Hi, i've been missing for quite awhile

[johnthomasmacdonald]

John,

We don't know each other but I am so sorry for your loss. We have all lost someone we loved deeply and faced guilt over or actions or non-actions. What you have written touched me deeply. I have a younger brother who cares nothing for me or anyone else. Your sister was blessed to have you to love and care for her as you were to have her. I would love to have that type of relationship with my only brother. She sounds like she was a lovely person.

I am praying for comfort for you in this difficult time. Your sister is at peace and with the Lord and would be unhappy if she knew you are suffering. Treasure the good memories. In time, God takes away the pain and leaves us with those.

With deep sympathy,

J

Jaye, thank you so much for your concern, it really does help a lot

but i REALLY let her down at a critical moment

and now i've lost one of my best friends - a friend who ALWAYS supported me and would have given me everything she had, every possession and every cent and her life ( i have NO doubt about that)- and now i find ( from comments of her friends upon hearing of her death)- that she bragged about me to all of her friends and basically EVERYONE that she came into contact with- about how great and brilliant i was. Apparently all the time for decades - no one could say anything even slightly critical of me around her. She was 13 years older than me and had Multiple sclerosis since she was 20 and was told to never have children - and her husband, an ex-Marine Sniper was kind of a jerk and thus didn't encourage her to go against doctor's recommendation - but from what her friends now say, it seems she saw me as more of a son than a brother, and i screwed up at a crucial moment because i was feeling lazy and depressed that night

well....i wasn't either

[johnthomasmacdonald]

"well....i wasn't either" meaning great or brilliant in any way - i was a jerk

[zoocrewphoto]

I know the dance, John. And you also know that it might not have made any difference except that she died at home in her own bed.

So true.

My grandmother died at home, the morning after a trip the ER and being sent home "fine". That was almost 20 years ago. Sometimes, they just can't find anything obvious, and there isn't much we can do. For my grandmother, she died at home with her dog curled up next to her. My uncle actually came and sat in room with coffee for an hour, not realizing she had passed.

I know it is hard to avoid the what if game and the blame game, but try not to do it. Grieve for her loss, and celebrate her life. She wouldn't want you to suffer with guilt. And like she said above, it is quite possible that she would have died at the same time, only in the hospital.

[49er]

John, my deepest sympathy for your loss.

HUGS!

49er

[johnthomasmacdonald]

I know the dance, John. And you also know that it might not have made any difference except that she died at home in her own bed.

So true.

My grandmother died at home, the morning after a trip the ER and being sent home "fine". That was almost 20 years ago. Sometimes, they just can't find anything obvious, and there isn't much we can do. For my grandmother, she died at home with her dog curled up next to her. My uncle actually came and sat in room with coffee for an hour, not realizing she had passed.

I know it is hard to avoid the what if game and the blame game, but try not to do it. Grieve for her loss, and celebrate her life. She wouldn't want you to suffer with guilt. And like she said above, it is quite possible that she would have died at the same time, only in the hospital.

It seems she died of sepsis from a bladder infection, she almost certainly would have lived

[johnthomasmacdonald]

John, my deepest sympathy for your loss.

HUGS!

49er

Thanks 4 am and i'm still up - i may have come up with the "cure" for sleep apnea - NEVER SLEEP

[zoocrewphoto]

I know the dance, John. And you also know that it might not have made any difference except that she died at home in her own bed.

So true.

My grandmother died at home, the morning after a trip the ER and being sent home "fine". That was almost 20 years ago. Sometimes, they just can't find anything obvious, and there isn't much we can do. For my grandmother, she died at home with her dog curled up next to her. My uncle actually came and sat in room with coffee for an hour, not realizing she had passed.

I know it is hard to avoid the what if game and the blame game, but try not to do it. Grieve for her loss, and celebrate her life. She wouldn't want you to suffer with guilt. And like she said above, it is quite possible that she would have died at the same time, only in the hospital.

It seems she died of sepsis from a bladder infection, she almost certainly would have lived

Sorry to hear that it was something that could have been treated. Of course, it doesn't mean that the ER would have figured out what it was in time. She must have had the sepsis already when you went the first time, and they didn't find it then.

I know I always second guess everything when something bad happens. Once, I even learned a few years after my cat died that I most likely killed him when I tried to help him. You see, I followed the instructions in a medical book for cats to give pepto bismal, not knowing that the product had been changed since the book was printed, and it was no longer safe for cats. He died the next day. A few years later, I had another cat with diarrhea, and I couldn't find the book (thankfully), so I went to google to look up the dosage. Every link on the first page had major warnings never to give to a cat. There I sat, just realizing that in my attempt to help my cat, I had killed him.And I almost risked killing another cat. That was about 15 years ago that the cat died, and about 9 years I have known what happened. I still grieve, but I don't blame myself anymore. I made an educated decision that happened to be wrong. Sometimes we do feel responsible for something even though we never meant (or had any reason to expect) anything bad to happen. We have to forgive ourselves and do our best to focus on the good memories.

[49er]

John, my deepest sympathy for your loss.

HUGS!

49er

Thanks 4 am and i'm still up - i may have come up with the "cure" for sleep apnea - NEVER SLEEP

Totally understandable that you would still be up.

John, without you, your sister wouldn't have lived nearly as long as she did. I hope you can find comfort in that eventually.

49er

[Madalot]

John,

Please accept my deepest sympathies on the loss of your sister.

I've read every post and feel your pain and anguish. Even if you did screw up (which I don't think you did) you did the best you could in that moment. The hospital sent her home. You had to decide whether to wait for her PCP or attempt the hospital again. In that moment, you and your sister made a decision to wait. It was a decision many of us would have made as well.

