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Little boy, about six, is at the mall with his mother when he tells her needs to go to the bathroom.
"There's a men's room right over there. I'll wait for you here."
A couple of minutes later he comes out, crying his eyes out and the front of his pants all wet.
"Honey, why didn't you go pee?"
"I couldn't. There are only two places to go and there were two old men in there. One couldn't get started and the other couldn't get stopped!"

The seven most interesting words uttered in Oklahoma; "Here, hold my beer and watch this!"

These are too funny! Thanks for making us laugh!

4 friends meet 30 years after
school.

One goes to the toilet while
the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says his son studied
economics, became a banker and is
so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said his son became a pilot,
started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said his son became an engineer, started his own
development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about.

They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son.

He said his son is gay and is a Stripper at a Gay bar.

Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.

" O no !! " said the father, he is doing good.

" Last week was his birthday
and he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his
boyfriends..."

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded
friend."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry',
and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A
Crocodile sees this and swims over to the
stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, "What's the
matter with you?!" The lizard explains to
the crocodile that he was sitting in the
tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey
friend. He then explained how his mouth
got dry, and that he was so wasted that,
when he went to get a drink from the
river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to
check this out. He walks into the jungle
and finds the tree where the monkey is
sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and
says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks
down and says
"FUUUUUCK, DUDE.......
how much water did you drink?" !!

How to get out of a speeding ticket.


Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see....

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too

While I was at the hangar, my wife left a note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mother's!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........

God only knows what she was talking about!!

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don 't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl 's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don 't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

I went to the pub last night, had a shot of Jack Daniels and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "

***

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."

ChicagoGranny wrote:

You know, that was just so disgusting on so many levels.

ems wrote:

You know, that was just so disgusting on so many levels.

And you had the good sense to quote it, so that it shows up twice!

ChicagoGranny wrote:

ems wrote:

You know, that was just so disgusting on so many levels.

And you had the good sense to quote it, so that it shows up twice!

Now THAT'S funny!

ChicagoGranny wrote:

ems wrote:

You know, that was just so disgusting on so many levels.

And you had the good sense to quote it, so that it shows up twice!

Apparently you thought it was in good taste and funny (note thread title) or you wouldn't have posted it. Again, disgusting on so many levels.