OT-Depressed...

I just need to vent. I'm slipping into a depression, and that's not fun at all. I've called the psych doc, and he is going to increase meds, so hopefully, this will get better soon. But mostly it's situational, and there is no reason to think my situation is going to get better anytime soon. I was happy and "okay" with family in California this holiday season, but since returning, I have been severely depressed.

I keep asking myself "what did I do wrong to deserve this"? I am near bankruptcy because of my medical bills over the last few years. I am paying 150% of COBRA fees starting this month under a disability extension until I qualify for Medicare (there is a 2 year wait after qualifying for Social Security Disability). This is over 50% of my income to have the COBRA. But I am on a spend-down with Medicaid, and if I don't carry the COBRA, I am at risk for not being able to get my many meds. But because of the COBRA insurance, I have horrible problems qualifying for Medicaid because the COBRA pays so much of my medical, that it disqualifies me in some months from Medicaid. I have been advocating for over a year to have Michigan change the Medicaid policies to like other states. Everybody agrees it is unfair that my COBRA disqualifies me from Medicaid. If I was able to drop COBRA with no consequences, Medicaid would pay for every expense.

Last year, I worked out that Medicaid saved $32k by my having COBRA. I wrote a great letter to politicians, proving that through this savings to Medicaid, I was paying my state representative's and my U.S. Congressman's health insurance costs for 1 1/2 years by keeping my COBRA. I've been asked to be on Medicaid reform speaker's bureau's, etc. and my senator wants to use me as an "example" why the 2 year Medicare wait needs to be eliminated.

But has anybody done anything?? No. I am in a crappy situation with no recourse.

To add to this, the COBRA insurance screwed up royally, and cancelled my policy this week. Umm, stupid people, I have letters saying it was continued, and proof that I had paid under their new on-line system for the last two months (they said I hadn't paid those months) and up to Jan. 31st. It is supposed to be fixed asap. Again, though, why me??? I can't get prescriptions until this is fixed.

I went to Medicaid today for my annual review. I drove 45 minutes there in a snowstorm. But my appointment was less than 5 minutes. All she really needed was a signature because I was so organized and had faxed her everything. Stupid. And then, she said that because of the spend-down, it was unlikely that I will receive transportation costs to the University of Michigan in March. Even though, I will eventually qualify for that month, it needs to be a pre-approved month (using outstanding medical bills) to be approved. Stupid, stupid, stupid. So it looks like I'll have all these expenses to go to the University of Michigan.

My friendships and social support have gone into the crapper, because I did "the right thing" and tried to protect my professional license. Not to go into much detail, but the executive director of the agency I am on the board of, fabricated board minutes including financial decisions, and signed my name to the minutes and submitted it to the state. After weeks of contemplating, I decided I had to report to the state that I didn't write those minutes, and that board actions didn't happen that the executive director fabricated. This has caused me to lose two friends. And the circle of friends attached to them. But what was I supposed to do? If I let things continue, I could have been seen as colluding to provide false information to the state. That would have meant bye-bye to my license.

I've had no "regular" invites, i.e. Thanksgiving, Christmas parties, etc. because of this. Nobody will talk to me. My "best friend" walked away from me in the store when we accidentally met. I am alone 90% of the time now. Substitute teaching, my part-time job, has decreased because of the economy and everybody trying to hold on to their jobs (and sick time).

And for all I have sacrificed to get medical care, all I am getting is crappy care. It took 7 weeks of medical blundering, after a overnight pulse oximetry test showed destats even with my bipap on, to finally get oxygen at night, which is working. I didn't matter.

My dentist, who expounds all these Christian values, basically dropped me because my secondary was Medicaid, and I couldn't even afford the copayments after my COBRA insurance. Another local dentist luckily is going to charge only what my COBRA will pay and write off the Medicaid portion. My current dentist is a hypocrite. It's Christian to dump me because I have high medical bills and Medicaid?? And he knows I have been especially sick since September, and my gums have paid the price of having low oxygen levels. Some christian man, huh?

I had a flight from hell on New Years eve day on United from San Francisco to Chicago. People were downright nasty, and doing unsafe things, such as toddlers jumping on seats during takeoff, and such as the "lady" in the window seat swore at me because I wouldn't let her out during landing to use the bathroom!!! The flight attendents did nothing. I was actually hurt and in pain from my seating position (crying), and the flight attendent wouldn't do anything. United customer relations has sent my complaint to flight operations management because of the safety issues, but no apology or anything. At this point, I never want to be in a plane ever again in my life.

I always thought that being a good person was enough to survive, and that's what mattered. Maybe if I was more selfish I would be doing better. What the heck did I ever do to deserve my circumstance today??

I'm not without hope, but in the short term, my life is heck. Even my counseling appt. was cancelled today, and I can't be seen for 2 weeks. Lost in the crowd again.

