Unsupportive Spouse

[Resister]

OK, maybe worse than unsupportive.....

The last few nights--my first on c-pap--my husband wasn't home so it was a good time for adjusting. Then tonight I told him I was getting ready to put it on and he made a joke. Needless to say, I'm not wearing it tonight.

I. Just. Can't.

We have no other place for me to sleep.

I'm so sad. In other respects he is a good husband. In theory he would say he doesn't want me to die young because of OSA but I guess he is immature in this area. And yes, I care what he thinks.

Has anyone else had a hard time with your spouse or significant other?

[rested gal]

Awwww, Resister, and you were doing so well.

Perhaps start thinking of some jokes to make back.

And think about this --

He's seen you without makeup. Right?

He's seen you in an old bathrobe and scruffy slippers. Right?

He's seen you preggers (perhaps.) Right?

He's seen you when you've been sick and your nose was runny. Right?

He's seen you when your hair wasn't at its best. Right?

You said he's a good husband. So, I'm betting he loves you for "you" -- not for what you're wearing. And that includes wearing a funny little "cpap" mask. After all, you two can cuddle and do "whatever" -- just like always. Then when you and he are ready to go to sleep, you just "mask up" and sleep well. If during the night there's more...ummm... "whatever" ... heck, it's easy to take the mask off, turn off the machine for awhile.

The trick is to not think of yourself as an invalid or a "patient" -- 'cause you really aren't.

Do you use reading glasses to help you see fine print? You don't think of that as making you a sickly person, do you?
If you use glasses, you're an "eyeglasses wearer." If your husband had never seen anyone (or you) wearing glasses, he might make a joke about that. Not meaning any harm...it would just strike him as funny looking until he got used to seeing you in them.

Needing to wear glasses sometimes doesn't make you undesirable. Needing to wear a cpap mask sometimes doesn't either. Both those things are superficial conveniences. For the convenience of reading better. For the convenience of breathing during sleep better.

Just like I think of myself as being an eyeglasses wearer, I think of myself as being a "cpap user."
I use glasses to help me read easily when I look at menus, telephone books, etc.
I use CPAP to help me breathe easily when I sleep.

When I've finished reading, I take the glasses off and go about my merry way.
When I've finished sleeping, I take the CPAP mask off and go about my merry way.

When you come right down to it, all you're using is a little fan to blow room air more directly toward your throat. The mask just makes the aim be more direct. I think your husband will get used to the idea and like what he starts seeing "CPAP" doing for you. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk with him about your feelings -- that it's still new to you, too, and that you're feeling a little sensitive about how it looks to him and what he thinks about it.

You'll do fine. You're just a CPAP user. And just for sleeping. A really good night time beauty treatment.

Beats getting ready for bed like this, doesn't it?

[bdp522]

The first time I put on my mask my husband also said something he thought was funny. I simply explained that I had to do this for my health and I needed him to help not hinder my success. No yelling, no tears, just a simple explanation. He has been totally supportive since.

Brenda

[BlackSpinner]

He is scared shitless by this. People joke in order not to face reality. Tell him his pecker is still there and you prefer to stay alive and if he feels like making a negative comment to check his pants first.

[indyredsfan]

It looks like all the other responses have been from women. Let me respond from a guy's perspective. I don't know your husband. Nor do I know what joke he made, but you were obviously very hurt by it. I know I often do not understand the emotional response my wife has to situations. We're often clueless in these areas. I often make jokes when dealing with new and uncomfortable situations. I've recently been diagnosed with sleep apnea, and I told my wife she would have to get used to sleeping next to Darth Vader.

Let your husband know how you feel about his perception of you using CPAP. Unless he's a total jerk, he'll likely be supportive and cut out what probably to him seem like meaningless jokes.

[justbreathe]

Forgive my bluntness but your husband is a cold hearten jerk. You would benefit form marriage counseling.

Don't worry about you finding another place to sleep. Sit down at the table hold his hands and tell him how he makes you feel. Tell him you will wear your cpap when you go to bed and if he can not support your use of this medically necessary treatment then he can sleep some place else.

