Mask & Sex. Caution: Language

Q I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea, which requires me to wear an air-pressure mask to bed each night. While I sleep better than I ever have, I now look like a top-gun pilot shooting down MiGs when I go to bed. I can't tell you how uncool and unattractive I look with this mask on my face. I've tried to use humor about it with a few women, but when I put it on I can see the sheer horror in their eyes. Every time I have someone stay over, I sleep (I use the term loosely since I end up getting no sleep at all) without the mask. So any suggestions on how to handle this situation? It's sleep versus sex. I'd rather not choose. Help.

A Actually, you've got the wrong combatants fighting each other. It's not sleep versus sex, it's reality versus the illusion of manly perfection. See, you could easily have sex plus sleep, but it requires you to present yourself in a way that makes you feel vulnerable. I personally think that's a good thing. As someone who makes an ass of himself at least once a day, I learned a long time ago that the only way I was going to make it through life with some self-esteem intact would be to embrace my God-given talent for awkwardness. Humor is definitely the way to deal with your sleep apnea mask. I mean, what's the big deal about it anyway? At least the sex act is over by the time you have to put it on, which means that in terms of embarrassment, the mask is nowhere near as deadly as a midcoitus fart, or not being able to get your dick inside the night's designated hole. Besides, any woman who wouldn't have sex with you again because you have to wear a funny-looking mask to bed afterward is literally not a woman who's worth losing sleep over.