I understand why you feel so guilty and blame yourself. I think any of us would feel that way. But in the end, please try to come to the realization that you did the best you could under the circumstances at that time. We all have hindsight vision and would change things like if we could.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. It's going to be painful for a long time, especially with that extra burden you have of feeling responsible. And while I understand it, please don't let it eat you to the point of becoming toxic. I'm sure your sister wouldn't want that.

[jdr999]

Hi John,

I'm so sorry.

And yes, you're guilty of exactly the same thing we're all guilty of -- we're only human. Hindsight is always our worst enemy. We need to be satisfied for all the good we've done and knowing we did the best we could. And yes, you did the best you could. No one can ask for more than that.

Perhaps you weren't feeling your best..
Maybe the medical professionals overlooked something..
Maybe it was just time..

It's only hindsight that's eating away at you. It's not going to make you feel any better but things happen that are out of our control. We can't change that -- we just have to learn to accept it.

You were obviously one of the most important parts of her life and she was very proud of you. That will never change! Be happy that you made such a positive difference in her life

[jaye8898]

John, If I may, you are making a very wise decision to seek help. There are five stages of grief and guilt is one of the way we humans try to take control of our loss. It's a defense mechanism we use to protect us from the pain we are feeling. Whether you believe in a loving God or not, we are not in control of when we die. It may be that the condition your sister had was treatable but if it was her time to go home, it was her time. Nothing you did or didn't do can change that.

When I lost my Mom years ago, I was bereft because I had advised my Dad, who in his grief was having a hard time making decisions, that the morphine should be increased. The doctor had warned us that increasing the pain killers would inhibit her respiratory system and cause her to die sooner. I just couldn't see why my dear mother should have to suffer anymore. She was going to die anyway. It took a while to deal with that even though I knew I had made the right decision. I had no control of my mother's death but I could see that she did not die in pain. Your sister was able to die at home and that is a blessing.

I don't know if reading about the grief process would help but here is a link with a brief summary about the stages of grief:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stage ... ief/000617

Hopefully, my awkward attempt to help has not caused you further pain. Sometimes it helps me to understand why my thought and emotions are headed a certain way, but I'm not sure that is true for everyone.

You and your family are in my prayers. Take care.

[HoseCrusher]

John, Grief is not logical so feel free to judge yourself in the harshest light.

The truth is that you cared enough to try to help her. You were there with her and she had a much better life because you were around. The fact that you cared trumps any momentary screw up you think you may have done.

I have had a lot of experience with death. It never gets easier and there is always the nagging question of what else I could have done.

I firmly believe that when you finally pass over your sister will meet you at the pearly gates, smother you with love and give you the biggest hug you have ever had. There will never be a mention of blame.

I am so sorry this happened. Take some time to process it and then get on with your life. You still have some time left and will emerge from this much stronger than you were before. Use that strength to help others and remember that your sister will continue to be very proud of you.

If there is anything I can do to help you through this, let me know.

[Sir NoddinOff]

Hey John, we should sit down in a bar somewhere and compare war stories over a few bottles of beer. Your year sounds just about like mine... my sister with terminal Alzheimer's tho. Good luck putting it behind you

[codinqueen]

Hi John. I am very sorry for your loss, but please don't think you caused your sister to die. You were there for her probably all your life, and I'm sure you helped her more than you will ever know. UTI with sepsis is VERY difficult to treat, and is worse for ill, handicapped or elderly people. I don't know how old or young your sister was, but you did mention she has been ill. Even if they had admitted her to the ER, if her time had come, sometimes nothing they could have done would have helped her or saved her. She made the decision to wait to see her PCP, because if she had said No, you would have taken her anywhere to be cared for medically, and she knows that. You have to cut yourself some slack, you have had your ups & downs recently- sounds like more downs than ups. You have been a wonderful supportive brother to her, and I am sure she is grateful. Only God knows when he wants to take us back to Him, He only loans each of us out to our loved ones for the time He decides. When it is time, He takes us back to His heavenly home, where we have no more pain or sickness. The weak will run and smile and fly around the heavens, whole and well. When she meets you on the other side there will be joy. Please don't blame yourself for her death, it was her time. God wanted her back. May He wrap His loving arms around you and give you peace since the loss of 2 very important people in your life, and your recent difficulties. I am praying for Him to give you peace and understanding, and for the speedy repose of your sister's soul. God bless you & be with you. I wish either of my brothers would be more like you.

Get some Sleepytime Tea at the supermarket, and make yourself a cup before you go to bed. It will relax you so you can get some rest. Things look up when we are rested. Feel better soon!

[kteague]

Finally had some time to read this thread, and I'm deeply saddened by all you've been going through, and especially the loss of your beloved sister. Sometimes in life we have regrets that bring a host of emotions to sort through. Grief alone is difficult enough, add regret and guilt to the grief and it is just agonizing. Maybe a bit further down the road you will find yourself speaking words of wisdom and experience to someone who will be more in tune to the needs of others because of what you share. Even now someone reading this may be prompted to handle a family situation differently. I know I have been newly reminded to try to be more attentive to what people tell me about how they are feeling. Will you ever stop blaming yourself - maybe not, but time and healing will give you perspective, and I do hope that perspective leans towards being a bit more gracious to yourself. Forty years ago my husband was killed. Our last words were an argument on the phone, one that was clearly of my making. His death happened at a time he would have been with me, had he not been avoiding a face to face confrontation with me to finish our discussion. Did I ever stop bearing guilt over that? No. But I definitely became a much better person out of it. Hang in there.