Bed thread: Slightly OT

[allinknots]

OK, this is somewhat xpap related.

We need to change our bed situation in our home, and we're not exactly sure what to do.

My hubby and I have a queen sized bed. He is a restless sleeper--he has periodic limb movement disorder that has not been officially diagnosed, but it's pretty obvious he has it. (His dr. suggested that he see a neurologist, but he keeps putting it off. But that's another whole story.) Plus, occasionally he goes into a heavy breathing phase when he sleeps, and I'm not sure what that's all about. (He also keeps putting off going in for a sleep study.) In addition to waking up several times at night due to my apnea issues (which I'm working on treating now with the apap!), I'm woken up by his flopping around at night.

He is a pretty light sleeper, so my apnea issues were occasionally waking him up, too--slight snoring of mine, etc. And now he is somewhat bothered by a slight draft of the exhalation air coming out of my mask.

OK, it gets even more complicated.

You might be thinking, "Time for separate twin beds." Here's why that won't work: Hubby is tall, so he would need an extra long twin bed. I am short so I don't need that length, but I am a pillow hog! I have a pillow I sleep on, and then one or two pillows I lay beside me to prop my arm and leg on when I'm sleeping on my side/stomach. I've tried that set-up in a twin bed before, but then the arm and leg pillows seem to roll off the side of the be and onto the floor when I'm sleeping.

Suggestion #1 is that we get twin extra longs, push them together, have separate sheets on them but then use one king size bedspread/comforter. Hopefully my pillow overflow can encroach a bit on his bed if need-be. I'm not sure this would work because if my pillow is on his bed, even a little, would his flopping movements keep waking me up? Would he be subconsciously pushing my pillow aside so he could have more room?

Suggestion #2 which I know would work better for me: We get a full (double) bed for me, and an Xtra long twin for him. He'd have the length he'd need, and I'd have the width I'd like. (He truly wouldn't be jealous that I had a "bigger bed" because he doesn't really need the width, but would feel more comfortable with extra length.) This would fit in our room, but would make space rather tight. He doesn't like this idea because he thinks it would look stupid; it would be difficult to "make the beds" that way; we'd need separate comforters and that would look studpid; he insists that the beds wouldn't fit in the room like this. (They will, it will just take up a lot of space.)

In addition, we know there is a stigma about "separate beds". I know it shouldn't matter, but face it, it does. I remember when my in-laws got separate beds, and we kids kind of wondered, "Wow, they're getting old. I hope their marriage isn't splitting up" etc. My hubby and I are not that old, either. I feel like we would be caving into acting like old fogies. <please take no offense, anyone> Also, and again I know this shouldn't matter--but anyone who would ever be a guest at our house--our extended families, our friends from out-of-town who'd be spending the night,etc., would wonder what was going on. And I'd feel like I'd need to offer some major explanation about the bed situation. And then they'd say, "Oh, ok," but wonder "Is there marriage ok? This is kind of weird! They're really not old enough to need separate beds," etc.

Of course my logical side knows that we need to do what's right for us, and what will give us the best sleep--no matter how it looks to others. And we don't owe anyone any explanation. And that it's no one's business anyways. And comfort needs should trump looks. And even if the space in the bedroom is tight, we should get rid of what we don't need in there in order to have beds that work for us, etc. I understand all this. But then the appearances thing crops into my mind.

Has anyone dealt with a situation like this before? If so, what did you do? Even if not, perhaps you still have some suggestions on what you would do in this situation?

[DreamDiver]

What about getting a king-size bed?

[allinknots]

A king would solve the space issue, but I would still wake up from my hubby's leg and arm movements, and his rolling around, etc. But another possiblilty would be a king bed that has the feature where one person can be moving but the other person doesn't feel the movement. I'm not sure if those type of beds really work? If anyone on the forum has that type of bed, please post!

Thanks,
All in Knots

[Goofproof]

I had a California King to myself, you could roll all night and never get to the edge, it was really nice, easy to find a new cool spot. I don't know if they make memory foam that will fit a California King. Jim

[carbonman]

But another possiblilty would be a king bed that has the feature where one person can be moving but the other person doesn't feel the movement. I'm not sure if those type of beds really work? If anyone on the forum has that type of bed, please post!
Thanks,
All in Knots

We have a SelectComfort bed. It is a king. It has two separate
air mattresses, so each person can set their side to their comfort requirements.
When one person moves, it does not disturb the other person.

[ractar28]

To follow up on what Carbonman said, I've heard that about the Select Comfort beds, although I have never slept on one.

I have owned the Simmons Beautyrest, which touts being the "do not disturb" mattress. Well, as they show on their commercials, if you take the "common" parts off (the fabric and foam), you can drop a bowling ball on one end and not bother the wine glasses on the other. However, once you put the "common" material in place, you CAN feel your partner's movements. I can't say whether the effect is decreased or not as I never really tried them side-by-side, but I owned a few Beautyrest mattresses over a 10 year span, so I have experience with them. BECAUSE of the issues with the Beautyrest, I question if the Sleep Number beds (Select Comfort) can really isolate movement. I keep wanting to try one, but fear getting the urge to buy one .

