This Gave Me a Headache!

[DoriC]

I was curious about this forum for spouses that Katie mentioned and was really stunned, saddened and totally shocked by the suffering and lack of information and education going on with this subject. I didn't know this. I realize more than ever how lucky I was to have found my support here. I don't know what would have happened. Of the few awful stories I read this one takes the cake! It's rather long but it made my jaw drop. I wish we could save the world! Dori

The Doctor needs help!!!!!!
My husband has undiagnosed sleep apnea and he refuses to go to a doctor. He does not have a primary care doctor as he doesn't go to a doctor for anything. The thing is he is a doctor!!!!! This is not a joke or anything. He has had the sleep apnea symptoms for some time and they are gradually getting worse. He has roughly one apnea spell every minute of his sleep which over the course of a night is hundreds of episodes. Most of his apnea episodes last 20-40 seconds. Occasionally he has one that lasts more than a minute. I sleep in another room most of the time but can still hear him. When more than one of my adult children are visiting I at least start out sleeping with my husband ( no available other beds) but wind up moving to the couch during the night.
He has developed his own coping mechanisms for dealing with the daytime sleepiness. He shakes his legs continuously while driving a car and so far this has kept him from falling asleep at the wheel (as far as I know). On a Saturday (when he is home most of the day) he usually falls asleep as many as a 6-10 times. He feels it is OK to fall asleep during meetings at work. He is quite an intelligent and stubborn person so I am sure he has coping mechanisms that I don't even know about. His job is very importand to him and his existance (one would not call it a life) seems totally to involve his work and dealing with the sleep apnea. Our daughter recently moved and he did not even ask where she moved to or her new address or anything!!!!! Even though he seems to be getting by this is a very sad way to exist.
The only medical proceedure my husband went in for has been a colonoscopy ( he ordered it himself so he did not have to go to a doctor). He has a family history of colon polyps and is as Oncologist ( cancer doctor), so he has some concern about cancer. He was sedated for the proceedure. I think they gave his versed (sp?) and demerol. When he woke up he was recieving oxygen. He asked the nurse why (I of course knew why). She merely patted him on the shoulder and told him he needed to be reminded to breathe during the proceedure. I thought someone there would suggest that he get a sleep study but it nwas never metioned. He did not have any colon polyps.
All the spouses out there shold be aware that sleep apnea patients are in danger if they are given any medication that depresses respirations (narcotic pain killers,sleep medications, anesthesia) and need close monitoring while under the effects of these medications. I think sometimes spouses need to insist on this.
Our children have all heard and observed his snoring and apnea and I have explained the condition to them. I can't get them to talk much to they're Dad much about it. They are of an age (25, 23 and 19) where they are just not worried about illinss or death. He has worked at the same place for years and I think some of the people there feel something is up with him. One doctor keeps leaving articles about depression on his desk.
It is clear that my urging him to go to a doctor has no effect. What do I do?
I am afraid of all the obvious things- He will die in his sleep. He will have a heart attack or stroke and die or be disabled.
It is good to vent. All ideas will be appreciated
Thanks

[Muse-Inc]

Ahhh DoriC, really sad and so unnecessary too.

[mars]

[quote="DoriC"] Of the few awful stories I read this one takes the cake! It's rather long but it made my jaw drop. I wish we could save the world! Dori

Hi Dori

So do I, Dori, so do I.

But to survive we have to have limits and boundaries that keep us looking after ourselves, and the one's we love, and only then we hopefully have time to do our bit for the world..

One of the saddest, and most discouraging, thing I have ever learned is - that I cannot change the world, and I can barely change myself.

We do what we can.

cheers

Mars

[BlackSpinner]

Sad but I finally accept at some point in my life that we can change the world only by being the change ourselves. We can't really change other people, we can only change the way we relate to them.

Like they say in the air planes - put your own oxygen mask on first before you help others.
Self sacrifice just creates more corpses.

[carbonman]

“Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.”

Zen of the Mask

MY choice to embrace or reject, the mask, and in so doing,
choose quality of life.

[mars]

OK Dori,

We can't have you suffering from headaches

Now, I know you are itching to do something, so here it is - one line is all you need -

"Suggest you find out about how to do an Intervention, it may work for you (and him)".

This is what I wrote some time ago in answer to a similar problem -

Quote Mars

You learn how to do an intervention, you then try to get close family members, work colleagues or friends involved, preferably get tutored by an Intervention Specialist, decide what is the desired outcome, decide what the consequences of continued denial will be, then get the intervention team together with the one in denial (by hook or crook). Then sit him down and work through the intervention.

The intervention can produce a definite change in the person, so they are willing to get help. Or it may produce compliance to getting help, which may then produce a genuine change. Or it may not work at all.

