Denial. Why did you decide to try a CPAP?

[BlackSpinner]

Sleep deprivation does that. The denial of being tired is a classic symptom of it. So is the lack of compassion and one track mind. And yes he is showing total lack of compassion for his family by not being willing to treat his symptoms.

Make sure he has a good life insurance and a will and refuse to get into any cars with him or allow the children to be in the car.

[Ladyflower]

It took a little convincing for my husband. He often went to sleep before me. He snored very loudly and then would suddenly get quiet. Then he would take a gasp of air and start over again. He was always tired during the day, always took lots of naps. Even though I didn't know much about sleep apnea, I told him I thought he could have it. Then, he stayed overnight with some friends out of town. They heard it and told him the same thing I did. He was starting to come around to the idea. The final push was when he had neck surgery and was in the hospital. The machine kept beeping and the nurse said, "yes, he has sleep apnea." He did his sleep study, got his machine, and has been using it off and on for the last 1 1/2 years. He's still tired a lot, but I think that is from other health issues.

Me, I never denied the apnea. I was tired all the time and NEVER woke up feeling rested. I never even wanted to sleep because it seemed like it didn't matter if I slept since I was always tired. My husband also started telling me my snoring was really loud and keeping him up at night. I had also experienced several dreams that I would feel like I was suffocating or had the wind knocked out of me just before I would wake up. I know that was when I stopped breathing. Went through the diagnosis process and now I'm in my first week of using my machine.

I think the best advice of the previous posters is to record him while he sleeps. Show him the proof with his own eyes. Get some info on symptoms and show him. Tell him you're worried that he won't wake up one day. Tell him you will help him - call the doctor, make appointments, follow up with insurance. Ask that he just has the sleep study and if it shows nothing, then you will not bring it up again.

[Pugsy]

You can't make someone do something that they don't want to do because they will find every excuse in the world to not do it.

The little things that went in the nose during the sleep study...those were tiny tubes for measuring breathing. Pretty much the size of a nasal oxygen cannula. It he bitched about those...he most assuredly would bitch big time about a mask..nasal pillow or whatever ever because he just wants to find any old excuse to avoid cpap therapy. He just doesn't want to do it and until someone accepts the fact that it is needed...they will find every excuse in the world to not use it.

I even got out my big 2 X 4 and used it on my brother...and he is such a weenie he "can't sleep with it" and quit after one night simply because he doesn't want to make the effort and whacking him up the side of his head with all the damage that sleep apnea does....didn't knock any sense into that thick head.

This therapy isn't all that difficult for most of the population but it isn't without its challenges even under the best of circumstances and being in denial or just not wanting to put forth the effort is a recipe for making mountains out of mole hills in regards to little issues with cpap therapy.

One must first accept the fact that there is a problem and want to fix the problem to have any chance in hell of being successful. So when someone won't accept the fact that there is a problem...we can't even get to the "want to fix the problem" stage.
My brother knows there is a problem but doesn't want to fix it.

[prion]

I had trouble with tiredness and daytime sleepiness for years. I snored. Then I feel asleep at the wheel twice.
No accidents but close calls. I worked as a sysadmin/IT for a group of 15 dentists. One was involved with
making snoring appliances. I was setting up his software for a pulse oximeter. He asked if I wanted to take it
home and test it. I took it home and brought him the results. He told me that something must be wrong
with the device and to try another time. I did. I had many bad desaturations again. He made me an appliance.
It worked, but not sufficiently. So I purchased a CPAP off craigslist and started studying. My first night was
48 AHI. I played around with the pressure until I got nights with no OSA only centrals. More pressure adjustments
left me with weeks of under 1.0 AHI now some nights I even get a 0.0 but all under 1.0 unless I take opiate
painkillers or have a big leak. Then it goes as high as 10 AHI. If I need the painkiller, taking it no later than 1PM
stops all the centrals it causes. I moved from a medium Mirage Quattro to a small and now it works perfectly
no matter what position I'm in. So I'd say I'm "cured"

[HerbM]

Like Bama Rambler, I didn't have what most people classically expect from OSA (not particularly tired, not falling asleep unexpectedly, no confusion, no memory loss, no headaches, etc.)