Thanks for letting me vent. I am trying to stay connected to the world, so the depression doesn't get worse. Anything like this helps. Lovey

Lovey,
Start reading about workplace bullying here:
Why have my colleagues deserted me?
http://www.bullyonline.org was created by Tim Fields. Sadly, Tim died in 2006, of cancer.
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully

You may also want to look for Dorothy Rowe's "Depression: The Way Out Your Prison" http://www.amazon.com/Depression-Way-Ou ... 200&sr=8-2

O.

Thanks for the great information. I hadn't realized I was being bullied. I was definitely though bullied by my "best" friend into keeping quiet. And when I didn't, I have been paying the consequences by her for not letting her bully me, and go with my heart on which was best to do for my conscience and life. I like the quote by MLK that if you passively let evil continue, that you are as responsible for the evil as the person who commits the evil act.

Again, thanks. Lovey

You don't need "friends" that reject you for being honest. What kind of friends are those? Hopefully there is something in your life where you can find some pleasure until your circumstances improve. Our health care system is failing. I have no job, no insurance, and am having to go without healthcare like millions of others. I am getting one prescription I need from Canada at half price. Still, have faith that things will work out.

I think a word from Carbonman is needed here.

Georgio

Lovey,

I am sorry how people in this world today treat are treating you, unfortunately until they are in a similar situation they dont see how they tend to come off towards you. I have been recently diagnosed with PSTD and depression due to my fathers death three and a half years ago and my mother trying to commit suicide twice since November because she has a noncureable condition (Gastroparesis). Things are very hard for her as far as medicaid is concerned we cant get any help for her because her home is in her and my name and they wont budge. We have been looking into applying for free or low cost meds from the pharmicutical companies-I dont know if anyone has clued you in on that but we are just beginning into that territory. It has been a real roughroad for us and I am having a difficult time with it as well being a daughter as it is hard to deal with how something you need the most you cant get. Hope your situation gets better for you soon, As I come home every evening to read whats new on the CPAP forum as they're is a ton of knowledge here and a ton of people that are very very humorous as I enjoy the humor so keep your chin up fella!!!!

Medicaid rules make no sense at all. It causes people to get divorced so that they can get medical care. I actually have been making headway with the Michigan Medicaid "decision makers" and they agree it's broken and the rules don't make sense, but they don't do anything to change it. Everything that has to do with disability and medical care makes no sense. The government puts limits on your life, and rewards you for not working. I wouldn't be on a Medicaid spend-down (I'd get full Medicaid) if I never worked. But unfortunately, I worked hard and earned all my credits and have SSDI, not SSI. And I don't qualify for Freedom to work Medicaid. If I hadn't worked, and was on SSI, I would qualify.

Social Security should be money to help you survive during a disability. They spend more time trying to take it away from you, and limiting your access to earning income and medical care. It is supposed to be insurance! Insurance means it is a supplement for an event that has caused you harm. Well, it shouldn't be that most of my income goes toward toward maintaining my disability concerns. Let me work so that I can support myself also!!! Stupid government, stupid health care, stupid people, ....

I have looked into free prescription programs. They can be good in the short term, but really, you cannot be on a med for a long time on them. I've been on their programs before. I only have to make it to December 1st and I'll get Medicare. Unless Obama's administration passes a bill early in his presidency to eliminate the two year wait for Medicare, which will reduce my wait time until June 1st.

I'm picking up a bit today. Not so glum. I'm trying to make plans and engage in new activities. Still no COBRA health insurance and meds though!!! Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Thanks, Lovey

Lovey,

I just read all your posts in this thread. It looks like you made a good turnaround in 20 hours.

After reading your first post, IMO you were not depressed. You were just feeling like crap because of all the things that have happened to you. Who in your position wouldn't feel like that? I remember from some other threads that you recently had many problems and were not getting a good cpap therapy. This certainly can affect your mood and often doesn't go away immediately with good cpap therapy.

I also note that you are writing very clearly and you are taking action in good ways. Depressed people have trouble expressing themselves and are often not able to take action. You are not at this point.

Best of luck for better things in 2009,

Rooster,

Actually, I do agree with you. I am not "organically" depressed. I am "situationally" depressed. I have been organically depressed before and it is paralyzing and thought processes are all screwed up.

I do though need to deal with all the things that are making me "depressed" and reach out to others to improve. I've been holding on to a lot of emotions since September. I didn't realize until the last few days how angry I am at the "medical community". Why did it take 7 weeks to get oxygen?? They exposed me to many weeks of possible damage and ill-health due to lack of oxygen. I've made a great turnaround in a month now on oxygen. For one thing, with the 3 blood pressure checks in the last month, I've had "perfect" blood pressure readings (115-120 over 65-70). I was constantly running 140 to 145 over 80-90 since September.

I don't think the doctors really now all that is caused by inadequate cpap therapy. Until they do, they need to listen to us better, and stop making rules that keep us from getting the treatment we need.

Take care, Lovey