Unsupportive spouse,

[jnk]

"Dear, I know what you mean. I don't like having to sleep with the machine, either. We both have a little grieving to do. But I love you, and I think we should deal with this together, don't you? It's very important to me that we sleep in the same bed. For me, it represents the closeness of our marriage. So, if there's anything we can do, together, to deal with this, I'm willing to try anything. Maybe for tonight we can try putting the machine beside, and slightly under, the bed so that the carpet and bedding will muffle the sound a bit. If that isn't good enough, we'll try something else tomorrow night. You see, I need to breathe when I'm asleep--it's important to me. But you are the most important person on the planet to me, and that's why I want for us to be together on this. Not apart. What do you say?"*

*Above wording should be edited by one of the female of the species before you try it. Maybe by ozij, or other?

[hobbs]

Maybe you carry too much life insurance?

[Babette]

There's a good point.... My disabled stepfather cancelled his insurance policy for that very reason.

Cheers,
Babs

[DreamDiver]

I don’t want to make her sound like she is selfish, or a spoiled brat. She has been a very good wife and mother for the past 24 years. She is also a bright woman and has researched this condition. She is having a problem accepting this treatment. I don’t know what to do. I have changed doctors in hope of finding someone who can give me advice on how to adjust my equipment and treatment to make it easier for both of us...

It makes me wonder if the machine is louder than the specified parameters. To me, mine sounds like a jet, but my wife says she hardly notices it.
You could lab-rat a box to muffle the sound of your machine. There are posts about it on the board.

[marshaeb]

Hi, GatorMan.

Sorry for your troubles.

No disrespect intended, but your wife has no idea what bothersome noises coming from xPAP machines can be like. My ex-husband had a CPAP machine years ago, and it sounded like a 747 was idling in our bedroom. The difference in the sound from today's machines can't be compared; they're incredibly quieter. On the other hand, it sounded like the 747 was there even before the CPAP machine showed up. (Of course, I thought he was making it up when he'd say MY snoring added to the noise level. Me? Snore? No way!! "Oh, be careful, little lips, what you say...." Ha.) I'm with jnk's wife -- my ex-husband and I were never sure which one of us appreciated his CPAP machine more. His snoring, snorting and other "offensive noises coming from his face" (quotation credit to jnk) disturbed my sleep far more than the regular and even noise coming from the machine.

I expect, though, that stories about "what was" do little for "what is" -- your current situation. Do you have the M Series Whisper Cap for your machine? I don't have it, but I've read that it's a good noise damper. Our host sells it, and although I haven't researched it, I doubt you'll get a better price anywhere else. (https://www.cpap.com/productSearch.php? ... ry=whisper) Also, your wife might consider getting earplugs. There are good ones out there that are very comfortable.

Frustrations and anger about poor treatment at the hands of someone in the medical community are commonly worse for the partner of the one being (mis)treated to deal with than the person him/herself. It's so difficult to see it happening and feeling helpless to do anything about it. Perhaps your wife's negativity at home is actually an unrecognized, misplaced reaction to the way the sleep center and DME handled things. I don't know. I'm not a therapist, I'm not trying to be one, and I'm not playing armchair quarterback. Perhaps consulting a family therapist would help both of you deal with the whole situation, though. It's worth considering. That you received poor treatment is terrible, it's wrong, and it makes me very angry. By stopping your CPAP treatment, though, you're the one who's being punished, not the sleep center or the DME. I'm glad to see that you're making a switch; and getting involved in AWARE is a good, positive move, too.

Back to my story about years ago... The worst thing to deal with was when there was no sound at all in our bedroom before my ex-husband started CPAP therapy, because I knew he had stopped breathing. And that realization came when I woke up, so I had no idea how long it had been since he had taken a breath. Would he take another? What will I do if... It was terrifying. I don't mean to be insensitive, but there really are worse things than adjusting to some noise. This is a possibility of life issue, not a quality of life issue. This sleep apnea that we all have is a serious, life-threatening condition, and I hope you and your wife will reconsider the need for and value of your machine.

I think there are two bottom lines here. For your wife, what would she prefer: to do some things that will help her adjust to the machine noise or to have no noise in the bedroom at all because your sleep apnea claimed your life? For you, are you really willing to literally bet your life in concession to your wife's ultimatum?

Perhaps you've also been reading another thread that's running: "Wife Won't Sleep With Me." Almost all (IMO) of the thoughts/suggestions in there are very good and very practical.

I'm glad you posed this question; many would not have been willing to talk about such a personal thing. You came to the right place, and you have our encouragement and support.

Marsha

[Gerald]

Ladies have a difficult time finding a "good man".......and most consider themselves very fortunate if they can share a bed with one. Men are valuable in many more ways than just being a sex partner.