I snored (according to my wife, who I believed, but is was unsubstantiated by any other witness ).

My wife never reported a stoppage in my breathing. I snored. That was the only direct symptom.

BUT, I was also overweight (some of the time), had hypertension, and AFib. Even my cardiologist didn't "get it" when very few of the classic symptoms were present.


Why get CPAP therapy? Most due to better heart health and for better and longer health in general. Also, on the chance to improve how I feel despite not noticing an issue.

There are basically two direct reasons to do CPAP:

1) Feel better (stop feeling bad)

2) Live healthier and longer

Yes, he is in denial.

He may also be using this as an EXCUSE (conscious or unconscious) to avoid helping you, or to escape his other worries about having a large family and not having a job.

It is his duty as a husband to do his share to take care of you, the children, AND HIMSELF.

This includes taking care of his own health, and helping to care for all of you.

If he want do this then you have other problems.

With respect, you may have marital issues beyond simply the apnea.

Since this is presented primarily as a health problem it is easy to miss the fact that he isn't doing his duty as a husband and as a father, and you cannot MAKE him do that.

This is a serious marital problem that needs attention and perhaps couples therapy which he will likely resist with at least as much fervor.

If you and he have close family and friends available consider holding an intervention (similar to those held for alcoholics.)

[Tiredofhubby]

I want to thank you all so much for your stories and advice. It's amazing how much just knowing that I'm not overreacting and that others understand -he acts like I'm talking about new age magic medicine fads- helps me to cope. To answer a few questions, he is classified as "obese" though he doesn't look it, he had oxygen desaturation of 15.7 per hour and an oxygen nadir of 81%. His AHI was 19/hr mostly obstructive hypopnoeas. He admits he has had instances of micro sleeping while driving but makes excuses for this (I had a late night etc). He does do housework and look after the kids, however he will require a nap immediately afterwards, and his idea of watching the kids is always movies on the couch, which he will then nap through. He claims his "napping" is always because he is still and bored, a long as he is active he's fine. However he also dozes off often and doesn't remember doing so, as I stated in my origional post. Job wise, he was made redundant from a dying industry, he thinks he cannot learn anything new because he finds it too hard to focus in a class environment an gets headaches when he tries... which I'm now thinking (after reading your responses) could be related to the poor sleep. I will continue to mention it, or gently nag as one of you noted, I don't constantly go on about it, but I'm not about to let it go either. He has a pretty pushy family, as is mine, and they all tell him he's lazy. Personally I feel it's more than that, if he was lazy he would slack off when there was work to be done and enjoy himself when there's not, but when the kids are in bed and he's psyched about watching a new movie... Snooooore. Plus given the fights we have when he does fall asleep while talking to me or watching a movie with me, I think if he could stay awake, he would. Anyway, I really really apreceate all your kind words, I know I have a long path ahead of me before he accepts it. Baby steps, I'm going to push for a trial of a CPAP, then if he finds it helps, the balls in his court, and if it doesn't, I'll have to face the situation for what else it could be.

[johnthomasmacdonald]

I had the "advantage" that the first i ever heard of sleep apnea was from a friend of the family - Ann Marie - who lived in North Carolina had like 5 kids and was one of the most active and involved persons i've ever met - a true fireplug. She was in her late 40s. FIrst she or anyone knew of this, she didn't wake up one morning. WHen they finally got her conscious, she had suffered fairly severe brain damage. To guesstimate, she went from an IQ of like 130 to one of about 70-80. And the worst was that she Knew it, she was totally aware of what she had lost - it was SOOOO SAD. After that she slept with cpap and O2 every night but still only lived about 5 more years. SO when i began to think that i might have it, i called for a home test like the next day

