OSA: damages your body and relationships

[yankee_hoser]

Ive seen alot of posts on people getting help with OSA and their cpap therapy, but what i am interested in hearing about are stories from pre-therapy. possibly even before diagnosis.

Lack of good rem sleep can create a very grouchy and maladjusted individual. I am having trouble sorting out what problems in my life/relationship are caused by outside stresses, the effects of sleep deprivation, or if i myself am being simply being an A$$.

I am interested in hearing about those that are now in therapy and can reflect on their pre-cpap life. Knowing now that you were under the crushing weight of sleep deprivation, can you identify/discuss just how your sleep apnea affected you and your ability/inability to maintain a healthy relationship.

[NotLazyJustTired]

First off, my bride and I will be celebrating our 30th anniversary this year, so needless to say, we have figured out how to get along.
However, the OSA has put a strain on our relationship over the past several years. As my screen name indicates I projected at least the impression of being lazy. She never came right out and used that word, but it was always implied in statements like, "Nothing is getting done around here" or "Are you going to mow the lawn this year?". Stuff like that. Most of the time I just pushed through the fatigue and did the best I could.

My best advice to anyone struggling with a relationship due to the effects of long term OSA is education. When I brought the results of the sleep study home, I will confess that neither my wife or I really understood everything the doc was telling me (and a lot he didn't tell me). But my wife is a lot like me, she likes to dig in and understand things. The turning point was the following day when I got home from work and she said to me, "I've been on the internet. The reason you are so tired all the time is all of those RERAs." She has been completely supportive ever since. And now that my energy is coming back, stuff is getting done and BTW, I've already mowed the lawn this year!

[MS Gray Man]

Well in the simplest terms it impacted everything... Yeah it's that simple. Face it, when getting through a day takes at or near 100% of what energy and focus you have, there is nothing left for all the other things that consume energy and focus.

Even today after being on therapy for a year and a half, I notice the days where I don't get as much rest as I should have. The difference now is, I notice. I notice because there is a difference or a shift. Pre-treatment it almost didn't matter how many stress factors presented themselves in day because they were all banging against the walls of an empty well. A well that was dark, deep, empty, and cold. It's was a dark place you couldn't recongize at the time because well, there were no extra reserves of anything. All things were an equal hurdle that had to be beaten to keep moving forward.

On therapy, getting some decent rest, there is an up to down transition. It makes it far easier to begin to realize how you were living. It makes the bad days where you went to bed too late and only have 5 hours to sleep more painful than they would otherwise be because you actually can tell your off your game that day... Where as prior, you were never at your best.

Worst of all before treatment, no matter how tired I was I couldn't afford to not be in motion. Not being in motion would result in passing into a coma state if only for 30 mins before waking myself in an apnea event. If I try to put the process into words it goes like this: To stop was to shut down. To shut down wasn't pleasant. Had to move forward. Always forward. Not through the fog mind you, because there simply was no through the fog. Fog was an ever present part of every day. No need to get through the fog, Just clear a little space around me in the fog. OK there is the next obejctive, get there. Oh look more fog. Beat back the fog. Next objective? There. So tired. Gotta move. OK got that thing done. What's next? Threat? Objective? Some place I'm supposed to be? Don't remember. Check. Clear. Move. OK, made it through work. Time to go home. Oh god. I have to make it home. Check. Clear. Move. Fog rolling in? Beat it back, just have to go a little more until I get home. Made it? OK now for the family. Yeah-- that part went just like the work day... until, OK time for bed. Why? That doesn't make it any better. I'll get what?? three hours of miserable broken sleep?? before my body decides it's as rested as it's going to get and I'm too pissed to try and sleep any more. Yeah, but you have to get that. Can't function long without that broken, miserable, "sleep"

Rinse and repeat, day after agonizing day...

^ That is what life had become pre-treatment.

Don't know if that's what you were looking for.. It's my version anyway. As for being an a$$? Oh yeah, fuuur sure... Simple, I was devolving toward the most base and animalistic nature possible. It was all about survival. I still had the wife and the kids counting on me. I still had to do everything that HAD to be done to support and care for them. That drove me. That made it possible to do. There simply was no energy, no ability to control what kind of a$$ I was. The most striking thing I discovered. No matter how tired I was, once something had tripped my attack triggers.. There was plenty of energy for that, little concern for the impact lashing out had. It simply didn't matter. Civility was not an issue. Just pain and frustration. Sure, civility would quickly reassert itself. It was like artificial intelligence glitches in movies. Alarms would ring, my brain was trying to reach my reasoning centers, bring me back into alignment... The animal part, didn't care. It had reached a breaking point. It didn't want to be controled. Just lash out. Anyway, that's a hard part to think about and well, those moments are overly foggy and most took place in my head.. I did manage to control most of these types of moments, but there were times when I failed, I know I was not pleasant to be around. Fortunately the principles I live by are very solid and structured. I'd have never physically lashed out at my wife and kids, but man, when you get right down to it... You can be very damaging with just a verbal outburst.

