OSA creating Martial Discord - PLEASE HELP!!!

I was diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apena with behaviors that mimic REM Sleep Behavior Disorder (RBD) back on December 6, 2015 after an episode left my wife with a bruise on her right arm and a mark beside her left eye. (Patients with RBD display abnormal motor and vocal behaviors such as punching, falling out of bed and shouting that are associated to frightening dreams). I recalled NONE of the verbalization or the physical actions I demonstrated this night or at any other time.
My RBD was brought on by my Obstructive Sleep Apena and poor sleep hygiene. (I was averaging 5 hours a night) I was treated with CPAP and a small dosage of clonazempam, and have been sleeping on the couch away from my wife for nearly 3 months now. (this makes me really sad). I have had NO reoccurrences since starting on the CPAP and medication, and my sleep hygiene is much improved, averaging almost 8 hours a night.

This is NOT the main issue however. The issue is….my wife thought I was doing this on purpose, and withheld this issue from me for 7 years (accorind to my wife, approximately 40 episodes). She believed I was disappointed in her as a wife and mother (some of my vocalizations were downright awful). This kind of language and actions are way out of character for me. By day, I am a teacher, coach, father of 3 wonderful children and a loving husband who would do anything for my wife. At night, my wife feared the worse…..and I had no clue.
On 12/6/15 when she finally came to tell me the truth I was dumbfounded, hurt, and beyond apologetic. I sobbed for days on end knowing the pain she had endured. She has forgiven me, and understands my diagnosis, but those 7 years left some really deep emotional scars. She has completely withdrawn from me, no hugs, no handholding, and as stated above, I am on the couch. She has entered counseling for trauma and PSTD. I am scared I am going to lose my wife to this sleep disorder.
I am looking for anyone who has some similar experiences. Someone I can talk to. Someone who can offer some hope. Are there any spouses out there that were bed partners to similar experiences? Feel free to post, or PM me.

To learn more about RBD click on the link I have provided. Easy read. ((http://sleepeducation.org/sleep-disorde ... view-facts))

Your wife has taken the bull by the horns to get herself back to normal with therapy............ SHE is taking the right path to reconciliation, just be patient with her its an uphill battle and hopefully she will slowly recover.
Good luck........ be patient.....small steps
Nan

eheitkamp,

Sorry for the things that have brought you here. I empathize with you and with your spouse.

This probably isn't the best place to ask marital questions but I understand your wanting to find someone in a similar situation hoping to find some answers.

You and your wife need a plan on how to recover your marriage. Most would recommend some form of couple's therapy. I'm no different, however, most marriage counselors aren't successful in helping couples recover their marriage.

If you are looking for a great resource forum to get help on your marriage I would recommend visiting a site and possibly using the counseling my wife and I have used extensively.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com

The members of the forum on this site are EXTREMELY helpful and the teachings they recommend come from the founder of the site. Dr. Willard Harley. He has found a very successful way for couples to save marriages including surviving affairs, abuse, etc. Dr. Harley has a lot of published books (best sellers).

FYI I love his concepts and have applied them to my marriage. It has improved my marriage immensely.

Also, see if there's a forum dedicated to that diagnosis as well.

I am sorry but if your wife had acted appropriately 7 years ago you both would have been in better shape. You need have no guilt over her problems that she caused for herself.

If there is any apologizing to be done it is her that should be doing it.

I like the appropriate use of "martial" for "marital", considering the situation.
Well said. Hoping things get better for you.

eheitkamp wrote:no hugs, no handholding, and as stated above, I am on the couch

My first three wives were like that.

I figure it's like CPAP masks - you have to keep trying until you find one that works for you.

For me, the fourth one is a charm.

Couples counseling sounds like a good idea so that you and she can talk about this issue that affects both of you in a safe space. HOWEVER, the fact that this went on for 40 episodes and your wife never told you seems to point to other issues of hers that could be addressed in individual therapy. So ... I think both would be in order.

Good luck.

You've got WAY bigger problems than sleep apnea.

Why the heck did your wife let this go for 7 years? And now she claims she has PTSD from it? Like IDon'tSnoreISwear says, she needs individual counseling as much or more than you need couples therapy. I had RBD for years. It teamed up with my PTSD and caused lots of problems. I left bruises on my husband and the last time we spent an entire night in the same bed we woke up while I was trying to strangle him. He has visiting rights, but for his own safety moved into another room. Since treating my sleep apnea I'm pretty sure I no longer have the RBD, as I've stopped waking up with my head at the bottom of the bed (thanks to the ASV working as a tether), but he's decided he likes the independence of separate rooms because I go to bed much later than he does. But once we learned WHY I was attacking him at night there was nothing to forgive - forgiveness is for intentional wrongs IMHO.

Meanwhile, isn't there a bed you CAN sleep in while working this out with your wife? Get twin beds, maybe, so you can sleep in the same room if need be. There is no reason why you should be punished for a medical problem.

Would she kick you out of the house if you develop a heart condition or cancer?

I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this.

This is creating more than marital discord, it is creating an unsafe sleeping environment. Your wife does not feel safe. Respect the boundaries she has and do not try to "push" yourself back into the bedroom until she feels safe again.

GettingBetter wrote: This is creating more than marital discord, it is creating an unsafe sleeping environment. Your wife does not feel safe. Respect the boundaries she has and do not try to "push" yourself back into the bedroom until she feels safe again.