[djhall]

I had the "advantage" that the first i ever heard of sleep apnea was from a friend of the family - Ann Marie - who lived in North Carolina had like 5 kids and was one of the most active and involved persons i've ever met - a true fireplug. She was in her late 40s. FIrst she or anyone knew of this, she didn't wake up one morning. WHen they finally got her conscious, she had suffered fairly severe brain damage. To guesstimate, she went from an IQ of like 130 to one of about 70-80. And the worst was that she Knew it, she was totally aware of what she had lost - it was SOOOO SAD. After that she slept with cpap and O2 every night but still only lived about 5 more years. SO when i began to think that i might have it, i called for a home test like the next day

How sad and awful for her and her family. Unless you happen to know someone like that or are immersed in this world like the regulars on this forum are, it is hard to believe this can be as serious as it is. I really had a hard time taking the reports of brain damage, heart complications, and premature death too seriously until I saw the waveform graphs from my first few nights when I had far too little pressure. I was sitting at my computer watching at my breathing get shallower and flat-line for a while... then there would be these huge spikes as I took giant gasps of air... and then they would settle down, shallow out, and flat-line again... over and over and over. It scared me to realize, "Oh my god, I'm watching myself stop breathing and start to suffocate. Those are adrenaline fueled panic attacks waking me up is the only thing keeping me alive. The day my adrenal system can't keep doing this I'm not waking up." Heart failure made a lot more sense when I realized I my heart was racing and I was having fight-for-your-life panic attacks for 1/3 of every day.

I haven't slept in a bed without the hose since.

[zoocrewphoto]

I thought of a o couple other things.

As I mentioned before, I knew I had it for at least 10 years. I thought it was just waking up a lot, and since I never got enough hours in bed anyway, it just seemed like more of the same problem, and i was dealing with it fine. I didn't really grasp that it was oxygen damage and long term damage.

My family told me I snored. Especially my sister who would yell at me multiple times a night whenever we shared a hotel room. I hated it, because the only way for her to sleep was for me to be awake. And she was grumpier than me on less sleep, so it was best for me to be awake and her asleep. One awesome side effect of using a cpap machine is happy sister and NO yelling. Anyway, I had actually already planned to tell my doctor about my sleep apnea at my next appointment (that was scheduled in a week or so) when I shared a hotel room with a good friend. I had warned her that I snore badly before letting her agree to share a room with me. She said no problem. The next morning, she asked me how soon I was going to teh doctor. I asked if it was that loud. She said no, but it was really scary. Nobody, even my sister, had told me that it was scary. That would have helped.

The two main reasons I avoided diagnosis (and thus treatment) for so many years were these:

As a severe night owl, I assumed I would never sleep during a sleep study. My mom's sleep study was 10pm to 5am. I normally go to bed between 4 and 6am. So, I figured there was no point in a sleep study. In reality, the doctor prescribed an ambien, and the sleep study said I could stay up til midnight (I actually went to bed at 11pm and slept pretty quickly), and they didn't wake me until 8am. I was also able to bring a blanket to sleep in (my bed at home has blankets, no sheets, so when I travel, I put a blanket in the middle for me), and my own pillow. The sleep study was in a room that looked like a hotel room. There was a camera up in the corner, but no windows. It was nothing like my preconceived notions of a sleep study.

I also mistakenly believed that you had to sleep with a nasal mask and that the machines were loud. My mom always had nasal masks, and her machine was loud. I hate white noise, and I am a mouth breather, 100% at night. So, no way I could use that loud machine or nasal mask. Why bother even trying. I dreaded my sleep study, but by the time i finally confessed my sleep apnea, I was more terrified of a stroke than the machine, so I made myself do it. The tech fitted me for a full face mask and had me use it for about 10 minutes while sitting in bed before the diagnosis phase. That way, in the middle of the night, it wouldn't be such a shock. The mask fit great, didn't leak (the tech was awesome), and I sat there wondering, THIS is what I have been terrified of? During the titration phase, I rolled over and slept over 5 hours straight. I struggled at home with mask fit and various leak issues. But the study itself went so well that I came home knowing that it should have done it many years earlier, and the machine was not the scary monster I had assumed it to be.

