Results of apnea on my marriage

[Phil111one love]

My sleep apnea was at 72 ahi. The day I got the machine my life changed unfortunately that evening my wife asked for a separation. She felt and still does that I was being a lazy bum. Blamed myself for a good month letting her go out as I watched the kids. Found out she was having an affair. So crazy right now for me. I feel soooo good but I feel sooooo bad at the same time. I'm 5'6 weight was well over 200lbs, 3 months I'm at 170 and feeling I'm getting stronger but alas I'm a heartbroken mess. If not for the kids I don't know what I'd do.

[Uncle Flapp]

Sorry to hear, Phil. Many have gone through what you have - myself included. Best thing right now is focus on YOU and be there for your kids. Take care of yourself. See your doc about antidepressants and sleeping pills if needed. Get some exercise, keep yourself busy, and try not to dwell on things. Don't be afraid to seek out a therapist.

I am sure you realize the problems in your marriage were not caused by your apnea.

This board is not the best place for marital advice; however, when I went through something similar I found this site helpful: http://www.marriagebuilders.com. There is plenty of reading material and they have a discussion board for folks going through the same thing.

Best of luck.

- Flappy

[Goofproof]

Life can be hard, no solutions, at least you are getting the sleep apnea controlled, that will make you stronger for your kids. As far as the wife, better to lose her than live with her if she's not committed to you.. Jim

[Phil111onelove]

Thanks I'm just metaphorically setting up camp, fixing the house, painting doing the church thing. People don't really know how serious this condition is. I needed to post here cause you all know the feeling of wanting to do all sorts of thing but finding yourself falling asleep all the time and being irritable and thinking this is normal. I've never felt this normal before.

[Nick Danger]

It will get better (both the OSA and the heartbreak).

[kaiasgram]

Welcome to the forum, Phil. Nick is right. You will heal. It's good that your heartbreak is not keeping you from sticking with your PAP therapy. Your kids will benefit, but so will you.

I hope you'll register and hang out here a bit.

[archangle]

The best revenge is living well. And taking good care of the kids.

[RicaLynn]

The best revenge is living well. And taking good care of the kids.

Amen. I just recently started PAP therapy myself because as a single mom I need all the energy I can get to keep up with my precocious 7yo. I have very little support so it's just her and I and if I'm not well, we both suffer.

[kteague]

Yes, the symptoms that can come with having untreated sleep apnea can do all kinds of things to a relationship. What feels like drowning in a sea of fatigue to the sufferer can feel like rejection and loss of interest to the spouse. I don't know that this stands up to the "in sickness and in health" commitment when the spouse doesn't know it is a health issue, although "for better or worse" would still apply. Of course, ideally a spouse won't resort to an affair and I kinda hate to even put a "but" behind this, but if that spouse feels their partner has already emotionally and actively checked out of the relationship, to me the picture looks a little different. ( ducking the rotten tomatoes!) Not excusing her behavior or saying you should try to get her back, just adding another perspective on her infidelity. I think most marriages don't recover from this, and maybe she has totally moved on and her new relationship is more than an affair. Who knows? Some marriages do survive and even thrive. At this point, you are doing what you can to be healthy and very present in the lives of your children and to discover (or rediscover) who you are when you are not sleep deprived. Somehow even the most painful times in life tend to work themselves out in a way that leaves us more in tune with life on the other side of the initial pain and grieving process. Hope you like the "new and improved" version of you whether anyone else does or not. Hang in there.

[Spinner]

Sorry...my wife
Thought I was being distant...it was the OSA

[Amenite]

Thanks I'm just metaphorically setting up camp, fixing the house, painting doing the church thing. People don't really know how serious this condition is. I needed to post here cause you all know the feeling of wanting to do all sorts of thing but finding yourself falling asleep all the time and being irritable and thinking this is normal. I've never felt this normal before.

A broken heart will hurt you. Sleep apnea may kill you. Without knowing the whole situation I would say that there's a pretty good chance you're better off. When you're ready go ahead and let yourself be happy about your new life. It can open doors you never knew existed.

[sleeplessinaz]

Please listen to Uncle Flappy, it's true. Can't dwell on everything. Fix yourself first and go from there. My hubby diagnosed me with OSA. Yes, without sleep you are a different person. Don't give up hope, there is light at the end of the CPAP tunnel!

Carrie

[apw5746]

Phil,

I honestly understand your situation. My wife and I are legally separated, and it was devastating. 41 years down the drain. I knew I wasn't a good participant and my OSA didn't help the situation. It does get better. Life does go on. You will always have the kids in common. Hang in there and continue the CPAP therapy. PM me if you want to further discuss your plight. You can tell me how you lost all the weight too.

Pat

[Paralel]

As far as sleep apnea making one irritable, I find that hasn't changed much for me, but I'm just an irritable person is general.

[BlackSpinner]

Any chronic illness is hard on a relationship. It changes the dynamics and the roles. It takes some very strong and self aware people and a good support system to weather the transitions.