Hi, i've been missing for quite awhile

[johnthomasmacdonald]

Just thought I check in and say hello. It's been the worst couple of months of my life: let's see - developed lymphedema, bleeding ulcers, fell and separated shoulder, fell again on ice and broke ribs and wrist, need both hips replaced, need both knees replaced and my shoulder rebuilt, lost my job, and on monday my sister that i was trying to take care of died and I did a really poor job of looking after recently ( took her to the ER two saturdays ago and they refused to admit her saying that she was fine - that her heart (did an EKG) and lungs were terrific and thus when she was feeling bad on monday, i asked her if she could wait till her GP got in since he had the power to admit her and she sad yes and that she was feeling better and then died here at home a couple of hours later) and I am feeling so sad and guilty about it that i've only slept about 5 or 6 hours since then. I really really miss her.

[Pugsy]

Oh John, I am so sorry for your loss.
Not much I can say or do but send some prayers and a big hug your way.

[chunkyfrog]

{{{{HUG}}}}

[BlackSpinner]

Oh John {{{{Hugs}}}}

You did the best you could. Nobody could have done better (except for the ER people who sent her home) It was also her choice to wait for the GP and save you that work. Honour that choice of hers.

Now it is the time to focus totally on yourself. Take your time to grieve and to heal emotionally a bit before taking any big steps.

[johnthomasmacdonald]

Oh John {{{{Hugs}}}}

You did the best you could. Nobody could have done better (except for the ER people who sent her home) It was also her choice to wait for the GP and save you that work. Honour that choice of hers.

Now it is the time to focus totally on yourself. Take your time to grieve and to heal emotionally a bit before taking any big steps.

That's the problem, she NEVER wanted to be a burden on me so she would never complain and always try to make it easy on me - i should have realized that when she said she needed to go to the hospital that IT WAS REALLY BAD. Even now, if a thousands MDs said that it was all my fault, she'd never blame me, she'd say: " oh that's OK, don't worry about it ". I was just worn out and depressed that day and was moving as slow as molasses ( the wrist and ribs are fine now and no excuse) - i thought too much of my own comfort and she paid the price.

[kaiasgram]

John, what sacrifices you made and how lovingly and steadfastly you cared for your sister, it has always taken my breath away. I am so sorry for what you are going through now. Support and hugs coming your way. Wishing you comfort in all sorts of large and small ways.

kaiasgram

[ems]

John... don't do this to yourself. This is NOT what your sister would have wanted. She wouldn't have wanted to bring a burden of guilt upon you! It was her time and maybe she felt you had more than enough to handle. Honor her wishes. Sending positive thoughts to you at what I know is a very difficult time.

[BlackSpinner]

I was just worn out and depressed that day and was moving as slow as molasses ( the wrist and ribs are fine now and no excuse) - i thought too much of my own comfort and she paid the price.

"Worn out and depressed" is not the same as "thought too much of my own comfort". I am a caregiver too John, my mother is at the point where we have been assigned a doctor who comes to the house. and yes it has been a long hard winter. And I gave her my cold this week, now I am waiting what will happen.

I know the dance, John. And you also know that it might not have made any difference except that she died at home in her own bed.

[kaiasgram]

Lena is so right. You get to be human in this, John. You deserve compassion, not self-reproach.

[johnthomasmacdonald]

Lena is so right. You get to be human in this, John. You deserve compassion, not self-reproach.

seriously, i was there, I REALLY screwed up. I'll never really get over this, i'll try to move on because i have to for friends and other family but i will blame myself every day for the rest of my life. I couldn't do differently if i wanted to - and i do want do. All i can do is try to learn from it and try to translate it into something positive for others ( i have no idea how to do this right now). And the world really is a worse place without her in it - no one noticed how amazing she was because of all the physical deformities she had ( that's why they wouldn't admit her - in the ER terminology she was a GOOMER - "Get Out Of My Emergency Room". BUt i knew her, i know about 20 nobel laureates and she was a more interesting human being than any of them in my opinion. She read about a book a day and spent 40 years as a social worker for Child abuse and neglect in New York CIty-eventually becoming an area director. MANY MANY kids are now adults rather than dead or a zombie because she never played the climb the career ladder game but only cared about the kids, would fight anyone over the kids - including Rudy Gulliani on one memorable day when he called the house looking for her. BUt i can't pretend that i didn't know how screwed up our medical system is when it comes to dealing with the handicapped with Chronic illnesses. ANd while they screwed up, so did I and i loved her, they didn't

[kaiasgram]

seriously, i was there, I REALLY screwed up.

And guess what, John, you still deserve compassion.

You don't have to know how to create something positive out of this while you're still in the depths of shock and sorrow. You will find your way through all this, but it will take time.

Right now the thing you feel you screwed up is the only thing you can see in front of you -- but when you're ready I hope you'll start to reflect on all the wonderful ways in which you cared for her, fought for her, and enriched her life. And all those amazing things she did for the kids and others... she did in part because she had a brother like you.

Offered with care, respect and empathy.

[jaye8898]

John,

We don't know each other but I am so sorry for your loss. We have all lost someone we loved deeply and faced guilt over or actions or non-actions. What you have written touched me deeply. I have a younger brother who cares nothing for me or anyone else. Your sister was blessed to have you to love and care for her as you were to have her. I would love to have that type of relationship with my only brother. She sounds like she was a lovely person.

I am praying for comfort for you in this difficult time. Your sister is at peace and with the Lord and would be unhappy if she knew you are suffering. Treasure the good memories. In time, God takes away the pain and leaves us with those.

With deep sympathy,

J

[ems]

You have to begin to come to grips with this, John. Think about the things you loved about her so much, maybe seek help with a professional.

In a way I had a similar situation with my father. It took me a long time to get over it but I finally did. I had to keep telling myself over and over that I did the best I could and my dad wouldn't have wanted me to go through life with the enormous guilt I felt. Your sister wouldn't want this for you either. Please allow a little peace for yourself.

[johnthomasmacdonald]

You have to begin to come to grips with this, John. Think about the things you loved about her so much, maybe seek help with a professional.

In a way I had a similar situation with my father. It took me a long time to get over it but I finally did. I had to keep telling myself over and over that I did the best I could and my dad wouldn't have wanted me to go through life with the enormous guilt I felt. Your sister wouldn't want this for you either. Please allow a little peace for yourself.

I have called a shrink about an appointment - based on internet reviews, she looks good but i'm still waiting to get an appointment - seems that they are backed up

ANd like i said, the fact that i know that my sister wouldn't have blamed me in any way and would want me to not feel bothered for even a second makes it worse - that tolerance and forgiveness should have been rewarded RATHER than taken advantage of - the fact that i knew that she NEVER EVER complained or criticised me in ANY way played a role in this disaster by letting me rest up a bit rather than running since i knew that she wouldn't complain - I was there, I REALLY screwed up REALLY

[Stormynights]

I have a wonderful and loving brother. I know that he will always be there for me no matter what. It would break my heart if I thought he would ever have any regrets for the love and support he has given to me all of my life. I would want him to just remember me fondly with no regrets.

John I am sure your sister was a better person than I am and she would want the same things and more for you. None of us are perfect and in hindsite we can see thing differently. Don't dishonor her memory by trashing yourself.