Columnists on Sleep Apnea Humor

LDuyer · Post by **LDuyer** » Sun Apr 17, 2005 9:14 pm

For terrific, comical and insightful articles on Sleep Apnea, click on the blue Liam and visit his wonderful creative writings about Sleep Apnea!

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Below are articles by columnist Sheila Moss:

A Weekly Humor Column

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To Sleep or Not to Sleep

Lately I’ve been hearing other people talk a lot about their personal sleep disorders. I confess I hadn’t really thought much about sleep problems before. Just show me the bed and I can be cutting Zs in 15 minutes any time of the day or night. Now, however, I’ve found out that I’m not sleeping the correct way. I’m supposed to wait until bedtime to sleep so I’ll be tired and able to go to sleep through the night.

A sleep disorder is when we toss and turn and are unable to fall asleep, I figured. Everyone knows about drinking warm milk and doing the sheep counting routine to cure insomnia. Now, however, I’ve found out that insomnia is only one of many sleep disorders. There are others that are common, plus some that are not so common.

Insomnia is more than not being able to go to sleep in the first place, it is also waking up in the night and not being able to get back to sleep. Heck, that doesn’t seem like a disorder to me. If it wasn’t for waking up in the middle of the night with my mind racing, I’d never get my column written.

I decided to take a mini sleep quiz just to see if I needed to be concerned about sleep disorders. Can’t be too careful with health. Wish I hadn’t taken it, though. According to the quiz, I’ve got ‘em all.

First of all, I found that I have sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is when someone has difficulty breathing and may stop breathing for several seconds many times a night. Often this is accompanied by snoring. One of the questions on the quiz was, "Have you ever been told that you snore?" Well, yes, I have. I’ve never heard myself snore, though, and I don’t really believe that I do.

I also have narcolepsy. This is when someone cannot stay awake, even in social situations. "Do you ever fall asleep at inappropriate times?" asks the quiz. "Do you sometimes feel sleepy even when you’ve had enough sleep?" The true narcoleptic can fall asleep anytime, even at a movie or at a party. Obviously, writers of the quiz have not heard some of the sermons I’ve heard at church if they expect me to stay awake at on Sunday morning.

Okay, that covers sleep apnea, insomnia, and narcolepsy. What’s left? Restless leg syndrome? Yes, I have that one too, tingling in the legs so that you feel you have to move them. You mean some people lay perfectly still all night and never have to turn over or move to a more comfortable position? I’m not dreaming that I’m a Radio City Rockette and kicking like I’m in a chorus line or anything. I always thought my legs had gone to sleep from lack of movement. I hadn’t really thought of it as a sleep disorder until now.

I never knew what a sick person I am. "If you think you have a sleep disorder, see a doctor regardless of the outcome of the quiz," says the article. Gee, should I be worried? Now I’ll be awake all night wondering how I can be possibly be sleeping when I have so much wrong with me.

Actually, people need to get an adequate amount of sleep in order to be able to function, at least that’s the story I’m going to use. I think I’ll just stick with my old habit of catching Zs when I can. I believe there is a name for people who think they have every illness they hear of.

Now, if you don’t mind, could we continue this discussion later? I’m starting to feel sleep deprived and it’s time for my power nap.

Copyright 2003 Sheila Moss

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A Weekly Humor Column

by Sheila Moss
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Sleepless in a Sleep Clinic

"I think you have it," said the doctor. "We just need to see how much."

What he was referring to is a state-of-the-art illness called sleep apnea. In seems the only way to find out if you have it is to spend a night in a sleep clinic. Now a sleep clinic is not like a hospital. Your room is supposed to look like a motel room so you feel at ease and are able to sleep normally while they "monitor" you.

My room didn’t look a whole lot like any motel room I’ve ever been in, but why argue? Obviously they are not going to redecorate just for me. I sat down on the sofa that was so slick I had to brace myself to keep from sliding off. What do they do? Wax the upholstery?

The sleep technician came in to "wire" me. This involved having receptors glued on my scalp and forehead with long wires running out to "monitor my brain waves." The fumes from the glue he used were so overpowering that I was afraid if he didn’t finish quickly I might not have any brain waves.

"Now you can relax a while," advised the technician.

"Oh, goody."

I watched the required video about sleep apnea in which fat old men snored while their wives proclaimed the virtues of having them sleep wearing an air mask. The apparatus looked a whole lot like a gas mask to me. How anyone could sleep with that contraption on was beyond me.

"There goes any hope for a romantic relationship that I might have ever had," I thought.

Eventually, I figured I might as well go on to bed and get it over with. Before my head could hit the pillow, the technician appeared to "finish wiring" me. That’s when I realized that I was on candid camera. I began to understand how a rat in a cage feels.

Wires were taped to my body and legs. "My, God," I thought, "I hope they are not going to electro-shock me." As I stared at the camera on the ceiling, the tech informed me about the live microphone over the bed. Wires were running everywhere and all of them were eventually attached to me.

"Now sleep!"

"Right!"

I tossed and turned pulling the wires with me. The oxygen monitor glowed in the dark, so I put my luminous finger under the cover. The harder I tried to go to sleep, the tenser I became. The pillow was too firm and the mattress too soft. The wires were hanging all over me like a string of Christmas tree lights. The room was stuffy and my bladder was calling out to me.

"How can anybody possibly sleep under these conditions?" I wondered. Tossing and turning I was soon wound up in wires like a kitten in a ball of yarn.

Sometime about four o’clock in the morning, I finally dozed off into an uneasy, dream-filled, slumber, while my brain waves scribbled hate messages on the technician’s monitor screen.

