I have been on CPAP now since November 2010 and 100% compliant at home.

That's GREAT! Good to hear it.

msradar65 wrote:When I travel and visit my partner, the first visit was only a weekend and while I took my equipment I did not use it. I had a horrible night terror and nearly choked him.

Why just "nearly choked him"? I mean, isn't turnabout fair play if he doesn't mind you choking all night from not using the mask?

msradar65 wrote:So this is the second visit. I set up my equipment. His response was can you please wait until I fall asleep to put that on. so I did.

Seeing it might remind him of his condition and make him feel bad about not treating it. Men often aren't good at articulating anything that complicated, though.

msradar65 wrote:The next night I felt uncomfortable

Nothing and no one should make you uncomfortable about taking care of your own health, IMO.

msradar65 wrote: and did not put the mask on. I had yet another night terror and was fighting in my sleep

Sorry to hear that--not putting the mask on, having the terror, fighting in your sleep.

msradar65 wrote: and kicked him pretty bad.

Good! So he doesn't mind getting kicked and nearly choked, but minds you staying alive and improving the quality of your life? Kick him again! (Sorry. I am not inciting to violence. Only expressing displeasure at the violence of one human being denying another human being the ability to breathe while asleep.)

msradar65 wrote:I am trying to figure out how to approach this...I sleep far sounder and do not have night terrors. I have figured out when I get a long apnea they trigger the night terrors and my body is fighting to wake me up to breath.

Should I just put on the mask and say good night and let him deal with it...or try to talk about it.

I don't think you should be afraid to tell someone who truly cares about you how important it is that you be able to breathe at night.

A man shouldn't find a woman's leaving her mask off attractive any more than he should find her refusing to brush her teeth or refusing to take care of herself in any other away attractive, IMO.

Only you can decide whether it is best to discuss it or to just do what you need to do, but if you say something like "Just so you know, I would do my best to be supportive of you if you decide to try CPAP. And, as a favor to me, is there any chance you can be supportive of my doing something that makes such a positive difference in my life so I can be as fun as possible a person to be around?," how could he argue with that? Even a male like me should be able to understand that logic. We can follow that stuff if we concentrate really hard in between ball games and beer.

It might help to bring it up at a different time than just before sleep, like in the middle of the day after you've brought him a sandwich or complimented him on not burping in public or something.

msradar65 wrote:Let me add he also has severe sleep apnea for which he refuses to seek treatment for. He has been told loose weight and all will be well!

He may appreciate hearing you say that you would support him if he decided to try CPAP, even if he isn't capable of saying to you directly how much he would appreciate your saying it.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I mean, I don't know the guy.

If I did, I might give him an earful, though.

I agree with all of the above about asking for your partner's support, etc.

My husband is 100% OK with CPAP because he couldn't even sleep in our bed anymore pre-CPAP--my snoring was SO bad. And he's seen me in my mask many, many times and he's perfectly OK with it.

Even so, I generally don't mask up until the room is dark, and often only after he's fallen asleep. I do this because we often chat for a short time before sleep, and when he starts to snooze I know the conversation is done so I won't have to try to communicate in sign language

I'm good at putting everyting on quietly in the dark (except for that &^%$#@ beep when I turn on my machine), so it's not a problem.

Fact is, most people do not lose weight quickly. My machine starts when I turn it on, not six months from now, after I lost weight. Having untreated sleep apnea is likely to make a person fat, and keep them fat. Losing weight may not stop sleep apnea problems, not that I object to anyone losing weight. Using a sleep Apnea machine can help lose weight, with no other changes to lifestyle, but it might not work like that for everyone. At least proper treatment of Sleep Apnea will not sabotage weight loss efforts.

Proper treatment of sleep apnea can increase quality of life, and love. Statistics tell us it reduces heart problems, strokes, and extends useful quality of life, and yes, length of life itself.

Used to have a friend who was afraid he would feel like he was suffocating while sleeping with a mask. That is never an issue, it is more like they will realize that they felt like they were suffocating before they used a Sleep Apnea machine, like my friend did.

Then there is how I feel when I wake up. Before treatment with Sleep Apnea it was, "Can't be time to get up." Now it is, 'What am I going to do today."