There are some great films about this - I'll Quit Tomorrow - If You Loved Me - Father Martins Guidelines - There Is No Such Thing As A Dragon - Denial: The Inside Story - Francesca, Baby - The Enablers/The Intervention -etc. Films by The Johnson Institute, Walt Disney, Hazelden and Gerald T Rogers. There are also some very good books - especially by the Johnson Institute. Your local alcohol and drug resource should have access to them, and probably more recent information. Hazelden may still hire them out.

Intervention has to be done properly to have the best chance of working, but if you are prepared to take action to help someone you love, it is worth a try, even without others. You must prepare carefully. But you are probably going to need more than just one person.

Intervention is not just about different addictions, it is about denial, and producing enough real emotional pain to break through that denial so that the person can see themselves as others see them, and hopefully take action to get well.

The oximeter could be a successful intervention, if he will co-operate.

Good Luck

End Quote Mars

So there you have it, Dori. If you absalutly, definatly, indubitably, unreservedly must help, then you can give her that one line. And then you must hurry back to us, because we need you here

cheers

Mars

[DoriC]

Thanks for all your words of wisdom. It amazes me that you all could read between my lines to know how really agitated I was about that story and the desperation in the others I read. It was a peek at the dark side for me and what could have really happened to us. Mars, Thank you also for giving me "something to do". I will quote your one line to her and that will be my first and last post there. I don't want to ever lose the serenity and confidence I've gained among my friends here. If that sounds selfish, at least I know my limitations and what I'm capable of doing.

[DreamOn]

That is such a heartbreaking story. This woman's plight really illustrates how strong denial can be.

Perhaps they could engage the man's physician-coworkers to assist personally with an intervention. It is obvious that they are aware that there is a severe problem and are trying to help. Something needs to be done to save that man's life, help his friends and family, and to protect his patients too! Oncology is a profession that requires a sharp and attentive mind, and he could be doing real harm.

I hope this story has a happy ending, but I suppose we'll never know. Unfortunately, all you can do is put it out there and let it go....

~ DreamOn

[BleepingBeauty]

What a sad story. But, as in all things health-related, the person affected has to seek the help they need. Nobody else can do it for them.

I'm pretty sure my dad has OSA, but he won't get tested. He has two children and a brother using xPAP machines, but he's wearing blinders and won't be swayed. I've tried to speak with him about this on several occasions, but he tunes me out. It's a frustrating position to be in, but there's nothing more that I can do.

[ScrappinMom]

The doctor in Dori's original post should be reported to his state's medical licensure board. He is definitely practicing while impaired. Aside from the grief he is causing his family, he is not giving his patients the medicare care he should be. His partners should be ashamed of themselves for covering for him...they've got to know he has a problem if he is continually falling asleep durign meetings. And, he ordered his own colonoscopy??!!! Good grief.

[DoriC]

I thought of that too. I wonder if it's not being reported as we speak by people more familiar with that forum and possibly the poster? Sorry I just can't bring myself to get too involved with this situation.

[ScrappinMom]

Dori,
I didn't mean to suggest that you or anyone else here should report him. Sorry if that's how it came across. Someone who has observed the situation and has first hand knowledge should do that. Further, his partners could probably be held somewhat responsible if anything were to happen to a patient. I hope and pray this man is not a surgeon or anything of that nature.

[KatieW]

Dori, I'm sorry that the other forum upset you so much. Yes, there are many heart breaking situations out there. My intent was just to offer a place where someone in that situation could realize that they are not alone.

But though it's good to have place to vent, it's even more important to move forward from there, hopefully, with education and support from others. You've helped me so much with your posts here, and I'm sure, lot's of others also.

[SuperGeeky]

Ditto

SG

[mars]

The doctor in Dori's original post should be reported to his state's medical licensure board. He is definitely practicing while impaired. Aside from the grief he is causing his family, he is not giving his patients the medicare care he should be. His partners should be ashamed of themselves for covering for him...they've got to know he has a problem if he is continually falling asleep durign meetings. And, he ordered his own colonoscopy??!!! Good grief.

ScrappinMom has got it right. What she says would most likely be the most effective form of intervention.

I have worked with Doctors, and I have lived with them, and also drunk with them. Because of their status in society their denial tends to be more powerful than most. Plus the unseemly and disgraceful covering up for their fellow doctors that many of them do simply allows such problems as alcoholism, drug addiction, incompetence etc. and medical problems such as sleep apnea, to continue.

I was brought up in the town where Dr Harold Shipman killed many of his patients -

An official report later concluded he killed between 215 and 260 people over a 23-year period in Hyde and Todmorden, West Yorkshire. The initial police investigation was stymied, because he was a Doctor, and they could not access his patient records without him knowing, and they were not prepared to do that.

Until we start treating Doctors the same way we treat the man in the street, then these murders and mistreatment will continue to go unnoticed and unpunished.

I have a video about an impaired Doctor, it is very good. There is not much I can do with it until it is out of copyright. It was made in 1981 (approx), Can anyone tell me when copyright ceases in the US.

All I can say is - thank goodness none of us are in denial about anything

cheers

Mars