very off topic with a little sort of on topic

[johnthomasmacdonald]

A foster dog i took in two years ago that was found wandering in the Bronx and no one ever stepped up to adopt, so i guess i adopted her ( never heard again from the foster agency) although i certainly fell in love with her, unexpectedly had to be put down yesterday. She initially survived surgery on sunday and was coming home yesterday but crashed early thursday. She was my shadow, she followed me everywhere and slept on my legs. I'm quite devastated by it and am having the worst atrial fibrilations of my life ( the reason for my ASV machine).

The Sort of on topic bit - with the grief i feel i was totally unable to wear the cpap mask last night, i felt like i was being smothered. It was the first time i ever gave up on cpap from my initial diagnosis in July 2012 and just went to sleep without it, not that i slept much.

ANyone else have a psychological cause for not using the cpap? I even borrowed a zanax from my sister to try to help me use it and i gave up after a couple of hours.

I ended up sleeping in this leather electric lounge chair which is for my sister who is severely handicapped and i care for ( my only reason for being in New Jersey)

PS - if anyone has any ideas on treating bedsores that won't heal - PLEASE PM ME, she's been home from the hospital since last august with them and i change them twice a day and if they are any better i don't see it - we go to the wound clinic every month but they don't seem to have a clue - plenty of co-morbitities here - sis has had Multiple Sclerosis since 20 ( she's around 70 - i'm 15 years younger) lymphedema ( which she says is way worse than the MS), one leg, colostomy, sub-pubic catheter, paralyzed from waist down and bed sores)

She was also on a respirator but i've weaned her off it and they closed the trach opening - docs were stunned that we pulled that off, but she can't sleep on her side due to breathing problems ( her O2 sat crashes)

I post this here because there are a lot of you here that I really like, really.

[PST]

I am very sorry to hear about your dog's unexpected passing. They are so much a part of our lives. The times when I am most likely to toss the mask aside are when I'm sad and just say, "what's the use." But there are people who need you, and maybe even another lost dog who needs you, so I hope you feel better soon. For what it's worth, most of us have happy, loving memories of our pets that bring joy long after the pain of their departures from this world has faded.

[Julie]

Oh so sorry! I lost one of my 2 cats in May and it's not much fun, expected or otherwise. Can't imagine living without 'them' (still miss my dogs from a few years ago).

I also hope you can find help with your sister and for you as caretaker... is there no agency/org. there that can help you out more and let you have more of your own time to deal with life? Probably a rhetorical question, but...

Do be careful about the mask - I know it can make you crazy, but there's crazy and then there's crazy on top of being half out of it, and that is probably a lousy place to be.

I have to tell you that I think you're great - haven't been around here long, but when you showed up, you were obviously bright, and trying to understand what was going on, and seem to have made it your business to do that and do it so well, though it probably doesn't feel that way now. I hope things get a bit easier soon and that you are able to manage. This 'family' will be here for you.

[Madalot]

I am so sorry about the loss of your dog and companion. I've been through that a lot myself in the last year or so. I lost one dog in Feb 2012 and our last dog last month. Heartbreaking for sure.

With all my medical issues and the emotional struggles with my adopted daughter (heartwrenching doesn't begin to cover that one) I know, all too well, the feeling of "Screw it! What's the point???" I have done it myself a few times.

It's not easy, but try to find the positives and focus on those. Your dog had a great two years with you. Because of you, the last two years of her life were with a human being that loved her. You should be proud of yourself for that.

We're all here for you. Reach out to any of us when you feel the need, k?

[kaiasgram]

ANyone else have a psychological cause for not using the cpap? I even borrowed a zanax from my sister to try to help me use it and i gave up after a couple of hours.

John, I'm sorry for your loss and yes I've had a psychological basis for not masking up. I am also going through a devastating loss and feel a lot of grief and anxiety. I'm not sure what the connection is with cpap but I too curled up in a recliner chair and have stayed in it all night for a few nights this week. My guess, at least for me, is that there is something about masking up and attaching to the machine that is sort of isolating in a way. Normally not a psychological barrier once we're used to the machine, but acutely felt during difficult times.

I continue to be impressed and moved by how you deal with everything that's going on in your life John. Heartfelt sympathy for all of it. Take care.

KG

[Goofproof]

Sorry for your loss. Every one needs a reliable friend, and a good dog fills that void better than most humans could. I've had five in my lifetime, they all had their faults, like their owner. It seems like they have the ability to know when you need their support the most, and step up tp fill the need.

Sounds like you and your sister have a full plate, I wish you both well. As caregiver, first you need to take care of yourself, you also need support for your sister's health. I hope you find another dog to fill the void, although no dog can totally replace your loss. Jim

[ems]

Very sorry to hear about the loss of your dog. Pets become family and when they get sick or pass, it's a huge loss.

Yes, without going into long stories, I certainly have/had psychological reasons for not wearing my mask. I agree with KG... feels like isolation or something like that. Hard to explain.