My SO became a widow about 7-years ago....and re-started her life with me 6-months after she lost her first "good man".

She is so concerned about losing another one that she pushed me hard to get a sleep test.

The two of us work together to make CPAP work.......she is now using my spare machine and is delighted with the results....for both of us.

My lady is intellectually honest....and uses the scientific method (reason & logic) when she makes decisions.....and she has never complained about my machine or hers.

I suspect that your wife doesn't want you in her life anymore.......because if she did, she'd be helping you any way she could.....to keep you alive.

It sounds to me like she already has another guy in her life....and she wants to be rid of you. It may be time for you to move on....and find a woman who really appreciates a "good man".

Gerald

[longsufferingwife]

You poor thing! With all the problems with being a worn out zombie (like my husband), you have to deal with a terrible doc and DME (non terrible are bad enough!), and a wife who is either IMHO either lacking in IQ, or just plain selfish or truly unloving.

If my husband, didn't have a patient advocate.... he would not be on a Bipap for his severe sleep apnea, and would still be on a CPAP....plus a lot of other problems I won't go on and on.

But you should find an AWAKE group google (AWAKE sleep apnea) near you, and find other people like you who can help you find a good doc, DME, hopefully and answer your questions --- we've learned alot from them, but it does take time. If your wife won't go, that's another sign. In this day and age, she can google sleep apnea and learn about it. If she hasn't, like I said, she's got some problem, either too dense to learn or too mean.

Perhaps other wifes at the AWAKE meeting can speak with her. But I personally tend to thing that you'd be better off without her, there's plenty of other fish in the sea. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to google this and learn that it is a very very very serious problem that not only is linked to heart disease, high blood pressure, possibly a link to glaucoma (many glaucoma patients are untreated sleep apnea patients, just google glaucoma and sleep apnea)on and on..... Often people fall asleep driving --- some truck drivers now have portable machines to take with them (so I've read) and cause accidents to themselves and/or others. This is serious. More serious than a marriage, especially if it's a bad one. It's your health.

I couldn't dream of not being supportive of my husband's health issues, no matter what....

...isn't there a saying...for better or worse?

[kteague]

Sorry to hear this is such an issue in your home. Don't know if your wife is just a very light sleeper or what. If so, her sleep is important too, and if it's been disturbed, she's probably quite cranky. My observation is that you have to believe it's serious enough to your health to do it no matter what, or why should anyone else take it seriously? Do what you need to do. Tell her you are sorry she feels this way and that you hope the two of you can work through it. Tell her you are trying to be the best man you can be for the both of you. Then don't call a lot of attention to the machine - it's easy for this treatment to consume one's time, interest, and attention. Make it a non-issue so she doesn't feel so much she has a position to defend. When the time comes she is open to talking about it, maybe borrow a couple masks and ask her to let you know which she finds less offensive sounding.

Let her go into the other room if she insists, and don't make a big deal about it. Just tell her you are working on getting the quietest setup possible because you miss her presence. Give her time to see the better feeling man you'll become with diligent treatment. Don't accuse her of being a terrible person or doing terrible things. If she can't figure out for herself how she's acted, your words won't be of impact, and will only widen the divide.

People have differences in marriage all the time. They deal with situations, they adjust, they forgive. I bet in a lifetime of anyone's marriage each partner has had their turn at being self-focused. This doesn't seem to be a deal breaker to me. You do what you've gotta do. Let the chips fall. And don't measure the whole relationship on such a small part.

[jnk]

Well said, Kathy.

jnk

[Needsdecaf]

I don’t want to make her sound like she is selfish, or a spoiled brat. She has been a very good wife and mother for the past 24 years. She is also a bright woman and has researched this condition. She is having a problem accepting this treatment. I don’t know what to do. I have changed doctors in hope of finding someone who can give me advice on how to adjust my equipment and treatment to make it easier for both of us.

Echo, I think you are right. Please tell me more about AWAKE.

If she is having trouble accepting the treatment, have her send me an email. I have been on CPAP since April. I have been a tinkerer using a bunch of different masks, trying to get my leak rate and AHI low.

Sometime in July, I just decided to say "screw it" and just see how I felt. If I felt well in the morning, my treatment was successful. I had been using a Liberty and it was going pretty well.

But then the Liberty started giving me trouble. Making lots of noise, chronic leaks where there were none before, and such severe dry mouth that I switched back to the Opus 360. And even without a chinstrap and some acknowledged mouth leaks, I felt better and more importantly slept through the night with the mask on. I had taken to removing the Liberty at about 3:00 AM or so.

Then last week I was on a trip and having big problems with the mask. It ended up I needed to re-apply the Mack's that was on there, but I decided to sleep through the night without a mask. After all, I felt "ok" with the mask on until 3:00.

