Well it appears I won’t be getting my coal shipment this year after all. Just got off the phone with Mrs. Clause where she was telling me Santa is a changed man after his visit with us this last year. Turns out the jolly old scam artist pulls the same trick every year so he can get an all expenses paid vacation. Slip on some ice here, get stuck in a chimney there and collect that work-elf’s comp check as a bonus.
Normally he just gets kicked to the curb after his hosts start seeing the bills from the Elves Gone Wild website. This year my brand of Santa extraction had made a huge impression on the big guy. He kept telling her how he ended up with this S&M family who decided to play their perverted games on him one night by strapping a mask on him. However, he did admit that he had one of the best night sleeps he has had in centuries.
So he decided that maybe he should try and recreate the experience at home. He was still a bit confused about what made him feel so good. The buzz around the pole was that the Kringle cookie was crumbling pretty bad. The stories of the ball gags, latex masks, sundry clamps and chains were making their rounds. Mrs. Clause said she finally put a stop to it when he showed up at her door wearing nothing but red stockings and a garter belt.
She did the research on the web and finally convinced him I wasn’t trying to torture him but cure him of his snoring. A quick call to the HMO and Kaiser-Permafrost scheduled him for Sleep Study the following August. Turns out that is his busiest production month so he decided to go the path of self therapy right from the start. He wasn’t going to let a little thing like a prescription keep him from his CPAP, especially with all that manufacturing capability at his disposal.
Never let it be said that those elves aren’t clever little buggers. Thinking elf power would do the trick they turned right to the bicycle department to see which pump would work best. Might of worked too, but when the missus got wind of it she shut them right down. Guess bouncing elves in the old man’s bedroom might just make his blood pressure too high.
The next clever idea was reindeer power. It was a bit noisy with those reindeer running in circles, but once you got past the smell it did do the trick. That was until Santa had a major Apnea event, where they got up to take off speed and ripped right through the roof. Just as well, considering the nose burn Santa was getting when Rudolph did his shift. Success was finally reached when they came up with a clock work CPAP. That ball gag came in handy when they had to quiet the cuckoo.
Now they did have a harder time coming up with an adequate mask. Couldn’t quite get the leather ones the old guy had to stop leaking. Maybe it was mistake to hand it over to the Novelty boys to put together, but they had read so much about the noises the masks make that Whoopie Cushion technology seemed the right way to go. After going through their extensive inventory they finally found the Stealth Cushion (all the fun of the Whoopee without the noise). A peppermint hose, some pine tree air fresheners dangling from it and it was good to go.
Old jelly belly had rough time at first. Condensation and artic temperatures collided to give him a real bad case of Snow Out. Unfortunately for the mice who were waxing their skis for a run at Mount Santa, the elves filled the humidifier with some hot chocolate and took care of the problem. The next night everyone slept peacefully as they had finally got rid of that annoying “Jingle Bells” concert he serenaded them with each night.
The new improved Santa woke up the next day and nothing has been the same since. He switched over to a low carb diet, took up Snow Aerobics and is considering becoming a spokesperson for CPAP therapy. Humming “Silent Night” as the work, the elves have increased toy production by 30%. Mrs. Clause says the only concern she has is when she sees the twinkle in his eye as he talks about modifying his mask with pantyhose.
The Santa CPAP
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2 posts
• Page 1 of 1