Well Here Goes.

[grumpygirl]

Oh my LORD!! I could have written your original post myself. It sounded like my life even down to the chest wall stuff and the depression and lack of self motivation , etc., etc. I cannot believe that someone else put into words the very things I have been feeling for almost a year now. Finally after a sleep study I was Dx'd as having severe sleep apnea. I am STILL hoping that this new journey will help alleviate some of the problems I have been experiencing. I am on a low dose of Prozac that I started in June before a referral to the Sleep Doc. It has helped some but I do NOT want to stay on it forever and am praying that the CPAP will help me do that. I am a newbie too-just about 4 weeks- and am still trying to adjust to the whole deal. Anyway- thanks so much for your post and making me feel like am an NOT a freak. I felt so bad physically and mentally that there were days that I thought that if things continue this way for the rest of my life I might as well end it all. I know that sounds drastic but I had such little hope left. I was SOOOOO tired of feeling so bad and so depressed I just didn't know what to do. I still don't feel like a human being but at least now I have hope and I feel like CPAP is going to help me eventually have a better, more productive life. KEEP the faith and I hope things improve for you soon!!!

[goose]

Welcome Grumpy!!!! You are in very good company......
Believe me, you are not alone!!!!
In case you haven't heard it yet, check the yellow light bulb (our collective wisdom) and the red question mark (CPAP FAQ) for the information that abounds. Amazing stuff there....

Don't hesitate to start your own threads with questions, problems, other issues etc......we're all here to help each other!!!

Most important -- Don't give up!!!

Keep us all up on how you're doing and I'm sure Runt and Country don't mind sharing the thread a bit more......(the more the merrier!!!!)

Take care -- Good luck
cheers
goose

[countrygent]

We have a big accumulation of exhaustion ... and adjusting to sleeping with the infernal contraption. I'm stupid, sloppy, my ears are ringing and I'm cross-eyed ... all from being so tired, but feel a little better physically then before the CPAP.

Just to sleep through the night will be a big milestone.
Check out runt8's post on her first full night.

Hang in there - the health dangers from failure are too great, and by all accounts it is par for the course to have trouble - but so many people say they recover so much. Lets get back to our old selves.

There are dozens of tweaks and great advice around here for alot of adjustment problems.

[countrygent]

I know that despondency so well.

I was at the end of my rope after years sliding downhill with no diagnosis. Sounds like we had a similar experience. Having to fight for a sleep test, being worn down to the end of endurance.

When I complained to the doc about all the symptoms, about every day being a trial, loss of enjoyment of life, dreading work, dreading failure, the constant stress and pain, they would go through the depression questions ... and then say "do you have thoughts of suicide?" I always lied and said no. I didn't want to be pressed into meds I somehow knew would make things worse for me.

It was unthinkable to ever follow through but I had started weighing some kind of final solution as an option that I would turn over in my mind, then reject, but it would keep worming back because I was so persistantly miserable. What was particularly hard was having nothing to point to as a cause - so it seemed like my character was somehow at fault, like I was weak, like I couldn't get tough when the tough should get going. And I had always been a pretty determined competitor.

Like I said before I'm really tired now but I already feel much better emotionally with new hope. With energy and sleep so many possibilities open up again.

Last night two good bites of sleep about two hours twice - but I had some kind of crazy itching/pulsing high up in my sinuses that woke me up around 1 ripping off the headgear - I was up in the night pumping saline up there trying to get rid of it with not perfect success - care and feeding of nose and sinuses with ridiculous volumes of air passing through every night is going to be a new puzzle. Humidity, gels, irrigation, medication, avoiding bleeding and dust and allergies.

My bedside table is filling up with tape, scissors, gels, aerosols, advil, decongestants, tissues, lip and nare balms, cough drops, melatonin, hose tethers, a second set of eyeglasses (heavy ones I can jam in and out under the headgear as my lightweights don't work so well).

When summer rolls around I'll be into the 12volt and back country advice.

I think .... hope .... imagine .... that the tide may be turning. I'm slightly perkier when my eyes open and the first waking thought isn't "I feel terrible" but more like "hey, do I really feel a little better than I did when I put myself to bed last night?". Not yet anything like "I feel great and fully rested", but I'm no longer sliding backwards and might just be beginning to chip away at the accumulated stress, exhaustion, and sleep deficit. Still approach every evening with my tank totally empty, and feeling a little blue and unnatural facing the gear.

There is reason to hope all the secondary symptoms might go away with good sleep - no depression, no SAD, no fibromyalgia, no restless legs. Just my old durable self back again. Still months to go before I'll know for sure.

Thanks to all who have responded and sent me inboxes - I appreciate it very much - many of you will know exactly what I mean when I say this BB has been a huge support and comfort.