[Goofproof]

I forgot to mention that California King, has two mattresses side by side on it too. Jim

[ww]

I take sleeping well as more important than about anything else. First, we bought two full sized beds for our bedroom. Try a bowling ball on one and a glass of wind on the other!!!!!!!

Then we went to Flex-A-Bed and got two adjustable beds! That has worked quite well. If you don't have room, then you can buy a king size that is split and both operate independently. All king size beds are extra long with the California King the longest! This provides a single bed when made up and two independent beds for sleeping. Two long twins pushed together can do the same thing at a much more affordable cost and would also solve all of your problems. Two full size are even better, but take up quite a bit of room!

[ww]

I forgot to mention that California King, has two mattresses side by side on it too. Jim

Hmmm..... I have a California King and it has two independent box springs, but a single King Size mattress on top of that!

[marshaeb]

Hi, Allinknots!

This is NOT at all OT. You're talking about the sleep quality of two very important people!! It's vitally important. As is your relationship with each other, as well as with your families and friends. None of your concerns are silly, and none should be ignored. That said....

I'd never get a bed that required electricity, like the sleep number beds, even though they sound great. My electricity bill's already plenty high and promises to skyrocket in a couple of years when they deregulate the prices, so I'm working on ways to use LESS electricity.

I know nothing about the Tempurpedics except this: they look wonderful, I don't think they're faking the jumping up and down without knocking over the wine glass thing, I want one, my bed's in great shape so I can't justify buying another, and they're probably out of my price range. I do have a 4" memory foam mattress topper, and it has held up well over the past five years or so, and I definitely noticed an increase in my comfort level.

I had friends with love-each-other-but-have-sleeping-together issues. They bought king-size box springs (76 X 80) and two extra-long twins (39 X 80). It made the top an inch wider on each side, but my girlfriend said it didn't matter. It worked as you described. They used separate, tucked-in twin-size sheets and blankets, which defined and maintained their individual spaces, but they could easily ignore the tucked-in covers when the "mood" struck. They also had a king-sized bedskirt and comforter, thus making it look like a "normal" king-size bed and keeping their private business private.

In the long run, I really think XX you need to do what's right for XX you, and what will give XX you the best sleep--no matter how it looks to others. And XX you don't owe anyone any explanation. And that it's no one's business anyways. And comfort needs should trump looks. And even if the space in the bedroom is tight, XX you should get rid of what XX you don't need in there in order to have beds that work for XX you. (You make my life so easy.)

Marsha

[Goofproof]

I forgot to mention that California King, has two mattresses side by side on it too. Jim

Hmmm..... I have a California King and it has two independent box springs, but a single King Size mattress on top of that!

You are probably right, It was tough to get downstairs to the cave. Lost it to my sister-in-laws boy and his hound dog. Jim

[chou]

I like the king sized bed idea--a lot of mattresses these days are very high-tech and fabulous.

Or, you can not care so much about what busybodies & nosy nellies think, and get your heart's desire (that is, assuming a double bed & XL twin are both of your heart's desires). I mean, seriously, if someone said to me, "The so-and-so's have separate beds! That's so weird! They must not have sex anymore!" I would laugh hysterically and tell that person to get a freakin' life. I would call the gossiper a weirdo, for caring so much about something that is SO not their business.

This is coming from someone who has spent a lifetime trying to get better at not caring what other people think. Life is so much more liberating that way, in my opinion.

Here's to a solution that allows you the sweet, uninterrupted sleep you deserve! And your husband needs to get his behind to a sleep doc and a neuro. Here's to sleep!

[allinknots]

Wow, you people are awesome! What great suggestions.

First you held my hand when I was choosing my xpap machine. Now you're doing the same for bed shopping. LOL! You're all sharing such great suggestions and advice!

Mattress shopping is so daunting because of the no-returns issue. Of course I undersand the reasoning behind it--who wants to buy a bed that someone else tried out and didn't like? Too many health concerns, I imagine. But it's always kind of scary to buy a mattress, because if you decide you don't like it, you're stuck with it for the next ten years.

Please keep up the suggestions!

Thanks a bunch,
All in Knots

[Guest]

Get a memory foam topper. They are affordable and from what I hear when you sink down you can't move anywhere - 1 problem solved. If you think you will still feel him move get 2 twin toppers put them on your existing boxspring.

Then pick-up a used auto A-flex to titrate the big-guy right at home. Those gasping events are trying to tell you something.

[LoQ]

I don't know if this will fit your space, but what about some kind of sleeper sofa/loveseat/chair-and-a-half for one of the beds? If you could pull that off, you could have a single bed plus a "sofa" in the room and it looks normal, but at night you can have the separate sleeping you desire. I wonder, too, if you had such a bed if you wouldn't lose your pillow to the floor, even if it were twin width, because maybe the loveseat arms would keep the pillow on-board.


Or how about you make the double bed the central focus of the room, then disguise the long twin as a kind of daybed with some big cushions so that it looks like a sitting sofa? Or put the twin mattress on the floor, letting it double as a TV lounge area. Or something. Get creative. Home-made Murphy bed. Just pull the mattress up against the wall during the day and disguise it somehow. I have a really lightweight foam mattress that is ultra comfortable, and I'm sure I could pull off something like this without trouble.