CPAPtalk.com

Hey, Kody. That nurse might be on to something. Maybe it would help compliment your apnea therapy?!

10+1 reasons why we love children…

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'

10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

While on the subject of New Jersey, the owner of a manufacturing concern sent his young single salesman, Bob, to Georgia to find some new accounts. Bob was not being received well by the potential customers and to make matters worse late one afternoon he was lost in the countryside and ran out of gas.

A farmer came along just before dark and told him to get in the truck. The farmer asked Bob to have dinner with the family and in the morning they would come back with gas and good directions to get Bob on the way.

Needless to say the farmer had a beautiful daughter and his wife served a great meal and they had good conversation.

After dinner Bob retired to a comfortable bedroom, did some reading and then slipped into the comfortable bed. No sooner had he turned out the light then his door opened and the farmer's daughter slipped into bed with him for a couple of hours.

The next morning Bob awoke feeling great and ate a good breakfast served by the farmer's wife. He said his fond goodbyes and the farmer loaded some gas into the truck and took Bob to continue on his way.

Bob felt like he had a great trip but he returned to New Jersey with no prospects for business. The owner of the company told him not to worry that they were doing very well with their local accounts.

Five years later the owner of the company expanded the plant and was looking for some new accounts. Again he asked Bob to try to drum up some business in Georgia. Bob headed out again and this time he had a GPS to prevent getting lost. Nonetheless between business calls he decided to take a detour and ride by the farmhouse. He pulled into the drive and the farmer's daughter was out working in a flower bed. She was as beautiful as ever and was still very pleasant to speak to.

After they spoke for a few minutes a young boy came running around the house. The farmer's daughter said even though she was still unmarried he was her five-year old son. Bob could not help but notice the boy had some resemblance to him!

Bob said, "Say, could he be ... ?" The farmer's daughter said yes he is.

Bob said, "When you found out you were pregnant, you had my number, why did you not call me?"

The farmer's daughter said, "I discussed that with Daddy. But Daddy said it was better to have a bastard in the family than a Yankee!"

It all makes sense now...

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his
annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was
hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The
old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know
you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried..
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from
his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

A man walks into a local pub to grab a bite of late lunch. He walks up and sits down at the bar, and the bartender/cook walks up. "so what can I get for you today?"

The man asks, "How much for a pint of your best?" The bartender tells him, "a nickle."

Well the patron is shocked at the price, and assumes it must be lousy beer, but takes a chance. It turns out the beer is amazing.

So he asks, "how much for a steak?" The bartender thinks awhile, and then announces, "a dime." Since it worked out so well last time the guy orders the steak.

Like magic, a thick cut porterhouse with all the trimmings is placed on the bar before him. The meat is of the highest quality, and it is one of the best steaks he has ever eaten.

After a long lunch, and a couple of more beers, the guy decides he has to ask... "So how can you make money as the owner of such a fine establishment with such ridiculously low prices?"

The reply is quick, "I never said I was the owner. See the owner is up stairs doing to my wife what I am down here doing to his pub!"

A pessimist sees the glass as half empty.

A optimist sees the glass as half full.

But an engineer sees a glass designed twice as large as it needed to be.

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot and killed the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber shot and killed him too.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of total silence in which everyone was afraid to speak.

Then one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, "I think my wife got a pretty good look at you."

STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE

Just in case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny
thing is that it really does work, and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a
crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the
Obama supporter you're holding underwater.


There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.

Sleep2Die4 wrote:STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE

Just in case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny
thing is that it really does work, and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a
crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the
Obama supporter you're holding underwater.


There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.

Sorry. It only works for the 49% who doesn't support him.

Sleep2Die4 wrote: 7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the
Obama supporter you're holding underwater.

*Dick Cheiney