[Demeter_Soul]

Resister, I'm sorry your feelings were so hurt and it's really sweet that what your husband thinks matters so much to you.
However, I think it may be time to pull out, and put on, those big-girl pants and either joke back with your husband or sit down with him and talk about the situation -- how hurt you were by his joke.
Your not using CPAP is only hurting you...and when it comes to health situations...vanity often must go out the window.
I'm hooked up to oxygen 24/7 so I have tubes on me at all times. I've got creases and lines on my face from the tubes and my mask. I've lost most of my hair. I've gained weight. Hell, I *wish* my family WOULD make some jokes -- joke around with me. Instead, it's like they just ignore my illnesses. I'm this big elephant in the room everyone ignores.
Even if they were making fun of me, big time, I'd STILL wear my mask...'cause I don't want to die.

Please have a sit-down with hubby and talk about this. Don't let one joke cause you to risk your health. You can work through this, I'm sure.

[ameriken]

Sorry, I know you've been having a difficult time getting going on this, but no sympathy this time. Unsupportive because he made a joke?

My wife jokes about me all the time, especially with how I look with the mask and hose on. It doesnt' bother me one bit, because this is a difficult adustment for her as well. She's got to go to bed hearing a machine that sounds like a ventilator in ICU for someone in a coma on life support, and has to look at me wearing this mask and hose all night long. So, I know it's hard for her to adust and perhaps joking is her way of dealing with it. Either way, there's no reason to get all bent out of shape with it. I'd say there's also no reason for you to get all bent out of shape with it either.

Next time he jokes about it, laugh. Laughter is good for the soul.

[Resister]

Thanks so much, you guys--for the sympathy, advice, and even the tough love. I need all of it!

I'm 100% exhausted today. My husband apologized when we woke up and acknowledges he said a stupid thing. It's a start.

Didn't realize I was such a wimp, or so vain, or...whatever it is that's a problem.

[Madalot]

My husband and I laugh and joke about this a lot. It's our way of coping. And because I AM on a ventilator (noninvasively thank goodness) with oxygen, our bedroom is kind of kind a hospital room.

He wants me to live and this is necessary for me to live. He may joke, but I just joke right back. I've even threatened to put the mask on HIM while he sleeps!

I really hope you can find a way to get to a point like we are -- you need it, you use it and you cope in any way you can to be okay with it.

[codinqueen]

Ignore him, and be healthy. How much does he actually see of you at night when it is dark? If it bothers you that much, wait in another room, watching TV or reading, 'till he is asleep, then when you are ready to sleep for the night, creep into the bedroom with a small flashlight and lie down, attach your mask, and start your machine. Also, when time comes for a new machine, go for a ResMed S9 auto CPAP, absolutely NO NOISE from the machine.
The CPAP therapy will make you feel so much better after a few months, any joking will be worth it for you, and you will not be offended so much by his silly jokes when you are better rested. This is one of the single most important things you can do to better your health and increase your life expectancy. Don't let the turkey get you down! And you can tell him I called him a turkey. Maybe he will think THAT is a joke.

[Resister]

Going to bed after he goes to sleep might be the best solution for now. Sigh. He often doesn't get home from work until after midnight, but until I get the routine down and my confidence up, it might be the only way!

[mayondair]

Resister, pretty soon this whole CPAP thing will be No Big Deal, Rested Gal , as always, is right , like a pair of glasses, a convenience for better sleeping, so put on some Big Girl Panties and joke with your hubby, it's an adjustment for him also . Or you can strangle him with the hose if he doesn't shape up It's only air, and only while you sleep. You can do this! kathy

[Julie]

Something else occurred to me - men can be impossible and it is possible he's like many others - they get embarrassed when faced with some things, even more so when it's about someone they love, so they say really dumb things and make jokes, so I'd consider that he might have been doing that when he said what he did and certainly didn't mean to upset you.

[islandboy5150]

Just wear it. Don't let what others say bother you, even if it's hubby. Shrug it off, one persons inconsiderate opinion shouldn't change what you have to do. Just ignore it, get in bed, put it on, turn it on, turn out the light, go to sleep and don't think about it. Or, you can tell him that it's better than being a middle aged bald headed male that will never get laid again. ( assuming all that lol) .