At last the night from hell was over. The tape holding the wires in place was ripped away, and I wondered if the ones in my hair would also be jerked away and how I’d like being bald. But some sort of solvent was used to dissolve the glue, leaving my hair in an icky mess.

"You need to shampoo," said the tech. Fine with me, except there was no shampoo and no hot water in the shower. I finally washed my hair under the faucet in the sink using a bar of soap. It had to dry naturally as I did not think about bringing a hair dryer. I also found I had no toothpaste. After only two hours of sleep all night, however, I really didn’t care at this point.

I have a feeling I flunked my sleep apnea test. I bet I’ll get an A+ in insomnia, however. I don’t know why they call it sleep clinic. As far as I'm concerned, it should be called a "sleepless" clinic.

Copyright 2003 Sheila Moss

rustynail · Post by **rustynail** » Sun Apr 17, 2005 9:59 pm

Excellent description. Makes me somehow very very sad to know that all of you had to go through the same ;lkdf!

VancouverBreeze · Post by **VancouverBreeze** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 1:54 am

Thanks for posting!

That article just rocks!

I remember the technician at my sleep test...he proudly told me how he had done this for 17 years!!! Wow! I'm not sure if I was impressed or scared!

Great fun under the infrared lights!

Darren

jerryc · Post by **jerryc** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 5:49 am

Sounds uncannily familiar. I slept for 144 minutes during my study.

LDuyer · Post by **LDuyer** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 3:49 pm

FYI -- I've added another article by this columnist, at the first post, at the beginning, in case you're interested in reading it.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 4:03 pm

Liam1965 · Post by **Liam1965** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 6:52 pm

Hmmmm. Professional jealousy, or ego out of control? I think my essay on the sleep study was funnier.

Liam, did he mention he's got a web log with humor essays?

LDuyer · Post by **LDuyer** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 7:10 pm

Liam1965 wrote:Hmmmm. Professional jealousy, or ego out of control? I think my essay on the sleep study was funnier.

Liam, did he mention he's got a web log with humor essays?

Awh, Liam,

Gee, I'm sorry.
But really,
NOONE measures up to your writing, Liam!
NOONE...!!

So, click on the blue Liam and visit his wonderful creative writings about Sleep Apnea!

So sorry. I've hurt my Liam's feelings. Ah, shoot! I could delete her stuff, if you like!

I've revised this topic to include an advertisement for your blog, at the top of the page. Does that get me out of the doghouse??!

Linda,
.....Linda so sad at making Liam feel bad.
You KNOW I'm your #1 Fan, don't you?

Liam1965 · Post by **Liam1965** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 4:22 am

I knew I shouldn't have replied while I was tired. Linda, I didn't take any offense, I really didn't. I thought my reply was funny, and perhaps had I been less tired, I would have seen that the humor was too obscure (I showed it to Janet this morning, and she didn't get it either, and she LIVES with me).

I had high hopes when I saw the words "weekly humor column" that it was going to be funny and I was going to have found a new source of weekly humor to READ (as opposed to the stuff I write), and so I was quite disappointed that I didn't find it particularly funny.

But of course I didn't just express that. Instead, the guest a while back who said that I just wanted everyone on here to worship me flashed through my head, and so with that in mind, it felt very funny (in an inside-joke kind of way) to respond in that light.

But there is no need to apologize, and there is no need to alter your posts or put disclaimers when you post other humor. One of my best friends put it well yesterday, after reading most of the humor columns on my blog "Well, they're not as funny as Dave Barry, no one is. But they're really funny." There will always be funnier people than I, and with differing senses of humor in the world, there will be authors I don't find funny at all that some people will think are way funnier than I.

It's all good, sorry for the inside joke that failed.

Liam, large waistline, comparatively small ego.

wading thru the muck! · Post by **wading thru the muck!** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 4:52 am

Liam,

I "Got" your post, but did not find much more than the "canned" superficial humor in Ms Moss's "humor" column. Her first attempt seemed to just make a joke out of the taking the survey. To me, making a statement along the lines of "The survey says people with brain cancer may have headaches, gee I have headaches, I guess I must have brain cancer, yuk, yuk!"

This should be an encouragement for you, keep it up, you're funnier than the people getting paid to write this stuff. Someday you will get recognized for that... Hopefully BEFORE you have to cut an ear off or something like that.

rustynail · Post by **rustynail** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 5:21 am

Oh great and mighty LIAM !

My response to the Sleepless in a Sleep Clinic was to fall into a blue funk (poor me kinda sad).

My response to your writings required of me, knowing I will always be driven to search out more 'wise and witty words from Liam', to mop the floor and purchase a case of panty-liners (poor me still chortling).

Liam1965 · Post by **Liam1965** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 6:36 am

wading thru the muck! wrote:Hopefully BEFORE you have to cut an ear off or something like that.

Hmmmm. That *IS* the real reason I keep my hair this short. If I have to resort to cutting off an ear in frustration, I'll have easy access.

Liam, 'ear's to apnea sufferer's everywhere.

Liam1965 · Post by **Liam1965** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 6:38 am

rustynail wrote:...and purchase a case of panty-liners

That's it! I've found my niche market!

I just need to get together with Always and co-market!

(Heck, Paul McCartney had Wings, why can't I?)

Liam, the first name in feminine hygiene.

rustynail · Post by **rustynail** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 6:51 am

Great idea Liam

I'm just concerned about the health issues that will certainly be plaguing you after your wife finds out that you are getting in the panties of women all around the world!

LDuyer · Post by **LDuyer** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 10:20 am

I don't know, Liam.
Looks like you've got some stiff competition with Rustynail here.
Could it be you two funny people are two peas from different pods?

Linda,
who really shouldn't be discussing peas

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