BIG, BIG, BIG mistake. In the morning, I felt like I couldn't wake up. Groggy, couldn't focus, etc. Coffee, brisk walking, cold shower, nothing helped. I was lucky that my first appointment was at 9:00 because it took me those 3 hours to really "wake up"!

That night, Opus the whole night and woke up feeling normal.

So the treatment is no joke. Hopefully you can get her to see that.

FWIW, my wife loves the fact that I don't snore, and has no issue with the noise whatsoever. And she was REALLY worried about it before hand.

[longsufferingwife]

Gator man, as to AWAKE,
if you are in Florida here's the AWAKE group links:
http://www.sleepapnea.org/cgi-bin/datab ... ?FL&&State
or the main link is http://www.sleepapnea.org; Just go to support groups and a map comes up so you can find all in your state. If you're like my husband, you're too wiped out to fight both the doctor, DME and deal with the spouse, all on your own.

[neverbetter]

What machine are you using? What mask?
I would do the same as what the single people here have tried and one woman swears by it.
If it's the looks of the whole thing that is turning her off....
can she stand a oxygen cannula on you?
this is the same advice I just gave a single person.....
Keep a nasal-aire II handy to break her into the idea without looking like someone who belongs in the hospital.
The nasal-aire II is the most minimal mask and looks like a big oxygen cannula. It's easier on the eyes until your love one gets use to the idea and more educated (ie, it's saving your life)about OSA.
there is a nice lady here "new2" that swears by this when breaking someone in to CPAP. Once they get use to it, she pulls out her Hybrid (he he)

[KansasRT]

Do you have CFlex turned on? I have had to deal with a few spouses who say that their husbands machines are too loud and they cannot sleep with it. When we turn it on in the office with all the noise it doesn't seem bad, but at night when you are trying to sleep it seems noisy. Sometimes, when CFlex or EPR is turned on you can tell a variation in the sound. Like a ventilator. That is just as disturbing to some as their spouse not breathing. If you can handle CPAP with out C Flex it is worth a try. Maybe the constant white noise it puts out would be better than the variation in pressure noise. That has worked for a few of my patients.
It could also be that she is realizing that you have a disease and it could shorten your life. I think all women want their husbands and fathers to be invincable. It also puts a damper on your intimate relations if you let it. Reassure her that it will not get in the way and the mask comes off faster than it goes on. It could be something else entirely and I am sure you will find out someday. Has she gone to any of your Dr's appointments? Maybe she is just scared. Let her try on the mask and see how it feels.
I do not use CPAP so I can't pretend to know what it feels like to have your spouse to react like that. I can say that 5 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer and my husband told me that I shouldn't worry it was just like having a cold and I would get over it. Well, in my state of mind that was his way of saying that cancer wasn't important and I should stop being upset and worried about it. I was MAD at his reaction. In reality he was terrified and didn't know what else to say. He thought he was helping. I don't remember how long you have had CPAP, but it will take at least 3 months to be somewhat accustomed to CPAP. It will take her just as long even though she doesn't use it. I hope that you can both give each other a chance to come around.

[Babette]

This is kinda of a tangent thought, that I think is pertinent to this thread, to the guy who posted that his wife won't sleep with him, and to the new guy who posted the dating thread:

I was talking over lunch with a GF the other day, and ranted about my last BF, how he'd ignore me all evening long, I'd go to bed because I was SO FREAKIN' TIRED at about 9-10 pm (pre cpap therapy), beg him to come to bed with me several times, have him ignore me, then he'd come to bed after midnight and start begging me for sex.

I was surprised to find out that she has the same problem. I really like her husband. It was her assertion that many men have this problem, based on other conversations she's had.

Or I should say - many WOMEN have this problem. WOMEN like to be paid attention to when we're AWAKE. We want to talk, snuggle, make love, etc. WHEN WE ARE AWAKE.

Wanting to do these activities with us when we're asleep is highly annoying to us. We don't know why men have this need to do this with us when we're asleep. It inevitably leads to hurt feelings, spats, and sometimes break ups.

Can't you men adjust your bio-clock a little earlier? We're SLEEPY dammit! It's not that we don't love you, it's just that we can't compete with your bleepin' computer during our waking hours!!!!! We try, trust me, we try. I've got DRAWERS full of lingerie that TRIED.

Okay, sorry, thought I needed to vent that.
Babs

[LDuyer]

Kathy had such wise words.
And others have had great suggestions and questions. Some cpap setups are quieter than others. And perhaps your wife can incorporate the use of white noise as a background, some people sleep with a fan in the room (I do, with or without the cpap). Hopefully everything can be worked out in time. But I urge that you not stop using your cpap (you said in your first post that you stopped using it for five days). Don't risk your health for this. It's not good for you or your wife. You can compromise everything else under the sun, but don't compromise your health, now that you know how to treat it. Good luck.

Linda