I really think if people could try on a mask and feel the pressure (at say 6-8) in a regular doctor's office, they wouldn't be so reluctant to try a sleep study. It really isn't as bad as we expect it to be.

[breakfast]

I was diagnosed at 17. My machine was used for exactly three hours.

At 24 years old, I had a baby. I also had a TIA. These were related events, and while the cause of the TIA was pre-eclampsia, I was warned rather strongly that refusal to comply with CPAP therapy would certainly lead to another, and this one perhaps not as transient. I bought a new machine and logged a few months on it but washed out eventually.

At 28, I had a car accident. I was rear ended at a stoplight in my little Mini Cooper, which wasn't designed to be hit that hard from behind. My brain sloshed around my skull causing a moderate injury, and it took four months of therapy to be back at just 90%. I was told that poor oxygenation would make full recovery difficult, if not impossible. And yet I didn't dust off the machine.

At 29 years old, I was told rather frankly, after a sleep study where my AHI was 140 and my oxygenation in the 70s, that I was going to die. Just like that. Treat this, or you will die. Soon.

I am particularly attached to being alive and now, even though therapy isn't perfect, I see the value in it. It isn't without it's struggles but it's a lot better than the alternative.

[palerider]

So every night I listen to my husband whistle in an out as he breathes, before pausing for a minute, and gasping and coughing, then whistling some more.
Thanks for any advice, I don't want to be the naggy wife, but my understanding is if left untreated that it gets worse.

I suggest video of his escapades, "I was not asleep!" *presses play* "oh? then who is that what looks like you and was snoring so much and jerking around just now?"

[The Latinist]

I've been putting off urging by my wife and especially my mother (who had experience with a husband with sleep apnea) and gentle prodding from my doctor for years. In my case I had the excuse "I had a sleep study fifteen years ago and they found nothing" -- of course, I was high school athlete then, not an overweight middle-aged man. I had watched my father, a very fit man, develop atrial fibrillation, be diagnosed with sleep apnea, and suffer with a brick that didn't fully control his apnea for years. I even had several arrhythmias myself over the last decade, and last year I even made it to the hospital while it was ongoing and was diagnosed with SVT.

Then, about six weeks ago, my father died in his sleep of a stroke. He was 61 years old and in the best shape he'd been in in decades.

I've been using my S9 Autoset for two weeks, now.

[somnolentdoc]

I've always intuitively recognized I've had a problem with sleep. I can never recall waking up well rested. When I entered medical school I weighed 195lbs at 12% BF. I didn't snore and I certainly never had anyone tell my I stopped breathing during sleep.

Along the way, by a combination of having my posterior planted in a chair and reading for 6 hours a day, and turning to junk food and energy drinks to keep going I gained 45lbs. My girlfriend my 2nd year started complaining of me snoring. After taking to some patients with OSA when I did an ENT/facial plastics clerkship, I decided I needed a sleep study.

[70sSanO]

Tell him man up!

13 years ago I was tired and my blood pressure was going up and I was pretty active in sports. My doctor noticed my blood pressure was the highest in the morning so he ordered a sleep study.

I feel like I was one of the lucky ones because I didn't have any denial. Got the machine and a FFM (mouth breather) and decided I was just going to do this.

I don't have a lot of patience for people who refuse to accept the truth and ignore a medical condition. There are people out there who are doing everything they can to treat whatever medical issue they may have. And then there are those who wuss out.

I like BlackSpinner's comments about a good life insurance policy and a will.

John

[LinkC]

Mine was so severe I was desperate to find the cause. Yes, I struggled with a man for a while, but quitting wasn't an option.

Tell him it's either CPAP or doubling his life insurance. Cause that's the blunt truth.