I'm not alone. Problems are not abnormal. The two steps back of exhaustion starting CPAP and working towards compliance, tweaking and adjusting is normal. Best of all is looking up that steep hill ahead and seeing a whole bunch of you standing at the top telling me "get on up here the view is fantastic and we feel great". Hope for a new future that was impossible just a month ago.

I met a gentleman who told me "It would feel unnatural to sleep without it now - sort of like putting on shoes to go out. I like my CPAP". That cheered me up a whole lot although its a long way from the @#$%^'ing place I was at in the middle of last night.

I'm still going to have to face the outfall of underperformance in a few years of my career - but I have been handed a new path to fullfillment where there was no way through before.

[Mile High Sleeper]

Welcome to the forum, new kids! runt, I'm glad you're hanging in there and having more success. countrygent, your posts are touching. I applaud your wisdom and perseverance in getting a diagnosis. I too had my life and career erode, and muscle/joint stiffness as well as a lot of other symptoms, because of untreated SA. Now, no more pain and stiffness, healthier in so many ways and feeling good, and able to get my life back!

To echo goose about the light bulb/our collective wisdom. did you see the section on Help for New and Struggling Users? at cpaptalk-articles.php?articlegroup=ALL
I especially recommend 3 articles: 7 Stages of CPAP by Mike Moran and Perry,
CPAP Adaptation stages (see the diary of 2 hoseheads at the end), and OSA Recovery (see OSA and depression at the end).

[DreamStalker]

I know that despondency so well.

I was at the end of my rope after years sliding downhill with no diagnosis. Sounds like we had a similar experience. Having to fight for a sleep test, being worn down to the end of endurance.

When I complained to the doc about all the symptoms, about every day being a trial, loss of enjoyment of life, dreading work, dreading failure, the constant stress and pain, they would go through the depression questions ... and then say "do you have thoughts of suicide?" I always lied and said no. I didn't want to be pressed into meds I somehow knew would make things worse for me.

It was unthinkable to ever follow through but I had started weighing some kind of final solution as an option that I would turn over in my mind, then reject, but it would keep worming back because I was so persistantly miserable. What was particularly hard was having nothing to point to as a cause - so it seemed like my character was somehow at fault, like I was weak, like I couldn't get tough when the tough should get going. And I had always been a pretty determined competitor.

Like I said before I'm really tired now but I already feel much better emotionally with new hope. With energy and sleep so many possibilities open up again.

Last night two good bites of sleep about two hours twice - but I had some kind of crazy itching/pulsing high up in my sinuses that woke me up around 1 ripping off the headgear - I was up in the night pumping saline up there trying to get rid of it with not perfect success - care and feeding of nose and sinuses with ridiculous volumes of air passing through every night is going to be a new puzzle. Humidity, gels, irrigation, medication, avoiding bleeding and dust and allergies.

My bedside table is filling up with tape, scissors, gels, aerosols, advil, decongestants, tissues, lip and nare balms, cough drops, melatonin, hose tethers, a second set of eyeglasses (heavy ones I can jam in and out under the headgear as my lightweights don't work so well).

When summer rolls around I'll be into the 12volt and back country advice.

I think .... hope .... imagine .... that the tide may be turning. I'm slightly perkier when my eyes open and the first waking thought isn't "I feel terrible" but more like "hey, do I really feel a little better than I did when I put myself to bed last night?". Not yet anything like "I feel great and fully rested", but I'm no longer sliding backwards and might just be beginning to chip away at the accumulated stress, exhaustion, and sleep deficit. Still approach every evening with my tank totally empty, and feeling a little blue and unnatural facing the gear.

There is reason to hope all the secondary symptoms might go away with good sleep - no depression, no SAD, no fibromyalgia, no restless legs. Just my old durable self back again. Still months to go before I'll know for sure.

Thanks to all who have responded and sent me inboxes - I appreciate it very much - many of you will know exactly what I mean when I say this BB has been a huge support and comfort.

I'm not alone. Problems are not abnormal. The two steps back of exhaustion starting CPAP and working towards compliance, tweaking and adjusting is normal. Best of all is looking up that steep hill ahead and seeing a whole bunch of you standing at the top telling me "get on up here the view is fantastic and we feel great". Hope for a new future that was impossible just a month ago.

I met a gentleman who told me "It would feel unnatural to sleep without it now - sort of like putting on shoes to go out. I like my CPAP". That cheered me up a whole lot although its a long way from the @#$%^'ing place I was at in the middle of last night.

I'm still going to have to face the outfall of underperformance in a few years of my career - but I have been handed a new path to fullfillment where there was no way through before.

You have the right attitude. Being forced into a new lifestyle not of your own choosing is no fun ... but when you start waking up with wood in the morning you will know what it is like to be young again and you too will feel unnatural going to sleep without being all hosed up.

Hang in there!