No. She has put up with it for SEVEN years! Never said a word and now she is feeling "unsafe"? No she is using it to manipulate him. SHE is the one that should be asking for forgiveness for not telling him and causing untold harm to him. She should be the one on the couch.

eheitkamp wrote:I was diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apena with behaviors that mimic REM Sleep Behavior Disorder (RBD) back on December 6, 2015 after an episode left my wife with a bruise on her right arm and a mark beside her left eye. (Patients with RBD display abnormal motor and vocal behaviors such as punching, falling out of bed and shouting that are associated to frightening dreams). I recalled NONE of the verbalization or the physical actions I demonstrated this night or at any other time.
My RBD was brought on by my Obstructive Sleep Apena and poor sleep hygiene. (I was averaging 5 hours a night) I was treated with CPAP and a small dosage of clonazempam, and have been sleeping on the couch away from my wife for nearly 3 months now. (this makes me really sad). I have had NO reoccurrences since starting on the CPAP and medication, and my sleep hygiene is much improved, averaging almost 8 hours a night.

This is NOT the main issue however. The issue is….my wife thought I was doing this on purpose, and withheld this issue from me for 7 years (accorind to my wife, approximately 40 episodes). She believed I was disappointed in her as a wife and mother (some of my vocalizations were downright awful). This kind of language and actions are way out of character for me. By day, I am a teacher, coach, father of 3 wonderful children and a loving husband who would do anything for my wife. At night, my wife feared the worse…..and I had no clue.
On 12/6/15 when she finally came to tell me the truth I was dumbfounded, hurt, and beyond apologetic. I sobbed for days on end knowing the pain she had endured. She has forgiven me, and understands my diagnosis, but those 7 years left some really deep emotional scars. She has completely withdrawn from me, no hugs, no handholding, and as stated above, I am on the couch. She has entered counseling for trauma and PSTD. I am scared I am going to lose my wife to this sleep disorder.
I am looking for anyone who has some similar experiences. Someone I can talk to. Someone who can offer some hope. Are there any spouses out there that were bed partners to similar experiences? Feel free to post, or PM me.

To learn more about RBD click on the link I have provided. Easy read. ((http://sleepeducation.org/sleep-disorde ... view-facts))

What an awful situation you both find yourself in. May I suggest counseling for you as well. Having someone you trust to talk to would help you come to terms with this. I wish the best for both of you.

BlackSpinner wrote:

GettingBetter wrote: This is creating more than marital discord, it is creating an unsafe sleeping environment. Your wife does not feel safe. Respect the boundaries she has and do not try to "push" yourself back into the bedroom until she feels safe again.

No. She has put up with it for SEVEN years! Never said a word and now she is feeling "unsafe"? No she is using it to manipulate him. SHE is the one that should be asking for forgiveness for not telling him and causing untold harm to him. She should be the one on the couch.

Black Spinner,

We all have different opinions. It is unnecessary to delete my post when I say I think you are creating discord and I don't care enough to fight with you. You have made your opinion on the situation very clear, now accept that others may disagree or have other opinions to offer and go on. (your first post on the matter: viewtopic/t110524/OSA-creating-Martial- ... l#p1059218)

Kind regards,
GB

GettingBetter wrote:

BlackSpinner wrote:

GettingBetter wrote: This is creating more than marital discord, it is creating an unsafe sleeping environment. Your wife does not feel safe. Respect the boundaries she has and do not try to "push" yourself back into the bedroom until she feels safe again.

No. She has put up with it for SEVEN years! Never said a word and now she is feeling "unsafe"? No she is using it to manipulate him. SHE is the one that should be asking for forgiveness for not telling him and causing untold harm to him. She should be the one on the couch.

Black Spinner,

We all have different opinions. It is unnecessary to delete my post when I say I think you are creating discord and I don't care enough to fight with you. You have made your opinion on the situation very clear, now accept that others may disagree or have other opinions to offer and go on. (your first post on the matter: viewtopic/t110524/OSA-creating-Martial- ... l#p1059218)

Kind regards,
GB

Yup... if someone doesn't agree with a post, "some" people delete that post. Occasionally, "some" people get their spam buttons removed. However, "some" of those people have probably gotten theirs back by now.

Lucyhere wrote:

GettingBetter wrote:

BlackSpinner wrote:

GettingBetter wrote: This is creating more than marital discord, it is creating an unsafe sleeping environment. Your wife does not feel safe. Respect the boundaries she has and do not try to "push" yourself back into the bedroom until she feels safe again.

No. She has put up with it for SEVEN years! Never said a word and now she is feeling "unsafe"? No she is using it to manipulate him. SHE is the one that should be asking for forgiveness for not telling him and causing untold harm to him. She should be the one on the couch.

Black Spinner,

We all have different opinions. It is unnecessary to delete my post when I say I think you are creating discord and I don't care enough to fight with you. You have made your opinion on the situation very clear, now accept that others may disagree or have other opinions to offer and go on. (your first post on the matter: viewtopic/t110524/OSA-creating-Martial- ... l#p1059218)

Kind regards,
GB

Yup... if someone doesn't agree with a post, "some" people delete that post. Occasionally, "some" people get their spam buttons removed. However, "some" of those people have probably gotten theirs back by now.

Perhaps Black Spinner could apologize for accidentally deleting my post? I think that would assure everyone she is a just and emotionally stable moderator, not given to flights of fancy free post deletion when it suits her.