My wife begged me to go see a sleep doc for about a year, maybe more, before I did. I refused until it got to the point that making it through a day was taking more energy than I could take in with the little, crappy, frustrating sleep I was getting. There were at least three years where I don't remember having a single dream. I went, I think I had an AHI of 80 during the first part of my study, by midnight they had masked me. Best decision I ever made and family as expected has been 100% supportive. Today, things are much better. There are still challenges, but I get to enjoy life again, not just survive the day. Anyway, hope it helps someone.

[yankee_hoser]

no matter how tired I was I couldn't afford to not be in motion. Not being in motion would result in passing into a coma state if only for 30 mins before waking myself in an apnea event. If I try to put the process into words it goes like this: To stop was to shut down. To shut down wasn't pleasant. Had to move forward. Always forward. Not through the fog mind you, because there simply was no through the fog. Fog was an ever present part of every day. No need to get through the fog, Just clear a little space around me in the fog. OK there is the next obejctive, get there. Oh look more fog. Beat back the fog. Next objective? There. So tired. Gotta move. OK got that thing done. What's next? Threat? Objective? Some place I'm supposed to be? Don't remember. Check. Clear. Move. OK, made it through work. Time to go home. Oh god. I have to make it home. Check. Clear. Move. Fog rolling in? Beat it back, just have to go a little more until I get home. Made it? OK now for the family. Yeah-- that part went just like the work day... until, OK time for bed. Why? That doesn't make it any better. I'll get what three hours of miserable broken sleep before my body decides it's as rested as it's going to get and I'm too pissed to try and sleep any more. Yeah, but you have to get that. Can't function long without that broken, miserable, "sleep"


There are still challenges, but I get to enjoy life again, not just survive the day.

hits very close to home. i look forward to the point when my main goal is to not just "survive the day"

[MS Gray Man]

There are still challenges, but I get to enjoy life again, not just survive the day.

hits very close to home. i look forward to the point when my main goal is to not just "survive the day"

Well the short version is, prolonged absence of sleep makes it near impossible to manage your relationship with yourself. If you can't do that, you can't manage any other relationship. When being crushed by just the regular stuff in a day... Well a spouse with PMS, someone else's bad day, the extra bill that month.. None of those things can you absorb into a stack of things that are already overwhelming you. It's kind of like the AA thing. First admit you have a problem. Get treatment. Make it work. Help those around you (spouse, kids, close friends) understand that you've had some challenges. You'll get there. Put the same energy into making therapy work you put in to getting through a day and it will all work out.

Cheers.

[Al N]

For me I'm surprised that I had any relationships. It was a feeling of being completely overwhelmed by the smallest things. I had no life at all outside of work I put every ounce of energy I had just to get out of bed and make it through the work day. No exaggeration.

I would get so angry and have no idea why. The simplest things would set it of so later after I would calm down and think about it. I would realize that it was just me being petty. So I kept and still do everything I possibly can inside. As time went on and things got worse and worse I kept thinking I must be crazy.

I have type 1 diabetes with wide fluctuations both high and low for twenty years. So most of the blame would go on low blood sugar as the cause. While it will cause some of the same reactions. Lookinging back I think the majority of it was from my severe OSA. Most likely all of my life.

I have the greatest wife in the world to have put up worth all of the horrible moods. She is the one it would usually spill out on. If it did. Mostly though I did and still do try to keep it all to myself. At least until I know for sure the real issue. That at times I never figure out.

As far as relationships go if I had sad every ignorant thought that had ever went through my mind. Or let my true feelings show at the time I have no doubt that I would have no relationships. It does get better though amazing what sleep will do for you outlook.

[TimKeogh]

Well it almost killed my whole family and me.
After a wedding where I drank too much and got no sleep, I fell asleep at the wheel.
Thank God for the rumble strips (I was doing 70+ mph) or I would have smashed into the guard rail.