When you are ready, you'll mask up again. In the meanwhile, my best to you and your sister.

[chunkyfrog]

I want to hug away the hurt, you are a good kind person; hang on to the memory of the joy you had.

[The Choker]

The times when I am most likely to toss the mask aside are when I'm sad and just say, "what's the use." But there are people who need you,

Anytime you feel like that, just think, "The Choker needs me to tear his posts apart", put your mask on and have pleasant dreams.

It would not be the same without you.

[jnk]

A pet can feel almost like a part of us, maybe even more so than a child, to some. But in a different way. Maybe that's because the pet is more dependent on us and remains that way throughout its life. That can make the loss particularly devastating, I think, since we lose a role that we were playing all day every day for a time for that pet. Thus the loss of part of ourselves. And that can make it a double whammy that can sneak up on us in a very personal way, I think. Almost like the loss of a sick family member that we were a caregiver for. It makes us feel lost for a while, like we don't want to do anything normal, on top of all the grief.

But enough psychobabble from me.

Sorry to hear about the loss. And thanks for sharing such a personal post. It touched me.

I view hosing up as a comforting thing. I wear earplugs and enjoy hearing the sound of my own breathing and letting that lull me to sleep in slow motion. It feels almost womblike, even more than scuba to me. So I tend to crave the comfort of hosing up when I feel emotional loss. I have even been known to go lie down to hose up in the middle of the afternoon, without falling asleep, just for the comfort of it.

Wait, did I just admit that publicly in a forum?

Please forget that I posted that, OK?

Thanks again for this thread.

PST's mention of "happy, loving memories" brought back some for me. Nicely said, PST.

[Stormynights]

My mother had an air mattress that the pressure was constantly going up and down. I don't know what it was called but it was amazing for her. Maybe someone knows more about this and can at least tell you what it is called so you can look into it.

All we have is rescued dogs. I think they love you more. We now have 4. One we have had for 16 years and don't know how old she was when she came to us. She has heart problems and we know she hasn't got a lot of time left but we also realize that we gave each other a better life. We also have a Jack Russel that my husband kidnapped from neighbors that weren't taking care of her. She was abused and is the best little thing. We never have to scold her for anything. Even if necessary we probably wouldn't have the heart. The two younger dogs came last summer. We weren't sure they would live they were so starved. Now they look like they never missed a meal. We didn't go looking for them but they found us and they are all special and very precious.

You are a very special person to take care of your sister the way you do. I wish you the best.

[Zzzzzzzzzzz...]

So sorry to hear about this, on top of everything else. I feel and share your pain.

Z

[2 B Sleeping Soundly]

The loss of a truly beloved pet (read: beloved family member) can be especially hard as they can become for us all of the things we need but may not receive from those around us. The word that says it best for me is 'unconditional'! Their love for us is unconditional. Pleasing us is the goal of their existence. They mourn whether we are gone for a few minutes, an hour, or for the day, and greet us with unbounded joy when we return. All of this and more makes us putty in their paws, and for them owners of our hearts. Oh how we love them and willingly give them our hearts! They ask so little but give back so much, and all of it... unconditional. We are so blessed to receive it, better people for experiencing it, and because of it have memories of them that will last for eternity.

I truly feel John that you too are showing your sister unconditional love. Your devotion to her care, endless hours of taking care of her needs over your own, never giving up, are worthy of honor and respect.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your sister. May your love for her continue to see her through these extreme challenges.

John

[Stormynights]

The loss of a truly beloved pet (read: beloved family member) can be especially hard as they can become for us all of the things we need but may not receive from those around us. The word that says it best for me is 'unconditional'! Their love for us is unconditional. Pleasing us is the goal of their existence. They mourn whether we are gone for a few minutes, an hour, or for the day, and greet us with unbounded joy when we return. All of this and more makes us putty in their paws, and for them owners of our hearts. Oh how we love them and willingly give them our hearts! They ask so little but give back so much, and all of it... unconditional. We are so blessed to receive it, better people for experiencing it, and because of it have memories of them that will last for eternity.

I truly feel John that you too are showing your sister unconditional love. Your devotion to her care, endless hours of taking care of her needs over your own, never giving up, are worthy of honor and respect.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your sister. May your love for her continue to see her through these extreme challenges.

John

Very well said.

[RogerSC]

There are some very kind, empathetic people contributing their thoughts here (including the OP, of course). Having lost pets myself, I appreciate the thoughts of those that have posted, and they resonate with me, as well. Finding another dog in need of adoption and working with it will help your grief over your lost family member to some degree, and time helps, too, but she will never leave your thoughts or your heart. And, as has been mentioned, you may find that you're doing well on cpap once your immediate intense pain fades a little

Please do take care of yourself, I'm impressed how much you've given to help your sister, very selfless and loving of you. She's another part of your life whose care will distract you from your loss some.