OT: Daily Funny bone

[Papit]

Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory.

what's next, racist jokes?

Shoot, you're right. I'll fix that.

[idamtnboy]

Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory.

what's next, racist jokes?

Shoot, you're right. I'll fix that.

You almost got it all!!

[Papit]

Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory.

what's next, racist jokes?

Shoot, you're right. I'll fix that.

You almost got it all!!

Hey! Thanks, idamtnboy! I haven't yet heard back from ChicagoGranny. So I've been wondering what the problem might be and I think I've got it! I can fix that. Why not, right? Check out my latest version and let me know.

[ChicagoGranny]

I think I've got it!

... never too old to learn.

[ChicagoGranny]

I know this is a humor thread, but this is an important safety message that I want to insert here.

It is a bit scary:

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,

"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...

"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!

[chunkyfrog]

Too funny! I need to look for a dry lilypad now.

[ChicagoGranny]

[Catnapper]

I just read on Facebook that boobs prove men can focus on 2 things at once.

[SGearhart]

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

[bryansong]

I love ChicagoGranny, what a sense of humor. Thank you for all of the laughs.

bryansong

[zorki1c]

A guy is sitting in his living room one evening watching TV when he hears scratching on the the front door. He opens the front door a sees a snail looking up at him. Irritated, he grabs the snail and throws it across the street.

Three months later the guy is sitting in his living room watching TV when he again hears scratching on the front door. He opens the door and and sees the snail looking up ay him again.

"What was that all about?" says the snail.

[Papit]

MILK

Learning that he had a rare disease, the only treatment for which was mother's milk, Mr. Shipman took out a personal ad looking for a nursing mother. To his delight, he found a woman almost immediately and, after agreeing on a price, he went to see her in her apartment. As it happened, Mr. Shipman had incredibly soft lips. After only four minutes of nursing him the woman was beside herself with passion.

Out of breath, she asked, "Is there anything else I can offer you?"

Smiling impishly, Mr. Shipman responded, "If it's not too much trouble, do you happen to have any Oreos?"


_____________________________


HIGH MAINTENANCE

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what can I get for you, Julie? A diamond necklace? A sable coat, maybe? A nice Jaguar?”

"Bernie,” she says, “I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I didn’t want to spend that much."



________________________________

[ChicagoGranny]

I love ChicagoGranny, what a sense of humor. Thank you for all of the laughs.

bryansong

Bryansong, Thank you. I always figured if you can't laugh, you don't have much of a life.

I am going to go through and delete some of those posts with expired links to my jpg files.

[ChicagoGranny]

Papit

Some good ones!

I will put that one with the young girls' photo on my FB page. Some of my granddaughters will get a kick out of it.

[ChicagoGranny]

Here is one by forum member DeadlySleep that deserves enshrinement here.

He was answering a member's question, "What is the life of a CPAP?"

My days are very boring. I just sit here in the bedroom all by my lonesome self. Sometimes that damn cat comes in and props his ass down on me and just sits there silently.

Other days my master forgets to open the curtains before he rushes off to work. Then I am left in the dark all alone all day.

Evenings things liven up a bit for a short while. My master comes up and takes his clothes off and looks in the mirror and smiles at his fat body. Gross. Then he puts on a smelly T-shirt that he sleeps in and seldom washes.

He yanks out my bladder and fills it with damn cold water and then slams it back into my crotch. This always pisses me off. Literally.

Then he puts on my sister, the mask, and connects the hose to my blowhole. Damn, his breath reeks. To make it worse, he will usually belch into my blowhole a few times.

He lies in the bed and I began pumping air into his face and trying to keep up with his erratic breathing.

Some nights he buffs the banana before he falls asleep and it becomes nearly impossible to keep up with his stupid breathing and grunting. Some nights I think, if he grunts "Judy" one more time, I am going to take my pressure up to 20 and blow his damn brains out.

Then he falls asleep quickly and his breathing becomes low and steady and my work is easy until he hits REM. Then I have to be alert to bump up the pressure so the jerk doesn't wake up and start belching again.

In the wee hours of the morning he awakens and begins stretching in the bed and passing gas. Sometimes he fills the room and I suck it in and almost pass out. Finally he reaches over and hits my stop button and I can rest again.

Then my master gets up, pulls that smelly T-shirt off and smiles at his fat ass in the mirror again. Some mornings he will pass gas again as he goes by the nightstand I sit on. Then it just settles on me and seems to stay forever. Much better for my fan to be blowing, take it in all at once and blow it out quickly.

Then another lonely day starts.

The life of a CPAP is not fun. So appreciate what we do for you.

viewtopic.php?f=1&t=105023&st=0&sk=t&sd=a

Spot on DeadlySleep!