Problem is, some people are like smokers, "I would rather smoke and lose a few more more years at the end.." because it seems like it is more fun now, like a death wish. You should hear everyone when they have a heart attack and are begging the ER docs to stop the pain and save them.

For me, it about having more fun in life. When I was in high school, and at a body weight I will never see again, I did not wake up feeling this good.

Thank you all for the comments. I needed them to get myself more focused. He is dealing with a father who is a train wreck healthwise. His mother is healthy no health issues. I am going to guess he is dealing with his own immortality and the fact that he could end up like his father. Severe heart disease, hypertension, 90% closed arteries, too high a surgical risk that no heart surgeon with touch him. Smoked, drank and ate hearty and is now paying dearly for it. He can barely stand and walk at 70 yo.

I am in the same boat. My mother is a chain 2 plus pack a day smoker, drinks like a fish and has a volumes full of health issues to include three strokes, hypertension and the list goes on.

I don't want to end up like that. I started this journey when I complained about his apnea and snoring. Then he complained about my snoring. I was already exhausted and spoke to my doctor. Had my sleep study and I am feeling 300% better. He refuses treatment. I thought maybe through my positive experience he will see its not a bad thing.

Of course I gained 20 lbs in the first 3 months of therapy...which my doctor says in my body healing its self. Now I am loosing weight and I have not changed a thing.

msradar65 wrote:Thank you all for the comments. I needed them to get myself more focused. He is dealing with a father who is a train wreck healthwise. His mother is healthy no health issues. I am going to guess he is dealing with his own immortality and the fact that he could end up like his father. Severe heart disease, hypertension, 90% closed arteries, too high a surgical risk that no heart surgeon with touch him. Smoked, drank and ate hearty and is now paying dearly for it. He can barely stand and walk at 70 yo.

I am in the same boat. My mother is a chain 2 plus pack a day smoker, drinks like a fish and has a volumes full of health issues to include three strokes, hypertension and the list goes on.

I don't want to end up like that. I started this journey when I complained about his apnea and snoring. Then he complained about my snoring. I was already exhausted and spoke to my doctor. Had my sleep study and I am feeling 300% better. He refuses treatment. I thought maybe through my positive experience he will see its not a bad thing.

Of course I gained 20 lbs in the first 3 months of therapy...which my doctor says in my body healing its self. Now I am loosing weight and I have not changed a thing.

Good for you! I was beat over the head for about ten years because of my snoring, but I refused to do anything about it. Heck, my snoring never bothered me! (Or so I thought). When I was diagnosed, you would have thought I was told I was terminally ill. I would be damned if I was going to be sleeping with one of those God-forsaken machines strapped to MY face. No way! That all changed the morning I woke up from my titration. I slept only about four hours, but I was so full of energy I went straight over to my dad's house and started cutting up the downed limbs he had been bugging me about for a month. And that was at 7AM! If you love that boy, keep after him, let him read some of our stories. I know I can't remember ever feeling this full of energy.

Ask him which he would rather accept, the mask or your coffin.
Shock just might do it.
Nan

msradar65 wrote:... the first visit was only a weekend and while I took my equipment I did not use it. I had a horrible night terror and nearly choked him. (emphasis added)

So this is the second visit. I set up my equipment. His response was can you please wait until I fall asleep to put that on. so I did. The next night I felt uncomfortable and did not put the mask on. I had yet another night terror and was fighting in my sleep and kicked him pretty bad. (emphasis added)

Remind him that the last time you visited you almost choked him (to death!) in your sleep. And that on this visit (last night?) you kicked him (hard enough to cause pain and discomfort!) in your sleep. And that both incidents were caused solely because you were NOT using your mask.

Then tell him (sweetly) you don't ever want to choke or kick HIM again when you are experiencing a night terror. And also remind him exactly what a night terror is and how much it disturbs both your sleep and his when you have them. And how easy it is to prevent the night terrors (and the choking and kicking him in your sleep) by simply masking up when you go to bed.

And end the conversation by saying that in order to preserve HIS life and body and YOUR life and sanity, you MUST mask up when you sleep!